Getting frustrated with my loneliness

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.
4

4sak3n

Guest
Greetings everyone

I am a 21 year old male who has never had any sort of a romantic relationship at all. I have never been on a date, never been kissed, never even held hands ... things which even the most awkward, socially inept teenagers regularly seem to achieve with minimal fuss.

In previous years, as it to be expected from a teenager, this lack manifested itself as sexual frustration. But lately I seem to feel this lack a a more acute loneliness. These days I find myself craving a simple hug, or a smile instead of more lustful cravings from the past. Many people overlook just how much it can mean to you to have someone who is happy to see you, who is glad that you are in their life.

My loneliness comes and goes. I find that if I keep myself busy that I don't notice this hole within me so much. I work as equipment officer at my local scuba club and it keeps me rushing about furiously most of the afternoon and evening but whenever I go home and read a book or watch something on TV it hits me just how lonely I feel and how much I wish I had a significant other to spend time with.

Of course the fact that I recognise this loneliness doesn't mean that I don't question this frustration all of the time. I often wonder whether I have in fact moved past my sexual frustration, whether or not this latest desire for personal warmth in the form of a hug or a smile is not just a mask, hiding my sexual side to make me feel better about myself. And all of this doubt does nothing whatsoever to make me feel less alone.

I also question just why it is I have never been able to start any sort of a relationship. Its not for lack of trying believe me! I think my main problem is that I am not a social person at all. I find any sort of social situation, whether it be speaking to one other person or a room full of other people, boring and uncomfortable. I'm much happier by myself reading or doing my own thing. Which is no longer as comforting as it once was because its when I am alone that I feel the loneliness (sounds elementary doesn't it? :p)

And any way that you look at it, just about the only way to get into any sort of a relationship involves being social. You can't go out with a person unless you talk to them first and get to know them. Or at least, you can't if you aren't supremely confident.

Anyway, I'm sure that many of you out there have boyfriends and girlfriends. Just how do you go about getting involved with someone if you aren't interested in social situations? It seems a bit hypocritical to want the benefits (finding a partner) without becoming actively involved geting to know other people.
 
I wish I could offer you some advice, but I'm pretty much in the same boat. Except I'm a few years older than you, and I've still never done any of those things either- kissing, dating, etc. At various points in my life I was fairly social, but it never did any good.

I understand exactly what you mean about just craving a hug or any simple touch. One of the people I work with has the habit of clapping people on the shoulder when he sees them. I always look forward to working with him because I know I can count on that simple touch. I'm sure to him it means absolutely nothing and he probably doesn't even realize he does it all the time. But it's the only physical contact I've had with another person in years, and it makes me happy when I see him, just because of that. It's nothing sexual or romantic- he's about 75 and kind of the grandpa of our group, but that touch still means a lot to me.
 
I know exactly how you feel. All that you wrote, it's the same for me. I have never had any relationship, not even close. I have no idea how to do it. I don't know any women, and everyone already seem to have boyfriends. It can be frustrating sometimes, though I'm pretty used to it by now. I can get very emotional after watching a move with a romance in it.

I'd love some physical contact. Just a simple pat on the shoulder, or a handshake means so much to me, and I don't think anyone around me realise that. A pat on the shoulder can say so much more than just words. It makes me feel like the person really see me, and that he's not afraid of me. Sometimes I get the feeling people see a big sign hanging from my neck saying "DON'T TOUCH"

What I really would like is just a big hug. One of my dreams ^_^

I can't give you any advice on relationship, but I can teel you that you're still young. It may feel like it's getting too late, but it's not. You still have plenty of time to meet the right one, so hang in there
 
I guess my question is, if you don't like social situations at all, what would you and the hypothetical significant other do together? If people generally bore you and make you uncomfortable, what would be different about this one person who wouldn't? A partnership is a social situation.

I'm playing devil's advocate a bit here, but maybe it's worth thinking about. I'm middle-aged and washed up now, but I used to make a specialty of cracking lonely untouched geeks out of their shells, and it was noticeable that there wasn't much to do with them out of bed, since neither they nor I really enjoyed a lot of human companionship. I'm not complaining, those were great times and real connections, but making that connection didn't turn them -- or me -- into sociable people.

Anyway, it may be worth thinking about. Not that relationships aren't wonderful, but if you really don't like people that much and your chosen life doesn't accommodate a lot of hours of human contact, you may want to adjust your expectations. When you do get into a relationship, it may best be taken as a great experience with a natural endpoint, rather than a lasting change in how you live and who you are.

Or maybe not: at your age, you could really be a companionable fellow who hasn't yet found the right companions. Only you can begin to guess.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top