a quote a day keeps loneliness away

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bianhua

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to dispel loneliness is a constant war between love and pain, but once you waged the war, you would find the constant pleasure of constant conquering of your self misery and loneliness.
so let's put all the fine quotes here and cheer us up with all those warmhearted sayings, and make everyday a good one to tolerate, and make tomorrow more tolerant than today, and give a reason to our laughters.
here is my quotes,

Love is a sweet tyranny, because the lover endureth his torments willingly. ~Proverb

Love is being stupid together. ~Paul Valery

Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly. ~Rose Franken

Who, being loved, is poor? ~Oscar Wilde

Ah me! love can not be cured by herbs. ~Ovid

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. ~Mother Teresa

A baby is born with a need to be loved. ~Frank A. Clark

Love is like dew that falls on both nettles and lilies. ~Swedish Proverb

Take away love and our earth is a tomb. ~Robert Browning

True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen. ~François, duc de La Rochefoucauld

Love, and a cough, cannot be hid. ~George Herbert, Jacula Prudentum, 1651

A man is not where he lives, but where he loves. ~Latin Proverb

Let your love be like the misty rains, coming softly, but flooding the river. ~Malagasy Proverb

maybe its too much, but what i want to express here is that love, no matter in what form, is the only medicine for our lonliness, so let us take a dose a day and be restored to our former health, maybe more healther in future...:)
 

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PoWer2tHePeOpLE said:
And the true key is to trust in self
For when I trust myself, I fear no one else.

Beastie Boys

thanks for your quote, it reminds me of another quote about trust.

"unless you make your self trustful, you will ever live in the kingdom of deception."
----Norway Proverb

BTW, I love the song "power to the people" too, it tells me though in form we are different, yet in essence we are all from the same source of life. they're different to become unique and beautiful, they are same for they are all children of the same eternal love.

Naval_Fluff said:
"You're not alone, there is more to this I know. You can make it out, you will live to tell."

Saosin

thanks for your reply, Naval_Fluff, it gives me the hope that i could live to embrace the ideal i dreamed, is dreaming all my nights.

"I want to die in love, not to live in loneliness."
-----a loner's confession
hope you a good day~


here is my quote for today,

"Death is a disease, like any other, there must be a cure, a cure, and i will find it."
----movie,The Fountain 2006

i think it's the same case with loneliness, so please allow me make a little difference with the original lines, here it goes,

"Loneliness is a disease, like any other, there must be a cure, a cure, and i will find it."
 
The girl that I loved told me this, "I can't love you when you don't love yourself!"
Today that girl is my wife.
 
*Sigh* said:
The girl that I loved told me this, "I can't love you when you don't love yourself!"
Today that girl is my wife.
thanks for your quote, *Sigh*.
there must be a very touching story behind it.
have a good day~:)

Life sucks, then you die.
----Enchantress

Death sucks, then you live.
----Sorcerer

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? ~Author Unknown

Love isn't blind, it's retarded. ~Don Foster and Susan Beavers

Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less. ~Julins Gordon

Hate leaves ugly scars, love leaves beautiful ones. ~Mignon McLaughlin

Come live in my heart and pay no rent. ~Samuel Lover
 
Naval_Fluff said:
"You're not alone, there is more to this I know. You can make it out, you will live to tell."

Saosin

This is my favorite one. Thanks for posting it :).
 
All the lonely people, where do they all come from?
---The Beatles
All you need is love.
---- ---The Beatles
Love is real, real is love.
-----John Lennon
sometimes when i feel alone, i'd like to listen to these songs, and know that some loving souls were suffering from the same need of love somewhere too, then hope once again rises in my heart, though we cannot see each other in person, but we can console each other in spirit. and in this consoling love may once again emerge from the abyss of loneliness.
hope all you loners here feel better, though it's very hard to get rid of that feeling, it's like a shadow, always sticks to those who always look backward and downward, so let us raise our heads up then the eternal sunshine of mutual love would once again draw us into his loving embrace.:)
 
"Murderer!"
----Cancer
"Saviour!"
----Patient
"I am He."
----the One

Love is a poison, unless you prepared for it very well, you'd never taste the delight of death.
-----Author Unknown
 
“The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.”
 
Luke_S said:
“The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.”

your quote is very hope-arousing~ so let's us all cast away our illusion, no matter what kinds of -ists we are, and step into this spaceship of realisation, and begin a space voyage for the lost planet of merriment, and no matter what winds or changes occur, we will keep on this journey all the same, for the destination is too alluring to be abandoned. so let's adjust the sails, and make for the dream island~

"Gone, Gone, Gone to the other shore
Gone, together to the other shore
O-awakening. All hail."

----Donovan
 
Long-ass post...
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Many of the "deep thoughts" below make me laugh out loud. This will give you an idea of how bizarre my sense of humor is. Some repeats will appear here and there...
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mould. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual pushbuttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names to see who is asking the question.
If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors.
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that..
I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya darn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.
If aliens from outer space ever came and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn't really our civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our real civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they're waving goodbye.
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.
If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because then I could walk around on two feet with a lot of other guys like me.
If you're at Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.
If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject.
I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment" even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement." I think this makes him feel better.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favour of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed right off the stage. They're just not ready.
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page that you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.
I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.
If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.
I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.
It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.
I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town. But I said I thought he was nice, that he just didn't know how to show it. The meanest man in town, I said, was the mean old guy who lived in the big white house. "THAT'S MISTER SWENSON," they said. Oh, my mistake.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
I bet a funny thing abut driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!
I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, one thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before I start, you have all the jewellery and so forth on the body, because I am not unwrapping him later.
In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round. But around here they'll always be known as screw-boys.
It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I with me. I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up the telephone, and dial. My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this squawking and cheeping. "What!? What!?" I would yell back, but he never did speak English.
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rat trap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him.
If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.
I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
I think it's high time we started questioning the old cliches like "Grunt big for Daddy."
If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.
I think man invented the car by instinct.
If I had the time to sit down and write a thank-you note to everyone who sent me a nice, expensive present, what a wonderful world that would be!
I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk. After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw some water in his face or something.
I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns---regular sun and "rogue" sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I'd say, "Regular time?" And they'd say, "Yeah." And I'd say, "Sorry, all I have is rogue time." It'd be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy.
I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I?
I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels into the ground, and live there. But don't ever call us "ants", because we hate that.
I wonder if Dracula ever has ticks.
I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.
If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.
Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way. Cars, too!
Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around.
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you.
If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels", because then I could go up and bite people and they would turn around and go, "What the-?" And then they would recognize me, and go, "Oh, it's you, the Prince of Weasels."
Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moon, and then we notice it's not the moon but a streetlight? Also what's funny is how we do this every night.
I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can't seem to act like an eagle. After a while, though, to keep the movie from getting boring, maybe put in some pornography. Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like an eagle. He see two parrots below and starts to attack, but it's his parents. Then, some more pornography.
If you're travelling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's gong to affect things one way or another. But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help: "Black-and-white, stinks all right. Tabby-colored, likes a fella."
If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look him square in the eye and say, "Okay, YOU TELL ME what's `fashionable'." But he won't. And you know why? Because you can't ask someone what's fashionable in a smart-alecky way like that. You have to be friendly and say, "By the way, what's fashionable?"
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ``That guy sure owed me a lot of money.''
I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone? That way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to save out national forests.
I'm just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is wearing out is something I call "image fuzz-out." But I've never even seen a radarscope, so I wouldn't totally go by what I've just said here.
I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow, but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times. I think they got the point.
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot.
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something.
It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars.
I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you." So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.
If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and wash my car; third, shine all my shoes. There, isn't that better?
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much.
I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.
If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
If there's ever an amusement park called Bag World, I bet it would really start to annoy you after a while how they really sort of stretch the definition of "bag."
I don't think I'm ever more "aware" than I am right after I hit my thumb with a hammer.
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
It's easy to sit and scoff at an old man's folly. But also, check out his Adam's apple!
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier in the day, up on deck, I guess I'd go, but I'd try to find some excuse to leave early.
I think my favorite monster movie is "Gone With the Wind", because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster.
I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit.
I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyone listening to me?!
If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you.
If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in, and there at the wheel is Captain Termite.
Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next minute you're just driving real fast, swerving back and forth across the road?
If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them their ants ate your baby.
I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then somehow I get myself elected president.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed that I'd quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, "Well, technically that's illegal." It might fit in with what somebody just said. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.
If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favourite thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they smash you, ick!. You're all over their lip.
I hope that they never find out that lightening has a lot of vitamins. Because do you hide from it or not?
I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling". It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don't know why we should do this, but my God, we've got to try something!
Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or state fair, the first thing we do is see if they have a pornography booth.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much."
If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up the wall.
If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said inspection." They'd probably feel real bad and maybe I could get out of it.
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?
It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.
If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject.
If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.
If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't stop and think of what other words have "under" in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness.
I bet when they weren't fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to stick potatoes on the ends of the horns, so as to avoid eye pokings to fellow Vikings and lady Vikings.
Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?
Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I "swarm" about to protect my nest of chocolate eggs.
Just as irrigation is the lifeblood of the Southwest, lifeblood is the soup of cannibals.
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
Let's be honest: Isn't a lot of what we call tap dancing really just nerves?
Love is not something you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat.
Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...
Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.
My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one "swollen" shoe, for when you get bit by a rattlesnake.
Marta talks about sensuality, but I don't think she'd know sensuality if it bit her on the ass.
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, ``Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in THAT."
Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet.
Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?
Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
Marta said I don't seem to like to read fiction very much. "I guess you're not an `afictionado'," she said. Poor Marta. For all her reading, she doesn't even know the right word.
One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.
Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.
Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the that's the least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise.
One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it to you.
One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he had asked me.
Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
One question that's never been answered to my satisfaction by the "Playboy Advisor" is "What kind of stereo system works best in hell?"
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with blonde hair.
People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together on some sort of construction project. But what about just a big field full of holes?
People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.
QUIZ: If I am my brother's brother, who am I? (Answer: me.)
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.
Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems" from burglars.
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.
Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually ARE experts.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head". Normally, you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who had beautiful swept-back features, as if flying though the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.
The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the meteor - through some kind of space warp or something. "Go, Bob, Go!" yelled one of the generals. "Give me that!" said the big-guy general as he took the microphone away. "Listen, Bob," he said. "You've got to steer that meteor away from Earth." "Yes, but how?" thought Bob. Then he got an idea. Right next to him there was a steering wheel sticking out of the meteor.
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than that. It was a flag of surrender. And after that, it was torn up and used for shoe-shine rags, so the men would look nice for the surrender.
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.
The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.
The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me."
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he though. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."
To me, there's no better symbol for the world than a grasshopper lying dead on a gravel road, and maybe there's a globe lying next to him.
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY," but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.
The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.
To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big "thing." This is truth, to me.
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then "skinned." I'm not sure what the fourth stage is.
Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probably be PROUD to be sprayed by one.
The old-timers around here still shake their heads and chuckle about that city slicker who came through, trying to peddle "hair restorer." He took everyone's money in a poker game, so when he tried to sell the bottles of hair restorer, nobody had any money left to buy it!
The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, "What am I doing?!"
Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags?
Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy! I'm going insane again.
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship? It's simple, it comes from the earth, and it can kill you if you disobey it.
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is wrapping it too tight. You have to allow the head to breathe.
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lie down and go to sleep.
Whenever anyone says "I can't," it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by about ten thousand bees. When he says "I'll try," five thousand bees. ("I can," one bee.)
When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."
When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English."
Whenever I need to ``get away,'' I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect. The only bad thing there are the flies. They're terrible!
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives. In fact, it might be said that rules have become the foot-long sticks of mankind.
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.
We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flap?
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want the same thing: a better house!
What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. That's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say? That's an honest question, and I'll try to give it and honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison feather?
When Rick told me he was having trouble with his wife, I had to laugh. Not because of what he said, but because of a joke I thought of. I told him the joke, but he didn't laugh very much. Some friend he is.
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.
When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close.
When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and yell, "Why you stupid, stupid *******!" Them I drive them out into the desert where the circus is, and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life.
You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?!
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
You can't tell me that cowboys, when they are branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while. It's their way of letting off stress.
You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood.
You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to. But I'm telling you, I will bark at any sound I hear and it will drive you crazy.
You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you.
You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for pretty rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke, just to get out of writing a simple letter. And I thought I was lazy.

I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel.

I remember how my great uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it, and no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
I think a cute idea would be about a parrot who is raised with eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can't seem to act like an eagle. After awhile though, to keep the movie from getting boring, maybe put in some pornography. Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like an eagle. He sees two parrots below and starts to attack, but it's his parents. Then, some more pornography.
I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver, and since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up real quick and hand it to him.
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then at the very end, there's a page you can lick, and it tastes like Kool-Aid.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair, and get so bummed out that I just quit my job, and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampoland, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seem to be getting out of control.
If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it's OK to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.

I
s there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset, and he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet, and also, you're drunk.
Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself, "mankind". Basically it's made up of two separate words, "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.

The sound of fresh rain runoff splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients, but we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. P.S.: this also works with men.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable, until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a HUMAN HEAD!
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must've sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house, and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern, with a knife stuck in the side of its head, with a note that says "you". After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy, and people will try to catch you, because hey, free dummy.
Anytime I see something screech across a room, and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much, he made a woman out of dirt, and married her, but when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said "dust to dust", some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in Heaven, with a gun."
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad". We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke", but to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him, and not feel too bad.
We used to laugh at grandpa, when he'd head off and go fishing, but we wouldn't be laughing that evening, when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color, to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some chihuahuas with some good ideas.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.


If you're a youn
g mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, "What if I was an ant, and she fell on me?" Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Today, I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house, and I thought, "I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself - a shell if you will - but my shell isn't made out of a hard protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags."

I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave, and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on, we found out he was a bear.
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion, or the tiger, or even the elephant. It's a shark, riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them. Man, wise up!
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.
Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you'd probably be proud to be sprayed by one.
Children need encouragement, so if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.
If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing, or the cranberry sauce, or anything else, just pretend you're eating it, but instead put it into your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big cough and throw the ball to the ground, then say, "Boy, these are good cigars."
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting.
Instead of having answers on a math test, they should just call them "impressions", and if you got a different impression, so what? Can't we all be brothers?
I bet for an indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad, and then I think, "Ah, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head, and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain.
If you're an ant, and you're walking across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone.
Marta talks about sensuality, but I don't think she'd know sensuality if it bit her on the ass.
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?
If I was a doctor operating on a patient, and he died on me, and his spirit was hovering above his own body, looking down on it, I would take out a hundred dollar bill, flash it at the spirit, and then stuff it in the hand of the dead body. This would coax the spirit to return to his body. If that didn't work, I'd put the body's hand on the breast of a nurse. That oughta do it. In any case, I'd take the hundred dollar bill back before he woke up.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not for our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?", or, "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe, but the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed, and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."
If aliens from outerspace ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn't really our civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in 20 years to see our real civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they're waving goodbye.
When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
I wish outerspace guys would conquer earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little basket beds with my name on it.
When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and yell, "Why you stupid, stupid *******!" Then I drive them out into the desert, to where the circus is, and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life.
You know what it is that frightens ants the most? It's not the anteater, and it's not the steamroller. No wait, it is the steamroller. I got mixed up.
Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography booth.
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
It's easy to sit and scoff at an old man's folly, but also, check out his Adam's apple.
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No wait, not me, you.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like more money, and I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy, just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.


If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't necessarily think it means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.


If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it easy!

If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.

I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same guy, and I'll tell you why: Both fly, both wear red, and both have a beard.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes. Hey, better try the emergency brake.

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long blonde hair.

You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in awhile. It's their way of letting off stress.

The whole town laughed at my great grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano, and collect the gold nuggets that shot out everyday. It turned out he was right. After 40 years the volcano petered out. Everybody left town and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg, and the doctor's bills were real high.

I remember one day I was at grandpa's farm, and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you." So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.

You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime to keep mosquitos away from you and your guests? Just a big bag full of blood.

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is don't run with a wooden stake.


When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police, but then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.


Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.


When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different.


They say the mountain holds many secrets, but the biggest is this: "I am a fake mountain."


Before a mad scientist goes mad, there's probably a time when he's only partially mad. And this is the time when he's going to throw his best parties.


It's funny, but when you look at an old man, then you look at a photo of him when he was a young man, then look back at the old man, then the photo, back and forth, pretty soon you'll do whatever anybody tells you to.


When he was a little boy, he had always wanted to be an acrobat. It looked like so much fun, spinning through the air, flipping, landing on other people's shoulders. Little did he know that when he finally di
 
hitori1973 said:
Long-ass post...
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

thanks for your post.

here are today's quotes.

Making love have nothing to do with sex organs.
- Arabian Proverb

The boy smiled, for the dead pool was once again stired up and gushed out the lifegiving water.
-Well in the Valley

The reason most people sweat is so they will not catch fire while they are making love.
-Don Rose

Making love is like a battle enjoyed by both sides.
- Art of Pleasure

I want to make love not war.
-John Lennon

Everybody is even making love or else expecting rain.
-Bob Dylan

Making love is like a war, it begins with chaos, and ends with tranquility.
-Indian Aphorism

Oh baby, let's make love
All night long
All night long
Let’s make love
-Faith Hill And Tim McGraw
 
Never start with a clear idea of storyline. Instead, commence blindly, with a vague notion of trying to include a reference to your favourite band, gift shop, or chocolate bar.
 
butterflies fly in pairs.
ducks sport together.
i am alone here like a shadow.
 
So ... this thread seems to be merely an opportunity for people to display various degrees of pretension. It's like saying, "you're lonely, I'm lonely, so here's some pseudo-philosophy washed down with an inflated sense of our own wide reading".
 
little_buddha said:
So ... this thread seems to be merely an opportunity for people to display various degrees of pretension. It's like saying, "you're lonely, I'm lonely, so here's some pseudo-philosophy washed down with an inflated sense of our own wide reading".

pretentious and proud :p

seriously that is a cynical way of looking at it and pretty cynically serious as well. maybe your perception would be different if the title of this thread was "quotes to kill some time"?

thats the way i see it. i really dont think anyone believes they will come across the holy grail of quotes that will solve their lonliness issues.
 

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