Isolating from close friend and confused

Hey everyone,

I made a short intro in the intro thread, I found this forum a few days ago. I'm usually long winded, I wanna kinda stray from making a huge book-length bio post and cut to the chase.

I'm in my 30s, a guy, from Calif, from divorced parents when I was a kid. I was hopelessly dateless in high school and hopelessly shy. My mom died a few years ago, was really close to her. My dad was never close to me or bonded to me.

So as a result of my mom becoming ill, my extended family distanced themselves from the both of us, and I kinda lost what little faith I had heretofore in all people and in love.

So after that I got a job, and it become my support system, emotionally, developed a lot of close friends and contacts. So due to the economy recently I lost that job, but as a result of that became super close to this older lady around my mom's age, and she really took me into her family emotionally.

Thing is recently, I dunno, I've been pushing her away I'm guessing due to severe depression. I have no reason why, and as such it has gotten deeper and deeper. I didn't take her phone calls and whatever. She also has another platonic guy friend my age, and he kinda attacked me for it, which drove me deeper in the depression and made me angry because he has been bad to her.

And, so like I tried to contact her and she ignored me, and then she tried to call/write me, and I ignored her, and so basically what it boils down to is that my very best friend in the whole world is slipping away from me, and I'm pushing her away, and I dunno why. I dunno if it's the other guy and I"m afraid of having my heart broken or what it is.

And, I find I'm in this huge depression that is unexplainable, just fatigue and wanting to isolate from people, triggered by my father who is distant from me.

And, so like I'm a hapless single dude who has never dated or anything, and I'm feeling really really attached to this woman, but not like THAT, but in a kind of nether world between the friendzone and hopelessly falling in love.

And now I'm in this place where we used to call every day at all hours of the day, and my heart would go pitter patter no matter what.

And the thing is, she is the best thing to ever happen to me, and if I lose her, I lose it all basically. And, now it's been over a month since we've talked and even though it didn't start out as my fault, I'm avoiding her now, and each day she slips away, and I dunno why. I feel like I've failed her so much, and I stay away for fear of her rejecting me or thinking I'm just some loser flake.

So yeah, just wondering if anybody else knows what I"m talking about or comes from the land of dating ambiguity like me, haha. I'm like totally inexperienced, but as friends we've been "seeing each other" for over 3 years, and we're just buddies, but yet there's this inexplicable drama between us that flares it's ugly head as if she's my gf. It's like something so obvious except to us, haha. And, then there's the other guy, and I'm so confused.

So yeah, anybody else? lol I feel like I'm losing a family member here, and I dunno what to do about it or where to go from here, and odd pop songs by Fiona Apple and Gloria Estefan are becoming scarily relevant, lol.

So yeah, pathetically yours,
Lonely Number

STOP this repetative cycle of avoidance. STAND UP. GO call her. Talk to her and explain exactly how you are feeling.

Clear the air while you can later on it may not be reversible and you may have regrets. I couldn't fathom losing my parents right now and if I did there would be the biggest void there. I'm sorry you lost your job, I've been reading posts with others who have as well, trying to get another job isn't easy I know I tried for 8 months but due to a good reason my options were very limited so I went back to school instead.

Only time will tell when your depression starts to lift, I know I've been thru it. Try your best to do what you can but what you need right now is a friend who can give you the support you need, a shoulder to cry on, sympathy ecetera. Facing the world alone is hard.

Sounds like your job and friends meant alot more to you then you think or have said, once we loose something we place great importance on our life becomes off kilter and we loose a big part of ourselves, depression sets in and it's hard to overcome or change those feelings. My depression of not having a job made me want to sleep and I slept for hours and then I'd find myself on the internet to find things to do which became a cycle.

You might want to visit a doctor for antidepressants to lift the depression, if you feel like you need to talk to someone privately you can pm me if you want, I have a caring nature, I'm a 32 female who lives in Australia.

Hi thanks for the response. It's hard to explain, no I'm not isolating because I thought/think of them nonchalantly. They meant/mean the world to me. It's just that I'm in a situation with my father due to financial circumstances that I have to be with him. He is very controlling like that old movie "Sleeping with the Enemy". And, I have no choice but to be under his control. I'm like suffering from some sort of post-traumatic stress or something with regard to him, I freeze, every moment I live in utter fear just knowing he is around. I know that makes me seem uber-pathetic. I believe I am burying some kind of super bad abuse younger, he used to beat me physically and STILL yells at me as if i were a child, but he's better now. Still this doesn't calm my fear. I know, I seem really really pathetic and stupid. So my lady friend was my quick way out, and I'm ruining or have ruined that. Yet I don't want to step from the frying pan into the fire and have this other guy think he can control me or her. She's an alpha personality. If we were a couple, she'd be "the guy" in the relationship, lolol. I'm a guy but I'm more the sensitive type, she's a take no prisoners type, which is really hot when you're on the right side of it.

I'm trying to think, to explain it. It's that there's this other guy, and he decided to take a heavy hand with me even though he's treated my friend rotten, and I take a lot of abuse from my dad, and I refuse to tolerate that from my friend's guy friend as well. When he's done crap to her and I've had the common decency to stay out of THEIR business. I feel like I'm in some kind of innane competition like that movie "When Harry Met Sally" was right, men and women can't JUST be friends. We're really tight buddies, very close, but there's this weird drama. She will get jealous and honeysuckle, and she is putting pressure on me to lose weight. So now i feel like she just like me because I was "hot" and I feel like I have to be "hotter" than this other guy to maintain the friendship, it's weird.

But that doesn't help me, I think I'm afraid of losing her to this guy, and so I stay away which just wills it. I'm very confused, I'm just suffering down a spiral of depression, anxiety, and suicidal feelings with absolutely no safety net whatsoever. That's the short version. Confronting my lady friend will only aggravate the situation, but I need SOME self dignity. I hope this makes sense because I'm not making sense to myself right now. I have tons of friends as a result from work, as in acquaintances, it's just that we were not "tight" like me and her and now she'll just think I'm a loser flake.

She's done this to me in the past, but somehow she can get away with it. Never had a gf, but in recent years girls have tried. This one girl was engaged and living with a guy, but clearly trying to lovey, dovey up to me, you could feel her ... uhh... energy attraction. Most guys would like go for it. I just found myself completely repulsed at her disloyalty to her fiancé. I'm weird. So it's hard for me to open up to people now in general and trust.

I dunno, yeah I wish I could just push the restart button, my life sucks and I feel like I've failed at Human Relations 101, it's way too complicated. That's the short version, there's more, but I'll stop for now. What's stupid is that I know I have an "allure" but that just makes me realize how love is all a game, a stupid game, which depresses me more. And, like I do attract people. People are actually perverts, even though I'm a sad virgin I know this, lol. So it's like the only pure love I had in my life untainted by the pressure to be sexually alluring was with my mom and she's dead. The world sucks.

Lonely Number

samba101 said:

Clear the air while you can later on it may not be reversible and you may have regrets. I couldn't fathom losing my parents right now and if I did there would be the biggest void there. I'm sorry you lost your job, I've been reading posts with others who have as well, trying to get another job isn't easy I know I tried for 8 months but due to a good reason my options were very limited so I went back to school instead.

Only time will tell when your depression starts to lift, I know I've been thru it. Try your best to do what you can but what you need right now is a friend who can give you the support you need, a shoulder to cry on, sympathy ecetera. Facing the world alone is hard.

Sounds like your job and friends meant alot more to you then you think or have said, once we loose something we place great importance on our life becomes off kilter and we loose a big part of ourselves, depression sets in and it's hard to overcome or change those feelings. My depression of not having a job made me want to sleep and I slept for hours and then I'd find myself on the internet to find things to do which became a cycle.

You might want to visit a doctor for antidepressants to lift the depression, if you feel like you need to talk to someone privately you can pm me if you want, I have a caring nature, I'm a 32 female who lives in Australia.

Click to expand...

Ok, first off.. do something nice for your friend; doesn't mean spending money, just some random act of kindness to let her know you appreciate her.

Forget about her other friend. We don't have a limit on friend numbers, and most people can easily juggle a couple. There's no need to compete for her attention.

I would guess.. and this is a guess mind you... that you are sabotaging your friendship out of the fear it is going to end anyway. It's a method of protecting yourself from being hurt. Try to go with the flow; if the friendship ends and you have made an effort, then you can move forward knowing that you did all you could, and that that person was important to you for a while. If the friendship ends after you have sabotaged it, then you may well carry regret for that for some time.

All the best.

First of all, I am very sorry about the loss of your mother. People do not realize how hard it is to watch someone they love slowly whither into someone unrecognizable and then watch as they die. Or the distress of being in limbo and knowing whats coming and being unable to stop it. No doubt this left you feeling very lonely and abandoned. I understand that feeling of being so depressed that you utterly want to disappear. I have a tendency to do that and I will basically fall off the earth and not be heard from.

I think your a guy who has lost the closest person he has had. No wonder you feel like such a mess. I wonder if you have done your grief work.
As far as dad goes, I think when we are little, sometimes we do not have the permission to grow up or to aquire skills that other children develope and so we must develope those on our own when we are older. I wonder when you see your dad, if in some way inside you are still that little boy that was beaten? You may have to learn how to stand up for yourself. A child can deal with the monsters under thier bed. But it's the monsters who come to them with familiar faces and names like daddy and mommy that are the scariest. But eventually, mosters turn into old men and little helpless boys do grow up regaurdless of thier past. If you can go through something so heart wrenching as losing your mom, you can certainly make some personal boundaries with you father. After all, you are not that little boy now. You are a man.

As far as the lady friend goes, I can see where you may have grown close to her in your condition. It reminded me of how patients fall in love with thier therapists. However close you may feel to this woman, you need to sort out your feelings for her.
You say she is the best thing that has ever happened to you. I believe she could be the best thing that has happened to you....so far.

As hard as this sounds and as hard as it will be, you must change. Remember that saying that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? I think it's great you came here and asked for advice. I hope you will continue to look for answers and consider councelling to help you with your loss.

Sorry for the book. I wish you well


.

There are many issues at play.

Reading your Oringal post is like reading co-dependency literature or book.

You can either seek counseling or seek help from other people that had gone
through something simular ...abandoment issues as a child. Be raised by an abusive parent,
Playing a role of a caretaker becuase no one else gives a honeysuckle or recognize the dysfucntional
of the entired situations. They're either trying to get well or are still out there.
Then grieving..which creates a feeling of more abandonment and more of a caretaker role
or habits

It's better that you seek face to face help. There's only so much a forum or on-line people can
do to help you. Face to Face recovery requires that you leave your house and not stay in isolations.
Plus it's more persistant.

Work though your issues.. Take a piece meal. You didn't become like this over nite..

Whether you get into another relationship or get back your friend..you'll are taking on a role
of a care taker, making sure people's needs are taking care of..while you yourself is falling apart
at the seems. Basically doing the same over and over again...the faces and names may change
but it's still reliving it over and over again.