Not sure if I'm lonely...

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kcris

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Hi everyone,

I'm not much of a computer user, and this is the first time I've ever posted on a site, but here goes. I'm 21 and female--I came across this site by accident, but I started clicking on people's threads and was really moved, not just by the initial posts, but by the responses. They all feel so genuine, which is something I don't think I experience very often.

I've struggled for several years with the question of whether I am lonely or not. To be sure, I feel lonely often enough, but then I think of the people I know, who I think do care about me to a certain degree, and how I should be grateful I have them, and then I feel guilty for not being grateful for whatever crumbs of recognition they send my way (I don't feel comfortable calling up any of these people close to midnight on a Friday night to ask them to hang out with me, just to be with me, or even just to talk to me for a few minutes, to hear a human voice). Then I think I wouldn't be so lonely if I just made an effort to "get out there and meet people." That's what everyone says. The only thing is, I have done that before, and either it's been a train wreck or it just didn't last beyond a few weeks of casual acquaintance. How do you go from idle banter to friendship? I've never been able to figure it out.

Anyway, I just wanted to put this out there. Blessed night to all.
 
Hmm, my diagnosis: Lonely ;) There are certainly degrees of loneliness.

To answer your last question about going from acquaintance to friendship...I've only done it a few times, but it seems like it takes one person putting some trust in the other first, by making an offer of friendship. Not always officially, saying "hey I want to be your friend". But more subtly, which gives them a chance to refuse politely. The person making the offer is opening themselves up to rejection, but that's how it goes.

The example I think of is the way I made one of my friends. We met working at the same place, talked once in a while. One time he invited me to a play that his wife's theater group was putting on. That offer was definitely a "hey I want to be your friend" offer, and since then we go back and forth with stuff like that, and we're pretty good buddies now. I picked him up breakfast one morning, we talk about stuff we like to do, etc. :) It's the same as when I'm trying to date a girl; once we're at least passing familiar with eachother, I can ask her on a date or hike or something, and it's the "let be friends/start dating" offer that I'm making to her. Someone has to start that to become friends, I think.
 
Empathy, thanks for responding so quickly! That kind of made my night. I've enjoyed reading your posts, particulary "Let's fix this". I hope what you imagine will actually work out. In the meantime, it's really nice to know someone's actually out there!
 
Welcome to the forums ^^

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling lonely. This is a great place to talk about it, because people here truly understands.

I wish I could give you some good advice on going from banter to friendship. I don't think there's that many options besides taking that step yourself. I know it's not easy, I've been there myself. I'm still there.
 
kcris said:
How do you go from idle banter to friendship?  I've never been able to figure it out.
I don't know, never went past it either. :(
 

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