Another lone shoe

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M

mixtech

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I was recently left by my fiancee, I'm far far away from my immediate family (mum, dad, sisters), friends fewer than the 5 fingers I have in one hand (whom I rarely see). I'm lonely but I enjoy it in a melancholic way. I recently discovered that I have a schizoid personality disorder that I had since I was in gradeschool apparently. I find a sense of romanticiscm in solitude. Now my melancholy fuels my pride and pride in turn drives me to continually build up an impenetrable fortress around my heart. I am beyond help and I reject even the thought of it. Egocentrism has gotten the best of me and will be my only companion for a long time to come.
 
I feel like I am becoming what you describe.  I pride myself on my cynicism, on being the "lone wolf" that everyone has rejected, but who doesn't really need anyone anyway.  It gives me a feeling of grim satifaction every time someone fails to live up to the subjective "friend test" I have silently put them through.  I don't think I have an official disorder, and I certainly don't mean to make light of it, which might make it worse in some ways--that I'm choosing to be this way, to reject and hide from intimacy.
 
kcris said:
I pride myself on my cynicism, on being the "lone wolf" that everyone has rejected, but who doesn't really need anyone anyway.

I think we always need somebody, although I wish it wasn't so.
 
oh, i feel the same way mixtech and kcris; i feel proud to be lonely nad have com eto love loneliness, somehow but the thought of no tbeing lonely scares me, it became usual for me and loneliness gave me a certain security in which i find pleasure; when somebody seems to get closer to me then usually i try to shout my heart make them go away...i just found my best friend in loneliness!
 
Well,

I think you have valid points. There is a certain romantic element to being the lone poet, the sensitive artist and the oddball. The misfit. We are different from the others in the group. It hurts and yet it can also feed the ego, because we might start to think we are better than the crowd (sometimes we are)...I used to feel a certain Zen, Japanese feeling of loneliness during the winter.

This past winter was brutal for me. It was the winter of my discontent.

:)
 
Hello

I'm brand new to the forum so please forgive me for jumping right in.

Don't let people make you feel that being alone means you're some kind of freak. There's a great book called "Party of One: The Loners' Manifesto" by Anneli Rufus. While I don't agree with everything she says, it's refreshing to hear someone saying being a loner doesn't make you a psycho.

I think the melancholy pleasure in loneliness has something to do with independence. I used to rent a room in a house and one of my roommates was not an "alone type." She ended up being with a great guy she didn't care about (she was sleeping with her ex behind his back, actually, but that's another story...). Anyhow, I went to Walmart with them once and it just disgusted me the way she wanted everything she could lay her hands on. And because he was paying for it, which they both accepted without a second thought, it was his right to say "yes" or "no." And I thought, "Shoot, if I want something I'm going to make sure I can pay for it myself!" She, of course, felt so sorry for me for not having a boyfriend. But I also think she was a little jealous that I didn't have to depend on anybody for anything.

Again, sorry for jumping right in without properly introducing myself. It's a relief to find a forum where you can talk openly about loneliness and other people understand.

MLF
 
Hi MLF,

That sounds like a fun book. I enjoy the book "A Confederancy of Dunces."
 
angeLLblueshadow said:
i feel proud to be lonely...; when somebody seems to get closer to me then usually i try to shout my heart make them go away...i just found my best friend in loneliness!

i don't feel "proud" to be lonely at all. it's been a feeling that has been with me for as far back as i can remember, & it's always been an unpleasant & uncomfortable feeling. but it's been a feeling i never wanted to admit to, even though i know it's true. to me, it feels like having the word "loser" plastered on my forehead.

i also push people away. it's not like i've always done it, but i often do, & i'm pretty aware of it when i'm in the middle of doing it but i'm powerless to stop my actions at that time. & then i'm often sad that i did the pushing away, but i guess it puts me back in my normal "loneliness" mode.

sometimes i don't want people depending on me cuz i don't feel i'm able to meet up with their expectations (or needs). does anyone else feel like that?

i'm thinking it's pretty common for those who are lonely to also be depressed, anxious, or have some sort of social problems (otherwise i guess we wouldn't be lonely).

we gotta separate "loneliness" from "aloneness" tho - cuz you can be perfectly happy (or even proud) in your "aloneness" but just by its definition*, i don't see how anyone can be proud/happy being in a state of "loneliness"...

*lone·ly:
1. affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome.
2. destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, intercourse, support, etc.: a lonely exile.
3. lone; solitary; without company; companionless.
4. remote from places of human habitation; desolate; unfrequented; bleak: a lonely road.
5. standing apart; isolated: a lonely tower.

i go camping a lot, & at times i'll go alone (or i'll take my cat), but if i have to sit there around the campfire alone, it brings on a very sad feeling. others around me will have their families, or their friends, enjoying the whole experience. me - i'll usually just be sitting there remembering a time when i had my ex-husband with me & even though we'd be fighting a lot of the time, we'd still be sharing many of the experiences. i had a "family" then (no matter how little it was), & to not have someone around to share that with just feels awfully sad. i don't feel quite the same way when i have friends with me while i'm camping, obviously. i can pretty easily be w/o a mate, but i don't like solitude all the time.

having said that, i don't mind solitude while i'm at home usually. i'm perfectly happy to have my own space, & i don't *need* someone around all the time by any means. but so much of the time there's that lack of companionship...
 

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