x moonlit rage x
Member
- Joined
- Nov 21, 2009
- Messages
- 6
- Reaction score
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so my therapist says im a normal kid. im just under alot of stress from some unexpected changes in my life. she says i need to find an outlet, that i should focus on the task at hand and stop worrying all the time. my therapist is a cool chick, i trust her to give me good advice. but sometimes i feel like she barely even knows me. after 2 years, she still hasnt even scratched the surface. i feel like no one in my life has ever known the real me.
im a mystery. everytime something goes wrong or even when things go well, i withdraw immediately. i slink away and disappear from that person for months. i have this habit of disappearing. ive mastered the process of being annonymous.
i change my phone numbers religously every 3 months, never invite anyone to my house, do all my shopping online, and always use a fake name. theres a few more tips, but theyre not for amatures.
ive built this wall around myself over the years. sometimes i feel like i can be normal but its only a matter of time... i vanish and its as if i never existed. i guess you could say im forgettable.
after a slew of shitty relationships, ive completely detached myself from society. emotionally unavailable.
my ex, ive known him since i was 16. weve been married for 3 years. now he wants a divorce. i found out hes had a mistress for over a year. i have tried everything i can do just to keep him, but even when he says his heart belongs to me, i still find these erotic emails from her. he said he was ready to be a man, that he was over her. but a few months ago, he accidentally sent me a text message that was intended for 'her'. now i know that he was never planning on being entirely mine, he only learned how to hide it better.
so here i am, devasted again. feeling as if my love life reflects the darkness that is my soul. sometimes i think this love crap must be karma coming back to bite me in the ass. ive only had 3 major relationships in my life time. all of which ended in brutality and then i vanished.
i dwell on this all day long. i stay awake at night thinking about what couldve been. i watch the sunrise as im wondering why im still alone. all these ******** that hurt me have girlfriends now, theyre happy and im damaged.
im trying to make an effort to feel emotions again. but im just so crushed. why cant someone just love me? am i not worthy? i know im just garbage to these men. but feeling his heart beating next to mine, that would make me feel a little less invisible.
my ex boyfriend from years ago, he says i should raise the bar. maybe im just attracted to losers? he doesnt understand that i spend months weeding out the douchebags and trying to pick out someone with a future. it just seems that they have better things to do. maybe a hotter girl? im not saying im perfect. im just saying that imperfect people deserve to feel the passion too...
its not even the sex that i want. lately i feel a-sexual. completely turned off by everything. annoyed by horny guys online. i yearn for a connection. but im left with this emptiness.
will i ever know the warm feeling of love? will anyone ever stay true to me? i have all these questions but the future is so uncertain. sometimes i feel like drinking bleach and ending it. but other days, i just let the world spin by as im staring at the ceiling in bed..... waiting for the hours to tick by..... my life is just wasting away
im a mystery. everytime something goes wrong or even when things go well, i withdraw immediately. i slink away and disappear from that person for months. i have this habit of disappearing. ive mastered the process of being annonymous.
i change my phone numbers religously every 3 months, never invite anyone to my house, do all my shopping online, and always use a fake name. theres a few more tips, but theyre not for amatures.
ive built this wall around myself over the years. sometimes i feel like i can be normal but its only a matter of time... i vanish and its as if i never existed. i guess you could say im forgettable.
after a slew of shitty relationships, ive completely detached myself from society. emotionally unavailable.
my ex, ive known him since i was 16. weve been married for 3 years. now he wants a divorce. i found out hes had a mistress for over a year. i have tried everything i can do just to keep him, but even when he says his heart belongs to me, i still find these erotic emails from her. he said he was ready to be a man, that he was over her. but a few months ago, he accidentally sent me a text message that was intended for 'her'. now i know that he was never planning on being entirely mine, he only learned how to hide it better.
so here i am, devasted again. feeling as if my love life reflects the darkness that is my soul. sometimes i think this love crap must be karma coming back to bite me in the ass. ive only had 3 major relationships in my life time. all of which ended in brutality and then i vanished.
i dwell on this all day long. i stay awake at night thinking about what couldve been. i watch the sunrise as im wondering why im still alone. all these ******** that hurt me have girlfriends now, theyre happy and im damaged.
im trying to make an effort to feel emotions again. but im just so crushed. why cant someone just love me? am i not worthy? i know im just garbage to these men. but feeling his heart beating next to mine, that would make me feel a little less invisible.
my ex boyfriend from years ago, he says i should raise the bar. maybe im just attracted to losers? he doesnt understand that i spend months weeding out the douchebags and trying to pick out someone with a future. it just seems that they have better things to do. maybe a hotter girl? im not saying im perfect. im just saying that imperfect people deserve to feel the passion too...
its not even the sex that i want. lately i feel a-sexual. completely turned off by everything. annoyed by horny guys online. i yearn for a connection. but im left with this emptiness.
will i ever know the warm feeling of love? will anyone ever stay true to me? i have all these questions but the future is so uncertain. sometimes i feel like drinking bleach and ending it. but other days, i just let the world spin by as im staring at the ceiling in bed..... waiting for the hours to tick by..... my life is just wasting away