dunno

The only person i'm talking to properly at the moment seems to be a work buddy who just wants company to drink with. I think if I lost him and my girlfriend my life would discintegrate. I don't think I would leave my flat, but they keep me hanging on. I worry that sometimes the feeling of just vanishing is too much, just get on a bus and not turn up to work. In a selfish way, it would be easier if they did just leave. Relationship with my mum is at an all time low. Saw my dog the other day which made me happy, wine bottles lined the flat from front to back there. Girlfriend was insisting they are alcoholics. Shes never seen alcoholism, its more destructive than that, and hurts more, isn't coherent, and wont talk to you. Think the past five years have got the better of me now, my eyes are always bloodshot and I seem to have had all three growing spells at the age of 21. Life is a dream these days. When you're really young there is consistency, it feels like normality, as though you are protected by some divine intervening spirit and that in some bizzare way -- the universe centers around your existence and has a path for you to take. I've always wanted to believe in pure logic, reason, science and maths, but back then I never did. I know i'm on my own now and that nothing is stopping that bus or me getting on it, only myself. Life has become so distorted, never seems to be any sleep. I've had enough of it. Everyone needs to sleep.

well...I my ex-wf informed me I was an alcoholic. Many many years ago.
I didn't know what the problems was...I went to work, paid the bills, made love to her,
party with her, went dancing with her. No dwi, no problems of any sort.
I worked hard , I party hard just like everyone. Actaully less.
I fucntioned just like everyone...Actaully if you talk to certain people. I had my honeysuckle together.
I had the love of my life, a nice home, a good job, played in a band and even a dog.

I wish I would had listen to her.

stupid honeysuckle slows you down, and you don't know why.. i can sitt there an do something for ten minutes and not even relize it, totally space out.. memories, good and bad.. its like u don't even wanna move forward, you just wanna stay the same.. or skip forward.. put yourself on auto pileot. it's like you can sit there and even watch your self crash or at the last minutes react, life is dumb, and better seeen and felt ' Bloood Shot ' , i've never believed in math, or science as my path way, im aborignal so i'm very spirtual.. i find it hard to hold onto it.. and to keep praying to god to help me.. with my insecure feelings.. about life, myself and everyone and everything happening around me.
i've been told its best to " Keep Moving Forward " , that person probbaly was shure, about what he or she was moving forward about.. you may not ever Really truely figure yourself out.. and there will always be lost moments..
i may be way off topic, but how im feeling i really don't give a ****.
till we all find outselves ! * cheers..