"The Grass Is Always Greener," They Say.

Hi people, first post here so I'm hoping for a warm welcome

Anyway. So I've been dating this girl for almost nine months now. She's artistic, gorgeous, well-read and has the most adorable voice that drives me absolutely feral no matter how often I hear it. She really is one of a kind, but lately I'm starting to think she isn't the "kind" for me.

The problem is, as I put it, "She's a sunset girl. I'm a sunrise boy." Her outlook on the world is macabre at best: she has very few actual interests, she doesn't want children, she doesn't care for marriage, and I seriously doubt her willingness to commit to a guy like me - a guy who's eager (to a fault) to jump into a committed relationship with a gal who wants nothing less than to share all the world's experiences with me.

Eh. These are all superficial details not really necessary to the point I'm trying to make... I guess... I'm not right for a girl like her. She says she loves me, and our relationship is intimate; we just don't connect on that fundamental "best friend" level. The more I think about this, the more I realize that when I am with her, I'm terribly unhappy. We have absolutely no interests in common: I'm a very outspoken person about the causes I believe in (which, because of their irrelevance, don't warrant further detail here xD), yet whenever I go into a rant or otherwise feel like discussing "the issues," she has no want to share and sometimes even gets on my case for "being too serious."

My point is that I'm unhappy with her, but I'm afraid to break it off with her. She has a certain power over me, because of my being a generally lonely and weak-willed person (I'm always the one to apologize during arguments even when I feel I'm in the right, simply because I'm afraid that she's so stubborn that she'll fight me tooth even if it comes down to sacrificing the relationship). I'm unhappy with her, but I'm afraid to break it off, because to put it bluntly I simply don't want to be alone again.

I have no friends. I have two people I talk to online, but even with them I have to vie for their full attention. If I broke it off with her, I'd have nobody there for support, and I'd just put myself into the same downward spiral I was in before I started dating her. I'm a jealous person, too, and I'd be constantly anxious about her being with another guy, and being more happy than she was with me. I know that sounds selfish, and to an extent I'm sure it is - but it's just who I am. I'm a one-love kind of romantic and find it hard to cope with the idea that love could be transferred from person to person so easily. Anyway, I'm kind of ranting here, so I'll cut it short.

I'm just terrified of the anxiety and the loneliness that's bound to envelop the next six-months-to-a-year of my life should I go through with this.

Any advice is wanted. ;/

- Kevin.

You lucky dog you. At least for being able to get the type of partner who has all those attributes. Opposites attracting is not as functional with people as it is with magnets, huh? Pretty much the reason I've got an Ex now too. If you want long term and it isn't viable, can you at least picture it happening at all? If not, is the alternative the kind of life you'll want?

Just something to think about.

Unacceptance said:

You lucky dog you. At least for being able to get the type of partner who has all those attributes. Opposites attracting is not as functional with people as it is with magnets, huh? Pretty much the reason I've got an Ex now too. If you want long term and it isn't viable, can you at least picture it happening at all? If not, is the alternative the kind of life you'll want?

Just something to think about.

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No, it's not the kind of life I want. I'm only 20, but even now I'm looking for the long term. I play for keeps

Problem is I'm too weak a guy to pull this off. xD I can't do it. I can't stand the anxiety, the loneliness. I've wasted years of my life dwelling in alcohol and drugs because I was so afraid to face my emotions head-on. I don't want to go through that, not again.

I'm around your age and I'm somewhat like you in that respect of looking for long term. The thing is, don't look at it as a loss or waste, look at it as learning experience. Honestly, if you are sure (not saying you are) that this thing is going to not work out, you're just going to "waste" time in either case.

That being said. It's always possible to work on a relationship as a couple (or so I've heard) to improve things. However, without having that friend mentality between the two of you, I'm surprised you even got together with that intention.

Having friends outside the relationship and the fear loneliness does suck, however, if you got a partner once, it's bound to happen again.

Unacceptance said:

I'm around your age and I'm somewhat like you in that respect of looking for long term. The thing is, don't look at it as a loss or waste, look at it as learning experience. Honestly, if you are sure (not saying you are) that this thing is going to not work out, you're just going to "waste" time in either case.

That being said. It's always possible to work on a relationship as a couple (or so I've heard) to improve things. However, without having that friend mentality between the two of you, I'm surprised you even got together with that intention.

Having friends outside the relationship and the fear loneliness does suck, however, if you got a partner once, it's bound to happen again.

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I know what you mean, and fully acknowledge that you're right in most everything you say. Really, I agree with you ._. I'm just too **** afraid to put down the music. I'm a coward. ;/

Believe me, I hate being right too. Just have to Death or Glory these things though.

Well, you have to decide whether or not you want to deal with/put up with/live with her and her attitude on life... Or, not. Weigh out both sides. See which one you feel like you should follow.

VanillaCreme said:

Well, you have to decide whether or not you want to deal with/put up with/live with her and her attitude on life... Or, not. Weigh out both sides. See which one you feel like you should follow.

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The problem isn't making the decision. I already know what I want - I want to break it off. The problem is my inability to do so >.<

I dunno...meet at the middle at noon where there's sunshine all the
way around for everybody.

That's why it's a relationship...you have to grow it,
nurish it, and charish it. Get to know each better.

You already figure the honeysuckle out already....you dun no whats
going to happen in the future...you might grow together,
you might grow apart. A lot can happen and it's not going
to be exactly what your illusion is. There's no garantee
if you have children that they might be healthy or not
have any problems. My ex-gf had lots of miss carriages.
It wasn't what I had in mind that's for **** sure.

She might drop dead on you....trust me on this. The honeysuckle can happen.
I regret a lot of not loving her and charrishing her when
she was here. i wanted things to be right...will, it's not right
and never going to be right, especailly now.

The perfect woman you find might drop dead on you...you don't know
and it can happen. Obviously i never thought stuff like would happen
to me. (only to other people)....well fresia..it happened to me.

Heck...you might drop dead or get hit buy a truck tommorow...you don't know.

She might change her mind about children someday...you don't
know. Women change thier minds all the time.

You're pissing all over it and stopping yourself already.

Why not just spend this moment right here , right now as
they are. Enjoy this moment you have with her and be grateful
she's willing to share her life with you NOW in the presence.
Not what gose in your head or how things should be or ought
to be.

If you made a decision already...be fair, talk to her. Be honest.
One way or the other you still have to talk to her and be honest, loving and understanding with her.
wheather you break it off or continue to be with her...the lesson remains the same.

well I'm little older than you and have been with my mate for nine years and I have to try to deal with this problem daily so I can tell you it doesn't get easier as time goes on I guess because I have a short and somewhat selective memory I tend to forget alot of stuff good and bad and I mean that literally(I have a very bad memory) so I tend to usually only think about the good times I remember that I shared with her but bad memories are still always in the back of mind lurking around somewhere and we differ in lot of ways, she considers herself to be a "social-butterfly", I am the exact opposite, she likes to go out alot I don't, she likes to be around alot people I don't, she likes alot of attention from a lot of people I don't(I just require alot of attention from the person I'm with thats good enough for me), she thinks its ok and perfectly harmless to flirt with just about any male she comes across, I can't stand that with a passion and thinks that anybody who does that should be shot because it can send the wrong message to some people! And no one likes to be mislead! She believes she can only be friends with members of the opposite sex and claims that women often don't make good friends because they will back stab you the first chance they get and "take your man", I really don't care about that I just don't want her to have a bunch male friends that I know are attracted to her!!! this is just some of the issues I deal with concerning my relationship. I too am an extremely jealous and controlling person but not so much to the point to where I'd do something where I'd have be arrested for it at least not yet anyway I'm kidding of course, I'd never harm the person I truly love but you are right it is frustrating to be with someone whom you don't share at least some common interest with I guess I have stayed with her so long for the same reason you are staying with her out of fear that no one else will want me I mean lets face it after about 21 you don't get more attractive the older you get, its kinda the other way around. So all I can say is either try to work it out now or get out now because if don't you will regret it some years down the line! Trust me!

AllAlone1 said:

well I'm little older than you and have been with my mate for nine years and I have to try to deal with this problem daily so I can tell you it doesn't get easier as time goes on I guess because I have a short and somewhat selective memory I tend to forget alot of stuff good and bad and I mean that literally(I have a very bad memory) so I tend to usually only think about the good times I remember that I shared with her but bad memories are still always in the back of mind lurking around somewhere and we differ in lot of ways, she likes to go out I don't, she like to be around alot people I don't, she likes alot of attention from a lot of people I don't(I just require alot of attention from the person I'm with thats good enough for me), she thinks its ok and perfectly harmless to flirt with just about any male she comes across, I can't stand that with a passion and thinks that anybody who does that should be shot! I too am an extremely jealous and controlling person but not so much to the point to where I'd do something where I'd have be arrested for it at least not yet anyway I'm kidding of course, I'd never harm the person I truly love but you are right it is frustrating to be with someone whom you don't share at least some common interest with I guess I have stayed with her so long for the same reason you are staying with her out of fear that no one else will want me I mean lets face it after about 21 you don't get more attractive the older you get, its kinda the other way around. So all I can say is either try to work it out now or get out now because if don't you will regret it some years down the line!

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Well I broke up with her last Saturday, and I've kind of had mixed feelings abotu it. Part of me is relieved, but most of me is terrified. I don't know what to do with myself. I've locked myself in my room and haven't even opened the blinds for six days!

I feel horrible. I've downed half a gallon of Smirnoff these past five days alone - not because I'm depressed or anything, but because since Saturday I've felt nothing but fear and anxiety, so a drink kind of chills me out (but if I have too much the opposite is true and I get really paranoid and hopeless).

Ugh. I've talked through MSN and AIM to some people on this site. They're very kind people and very understanding, but it's just not the same as going out with someone and talking over dinner or something. I haven't had a real friend since 5th grade, and haven't even had any acquaintances for almost three years now. My ex lives in Florida, and I live in California, so even my intimate relationships were impersonal.

I'm thinking about going to some meetup groups around here (some local Atheist groups - don't preach), but I need a job to get around, and since I'm going back to school that job will probably take up what little free time I'll have. So even if I find someone to hang out with I won't be able to. I laugh, thinking how skewed a tangent I'm going off into, so I'll just end this here.

- KJ

maybe thats exactly what you need, some activities to occupy your time so you won't think about these things so much then when someone does come along they will have to prove how much they want to be with by trying work out some kind schedule thats fits with yours I think thats a very good way to find if they really want to be you. Anyway I hope everything works out for you no matter what you decide to do.

I thought the "grass was greener" - and it wasn't. I lost everything and ended up alone.

Think long and hard before you do anything, is my advice

****, just saw that you broke up..........sorry to hear that mate

RobertJW said:

I thought the "grass was greener" - and it wasn't. I lost everything and ended up alone.

Think long and hard before you do anything, is my advice

****, just saw that you broke up..........sorry to hear that mate

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Yeah. I thought long and hard about it. Then one day I just snapped and said "we're done." She then congratulated me on "finally finding my balls."

Eh. What hurts most is that she's taking it wonderfully, while I'm here brooding in my own self pity. xD

Women are strange, aren't they?

RobertJW said:

Women are strange, aren't they?

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No. Women are fickle.