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GoingInsane

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I'm a male, 19 and I haven't got a social life, never had a girlfriend, and have only been out with people a few times within the last 4 years but with no one I'd class as close friends. Lately I've been having suicidal thoughts because my depression has gotten worst and I feel there is no hope of fitting in with anyone. I have never really met like-minded people and all I do is live in the company of my family and work with people who don't particularly like me and just brag about how good their nights out were and what they did to their girlfriends last night.

Whenever I have been in situations where I've had the opportunity to meet new people and make new friends, I get the feeling of being left out, and not accepted. School was hard times, was unable to stick up for myself and all I did was let people walk over me, never really made friends there or had anything in common with anyone. Now that I have grown up a bit I have a different attitude towards things, I'm able to stand my ground in any problematic situation. I feel the school aspect has lowered my confidence in making new friends and I get the feeling the damage is stuck with me forever. I'm tired all the time, have no energy and have lost my sence of humour which I once had when I was younger.

I do not however fear going out, infact I like going out because it's not often I get an opportunity to do so and get a change of scenery other than inside my house or in my work place. Whenever I do go out, usually I'll have to put up with the reality that I'm on my own and other people are with their friends.

I get told by some people (usually family) that I'm good looking and there is nothing wrong with me. It makes me mad when I hear comments like this because if I'm in this situation to start with, there is definitely something very wrong with me!

One major problem is I cannot hold a conversation very long and usually this results in an awkward silence if you suddenly cannot pick up the next sentence or word to keep it flowing. I'm usually a better talker to 1-2 people instead of a big group of people as that is usually when you look like a mug for saying the wrong thing and your respect is lowered and you get ignored.

No one in my local area is what I'd consider friendly, usually it's all about being hard if you want a reputation.

Counseling didn't help me. Just explaining my life story to a bunch of twats who listen and look at you like you're some sad case and don't offer a solution.

I haven't fully decided yet weather I should end my life, but a positive change isn't looking promising at the moment.

Anyone in a similar boat?
 
Same here though I am definitely not good looking.I can talk the whole day when with one person but dumbfounded in a big group.I found it hard to talk in a big group or feel quite tiring to talk in one group.

There were so many times that I talked and no one replyed to it.Some people would have thought that I am anti social in the group but simply if I talk,you do not answer and what is the point of it?

For me,I did make friends but they did not end up well.
 
Hey Goinginsane, welcome to the forum. You've come to the right place, there are a lot of people here that are in similar situations.
 
wow...19

Do you have anytype of interest ?
A hobbie, music, art,...etc ?

Yeah attending school in the USA..kind of messed me up a little bit.
I had plenty of friends but at the sametime , I got called every fucken
name in the book. It effected my self-esteem a bit...a lot.

College was much better. Less stupid retards attending college.
I still had friends. i actaully had a girl that liked me and took
me home all the time.
but i still had self-esteem issues.

I join the USAF...I had plenty of friends. Played in the metal band.
Party hardy with the boys..chased women or had women chasing
after my ass....never the less i still had self-esteem issues.

I married the most beautiful woman...never the less.
I still had self-esteem issues.

After I got out of the Military...I landed a great paying job.
I had money coming out of my ass...Party hardy, cased women,
Played in a band. On the surface..almost everybody that knew
me...thought i had my honeysuckle together, that i was living the life.
LOOKING GOOD ON THE OUTSIDE AND ALL messed UP ON THE INSIDE.
I felt the world was caving in on me. Inside I felt lost and alone.
Maybe some poeple knew...maybe some didn't.
I was too slick, hip and cool..I wore my **** sunglasses at night
with my snake skin boots and messed everything with size C boobs.
Raced down the main strip of my town with my god **** sports car blasting the honeysuckle as loud as I can.
Mind numbing sex , drugs, parties...and whatever crazy honeysuckle my friends and I would get into.
Anything...anything to not feel that messed up pain inside of me.


I had to really sit down...
Yes...talked to shrinks and all kinds of people too.
Read all kinds of self help books. No matter what I read or what I
was told. No matter what support groups I attend
No matter how much help I seek or ask for. No matter how many sponsor i have.
I HAD TO DO THE WORK. I HAD TO WORK ON MYSELF.

recently I've been working on getting rid of a lot of negative BS my ex-gf would
say to me...It effected me alot becuase had a lot emotions attached to them and i took it to heart.
I'm going though my memory banks to clear those thoughts or refile them as fucken trash or trying to get rid of them.
 
GoingInsane said:
One major problem is I cannot hold a conversation very long and usually this results in an awkward silence if you suddenly cannot pick up the next sentence or word to keep it flowing. I'm usually a better talker to 1-2 people instead of a big group of people as that is usually when you look like a mug for saying the wrong thing and your respect is lowered and you get ignored.
Click to expand...

Wow, I can relate to that. I work much MUCH better in small groups or one on one. I seem to get lost in big groups unless I have strong ties with every single person.

I also have a bit of an issue with not knowing what to say in response to people when talking, and once the convo fades...it sucks 'cos I have a hard time trying to revive it, and usually fail. v_v

You've come to the right place though, and welcome to ALL. *hug*
 
My friend,

I think I can empathize with you on the feeling left out while in a group part of what you said. I used to feel like I was an observer of life for years. I dont feel this way anymore, but what I would do in the past is sit in a group and not say anything.

Perhaps you just need a different approach. Actively listen to what people say in a group, try to figure out who the people are, what makes them tick and then when you are unclear on something ask that person a question. Believe me, people love to be asked about themselves.

And if you hear something that you have in common with a person, or you agree with them on, tell them! and then, discuss it.

Care about the people who you are around, and show them you care. And, when they realize you care, they will care back...and this is how you make friends.

Sometimes one needs to accept what they have and the limitations they may face. Perhaps you will be only able to make certain friends. Like for me, I make friends very very easily online. And I'm satisfied with seeing my real life friends only over lunches or at club meetings.
That's enough for me.

Be friendly, be pro-active.

Give the other person something, whether it be an ear, a caring heart, or laughter (from your sense of humor). And, appreciate what you have. If you appreciate that person, they will sense it.

I guarantee it. People sense our moods and motivations, if only subconciously.

Get involved with clubs that interest you. Eat lunch with your classmates. Go live in a dorm with them.

You'll make friends. Just keep at it.

And about losing your sense of humor. You do realize a sense of humor can shield you from the hurts and pains you might feel. It can be your shield. So I reccomend you find things to laugh about again. Its good for the heart, if not the soul.

Dont give up. Never give up.

"Have the courage to live, Anyone can die" - Robert Cody

Your Friend,
SophiaGrace
 
Just wanted to ask -- are you on medication? Not to be pushing pills on anyone, but some of what you've said kind of makes me think that you might be clinically depressed (especially the loss of energy/constant tiredness along with the general depression). I'm on Prozac right now, a very low dose, but it's done a lot for my emotional fatigue and constant sadness. I've still got my problems, of course, but working out my chemical imbalances has helped me be able to deal with them better.

Just a thought. Talk to your GP or something?
 
GoingInsane, i can relate. i used to be in your boat not that long ago. My life isn't that pretty still- no group of friends i'd rather be with and still no date or girlfriend.. I have MAJOR regrets of the past from time to time also and every time i encounter any difficulty WHATSOEVER, I can't help but think back.. OVER AND OVER AND OVER.. it's a really tough habit to break and leaves me unsatisfied.. i fear not having enough time to get where i want to be also.. people say that the extent of the majority of a person's social life comes before they hit the age of 30 and i'm 19 right now.. same age as you.. i can only do what i can though and that's just to tough it out.. go to school.. visit the only group of (geeky) friends i have and etc. but it's not THAT bad.. it could've been worse.. like it was a little more than a year ago when i felt insubstantial almost each and every day and dreaded the weekend- since i had a ZERO social life and thus, that would be the time when the loneliness would hit the hardest.. anyways I've rambled enough.. I suggest you take a look at this though:

www.succeedsocially.com The site that sort of got things going for me. Good luck.
 
GoingInsane,
I can identify (when I was your age) with much of what you're going through now. A lot of it was attributable to social anxiety, though I didn't have it labelled as such at the time. I'm not sure from your description if that's possibly a factor.
Things got better after high school - it was the worst for me. I still find I'm learning new things every day about how to more successfully connect with people of interest. I'm in a transitional phase now, trying to undo mistakes of the past. There will always be some dry spells in our lives.

GoingInsane said:
I have never really met like-minded people...
Click to expand...
I'm sure they're out there, but you do have to get out and about to find and make the connections. Depending on your interests, there are many groups and clubs you can join.
GoingInsane said:
Now that I have grown up a bit I have a different attitude towards things, I'm able to stand my ground in any problematic situation.
Click to expand...
Which means you're making progress, and your confidence will return. High school knocked my confidence way down. But it's been progress ever since. Stick with it, and you'll see.
GoingInsane said:
I get told by some people (usually family) that I'm good looking and there is nothing wrong with me. It makes me mad when I hear comments like this because if I'm in this situation to start with, there is definitely something very wrong with me!
Click to expand...
Precisely my situation at your age.

SophiaGrace said:
And if you hear something that you have in common with a person, or you agree with them on, tell them! and then, discuss it.

Care about the people who you are around, and show them you care. And, when they realize you care, they will care back...and this is how you make friends.

Sometimes one needs to accept what they have and the limitations they may face. Perhaps you will be only able to make certain friends.
...
Give the other person something, whether it be an ear, a caring heart, or laughter (from your sense of humor). And, appreciate what you have. If you appreciate that person, they will sense it.
...
Get involved with clubs that interest you.Dont give up.
...
Never give up.
Click to expand...

Wise words from SophiaGrace.

Many of us here are survivors who defy the odds and continue to battle the challenges. There will always be good days and bad days, and sometimes setbacks, but in the end the rewards justify the fight.

Workplace and school aren't always the best places to make meaningful friends (in my experience anyway). Join special-interest clubs. That filters out a lot of people who might not be of interest to you anyway.

Stick with it. Good luck & keep us posted.
olg
 
GoingInsane said:
I'm a male, 19 and I haven't got a social life, never had a girlfriend, and have only been out with people a few times within the last 4 years but with no one I'd class as close friends. Lately I've been having suicidal thoughts because my depression has gotten worst and I feel there is no hope of fitting in with anyone. I have never really met like-minded people and all I do is live in the company of my family and work with people who don't particularly like me and just brag about how good their nights out were and what they did to their girlfriends last night.

Whenever I have been in situations where I've had the opportunity to meet new people and make new friends, I get the feeling of being left out, and not accepted. School was hard times, was unable to stick up for myself and all I did was let people walk over me, never really made friends there or had anything in common with anyone. Now that I have grown up a bit I have a different attitude towards things, I'm able to stand my ground in any problematic situation. I feel the school aspect has lowered my confidence in making new friends and I get the feeling the damage is stuck with me forever. I'm tired all the time, have no energy and have lost my sence of humour which I once had when I was younger.

I do not however fear going out, infact I like going out because it's not often I get an opportunity to do so and get a change of scenery other than inside my house or in my work place. Whenever I do go out, usually I'll have to put up with the reality that I'm on my own and other people are with their friends.

I get told by some people (usually family) that I'm good looking and there is nothing wrong with me. It makes me mad when I hear comments like this because if I'm in this situation to start with, there is definitely something very wrong with me!

One major problem is I cannot hold a conversation very long and usually this results in an awkward silence if you suddenly cannot pick up the next sentence or word to keep it flowing. I'm usually a better talker to 1-2 people instead of a big group of people as that is usually when you look like a mug for saying the wrong thing and your respect is lowered and you get ignored.

No one in my local area is what I'd consider friendly, usually it's all about being hard if you want a reputation.

Counseling didn't help me. Just explaining my life story to a bunch of twats who listen and look at you like you're some sad case and don't offer a solution.

I haven't fully decided yet weather I should end my life, but a positive change isn't looking promising at the moment.

Anyone in a similar boat?
Click to expand...

While I can't relate, I just want to say that ending your life is not the solution. Life is just about connections. You can have an easier time and be more talkative if you meet the kind of people who have the same interests as yourself. Try to get a hobby and attend some classes for anything that interests you.... That might help a lot.

I'm a lonely ******* as well, but in my case, I know that it's mostly because of my fault. People do talk to me, and I used to have quite a few girls that liked me a lot. I was recently told that I have two secret admirers at my job (but they couldn't tell me who they were). Yet, I'm just a quiet person, and am too analytical. I know that I have to loosen up, yet it's quite difficult for me. I am planning to learn how to play an instrument ina few months, just after I finish studying for my FE exam.

A fact of life is that 10% of things that happen to us can't be controlled, but the other 90% occurs depending on our reactions.
 
You are same age and sex as me and in a very similar situation. so I feel ya! Personally no matter how depressed I would become I could never kill myself , cause there is so much stuff to see and experience in life. You know you may just have to meet one chick and that could change your life totally! ( IF YOUR REALLY LUCKY ;)) I assume you are straight.
Anyway I encourage to keep optimism at bay , thats how I manage this ride.
 
OneLonelyGuy wrote:

"Workplace and school aren't always the best places to make meaningful friends (in my experience anyway). Join special-interest clubs. That filters out a lot of people who might not be of interest to you anyway."

This is absolutely true. I've had a lot of the same issues you have, GoingInsane, and I have found that if you are a little choosy about what social situations you place yourself in, it can help you to build a measure of confidence.

For instance, I dislike going to bars. I don't drink, and I find myself to be very uncomfortable around people who are drunk, so I avoid bars at all costs. Whenever I find myself in a bar on one of the few occasions I go out with friends, I feel very awkward and out of place, and I end up sitting there like an idiot for the whole evening (unless the Seahawks are playing; then I sit there like an idiot watching a football game). So I decided, 'why should I put myself through this?', and now I don't go to bars anymore.

Now I go out of my way to participate in activities I enjoy. I'm a musician, so I attend as many musical functions as I can. You'll be hard-pressed to find a warmer, more open-minded community than a musical one, especially if you play yourself (I suggest the tuba. Can't go wrong!).

I enjoy writing, so I participate in as many writing seminars and clubs as I can bring myself to do. Another very welcoming community.

It's all about baby steps. It's a difficult thing to change one's mindset. It isn't going to happen over night, believe me, but if you work on yourself hard enough, it'll come. "The grass is always greener on the other side". I know it's a cliche, but the thing about cliches is that they are very often true. So hop the fence!

Good luck, brother!
 
Hi goinginsane. I can relate to much of what you've said, either from my current situation or my life in the past. I can't really add much to what others have said about it except to say that I have changed, bit by bit, and hope to work on myself more over time. Things do change over time.

Anyway, I hope you find company and confidence on this forum.
 

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