T
TheLonelySkeptic
Guest
When I went to Florida this last winter to visit my then girlfriend/now-ex, she found and fell in love with another man while I was there. He was my age, but well-toned, smart, charismatic, very driven, and he came from a poor back ground which made him, in my eyes, all the more noble. The three-day bus ride home would prove to be one of the most agonizing experience of my life, but the time I had only encouraged my thought. I came to the conclusion that I'm not half the man I ought to be.
Every time I picture her, she's happy. Happy with him. He's wonderful, really... kind and loving and not as preoccupied with mental illness as I am. He's strong, physically and otherwise, and I know he will support her better than I ever could have. Yeah. I am pathetic.
Now, I'm twenty-one, just starting school, jobless and still living with my parents. I've had jobs in the past, but I've never been able to hold one for more than three months or so. I'm disgusted with my image in the mirror, and with every passing day it seems more and more evident that none my grandiose childhood dreams are ever going to come true. But he's great. Of course he's perfect for her -- he's everything I'm not. What do I have to offer? I'm an emotional vampire. An infantile little boy.
The feeilng of my inadequacy is a symptom of the fact, not a mere misconception of my self. I am inadequate, and it is because of this that I believe I'll never be able to trust a person who says they love me. Because I am unlovable.
I don't know what my point is here. I haven't slept much; I just lie awake at night and think about how utterly hopeless I am. And honestly, don't give me any bullshit along the lines of "you're not hopeless, you can change!" People don't change. Heh. Oh, fresia it. What does posting on a forum help. Jesus Christ, I'm actually typing on a forum called "a lonely life" while that son of a ***** sleeps with his arms wrapped around the girl I loved.
Anyway, any of you guys on here ever feel like you're not as much of a "man" as you should be?
Every time I picture her, she's happy. Happy with him. He's wonderful, really... kind and loving and not as preoccupied with mental illness as I am. He's strong, physically and otherwise, and I know he will support her better than I ever could have. Yeah. I am pathetic.
Now, I'm twenty-one, just starting school, jobless and still living with my parents. I've had jobs in the past, but I've never been able to hold one for more than three months or so. I'm disgusted with my image in the mirror, and with every passing day it seems more and more evident that none my grandiose childhood dreams are ever going to come true. But he's great. Of course he's perfect for her -- he's everything I'm not. What do I have to offer? I'm an emotional vampire. An infantile little boy.
The feeilng of my inadequacy is a symptom of the fact, not a mere misconception of my self. I am inadequate, and it is because of this that I believe I'll never be able to trust a person who says they love me. Because I am unlovable.
I don't know what my point is here. I haven't slept much; I just lie awake at night and think about how utterly hopeless I am. And honestly, don't give me any bullshit along the lines of "you're not hopeless, you can change!" People don't change. Heh. Oh, fresia it. What does posting on a forum help. Jesus Christ, I'm actually typing on a forum called "a lonely life" while that son of a ***** sleeps with his arms wrapped around the girl I loved.
Anyway, any of you guys on here ever feel like you're not as much of a "man" as you should be?