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So, one day me and my girlfriend had a talk about religion and it came to the point of her saying she is perfectly fine with me being agnostic for now, but she doesn't know how she will feel later down the road. We both want it to change, but she recognizes that conversion and realization of conversion takes time.
I've got reasons I want to change; in no particular order:
- I don't want this to upset our relationship. I want her to be able to talk to me about this, and to help me with it and to be there for each other about it.
- I've recently become very emotional when I've went to church. The past 2 times (granted, the first of those 2 times was about 6 months ago, or longer. The second time was today). I was teary eyed the whole time; just a mention of being saved or talking about it made me tear up. The thing that almost got me crying was when a little kid (no more than 5 years old) went up to the preacher and told him he wanted to be saved. Through the whole 1 hour 30 minute service, I had teared up about 10 different times. I came close to crying about 4 or 5 of those times. Then, we had a Christian band come and sing for our church's 33rd anniversary (the band was called Safe Harbor), and every time they would say certain names or certain things, I would get shivers down my spine and chill bumps and everything. Also, when they asked people to come ask forgiveness for their mistakes they made or things that have hurt them and still hurt them now, I felt like I was being pushed to go up there and ask for forgiveness, but I was too scared to. And I didn't know what to do. So I just sat there, with tears in my eyes.
But converting goes against a lot of things for me...
- It's hard for me to believe anything I can't see.
- I push everyone away (with the exception of my girlfriend).
- It's hard for me to trust anyone.
- My past makes it hard for me to rely on anyone other than myself or to put faith in something such as a God.
I guess I'm scared of what will happen. I'm just confused on what to do. Sometimes I think I look foolish talking about something like this to another person, which is why I prefer to do it over the internet.
I've got reasons I want to change; in no particular order:
- I don't want this to upset our relationship. I want her to be able to talk to me about this, and to help me with it and to be there for each other about it.
- I've recently become very emotional when I've went to church. The past 2 times (granted, the first of those 2 times was about 6 months ago, or longer. The second time was today). I was teary eyed the whole time; just a mention of being saved or talking about it made me tear up. The thing that almost got me crying was when a little kid (no more than 5 years old) went up to the preacher and told him he wanted to be saved. Through the whole 1 hour 30 minute service, I had teared up about 10 different times. I came close to crying about 4 or 5 of those times. Then, we had a Christian band come and sing for our church's 33rd anniversary (the band was called Safe Harbor), and every time they would say certain names or certain things, I would get shivers down my spine and chill bumps and everything. Also, when they asked people to come ask forgiveness for their mistakes they made or things that have hurt them and still hurt them now, I felt like I was being pushed to go up there and ask for forgiveness, but I was too scared to. And I didn't know what to do. So I just sat there, with tears in my eyes.
But converting goes against a lot of things for me...
- It's hard for me to believe anything I can't see.
- I push everyone away (with the exception of my girlfriend).
- It's hard for me to trust anyone.
- My past makes it hard for me to rely on anyone other than myself or to put faith in something such as a God.
I guess I'm scared of what will happen. I'm just confused on what to do. Sometimes I think I look foolish talking about something like this to another person, which is why I prefer to do it over the internet.