Bullied, can't make friends, men hate me, and I just don't know what to do now...:(

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Luna

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Where to begin?

QUITE LONG I WARN YOU!!! I've been holding this in for a very longgg time; have had no one else to talk to. So here is (just a watered-down version) of my life story lol.

1. BULLIED

From the day that I started school, I remember feeling "different" from everyone else.
During my Elementary school years, I was singled out - for whatever reason - constantly having names hurled at me, being pushed, laughed and scoffed at.
During the wintertime, I would make snow angels and lie in them, wishing that the cold would just envelop me so that the pain would stop. The only thing that kept me going, was the little bit of hope that I still had buried deep inside me and my love for my family.
At the end of 6th grade, I was excited for Junior High thinking that it would be a new chapter of my life. Ready to start the teen years; that I would not have to suffer through racism and bullying as we were all "mature" now.

Boy, was I mistaken. My Junior High years were a complete nightmare. The name-calling, pushing, harassing was at its peak. I was bullied in the classroom, in the hallways, in the courtyard, at the bus stop, even on the **** bus ride home! I was followed everywhere and was constantly told that I was ugly/fugly/hideous/a monster on a daily basis by several different (and groups) people.
I remember walking to the bus stop after school one day, had a hot chick stick her **** idiot head out of the window, and scream to me "YOU'RE F***ING UGLY!!!".
I remember sitting on the bench by myself near the school gym eating lunch, having a group of eight guys stop and stare at me, and one tell me that "You're the F***ing ugliest girl I have ever seen".
I ended up using food - namely chocolate - to cope and gained around 20-30 pounds in a few months. My self-esteem was torn to shreds at this point.

Despite how much they hurt me, I never showed my tears to my bullies. Not the time that I was shoved into a locker nor the time was I punched in the face.

Fast forward to high school, I missed probably around 40-60 days of school each year. At the end of 12th grade, I finally got tired of feeling sorry for myself, and worked hard to lose the weight and succeeded.

2. CAN'T MAKE FRIENDS

Losing weight has helped me come out of my shell a bit more, though I still suffer from a poor self-image. However, I am a friendly, approachable person and have desperately tried to change my life.

I know, I know. I have always been told to take up hobbies and involve myself in activities that I enjoy. Yes. I have done that all of my life - EVERYTHING, alone. I have: joined church groups, joined city events, joined volunteering, tried online dating and meetup sites to no success.

Even in a room full of people, I still feel alone.

You ask my co-workers, they will say that I am "nice/sweet/friendly/funny" etc, but they are not interested in getting to know me further outside of work.

I want a friend.
A friend that I understand, and understands me back. A person that I can talk freely to about the ups and downs in life. I want to be able to just go to the park, go to the movies, travel...not alone for once.
A friend that will give me a shoulder to cry on or a warm hug during times like these when I am feeling sad, and let me know that I am not alone.

3. MEN

Men. don't. like. me.

I am too "baby-faced" is what I am told by my family...or maybe I am just ugly, I don't know lol.
I'm the kind of girl that your mom or grandma would adore.
Lol, that isn't exactly "hot" is it?
I have no sex appeal I guess. When guys see me, perhaps they think of their little sister.

Arggg...I am just so frustrated. Frustrated with my non-existent love life.
What is it like, to be "loved"?
I crave for attention, affection, to be in love and for someone to love me back.
Aside from that, I am craving other things to, but I'll spare you all from the graphic details lol.

Enough misery! I am off to bed now! Only in my dreams do I feel happy...

SIGH!

P.S. You deserve a gold star if you read this far! :p *MWAH!*
 
I was never bullied, fortunately. But everything else you wrote was like looking into a mirror for me, lol. So I know where you're coming from and I'm sorry you're there! :/ Not much else I can say.
 
I got bullied since I can remember. Even when I was living in thailand as a child.
I got shipped from relatives to relatives. I was alway an othersider. I nevered fitted in
in school and the kids would make fun of me for one reason or another.
Sometimes they'll gang up on me...but I would fight back and get in trouble.

Even some of my cousins would make fun me...They tease me becuase both of my
parents abandent me. That I was a no good not worth a fresia..that's why nobody wanted me.
I remember get on a bus at the age of 6 by myself going to go look for my father.
I used to take a bus to school without adult supervision..so it wasn't that be of a deal to me.

When I moved to USA..it was like juming from the frying pan and into the fire.
For the first time in my life I felt people just hated me for breathing just becuase the colure
of my skin or my race. All the kids used to make fun of me...especailly when I could barely
speak english. I was the only asian kid in school execpt for my sisters. Other kids used to
make fun of me, call me names and pick fights with me all the time. Then I'd fight back and
get in trouble by the school and my parents...Then I fucken run away and get more in trouble.

I remember onetime when I was only 8 years old. I was in a toy store buying model kits.
Some stupid old man chased me everywhere and called me all kinds of names and tried
to hurt me...I fucken ran.

The bulleying continued in middle grade school...luckily I had some friends which kind of eased the tension.

In HS it got kind of bad. Onetime my girlfriend got so fed up with the bullshit...she screamed
at everybody to knock the honeysuckle off. When she died it really messed me up.

I remember sitting at the dinner table for the first time I met my in laws.
My ex-wf took me home to meet her parents and to tell them that we were getting married.
Her parents told me striaght up they hated me for everything that I was becuae they were bigots.
My wife told me that they would be like that. Never the lesss she wanted me to meet them
and be by her side no matter what her parents thinks or say. She love me very much.
I was fucken scared shitless out of my freaken mind. She held my hand through it all.
Talk about having balls, being a man to marry a woman that I love. It was beyound confidence.

Yeap..I know what you mean. I can walk into a room full of people and feel the hate.

Idk...I don't want hate anyone. I don't like that feeling.
It's one of the reasons why I'm rough on the edges.

I'm sorry that you had to endure so much pains in your life...
Please don't give up on yourself.
You are more beautiful than you can ever imagine.
There's messed up people in this world and it's not your fualt.
Don't blame yourself for any of it. It's not you that's ugly...it's them.
 
Hi Luna,
I read your post till the end..Im so needing a friend..I dont have anyone to talk too if you want to please pm me :)
 
(((((Luna)))))

I won't demand my gold star lol.

It's no surprise that years of bullying have taken their toll on your self-image. Bullies will often taunt someone as being ugly; it's easy, hard to defend against, and hurtful.

As for the family describing you as baby-faced... well, sometimes family can be hurtful just from meaning well. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Take care.
 
You don't deserve any of the harmful treatment that you received throughout your life (both to Luna and Crow).

Racism is something that's still around to some scary degrees. I'm not sure where you are, but the whole world isn't like that (not the whole US either).

The best thing you can do (and one of the hardest, trust me I know) is to start letting go of what you've been through and turn a new page. It takes baby steps :)

If anyone needs someone to talk to, feel free to pm me.
 
WOW! I don't really know what to say... though i will add, when i was in high school sometimes the good looking people were called "ugly" and the rest of it. Maybe you were just too hot for them to handle :D

*hugs*
 
How awful for you, Luna. :( I've often wondered why they don't have harsher penalties in school for that kind of behavior.
They say that living well is the best revenge. Not that revenge is what you're after, mind you, just making a point.
And I agree 100% with Steel - beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

(((((Luna)))))
 
i admire you. Really.
And like some people here i'm speechless.

well.. . i'd just like to let you know that i've read this.
 
Silhouette// Thanks for your response. I'm sorry to hear that it was like looking into a mirror when you read my post! It is hell! I hope that things will get better for you too.

Australiangirl// Thank you, and I'll take you up on that. :)

Steel/ Quit Claim/ Get Down!// You guys are too kind...I feel as if I seem like I am fishing for compliments or something lol. Guess I am not too used to having encouragement from others. Everything that I've had to fight for, I've done it alone. It does get hard sometimes though, but it's great to know that there are good people out there like you guys here.

Eve// (Love your username by the way...:D)

All schools are the same - they all turn a blind eye. Whenever I see a school stating that they have a zero-tolerance policy for bullying, I say bullshit! Teachers themselves are bullies!

But definitely, kids get away with far too much...all they get is a slap on the wrist. Or better yet, *suspended*. A lot of these kids don't even give a ****, and to them, it might as well be a holiday from school. <.<

Punisher// Lol... I like your upbeat sense of humour. I MUST BE SMOKIN' THEN! :p

Hadrurus// I live in Canada! A country that prides itself on multi-culturalism. I would think that people in this day and age would be more accepting and understanding of differences.

On another note...it bothers me when I see posters encouraging people to "tolerate" racial differences. Tolerance has always meant to me, to put up with something that you do not like. Perhaps it was the way I was raised, or maybe what I've gone through, but I see us all as equals and I accept, and embrace differences.

And I am taking baby steps...been trying to rebuild my life after I had finished Hell - er...I mean High School.




Lonesome Crow, I have so much to say but I do not even know where to start.

Family should be the ones that you can turn to, especially when you are young and going through such troubles that you are not not prepared to handle alone. I am sorry to hear what you had to go through as a child. No child should be treated as such.

I know what it's like to feel as if people hate you just for existing. I was the only Chinese in my classes. The other Asians, though very few, looked down at Chinese people.
I associated all of my suffering and pain as a punishment for being Chinese.
I tell you, I was screwed up in the head like crazy!
But now, I realize that it is not my race that is the problem, but rather, the hatred and prejudice that they have, which is THEIR problem.
Though now and then I still struggle, I am more accepting of who I am.

I am sorry to hear what you have gone through too.

Thank you for your kind words; you have a good head on your shoulders.
Life can be so cruel, but it's easier to fight through when you have support.

I have read some of your posts - don't worry, I am not a stalker lol - on the forums, and you have gone through hell and back.

Man, if you can have made it through all of that pain and turmoil in your life, I can in mine.
 
Luna said:
On another note...it bothers me when I see posters encouraging people to "tolerate" racial differences. Tolerance has always meant to me, to put up with something that you do not like. Perhaps it was the way I was raised, or maybe what I've gone through, but I see us all as equals and I accept, and embrace differences.

Could not be more true.

Luna said:
Steel/ Quit Claim/ Get Down!// You guys are too kind...I feel as if I seem like I am fishing for compliments or something lol. Guess I am not too used to having encouragement from others. Everything that I've had to fight for, I've done it alone. It does get hard sometimes though, but it's great to know that there are good people out there like you guys here.

The compliments came naturally. You do deserve the compliments and encouragement because you have been very strong through your strife. You're a fighter, be confident, be proud!
 
I think it takes a lot of power to never show a single tear to your bullies and just that makes me think you're a strong person.
I don't know what to say before I give a wrong impression*always get that feeling* but if you wanna chat for a bit just send me a message,

take care
 
I have been bullied by many people at school and sadly by older male relatives who felt threatened by my ability to be financially independent. It definately was not because of my looks or anything. I think a big part of my being bullied both at school and by family has been a certain group dynamics. I certainly hope that one day these people will be brought to some kind of atonement for their poor behavior. It is really hard not to blame yourself for abuse. cvnuttee
 
Quit Claim/ Takumi// Thanks you guys. :) Sometimes I don't feel so strong, but I'll have my day.

Cvnuttee// It's terrible enough to be bullied at school, let alone by your relatives on top of that. Whatever the "group dynamics" may have been, that type of behaviour is unacceptable and hopefully the saying "What goes around, comes around" holds some water.

I know it's hard not to blame yourself for the abuse; I find that I do it every so often...in fact, I did it today. I wish I could give you some advice, but I am struggling too. So many of us are in the same boat...so always know that you're not alone in this. *hug*
 
I was bullied like crazy up until high school.

I've always tried to be nice and polite to whoever I've met in life.
 
I'm in the same boat as you.
I've been bullied a lot in elementary school (chased with scissors, thrown tables at) brutal. I was a bit a a weirdo, anyways.
In high school I did have some close friends, though it seems that to them I'm still a minor character. And some people misunderstood me and yelled at me because they think it's my fault.
I'm Asian and have a babyface too. I just wish there's people I can be close to too.
But I'm sure you'll find a road ahead. Join a support group or an Asian Association group.
 
I've heard 101 bullying-stories before but what you guys (Luna, LC and others) endured is mind-blowingly shocking!!
And -don't bother to answer, as there is no answer- what the bloody heck is wrong about being Chinese??? -or infact any other racial origin!!
It's upsetting to realize how many people are so pathetic that they need to hit on anything and anyone different to themselves to cope with their own inferiority-complex. [Don't get me wrong, understanding where bullying/ abusive/ hurtful behaviour comes from does never and must never excuse it!]
And where -for crying out loud- are the parents????!!!!!
I would NEVER allow my child to play any part in bullying -boy, would he live to regret it! But then I'm confident to raise my child with respect for any living being!
And letting my child be continously victim to bullying? -over my dead body!
I can't believe when parents -who have a DUTY to PROTECT their children from physical and emotional harm- first fail to protect their children and then have the bloody cheek to punish them when they take matters in their own hands. AAAARRRGHHH!!!
Luna, I'd love to be your friend but hey, I'm on the other side of the big pond...
At what point in life -if I may ask- are you guys now?
 
I like the way you listed your problems without b!tching about them. I really think you should like yourself more. C'mon, you can't be harsh on yourself on all messed up stuff you got. Start to love some, start to see the good list :D
Friends? you really should know what you want in friends. For me, look is my last interest I just her/him to be honest, humble, and giving.
Finally, just be more accepting to people. Why you feel alone in a room full of people? you're a girl, most lonely emos are little boys... because it's expected from "us" to make the move, while we can't cuz we're lame. Girl, start to love yourself more :).
Thanks for sharing + take it easy
 

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