I finally killed a toxic friendship...

But it was the hardest thing to do when you have a dearth of friends to begin with.
I wonder if anyone else has had to go through this.

[major rant follows]

I knew him (X) ~25yr (earlier through school & sports), but after the sports ended, it appeared we had nothing in common. I hung on, mainly due to desperation, hope that he'd change, and a general lack of friends. I'll miss his wife and son (both pretty decent people), but he just increasingly became one great jerk, dick, conceited a**h**e, you name it.

(I'm generally quite reserved when it comes to name-calling, but this case deserves special attention.)

The last straw came 4 weeks ago when I phoned first, then dropped over with coffee/donuts shortly following his birthday.
In my entire life, I have not been so insulted, mocked, interrupted, ridiculed, criticized and generally dissed. I can tolerate a few mocking jokes for a few minutes as well as the next person, but won't put up with an incessant hour-long barrage of the s**t.

Two other members (Y & Z) of our sports bunch years ago became total jerks as well (& I mercifully mutually ended friendship with them ~5yrs ago). Interestingly, X said he has tried contacting Y & Z, but said they no longer return his calls.
Gee, I wonder why?? Though Y & Z are no longer my friends, I see we have one thing in common: mutual disdain for X, the conceited jerk. I have grapevine info that confirmed that.

X's own wife isn't fond of him either - long story on that, some abuse. I'm seldom bitter, but as far as I'm concerned, X can languish a long friendless life!!! Good ruck, he deserves it!

The only thing I regret is that I didn't end it years ago.
It's left me a tad lonelier, but I have to convince myself this leaves time to find & develop better & more interesting mutually-respectful friendships.

Thanks so much for listening! Just had to get it out.
olg

I'm sorry that you had to go through that OLG. Toxic freinds are the worst. Some people are just plain rude and X sounds like one of those.

Congratulations on being able to stand up to them. Some find it easier to stay where they are and put up with the hassel.

I hope this this lets you go and find other friendship, who are more appreciative of you and your time and company.

(((((hugs)))))

You know, thinking back on my last job that I moved from this month, my boss and coworkers were those sort of people. Friends, but toxic ones.

I'm so much happier being away from them, knowing I can look forward to waking up in the morning and not spending all day with them. Hanging out some now and then is fine, but not every day.

Luisa said:

I'm sorry that you had to go through that OLG. Toxic freinds are the worst. Some people are just plain rude and X sounds like one of those.

Congratulations on being able to stand up to them. Some find it easier to stay where they are and put up with the hassel.

I hope this this lets you go and find other friendship, who are more appreciative of you and your time and company.

(((((hugs)))))

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Thanks Luisa!
Rude was one adjective I had forgotten to add. Rude to the extreme. I think he thinks he's being 'cute'. I honestly don't think he has it figured out, and at his age, likely won't.
olg

Brian said:

You know, thinking back on my last job that I moved from this month, my boss and coworkers were those sort of people. Friends, but toxic ones.

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Fortunately(?), I had no real 'friends' at work the whole 27yr. One, but he worked in another department, so not sure that counts. After I left work, two have become (infrequent) friends of a sort.

I'm so much happier being away from them, knowing I can look forward to waking up in the morning and not spending all day with them. Hanging out some now and then is fine, but not every day.

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Sounds like 'time wasters' or 'energy vampires'. I was thinking of starting a thread of classifications of bad friends

That's sad to hear. When you're friends with someone over such a duration, there's usually a good reason for it. Making it especially tough when one realizes, for whatever reason, that the list of negatives have become too burdensome to justify remaining in contact with that person.
Perhaps there is a modcum of consoltation to be found in the fact that this may have inspired you to reevaluate your own worth for the better.

wolfshadow said:

That's sad to hear. When you're friends with someone over such a duration, there's usually a good reason for it.

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Sports (squash & some tennis, to be exact) for ~12yr, desperation the following 12yr. His behavior became increasingly boorish, until the last straw dropped a month ago.

Perhaps there is a modcum of consoltation to be found in the fact that this may have inspired you to reevaluate your own worth for the better.

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The sense of liberation felt after I'd made my decision exceeded the sadness. Sometimes you just reach that magic moment when you KNOW it's time to move on.

thanks

Well done for taking a stand. He'll miss you more than you will him, I've no doubt. People like that need someone to victimise to feel worth while.

Hope he dissolves in his own self-loathing!

I think you did the right thing! I know the insults were very hurtful to you but it sounds like this guy is going through his own problems in life. Some people lash out at others when they are angry about personal stuff...that might be the case here. I hope you let go of the mean things he said and did and don't take it personally.

I don't think an abusive toxic friend is better than no friends. With friends like that, you don't need enemies!

Good for you and you'll find some nice people very soon.

one lonely guy said:

Sounds like 'time wasters' or 'energy vampires'. I was thinking of starting a thread of classifications of bad friends

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Haha, energy vampires sounds about right. I dunno about time wasters, because the one of them I do still hang out with is actually a pretty decent guy outside of work. And we go and do fun things. But yeah, after a certain point he/they do tend to drain on the 'energy' so to speak.

Nyktimos, joanmcf, Brian et al -
Thanks so much for the reinforcement. This is a great place for support.

Well done for taking a stand. He'll miss you more than you will him, I've no doubt. People like that need someone to victimise to feel worth while.

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He's tremendously insecure & needs to victimize. He'll be in denial until he runs out of victims.

I don't think an abusive toxic friend is better than no friends.

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Totally agree; but the (hopefully temporary) void is also difficult to face.

I dunno about time wasters, because the one of them I do still hang out with is actually a pretty decent guy outside of work. And we go and do fun things.

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As long as you're enjoying the friendship and activity it's not 'wasted' time.

I'm happy for you. =)
& losing one friend opens up many doors to make another.
I think it's almost healthy to lose negative friends (even good friends) and be lonely sometimes (definitely not all) because it teaches you how to appreciate the people who are worth it more then you did before.

I hope everything works out for you in the end. =]

SimizAkri said:

I'm happy for you. =)
& losing one friend opens up many doors to make another.
I think it's almost healthy to lose negative friends (even good friends) and be lonely sometimes (definitely not all) because it teaches you how to appreciate the people who are worth it more then you did before.

I hope everything works out for you in the end. =]

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Thanks SimizAkri
That's exactly what this has done.
I'm in a transitional phase right now, and there are a few new doors opening or beginning to.
Though often lonely, I feel like the toxicity of that 'friendship' is finally working its way out of my system. There is NO way that will be restarted. He's lost most of his other friends for the same reason. Some people learn the hard way; some people never learn - I think he fits into the latter category.
He's got his family - for now anyway Good ruck & good riddance.

Thanks for your thoughtful post.
olg

Glad that you made the choice of making the toxic relationship.Have one in the past which I cut off during when I was lonely.He was like my only "steady friend" at that time but later I made new relationship after that.

Hooray for you for having enough self respect to end this relationship!

This is a sign that you value yourself! And, when you find people that respect you, your self esteem will improve.

So, CONGRATS on this! Thank you knowing that you deserve better when it comes to a friendship.

Now get out there and go find people who have similar interests as you and respect you! n_n

Thanks to everyone on affirming my decision!!

In the 8 weeks after the indignant parting I got one message (which I didn't return). Thought I'd get another (which I wouldn't return), but guess after 25yr of so-called 'friendship' I was only worth 1 followup (LOL). That totally confirms my decision.
Suits me just fine. He knows the reasons - if his tiny brain hasn't figured it out, his wife will tell him

Other doors continue to open; life's been better since.
olg