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when will i be loved?
#1
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so my therapist says im a normal kid. im just under alot of stress from some unexpected changes in my life. she says i need to find an outlet, that i should focus on the task at hand and stop worrying all the time. my therapist is a cool chick, i trust her to give me good advice. but sometimes i feel like she barely even knows me. after 2 years, she still hasnt even scratched the surface. i feel like no one in my life has ever known the real me.
im a mystery. everytime something goes wrong or even when things go well, i withdraw immediately. i slink away and disappear from that person for months. i have this habit of disappearing. ive mastered the process of being annonymous.
i change my phone numbers religously every 3 months, never invite anyone to my house, do all my shopping online, and always use a fake name. theres a few more tips, but theyre not for amatures.
ive built this wall around myself over the years. sometimes i feel like i can be normal but its only a matter of time... i vanish and its as if i never existed. i guess you could say im forgettable.
after a slew of shitty relationships, ive completely detached myself from society. emotionally unavailable.
my ex, ive known him since i was 16. weve been married for 3 years. now he wants a divorce. i found out hes had a mistress for over a year. i have tried everything i can do just to keep him, but even when he says his heart belongs to me, i still find these erotic emails from her. he said he was ready to be a man, that he was over her. but a few months ago, he accidentally sent me a text message that was intended for 'her'. now i know that he was never planning on being entirely mine, he only learned how to hide it better.
so here i am, devasted again. feeling as if my love life reflects the darkness that is my soul. sometimes i think this love crap must be karma coming back to bite me in the ass. ive only had 3 major relationships in my life time. all of which ended in brutality and then i vanished.
i dwell on this all day long. i stay awake at night thinking about what couldve been. i watch the sunrise as im wondering why im still alone. all these assholes that hurt me have girlfriends now, theyre happy and im damaged.
im trying to make an effort to feel emotions again. but im just so crushed. why cant someone just love me? am i not worthy? i know im just garbage to these men. but feeling his heart beating next to mine, that would make me feel a little less invisible.
my ex boyfriend from years ago, he says i should raise the bar. maybe im just attracted to losers? he doesnt understand that i spend months weeding out the douchebags and trying to pick out someone with a future. it just seems that they have better things to do. maybe a hotter girl? im not saying im perfect. im just saying that imperfect people deserve to feel the passion too...
its not even the sex that i want. lately i feel a-sexual. completely turned off by everything. annoyed by horny guys online. i yearn for a connection. but im left with this emptiness.
will i ever know the warm feeling of love? will anyone ever stay true to me? i have all these questions but the future is so uncertain. sometimes i feel like drinking bleach and ending it. but other days, i just let the world spin by as im staring at the ceiling in bed..... waiting for the hours to tick by..... my life is just wasting away
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#2
drinking bleach, owwie that sounds like it would hurt. I tried using tylenol. Apparrently it's not a very sure fire way to die cuz i'm still typing. Although dying is a weird feeling. I felt weak and visions was blakened.

Anyway hmm that sounds pretty shitty. Wanting to be loved so bad and always ending up getting dropped by the person. my problem is anyone who's ever loved me i ended up pushing away in the end and never letting them get really close because of not ever really being able to believe some one could actually love me. Ending it for fear that it might work out. However i'm young and my entire life is already completely screwed and over with. I just live every single day completely dead inside devoid of any true connection with anyone. being dead would be better, but i'm too much pussy to even pull that off.

so to you i'd say. at least you can be sad and feel feeling of wanting to be loved. there is always the search of finding some one new. you should read my other post on what you believe.

i mean shit i'm sitting here writing some lame response that doesn't even matter becuase i'll never even know who you are. or perhaps something even worse.

will you ever be loved. At least you had love? that's what i think of everyday i smoke cigarettes and stare at the stars trying to get the courage to kill myself becuase if i don't I'll just end up living a life of absolute unrelenting pain. Unable to take care of myself and probably ending up in some mental ward with people who's minds are even more tormented then myself.

honestly though your problem probably isn't much different then my atitude towards myself. You gotta know and feel that are for one. worth being loved. and then second you have to believe some one else out there feels the same and then third wait for it to be happen.

in the mean time at least you have been loved. i know friends who have never even shared an intimate moment with the opposite sex and who will NEVER have one. the will live alone there whole life. just recently a friend of mine told me they finnaly accepted that fact. and ya know what is funny. THEY ARE BETTER OFF THAN ME. THEY ARE HAPPY. not omg life is grand happy, but they found acceptance it doesn't bother them. meanwhile... the last relationship I was in coupled with my own problems and desire to die to begin with has fucked my life past the point of repairable return in which my only comfort to the solace of complete and utter aloneness is typing this shit now lol.

so maybe this doesn't help or make you feel better, but i hope it's a damn good distraction. Last thing anyone wants is someone telling them they don't have it that bad to make them feel better, but hey...

anyway sounds like your pretty paranoid yourself sounds pretty interesting lol. I'm actually paranoid your just so person who has it out for me and stalks me on the internet and is using this post as bait to further unravel whatever semblence of sanity i can hold on to, but per chance your actually some possibly paranoid lonley person seeking comfort maybe this will help, maybe it wont, but if you read it at least it's something to change your perception for a while.

and yeah life is fucking cruel. humans are still animals. however who knows, maybe you'll find love some day. take care...
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#3
Dear Moonlightrage,

You're ironic. You say you feel dissconnected from those around you and yet you religiously make yourself anonymous and change phone numbers all the time. With that behavior dont you think you WILL feel disconnected? I mean , i know you have OCD and whatnot but those behaviors arent going to help your OCD.

Isolation CAUSES anxiety which is a precursor to OCD behaviors...

Do you grocery shop online too? I cant really see a person doing that...but...can you? Is it possible?

*sigh* Your husband ....this is a hard situation and I feel for you. I"m sorry he cheated on you. Sad Perhaps it is time to move on, though I know that's easier said than done.

I think, in order to feel love, you have to open yourself up. And as a person who has been closed for a very long time, this might be a challenge for you. But that is indeed what you have to do. Open yourself up...and dont slam the door in someone's face unless they give you a reason to.

*hug*

-Soph
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#4
Well as far love by someone else i have never felt that during my current 27 years of life. Love for me always seems one sided for me. However its weird because I feel that i basically love everyone i come across and meet regardless of person. Not romantic love more like I guess brotherly love. I would generally go out of my way to help someone more like in though as talking to them seriously about their most important life issues at least for them. My anger for people almost always subsides regardless of peoples actions at me or around me. I think of myself as a physiological outcast myself but not in a bad way. If im such an outcast then maybe just maybe I really am 'that' different to begin with. As a guy sometimes i feel angry for people not loving me necessarily as the way i love them. Almost like people that frown upon me when im in their presence even though i really cared nothing but how to help all surrounding individuals at once. I can offer advice through talking.

I have stopped whining about not being loved and basically learned to live with it no matter how it made me feel. Trust me 27 years by your lonesome will cause you to view things in completely new ways more than expected. I dont run from my virginity's* I embrace them. More than sexual more like any form of bonding with someone even non platonic. The complete acts of love are very pleasurable physically for a short time - basically the only acts that increase dopamine levels in the brain naturally - in a way mimic the high that any substance could ever give you. You would just naturally feel good if you were with someone that loved you like you loved them. In regardless to the act of lovemaking these acts would almost always be very pleasurable at first with a new partner but would dissipate within a couple weeks much like a high from a substance initial emotional highs would always be very high at first with degrading experiences after several hundred acts. Would all eventually just become as empty as it became before unless you switched partners. Its nature though basically nature says that if two mates are not viable for reproduction after a set amount of couplings then sensation would decline severely basically the over all amount of pleasurable feeling you got from the act of love making would be almost nothing like it was when it started in the form of pure arousal.

*i basically put that word here to represent it as something that one has never experienced but also in a way that because of where i am today that perhaps i do experience things a little bit differently then most people see them. Because of my predicament of being lonely through perseverance I went into Alternative Thinking. If i dont have a mate nore is there anyone i know around me that likes me in that way at least enough to have my back then i dont really need to think about those things at the moment - if no one around me loves me then i wont really think about any of them like that then freeing allot of my thoughts up. If your not actively with anyone for along time thoughts can be used elsewhere in the form of Alternative Thinking. Would spend my spare time when I had it to meditate heavily on any subject I thought about. To put it bluntly I think ALOT more than i should have to. Perception would always be off - However the electrical activity would be higher. All I do is constantly THINK about pretty much everything and I do mean everything you could possibly think of good and bad and everything in between.

Being completely alone your entire life even though I do have some people around be mostly family that care for me - but no companion however for me doesnt necessarily have to be a mate of such more like a long lost twin. Someone very much like me regardless of any race or creed. If i never find anyone like that in my lifetime then so be it but I wont let that fact destroy me. Regardless of what your beliefs are there is a little bit of something inside of all of us that has the ability to get us out of everything no matter how traumatic. Dont prey when truly sad more like think long and hard about how important you yourself are to yourself. Suicide in vain is not a good way to go out specially at your age your body itself is worth more than that. You alive as long as possible is the best possible outcome for yourself. If you are going to die do it at 87 not in your twenties.

Of course the holidays and my birthday are all around each other so i do get sad when im alone yet again on the holidays by myself. while everyone is busy with their significant other im stuck still just standing around thinking. I would say though that if your not into active meditating you would probably would be best suited getting back with someone. Sometimes the pleasure from even false love is more bearable to most people than not having it. If you have had kids would always be tops on your list if you were still in a child bearing state or age.

I dont isolate myself i generally make myself known to people now i dont really hold much back if im trying to seriously talk to them though. I try to cram as much information into a conversation as I can. I generally act fine around most people and even the others I am fine with. I do try to communicate with the people i know around me as much as I can. I dont go out of my way to overly talk unless it is a good friend but generally i let people initiate the conversation with me first.

Overall my mood is fine just thinking and thinking of course a companion would be nice but im still currently stuck with myself atm. Im 27 and preparing for the worst but hoping for the best in terms of how lonely i feel. I completely understand the concept of pleasure but i also completely understand pain as well. My loneliness basically felt like a stint in actual hell for a year or two - basically thought that at the point im currently at hell really could be no different. But eventually got my head out of the sand started to deal with it from counseling to antidepressants and taking some time off. Overall took me probably over 3 years to get over. 3 Years of that hurt alot of friendships during those years but strangely made just as many new ones and this time with good people. Only when you are at your lowest do you truly know who your friends are. My old friends abandoned me in a way saying basically we wouldnt even visit your funeral. When your drunk hopeless and completely fed up with everything do you say bad things just rude things to say to people. Never anything too bad but things that would make them upset of course. So what I did was stopped drinking going to the counseling sessions and taking the medications - ultimately it all helped but all was based on the strength of my own inner self. I didnt have that person close to me to help me through any of it not even a higher power until well i found myself again.

So Im 27 and well still alone what should I do? I guess experience the current relationships i currently have and continue to make people try to think with myself. To live completely alone forever - scary concept but imo completely survivable.

People would say you might as well end it your missing out on the best things of life. Sex = The most intense amount of natural pleasure humans physiology could produce - Yes i understand if feels great probably greater than any drug when done properly - I know what makes it feel so great - there really is no other feeling other than that peoples purposes in life would be felt complete but only for a quick moment. The highest point of sexual interactions only lasts for about several seconds before it went away. Or instead of that feeling I would basically just continue going forward with my life in the process in fact the only thing i could do.

The one biggest thing for me is that even though i dont have sex my testosterone just feels too high for me. I do lust alot for females like almost just approaching them for social interaction but hold back because i understand they arent interested in that type of communication with me. I just always feel like I want to take an aggressive action in any situation its strange i have many other overly wild aggressive almost like animalistic thoughts/ideas but all i ever do with them is just analyze and remember them. I have thought of so many things I would like to be able to share them with people. I really dont care who or what you are as an individual as long as I could have your ear. We cant all be 'winners' like some. I would actually get just as much of a rush more than anything when I am able to temporarily flip a persons perceptive. Instead of any form of love I simply do other things to keep myself occupied.

To tell you the truth as optimistic as some around me even myself at times may be me not ever being lonely in my lifetime could have the chance for being very slim. I am an odd person almost too odd i think to get with an average person that wasnt as odd as me as well. Of course anything is possible and i will continue to interact with as many people and even potential companions as I can on any level they will allow me in the meantime. I have it written all over my face at this stage in my life that in fact that im very lonely. In this respect I think people ultimately know then what I would want most its just that none of the people i know would be able to give that to me. All the people i know have companions even the ones that dont get so well along at least their together and thats what counts. 27 year old lonely man would basicly be off limits for anyone you might perceive as a companion. Really gets harder at this age if you have never been with someone will basically be stuck there not only by yourself but also the persons you might see as companions. A person might say to you yeah you will find someone to your face but in their mind they are thinking basically anyone else but myself please. Being nice or understanding really has no bearing against how you are precieved by your peers. The virgin stigma attaching of words if it is applicable to yourself (any 25 or older virgin male) would almost be a death sentance to your reproductive organs. People after a short time of exposure will lable you a non mate. Even if both physicly capable would never occur if that thought was in any of the one persons mind. It is a scary thought but in essence there would be really no one really capable at least any human female to essentaily be able to love me like that there would just be too many physcological blocks in place of this idea. For some If not sexualy active buy a certain age in a way dertimines if in fact you will even have the chance of even doing it during your life. I would say that sex for the average person is truely a matter of life and death of course they would never say it. I mean ultimatly for some what else is there to live for that wouldnt give you as much pleasure as that to releave yourself. people that regularly have normal sex dont get derpressed. The act of it essentaily would be like taking an anti depresent for all the bad things that happened that day. The harsh truth is all this is is nature at work. Nature will punish you severaly for not having sex by a certain age in the form of severe emotional distress.

Love and the act of it is for most the only reason they are here for ultimatly. I on the other hand have to deal with all the other thoughts and dieas that people forget to think about that lead up to it.
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#5
Moonlight Rage... I, too, do things like change phone numbers, never invite people around, and ruminate the "why's" and the "wherefore's" of life that is spent in my own company.

I do know why though... It is safe... Here, behind these walls, no one can hurt you, but neither can anyone touch you - touch your heart.

It always fascinates me that we blame ourselves for the misdeeds of others. That it is people like us that love so intensely, and with such passion and fire, that it melts our whole world. The reality is that we all climb aboard life's rollercoaster at birth, and we remain on it until the ride ends. Some, like you and I, close our eyes and block our ears from the horror of it all, but then we miss the thrill of the ride. With our senses blocked at the first, or second, or third, or fourth, or whatever unpleasantness that leaps into view on the ride, we fail to take a chance that the next part of the ride might just be the most fun of all. The misdeeds perpetrated against us are just that, done against us. It was nothing we did.

If you were in a bank that was being robbed, and a bandit took a pot-shot at you, you would not blame yourself for the attempt on your life would you? You would leave the blame where it lies, with the bandit. Yet people you think care about you and who hurt you seem to get off scot free...

You matter... Maybe not to you at times... But you do matter... You need to matter to yourself too... When you write about "I" it ought to be "I" not "i" Those little bitty i's say you are talking about a little bitty you. Whatever it is that keeps us in the chains that hold us, we - none of us - are little bitty. Many of us grow larger by the day while we are busy trying hard to be small...
"And I, like a Carrion Crowe, feast upon the remains of the day"
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#6
to moon lit rage
when i read what you type it sounds like i wrote it...only difference is i would never write those things in public... but we certainly have a similar life it seems.
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