The essence of life for a lonely man

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PivotPoint

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Nov 7, 2009
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First of all - I am a new member at this board. I have few times before read some threads and it inspired me to register. English isn't my first language so there are and will be some grammar errors in my texts. For a start I would like to share my story and because I didn't find any suitable thread, I decided to start a new one.

Something about my background. I am a male on my mid-20's and living abroad at the moment. More or less I have felt myself lonely nearly all my life. On the other hand it has been also concious decision. To describe my current situation I can list some non-relevant things like I am a statistically very successful student with a clear career plan. All "the side features" of my life are on the track - so nothing to blame on those.

I have people that I consider as my friends and then there are people that are (as far as I can tell) me as their friend. The last mentioned group consists of people that being my friend gives them a somekind advantage on certain things that are not so important to be mentioned. Also my "real friends" (what an absurd expression) are as good friends as anyone can expect - so the issue isn't mostly here. It is (or used to be) in lack of romantic relationships with opposite gender because I have never had these. Ofcourse this brings up the general question - what is wrong. There is an abnormality on my appearance - one of my facial cranial nerves is partly dysfunctional. I am satisfied on my looks and it hasn't totally blocked social/sexual interactions with opposite gender. So it hasn't totally blocked my social life but it is most definitely limitation if you want to put up some statistics of it. But the main problem nowadays isn't around previously mentioned issues. "The problem" is how I perceive and interpret this world and its people. Or more specifically in the dissonance between the view of mine and the majority of people that I have interacted with.

Superficially I am quite normal bloke. My activity level is high - because I love sports especially football (or soccer as it is recognised in North America) and enjoy about running and gym training. These things give me an enormous amount of energy and keep my mind on balance - that's why I am also working in that field now and in future. Another passion in my is exploring the historical, cultural, and sociological history of our civilization. I wouldn't call myself religious, more like spiritual because I don't support any more religious institutions for certain reasons. This is why I love to read books, watch more alternative type of films and documents, and also certain carefully chosen music makes my day - everyday.

For the past year, I have started to have even more dominant spiritual view (or however everyone wants to categorize it) of living. That doesn't mean that I would have given up of all my living habits or routines. No, but undoubtly it has had a radical change on my living. So often nowadays I feel even more annoyed in many social situations but I hide it because it isn't my duty to start judge others lives'. But it had made me feeling more lonely. For some friends I have slightly opened up my current views and feelings. And guess what - the conversation doesn't take a spark at all. It is slightly hard to start a conversation about e.g. exopolitics if the other person a) hasn't ever read any book b) doesn't watch documents c) or isn't just generally interested about the world itself.

If 90% of people that I know get their meaning for the life from alcohol, loose relationships, hanging out without doing anything, and hating their routines and studies/jobs, it has a quite dissonance compared to my interests. I want to discuss about russian literature or Eastern poetry, I want to share all the beautiful sights that I see around me (sunrise on a chilly spring morning), I like to hike on mountains, I want to lost my sense of time when discussing about philosophical, psychological, or sociological issues of/in the world, or discuss is the love made by us or living through us. My initiative is not to categorize people to the right way or the wrong way of living -groups by my previous examples from life. No, I am not more or less valid person than anyone else - I just wanted to share an insight into my emotional experiences how I saw things. Because I still believe that the most important thing in life is to feel living meaningful and be satisfied or even happy to it. And this is regardless who you are or what you like or do.

To wrap this up someway... So I feel most of the time very excited and ambitious of life. I just do not have friends or partner with whom I could share these things genuinely without comments like: "Man, don't take life too seriously". Yes, there it is, I am not stressed about life, I am grateful but should I shout it alone in my room to the walls. In that way I am just like many of us, that I like dancing and wine and succeeding but those are not the essence of my life. The essence is learning. So this was short description of my own expedition - just quite lonely one.
 
"The essence is learning."
i think that's the only possible essence there can be in life. so i agree with you quite a bit there.

i do think thought that in a way, there are no clear easy advice for your situation. i don't think there IS anything wrong with you, or with the things you want and need. i guess it's just a matter of time until you meet the right person that appreciated the same things as you do. it's just not very easy. as you said so well yourself - it's a matter of choice, largely, and if you do not want something casual and silly - it becomes very very hard.

best of luck dear. thanks for the well written and interesting post, and i hope you will find people with similar views.

oh, and as to russian literature and music - i'm a barbarian, lol, and even though i do know the language, i do not read the russian classics, or in fact listen to as much music as i would like. nonetheless, if you wish - you are always welcome to get me into lengthy conversations about anything from music to books.

shade.
 
There seems to be something slightly paradoxical in your thinking:

"If 90% of people that I know get their meaning for the life from alcohol" BUT "I am not more or less valid person than anyone else". So, everyone leads equally meaningful lives, only some lives are more meaningful than others?

If your friends make you feel lonely, then what is the point in being friends with them? Join a book club if you want to discuss Russian literature: that's what they were started for.
 
Thanks for your replies. Little_buddha brought up an interesting point about my approach. At the moment it's hard to find something paradoxical or dissonance between the quoted sentences. I truly do not think that alcohol or it's use as an excessive substance, would itself point out some lack of validity in the life. Most of those people who enjoy using it, seems to be also mainly happy on their lives. I don't just feel the conncetion to them, that's all. So again - I am not more or less valid person than anyone else.

So why these people are my friends? Probably because there has been a moment or a situation where we have had something in common where to start from. These real friends are honest, kind and generally nice people but the values have changed quite a bit in my life and it makes things harder. The world or it's people doesn't have to change, I just express how I feel about my own life in it and I have felt lonely. In the past, I have attended few meetings of the university's book club - wasn't right place for me. And that is just a single part of my interest spectrum. I tried to express the importance of more holistic view via the examples. If somebody doesn't like some literature or sports, it would not possibly eliminate my interest towards a person. It's just more about the approach than single interests...

Sorry, this was a messy post. It's just hard to rationalise this thing right now.
 
hi there...

I was taught that to every success, there is a sacrifice. And that there is no success without suffering. But why is it that some people are suffering without becoming successful while others are successful without suffering? With little or no effort, this man gets amazing result, but the other man will toil for years, exert a big effort,yet failure; frustration; poverty stares him in the face. Sometimes the righteous get the punishment of the wicked and the wicked get the reward of the righteous. Some people sow while others reap. It is not possible to get something for nothing. There is no such thing as a free lunch. There must be a sowing before a reaping. So everything that is been enjoyed today, must have been sown in the time past.
 
taking the path less traveled does have its disadvantages as less people will be on that path.

it doesn't mean you're alone though, it just means you got look harder to find those companions with similar interests! clubs are a good way to narrow your search, or even some college courses of your interest.
 

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