Pride before the fall - to pursue a relationship I'm not 100% comfortable with?

Would you settle for second best? Before you answer that its probably a good idea to define what I mean by second best.

I am, of course, refering to what a large number of us here seem to crave, some sort of a relationship. So, if you had an oppurtunity to get into a relationship (whether it be romantic or otherwise, perhaps a close friendship) but had no real reason to do so apart from a yearning to be in one ... would you?

I find myself having to decide whether or not to attempt to advance what is currently a pleasant minor friendship into a more romantic relationship. To be clearer, I am trying to decide whether or not to ask out a girl who I have managed not to chase away with my brooding introspection. The catch is ... I'm not really doing it because I am enormously attracted to her ... just because I yearn to be in a relationship. I guess I'm wanting to find out if the grass really is greener on the other side.

Now I'm told that relationships are about compromise, that you have to put up with all sorts of little faults in your partner that might annoy you. But how far would you be willing to take this? For instance, if you had a deep connection with someone else who totally "got you", would you wish to pursue a deeper realationship with them if they were physically unnatractive? Would you settle for 2/3 (good personality, good friendship, bad body) or second best?

This sounds awfully shallow and immature but lets be real, a physical part of a relationship is important and not finding your partner attractive could hamper that. Conversely, having a stunner with the intellect of a sand-crawler wouldn't do much either

Anyway, I know it largely comes down to what each individual is willing to put up with, but do you think I should swallow my pride and attempt to pursue a relationship with someone who I don't find 100% irresistable?

On one hand I will get a taste of what it means to be in a relationship. I will grow emotionally and find out if this sort of thing is really for me. On the other it means swallowing my pride and accepting someone who isn't my first choice. I'm just worried that this small negative will influence any sort of contact I do have with this girl (whether it be in a romantic relationship or not) and affect my reactions, possibly hurting her.

*sigh* Not going to go back and edit all of that. If I do I'll read how shallow and stupid it sounds and delete it all.

4sak3n said:

Would you settle for second best? Before you answer that its probably a good idea to define what I mean by second best.

I am, of course, refering to what a large number of us here seem to crave, some sort of a relationship. So, if you had an oppurtunity to get into a relationship (whether it be romantic or otherwise, perhaps a close friendship) but had no real reason to do so apart from a yearning to be in one ... would you?

I find myself having to decide whether or not to attempt to advance what is currently a pleasant minor friendship into a more romantic relationship. To be clearer, I am trying to decide whether or not to ask out a girl who I have managed not to chase away with my brooding introspection. The catch is ... I'm not really doing it because I am enormously attracted to her ... just because I yearn to be in a relationship. I guess I'm wanting to find out if the grass really is greener on the other side.

Now I'm told that relationships are about compromise, that you have to put up with all sorts of little faults in your partner that might annoy you. But how far would you be willing to take this? For instance, if you had a deep connection with someone else who totally "got you", would you wish to pursue a deeper realationship with them if they were physically unnatractive? Would you settle for 2/3 (good personality, good friendship, bad body) or second best?

This sounds awfully shallow and immature but lets be real, a physical part of a relationship is important and not finding your partner attractive could hamper that. Conversely, having a stunner with the intellect of a sand-crawler wouldn't do much either

Anyway, I know it largely comes down to what each individual is willing to put up with, but do you think I should swallow my pride and attempt to pursue a relationship with someone who I don't find 100% irresistable?

On one hand I will get a taste of what it means to be in a relationship. I will grow emotionally and find out if this sort of thing is really for me. On the other it means swallowing my pride and accepting someone who isn't my first choice. I'm just worried that this small negative will influence any sort of contact I do have with this girl (whether it be in a romantic relationship or not) and affect my reactions, possibly hurting her.

*sigh* Not going to go back and edit all of that. If I do I'll read how shallow and stupid it sounds and delete it all.

Click to expand...

Oh my goodness, where do I begin? 1st of all you never described your physical self. Are you all that drop dead gorgeous? I am sure you have heard the saying "Beauty is only Skin Deep". This is very true. You sound like you have already found the perfect person. Someone that understands you, you have a great friendship with, and has a great personality. You summed it all up in saying you sounded Shallow because you did.. Think with your Heart and not with your Eyes before you make any decisions. You could end up breaking a Heart of someone who deserves much better than that.

Hey, it's not stupid or shallow. Had a sort of similar decision myself, way back before I'd done any dating. My advice...

Yes. With a couple of complications

"The catch is ... I'm not really doing it because I am enormously attracted to her ... just because I yearn to be in a relationship. I guess I'm wanting to find out if the grass really is greener on the other side."

Despite not being super attracted to her, you do indicate she has some good qualities. That's enough to base a real relationship on.
(A note on the grass being greener: My view of relationships is somewhat warped because mine always start with a strong infatuation. I consider that *part* of a relationship, and it sounds like it'd be missing from this one of yours. However, my idea that it's part of what makes a relationship 'awesome' may be totally off...it hasn't worked really well for me.)

"Now I'm told that relationships are about compromise, that you have to put up with all sorts of little faults in your partner that might annoy you. But how far would you be willing to take this? For instance, if you had a deep connection with someone else who totally "got you", would you wish to pursue a deeper realationship with them if they were physically unnatractive? Would you settle for 2/3 (good personality, good friendship, bad body) or second best?"

Go for it. I dated one girl who I didn't think was pretty, and I felt much like you do. After a few months her personality made her more attractive to me anyway. It was really an eye-opener. Apparently it CAN work that way. ^^ Since then, I maintain that love is all about personality.

"On one hand I will get a taste of what it means to be in a relationship. I will grow emotionally and find out if this sort of thing is really for me. On the other it means swallowing my pride and accepting someone who isn't my first choice."

All good things for you

"I'm just worried that this small negative will influence any sort of contact I do have with this girl (whether it be in a romantic relationship or not) and affect my reactions, possibly hurting her."
She gets to choose whether to try dating you - it's her choice as much as yours, so you can't really take responsibility for her beforehand. She might just say no right off You can only know what is good for yourself, until you are close enough to understand her.

If I get what you mean about your reactions, you'd want to be able to control yourself and maybe explain to her you're nervous (if not exactly why.) Keep it an emotional relationship until you're comfortable with more.

Take my advice with a grain of salt Good luck man.

You should consider what sort of feelings the girl might have for you. If she's completely crazy about you, it might really hurt her for you to enter into a relationship not feeling the same way and not sure if you ever will. But if she seems mildly interested or receptive, and you start out casually, that seems ok to me.

I've never been in a relationship, but it seems to me that a certain symmetry in the two people's feelings would help a lot.

That makes a lot of sense, Elaeagnus.

Hmm well this is a tough situation. I personally would not risk ruining a friendship especially if you are not attracted to the girl. Then again, we women often look past the physical. You can grow to be attracted to someone by the way they treat you and aspects of their personality. What is it about her that turns you off? After all perhaps you're not perfect either!