angeLLblueshadow said:
i feel proud to be lonely...; when somebody seems to get closer to me then usually i try to shout my heart make them go away...i just found my best friend in loneliness!
i don't feel "proud" to be lonely at all. it's been a feeling that has been with me for as far back as i can remember, & it's always been an unpleasant & uncomfortable feeling. but it's been a feeling i never wanted to admit to, even though i know it's true. to me, it feels like having the word "loser" plastered on my forehead.
i also push people away. it's not like i've always done it, but i often do, & i'm pretty aware of it when i'm in the middle of doing it but i'm powerless to stop my actions at that time. & then i'm often sad that i did the pushing away, but i guess it puts me back in my normal "loneliness" mode.
sometimes i don't want people depending on me cuz i don't feel i'm able to meet up with their expectations (or needs). does anyone else feel like that?
i'm thinking it's pretty common for those who are lonely to also be depressed, anxious, or have some sort of social problems (otherwise i guess we wouldn't be lonely).
we gotta separate "loneliness" from "aloneness" tho - cuz you can be perfectly happy (or even proud) in your "aloneness" but just by its definition*, i don't see how anyone can be proud/happy being in a state of "loneliness"...
*lone·ly:
1. affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome.
2. destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, intercourse, support, etc.: a lonely exile.
3. lone; solitary; without company; companionless.
4. remote from places of human habitation; desolate; unfrequented; bleak: a lonely road.
5. standing apart; isolated: a lonely tower.
i go camping a lot, & at times i'll go alone (or i'll take my cat), but if i have to sit there around the campfire alone, it brings on a very sad feeling. others around me will have their families, or their friends, enjoying the whole experience. me - i'll usually just be sitting there remembering a time when i had my ex-husband with me & even though we'd be fighting a lot of the time, we'd still be sharing many of the experiences. i had a "family" then (no matter how little it was), & to not have someone around to share that with just feels awfully sad. i don't feel quite the same way when i have friends with me while i'm camping, obviously. i can pretty easily be w/o a mate, but i don't like solitude all the time.
having said that, i don't mind solitude while i'm at home usually. i'm perfectly happy to have my own space, & i don't *need* someone around all the time by any means. but so much of the time there's that lack of companionship...