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Bullied, can't make friends, men hate me, and I just don't know what to do now...:(
#1
Sad 
Where to begin?

QUITE LONG I WARN YOU!!! I've been holding this in for a very longgg time; have had no one else to talk to. So here is (just a watered-down version) of my life story lol.

1. BULLIED

From the day that I started school, I remember feeling "different" from everyone else.
During my Elementary school years, I was singled out - for whatever reason - constantly having names hurled at me, being pushed, laughed and scoffed at.
During the wintertime, I would make snow angels and lie in them, wishing that the cold would just envelop me so that the pain would stop. The only thing that kept me going, was the little bit of hope that I still had buried deep inside me and my love for my family.
At the end of 6th grade, I was excited for Junior High thinking that it would be a new chapter of my life. Ready to start the teen years; that I would not have to suffer through racism and bullying as we were all "mature" now.

Boy, was I mistaken. My Junior High years were a complete nightmare. The name-calling, pushing, harassing was at its peak. I was bullied in the classroom, in the hallways, in the courtyard, at the bus stop, even on the damn bus ride home! I was followed everywhere and was constantly told that I was ugly/fugly/hideous/a monster on a daily basis by several different (and groups) people.
I remember walking to the bus stop after school one day, had a hot chick stick her damn idiot head out of the window, and scream to me "YOU'RE F***ING UGLY!!!".
I remember sitting on the bench by myself near the school gym eating lunch, having a group of eight guys stop and stare at me, and one tell me that "You're the F***ing ugliest girl I have ever seen".
I ended up using food - namely chocolate - to cope and gained around 20-30 pounds in a few months. My self-esteem was torn to shreds at this point.

Despite how much they hurt me, I never showed my tears to my bullies. Not the time that I was shoved into a locker nor the time was I punched in the face.

Fast forward to high school, I missed probably around 40-60 days of school each year. At the end of 12th grade, I finally got tired of feeling sorry for myself, and worked hard to lose the weight and succeeded.

2. CAN'T MAKE FRIENDS

Losing weight has helped me come out of my shell a bit more, though I still suffer from a poor self-image. However, I am a friendly, approachable person and have desperately tried to change my life.

I know, I know. I have always been told to take up hobbies and involve myself in activities that I enjoy. Yes. I have done that all of my life - EVERYTHING, alone. I have: joined church groups, joined city events, joined volunteering, tried online dating and meetup sites to no success.

Even in a room full of people, I still feel alone.

You ask my co-workers, they will say that I am "nice/sweet/friendly/funny" etc, but they are not interested in getting to know me further outside of work.

I want a friend.
A friend that I understand, and understands me back. A person that I can talk freely to about the ups and downs in life. I want to be able to just go to the park, go to the movies, travel...not alone for once.
A friend that will give me a shoulder to cry on or a warm hug during times like these when I am feeling sad, and let me know that I am not alone.

3. MEN

Men. don't. like. me.

I am too "baby-faced" is what I am told by my family...or maybe I am just ugly, I don't know lol.
I'm the kind of girl that your mom or grandma would adore.
Lol, that isn't exactly "hot" is it?
I have no sex appeal I guess. When guys see me, perhaps they think of their little sister.

Arggg...I am just so frustrated. Frustrated with my non-existent love life.
What is it like, to be "loved"?
I crave for attention, affection, to be in love and for someone to love me back.
Aside from that, I am craving other things to, but I'll spare you all from the graphic details lol.

Enough misery! I am off to bed now! Only in my dreams do I feel happy...

SIGH!

P.S. You deserve a gold star if you read this far! Toungue *MWAH!*
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#2
I was never bullied, fortunately. But everything else you wrote was like looking into a mirror for me, lol. So I know where you're coming from and I'm sorry you're there! :/ Not much else I can say.
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#3
I got bullied since I can remember. Even when I was living in thailand as a child.
I got shipped from relatives to relatives. I was alway an othersider. I nevered fitted in
in school and the kids would make fun of me for one reason or another.
Sometimes they'll gang up on me...but I would fight back and get in trouble.

Even some of my cousins would make fun me...They tease me becuase both of my
parents abandent me. That I was a no good not worth a fuck..that's why nobody wanted me.
I remember get on a bus at the age of 6 by myself going to go look for my father.
I used to take a bus to school without adult supervision..so it wasn't that be of a deal to me.

When I moved to USA..it was like juming from the frying pan and into the fire.
For the first time in my life I felt people just hated me for breathing just becuase the colure
of my skin or my race. All the kids used to make fun of me...especailly when I could barely
speak english. I was the only asian kid in school execpt for my sisters. Other kids used to
make fun of me, call me names and pick fights with me all the time. Then I'd fight back and
get in trouble by the school and my parents...Then I fucken run away and get more in trouble.

I remember onetime when I was only 8 years old. I was in a toy store buying model kits.
Some stupid old man chased me everywhere and called me all kinds of names and tried
to hurt me...I fucken ran.

The bulleying continued in middle grade school...luckily I had some friends which kind of eased the tension.

In HS it got kind of bad. Onetime my girlfriend got so fed up with the bullshit...she screamed
at everybody to knock the shit off. When she died it really fucked me up.

I remember sitting at the dinner table for the first time I met my in laws.
My ex-wf took me home to meet her parents and to tell them that we were getting married.
Her parents told me striaght up they hated me for everything that I was becuae they were bigots.
My wife told me that they would be like that. Never the lesss she wanted me to meet them
and be by her side no matter what her parents thinks or say. She love me very much.
I was fucken scared shitless out of my freaken mind. She held my hand through it all.
Talk about having balls, being a man to marry a woman that I love. It was beyound confidence.

Yeap..I know what you mean. I can walk into a room full of people and feel the hate.

Idk...I don't want hate anyone. I don't like that feeling.
It's one of the reasons why I'm rough on the edges.

I'm sorry that you had to endure so much pains in your life...
Please don't give up on yourself.
You are more beautiful than you can ever imagine.
There's fucked up people in this world and it's not your fualt.
Don't blame yourself for any of it. It's not you that's ugly...it's them.
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#4
Hi Luna,
I read your post till the end..Im so needing a friend..I dont have anyone to talk too if you want to please pm me Smile
[Image: likeitlikethatsiggy.jpg]
Guy Sebastian best singer/musician in Australia
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kS5mzKTvdJk
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#5
(((((Luna)))))

I won't demand my gold star lol.

It's no surprise that years of bullying have taken their toll on your self-image. Bullies will often taunt someone as being ugly; it's easy, hard to defend against, and hurtful.

As for the family describing you as baby-faced... well, sometimes family can be hurtful just from meaning well. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Take care.
"Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice: It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved."

William Jennings Bryan
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#6
Wow Luna, your strength is amazing. (ditto Lonesome Crow)
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#7
You don't deserve any of the harmful treatment that you received throughout your life (both to Luna and Crow).

Racism is something that's still around to some scary degrees. I'm not sure where you are, but the whole world isn't like that (not the whole US either).

The best thing you can do (and one of the hardest, trust me I know) is to start letting go of what you've been through and turn a new page. It takes baby steps Smile

If anyone needs someone to talk to, feel free to pm me.
Why do we fall, sir? So that we might learn to pick ourselves up.
-Batman Begins

During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.
-George Orwell

Check out my profile for some great resources for talking to people, as well as dating.





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#8
WOW! I don't really know what to say... though i will add, when i was in high school sometimes the good looking people were called "ugly" and the rest of it. Maybe you were just too hot for them to handle Big Grin

*hugs*
[Image: 106799.jpg]
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#9
How awful for you, Luna. Sad I've often wondered why they don't have harsher penalties in school for that kind of behavior.
They say that living well is the best revenge. Not that revenge is what you're after, mind you, just making a point.
And I agree 100% with Steel - beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

(((((Luna)))))
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#10
i admire you. Really.
And like some people here i'm speechless.

well.. . i'd just like to let you know that i've read this.
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