L
Leatherbadge
Guest
Hey everyone. I'm new here, and I'll cut right down to it:
I'm 17, and I just got out of a six-month relationship. Yeah, six months. Ages, right? Well, I've been close friends with the said person for about 6 years. I've confided and invested, emotionally, into them more than in anyone I've ever known. They, in turn, know me better than anyone else on God's green earth... Now its all over and we part ways, and I've never felt more alone in my entire life. Coupled with in-satiated boredom, its quite a rough existence (as some of you may attest to).
I tried to be perfect with her. As perfect as I could. Everything a "good boyfriend" would do, I tried to. I can't say it didn't work, however, because the reason she decided to end it once and for all was her own problems, which she "didn't want to drag into my life". To name a few, she had a disabled mother who, due to diabetes, was mentally unstable - leaving her to care for her drugged up sister's ... three, now I think, fatherless children, and a family history filled with incessant drama and such problems, to boot.
After growing up into this and two years short from leaving for college, she couldn't handle it anymore. She became increasingly prone to verbal fights (all that existed in her household), somewhat suicidal, and going into eating disorder relapses, which led her to start purging again. Some of you may consider me lucky after reading all that, or can at least justify her reason for leaving me. Keep in mind, though, I've only told you things about her 'bad side', which, when compared to the 'good', barely seem to matter (at least to me). She had a brilliant mind, effervescent personality, knack at being cuter than you can imagine and, last but not least, looked absolutely gorgeous overall - something that, for whatever reason, she didn't want to realize. I also thought, that if she could hold out until we were both on our own, the cause of all those issues would be left behind, and so would they. Our last month together she decided to end the relationship twice, and both times I lost it, and pleaded for her not to. She replied, "Alright, but if I decide to go (...suicide) it can only hurt me that much, and you'd carry it forever." I dismissed this as just drama on her end, and a sum-up of the fact that she did indeed have problems. And, really, wouldn't anyone else in her shoes? The second time around it didn't end, but I certainly felt a chill from the matter resurrecting itself after a fight courtesy of her paranoia that I was secretly talking to a friend of her's over the smallest coincidence imaginable, because she was absolutely opposed of me talking to him - which once again, my dear reader, I wasn't, and tried desperately to get across to her with final but bitter success. Proof that unjust suspicion follows even the most blameless. 'Little' things like this seemed common in our final days, and (personally), after being dragged through so much psychological barbwire, I steeled myself against the third and final time she decided to reconsider our relationship. Having anticipated it, I agreed to ending it, and felt not bad, not good, but rather nothing at all... only an emptiness, or confusion.
We talked every day. She was practically the only and most important person in my life - and with that gone, its getting harder and harder. When I think about her, or see or hear something having to do with her - which, honestly, is just about everything I hold dear/am interested in - I get a sick feeling in my heart and some not-so-happy feelings follow. During the day in particular, however, I'm fairly resilient. I see the sun shining, and how nice it is outside and something tells me everything'll be alright (if that's not too corny). This bipolar pattern repeats itself rather forcefully, with no signs of improvement.
I really thought she was, if I may, "the one". We already planned our college plans and, by extension, life together (I know, I'm just 17 - her 18, but nevertheless). So having broken up, a thing quite unthinkable to me before, all of that was gone. It was as if I had a definite road to follow in life, and, just before preparing to embark on it, it was suddenly swept away. I had everything I wanted, someone that loved me deeply and whom I was prepared to share my life with. Now I have nothing. I have no friends, despite some loose acquaintances I talk to regularly, at this school. After being transferred twice now, and having made good friends at my two prior schools my social resolve was gone for the third... plus, I thought 'Hey, I just got to make it through these 2 years and I'll be off to college with her!' I've spent thousands on her and things for her sister's abandoned children over the course of time we were together, and've tried to support and care for her the best I could - and what I get in return is her "sparing" me from her problems and life in general. Her, with a cadre of friends to take care of her, and I with, literally, no one for any type of back up. I am, truly, alone (hence my being here).
Finding another girl isn't easy, especially not to replace her and our history together. I also don't fall for any type of girl, putting a higher standard on intelligence rather than appearance. Horrible to remember I once had both. It still, makes me sound vain though, right? Its not out of egotism, nor out of considering myself on some high pedestal of brains; I simply want someone I can deeply connect with... School's not exactly the perfect environment for searching, either, for a myriad of reasons. But, all that aside, I already commend anyone who actually read this much of my moping. *Laughs.*
I am healing, though, and there are some simple things I can focus on that make me exceedingly happy, whatever the circumstance (as temporal as they are). At night or the afternoon I grow particularly more doleful. Yet during the day, as I said, looking at the ocean or a great day outside, for example, always soothes me. Such an idyllic, poetic surrounding somehow inspires me to forget all my troubles. I loathe being negative or sullen then, and in that moment forgive all my contacts, loves (or past loves I should say), and relations for their offenses, and bless them. At such times I wish to remain like that forever; To lead a blameless, beautiful life - and go on thinking those tender thoughts until reality somehow breaks my reverie. XD Ah, if that's not too over-sentimental, I don't know what is.
Not until a few nights ago, a wholly different matter brought me to a point of depression, which I instantly sought to mediate with copious amounts of alcohol. As wise as that may sound, my failure to fight that temptation led me to call her up, for the first time in a month of no contact. She was fairly supportive of my condition, as she did indeed want to talk to me, it is only I that withheld my policy of silence from the time we parted ways. I broke that oath, then, and in doing so was reminded after it all, of what I had lost... and again I find myself, and all my progress toward mending my broken heart, gone.
If anyone even read all of this, you have my deepest thanks. I don't want any sort of miraculous solution more than anyone could ever offer one, but I am (as you know by now), lonely. And having someone listen is helpful.
So, again, thank you.
I'm 17, and I just got out of a six-month relationship. Yeah, six months. Ages, right? Well, I've been close friends with the said person for about 6 years. I've confided and invested, emotionally, into them more than in anyone I've ever known. They, in turn, know me better than anyone else on God's green earth... Now its all over and we part ways, and I've never felt more alone in my entire life. Coupled with in-satiated boredom, its quite a rough existence (as some of you may attest to).
I tried to be perfect with her. As perfect as I could. Everything a "good boyfriend" would do, I tried to. I can't say it didn't work, however, because the reason she decided to end it once and for all was her own problems, which she "didn't want to drag into my life". To name a few, she had a disabled mother who, due to diabetes, was mentally unstable - leaving her to care for her drugged up sister's ... three, now I think, fatherless children, and a family history filled with incessant drama and such problems, to boot.
After growing up into this and two years short from leaving for college, she couldn't handle it anymore. She became increasingly prone to verbal fights (all that existed in her household), somewhat suicidal, and going into eating disorder relapses, which led her to start purging again. Some of you may consider me lucky after reading all that, or can at least justify her reason for leaving me. Keep in mind, though, I've only told you things about her 'bad side', which, when compared to the 'good', barely seem to matter (at least to me). She had a brilliant mind, effervescent personality, knack at being cuter than you can imagine and, last but not least, looked absolutely gorgeous overall - something that, for whatever reason, she didn't want to realize. I also thought, that if she could hold out until we were both on our own, the cause of all those issues would be left behind, and so would they. Our last month together she decided to end the relationship twice, and both times I lost it, and pleaded for her not to. She replied, "Alright, but if I decide to go (...suicide) it can only hurt me that much, and you'd carry it forever." I dismissed this as just drama on her end, and a sum-up of the fact that she did indeed have problems. And, really, wouldn't anyone else in her shoes? The second time around it didn't end, but I certainly felt a chill from the matter resurrecting itself after a fight courtesy of her paranoia that I was secretly talking to a friend of her's over the smallest coincidence imaginable, because she was absolutely opposed of me talking to him - which once again, my dear reader, I wasn't, and tried desperately to get across to her with final but bitter success. Proof that unjust suspicion follows even the most blameless. 'Little' things like this seemed common in our final days, and (personally), after being dragged through so much psychological barbwire, I steeled myself against the third and final time she decided to reconsider our relationship. Having anticipated it, I agreed to ending it, and felt not bad, not good, but rather nothing at all... only an emptiness, or confusion.
We talked every day. She was practically the only and most important person in my life - and with that gone, its getting harder and harder. When I think about her, or see or hear something having to do with her - which, honestly, is just about everything I hold dear/am interested in - I get a sick feeling in my heart and some not-so-happy feelings follow. During the day in particular, however, I'm fairly resilient. I see the sun shining, and how nice it is outside and something tells me everything'll be alright (if that's not too corny). This bipolar pattern repeats itself rather forcefully, with no signs of improvement.
I really thought she was, if I may, "the one". We already planned our college plans and, by extension, life together (I know, I'm just 17 - her 18, but nevertheless). So having broken up, a thing quite unthinkable to me before, all of that was gone. It was as if I had a definite road to follow in life, and, just before preparing to embark on it, it was suddenly swept away. I had everything I wanted, someone that loved me deeply and whom I was prepared to share my life with. Now I have nothing. I have no friends, despite some loose acquaintances I talk to regularly, at this school. After being transferred twice now, and having made good friends at my two prior schools my social resolve was gone for the third... plus, I thought 'Hey, I just got to make it through these 2 years and I'll be off to college with her!' I've spent thousands on her and things for her sister's abandoned children over the course of time we were together, and've tried to support and care for her the best I could - and what I get in return is her "sparing" me from her problems and life in general. Her, with a cadre of friends to take care of her, and I with, literally, no one for any type of back up. I am, truly, alone (hence my being here).
Finding another girl isn't easy, especially not to replace her and our history together. I also don't fall for any type of girl, putting a higher standard on intelligence rather than appearance. Horrible to remember I once had both. It still, makes me sound vain though, right? Its not out of egotism, nor out of considering myself on some high pedestal of brains; I simply want someone I can deeply connect with... School's not exactly the perfect environment for searching, either, for a myriad of reasons. But, all that aside, I already commend anyone who actually read this much of my moping. *Laughs.*
I am healing, though, and there are some simple things I can focus on that make me exceedingly happy, whatever the circumstance (as temporal as they are). At night or the afternoon I grow particularly more doleful. Yet during the day, as I said, looking at the ocean or a great day outside, for example, always soothes me. Such an idyllic, poetic surrounding somehow inspires me to forget all my troubles. I loathe being negative or sullen then, and in that moment forgive all my contacts, loves (or past loves I should say), and relations for their offenses, and bless them. At such times I wish to remain like that forever; To lead a blameless, beautiful life - and go on thinking those tender thoughts until reality somehow breaks my reverie. XD Ah, if that's not too over-sentimental, I don't know what is.
Not until a few nights ago, a wholly different matter brought me to a point of depression, which I instantly sought to mediate with copious amounts of alcohol. As wise as that may sound, my failure to fight that temptation led me to call her up, for the first time in a month of no contact. She was fairly supportive of my condition, as she did indeed want to talk to me, it is only I that withheld my policy of silence from the time we parted ways. I broke that oath, then, and in doing so was reminded after it all, of what I had lost... and again I find myself, and all my progress toward mending my broken heart, gone.
If anyone even read all of this, you have my deepest thanks. I don't want any sort of miraculous solution more than anyone could ever offer one, but I am (as you know by now), lonely. And having someone listen is helpful.
So, again, thank you.
I'm sorry that you are going through such a painful time. You are going through post-relationship mourning - you're allowed to be a bit down right now. Hopefully you can find some support here on this forum. There are lots of people who are in, or have been through similar situations.
