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TheLonelySkeptic

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When I went to Florida this last winter to visit my then girlfriend/now-ex, she found and fell in love with another man while I was there. He was my age, but well-toned, smart, charismatic, very driven, and he came from a poor back ground which made him, in my eyes, all the more noble. The three-day bus ride home would prove to be one of the most agonizing experience of my life, but the time I had only encouraged my thought. I came to the conclusion that I'm not half the man I ought to be.

Every time I picture her, she's happy. Happy with him. He's wonderful, really... kind and loving and not as preoccupied with mental illness as I am. He's strong, physically and otherwise, and I know he will support her better than I ever could have. Yeah. I am pathetic.

Now, I'm twenty-one, just starting school, jobless and still living with my parents. I've had jobs in the past, but I've never been able to hold one for more than three months or so. I'm disgusted with my image in the mirror, and with every passing day it seems more and more evident that none my grandiose childhood dreams are ever going to come true. But he's great. Of course he's perfect for her -- he's everything I'm not. What do I have to offer? I'm an emotional vampire. An infantile little boy.

The feeilng of my inadequacy is a symptom of the fact, not a mere misconception of my self. I am inadequate, and it is because of this that I believe I'll never be able to trust a person who says they love me. Because I am unlovable.

I don't know what my point is here. I haven't slept much; I just lie awake at night and think about how utterly hopeless I am. And honestly, don't give me any bullshit along the lines of "you're not hopeless, you can change!" People don't change. Heh. Oh, fresia it. What does posting on a forum help. Jesus Christ, I'm actually typing on a forum called "a lonely life" while that son of a ***** sleeps with his arms wrapped around the girl I loved.

Anyway, any of you guys on here ever feel like you're not as much of a "man" as you should be?
 
While i have always felt 'less than', i have never been concerned about any type of "man" image. I am not as much of anything as i should be but someones concept of a 'man' would be the last of it that i would worry about.
 
Yeah, but who the fresia wants to be a Neanderthal? I'm more of a paradox. On the one hand I look like a trucker/serial killer, on the other I act like the complete opposite of what's expected of a normal adult male. I have the hobbies of a 14 year old, I don't blindly chase tail, I don't give a **** about sports/cars, I don't really want kids or have any idea what a "normal" family looks like, etc.

It kind of sucks, but then again, it's society who sort of defines what is expected of someone. I'm not blaming it, I'm just more and more coming to terms with the fact maybe I'm just not meant to fit.
 
crescendo.daNiente said:
Anyway, any of you guys on here ever feel like you're not as much of a "man" as you should be?

I did once...and I changed about 80% of that. Still working on the last bit.

People do change, if they want to. But sometimes it's a long hard road just to be able to want to, and see that you can. Sometimes a chemical adjustment (re: meds) helps.

On another note, I can relate so closely to your story that it's kind of depressing. That exact same thing basically happened to me with a few details changed...my girl at least waiting a few months after meeting/dumping me to find someone else, but I'm preoccupied with a lot of the same feelings and thoughts you express.

It sucks.
 
I think I am honeysuckle compared to most other men. They are so strong and bold, and I am so weak and useless. I have a gf and I often think that she would be better off with someone else. She doesn't know of my insecurities, she would surely leave me if she knew.
 
crescendo.daNiente said:
Anyway, any of you guys on here ever feel like you're not as much of a "man" as you should be?

Of course, because I don't really know what or how a real man should be like. Most men I have encountered in my lifetime that have the wife, children, and success seem to become incompetent throughout time. It looks like they have lost a little of themselves because there is nothing else for them to look forward to achieving. So there is always a distaste for me to think attaining any of those things would make me feel more like a man. Sure it would be nice, but my drive is not dedicated to that for the moment.
 
I guess I underestimated the guys' understanding of my definition of "man" lol

I don't mean some testosterone-driven, tail-chasing sports fanatic. What I meant was, you know, something women would actually be attracted to, someone strong, responsible, and capable... etc...
 
Dude I have the same problem, exept I dont blame myself so much for my looks. I actually went to the doctor to test my testosterone levels and they came out to be ok so. There is probably nothing you can do about it but work-out. Buy some free weights their cheap and you don't have to pay for a gym. Thats what Im doing and it works a little. Furthermore you can't change your face exept for your scalp and facial hair. So maybe shave your head and grow a beard? :rolleyes2:

I just noticed you allready have a beard...

mecoffee.jpg

If this is you then personally Id say lose the hair, maybe get a buzz cut or just go completely bald :D
 
No, beard is cool. Don't blame a beard for anything, except if you look like Dumbledore.
I know that problem. Frankly, I don't give a honeysuckle to that whole crap around being a real man or whatever, it's pointless. Some girls like virility to a degree, another girls would rather go for a thin and nice guy. Well, I know 'nice guy' means someone who fits better as a friend instead of a lover. But I believe it's because these nice guys don't show there true intentions to the girl, who could feel tricked in the aftermath -he played the good friend but he wanted more since the beginning, i got manipulated- don't seek further, girls are weird creatures.
I'm not as much of a man indeed, but I'm totally ok with that. We can't change our deep inside, your **** right, specifically when there is absolutely no problem with this. fresia this society who makes you believes in shitty stereotypes, only stupid people stick desperately to this crap.

Concerning your grandiose childhood dreams, well, indeed it's often hard to make them true. But who cares if the future you get into unexpected opportunities and makes a nice life which however doesn't look like what your were thinking before.

Yes I wrote a lot.
 
Jesus pot-smoking Christ, I'm not talking about virility >.<!

And I'm not one to just throw out my childhood dreams. I was particularly depressed when I started this thread; I still am, but seeing a bit more clearly. Then again, I may just be practicing not wearing my emotions on my sleeve. I've always been a story teller, but I've never actually written anything... I just suppose that some day I will, and make a name for myself. *shrugs*

But I'm not talking about "virility" ... god knows I have enough of that ;). Haha. I'm talking about the real stuff. The stuff that matters. Strength in character and ambition. I'm such a whiny little cu-er... confused individual at this point in my life that it's no wonder I keep getting left and/or cheated on. I'm just saying that it would be nice to feel confidence in myself for once in my life. Why I need a girl to make that happen is beyond me, but I do. e_e
 
lonelier-than-thou said:
Dude I have the same problem, exept I dont blame myself so much for my looks. I actually went to the doctor to test my testosterone levels and they came out to be ok so. There is probably nothing you can do about it but work-out. Buy some free weights their cheap and you don't have to pay for a gym. Thats what Im doing and it works a little. Furthermore you can't change your face exept for your scalp and facial hair. So maybe shave your head and grow a beard? :rolleyes2:

I just noticed you allready have a beard...

mecoffee.jpg

If this is you then personally Id say lose the hair, maybe get a buzz cut or just go completely bald :D

The hair stays. As does the beard. Christ, you might as well print a bar code on the back of my neck. :p
 
lonelier-than-thou said:
Dude I have the same problem, exept I dont blame myself so much for my looks. I actually went to the doctor to test my testosterone levels and they came out to be ok so. There is probably nothing you can do about it but work-out. Buy some free weights their cheap and you don't have to pay for a gym. Thats what Im doing and it works a little. Furthermore you can't change your face exept for your scalp and facial hair. So maybe shave your head and grow a beard? :rolleyes2:

I just noticed you allready have a beard...


If this is you then personally Id say lose the hair, maybe get a buzz cut or just go completely bald :D


Sacrilege!! He looks scrumptious the way he is! :p
Keep the scruff.
 
Interesting topic.

I am about six foot two, & fairly wiry but I am also much stronger and heavier than my appearance would lead one to imagine. The good - it means, unless my bottle gives out, I have the power to neutralize the average physical threat without turning it into a fight. The bad - because I am not exactly an intimidating hulk of man, I've had to prove myself much more often than I would if I were and it'ssort of given me a "Jack Russell" complex to a degree.

In my experience most woman do like a man to be able demonstrate formidable qualities. This doesn't nessacarily entail the archetypal neanderthal, it could be an intellect or wisdom that they trust would avail them in a crisis. Even popularity can qualify because there is a security in that also. Most don't like a doormat though because "tame" without any supporting qualities, gets old very quickly, unless of course they actually prefer to be the ones wearing the trousers.

Being "a man" though.

What does that really mean?

Bravery, Strength, Stability?

These things can be taken away in a heartbeat, especially by those who have experience and talent in wielding fear. I once saw an old aquaintance of mine, who had a considerable reputation as a social demigod, a local hardman and a womaniser, reduced to a quivering wreck when confronted by an ageng bouncer. I never told anyone about this because I know what they would say; they would say that he was a coward who's true colours had finally been exposed. Nevertheless, because of his percieved stature I would bet my eleven toes that every serious partner he has ever had, has been secure in the knowledge that they were hooked up with a strong alpha male. So masculinity, in an average sense, is just a form of self confidence, a projection but no more than that. There are relatively few real John Waynes walking the earth.

The only way I know how to be "a man" (and to be honest I struggle with this using my own definition) is to try and hold on to as much of what makes you unique as the world will permit.
 
FFS Kevin,
You're only 21...You're a baby.

I remember a freaken old fart telling me the same honeysuckle you're going through when
I was 22 after i got a divorced.

I kind of went into some type of bottom...To keep the story short. I pissed my
carreer down the fucken drain becuase of the mental state or attitude i had.
I was making over $50,000 a year...FFS.

Freaken the old fart said..." KID.....while you're sitting here mopping around feeling sorry for yourself,
she's out there getting banged and having the time of her life"

Well...fresia me, now I feel like that **** old fart saying the samething to ya...:(

I really had to sit down and listen to what the fresia he was trying to tell me and pounder about it for a while.

I had my preconcieved notion of what this/ that should be or ought to be ...Errr !!!.lol

Oh btw, 3-4 months after that...I ran into a girl that i fell in love with.
We both went to work and went back to college. It was rough on the surface but the love
we had for one another kept us tight and together.

The R rated version of that would be I banged her everynight.

After 1 year of living in a 2 bedroom apartment , We moved into a 3 bed room house out in the
country to raise the children, white freaken picket fence, A **** 3 story playhouse for the girls,
2 freken dogs and a dog house.

FFS..for while I thought I was Mr Cleaver pounding the beaver everynight.

mmmm... the **** old farts had to use reverse pyschology on my ass...becuase at 22 I was still a smartass
rebillous know it all kid with all the fucken answers.
They told me I wasn't allowed to fucken date. fresia those old farts...That was the first thing i did to
show those sum of bitches who's the MAN...lmao

Btw...my step son was around only 21 before he made up he fucken mind what he wanted to do.
All he did was partied and couldn't keep a job. I just wanted him to keep attending school to further his education.
But most important...I wanted him to be happy no matter what he decided to do.
In other words...he lived at home with me. He is currently an intelligence officer in the navy.
He reads , writes and speaks 5-6 languages. His dream is to be an aurther or a writter.

well..if my step kid was 21 when he was living with me...I'm a fucken old fart..:p
 
crescendo.daNiente said:
The feeilng of my inadequacy is a symptom of the fact, not a mere misconception of my self. I am inadequate, and it is because of this that I believe I'll never be able to trust a person who says they love me. Because I am unlovable.

Anyway, any of you guys on here ever feel like you're not as much of a "man" as you should be?

My opinion, if you don't mind me giving it, is this. Not one person on this earth is born perfect or the person they will become. You grow into a man or a woman. You learn and grow through experience. We are not who we used to be and we will not be the same 2 years from now. People do change at different rates of time. Sometimes it takes courage and willingness to accomplish what we want.

I think love is not in loving the "perfect" person because, there isn't such a thing. I think real love comes in loving those imperfect things about someone. It's the imperfections as well as our accomplishments that make us who we are. None of us are perfect.

As far as the definition of what a man is to me, I'm sure it's quite different than a lot of peoples.
 

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