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Divorce Support?
#1
Just wanting to connect with others who have been through this hell.

My situation - caught him cheating on me and threw him out. Now we're divorcing and he acts like this is some mutual decision we came to and has nothing to do with the fact that he's screwing some college kid. Really hard on me because up until then he was my best friend (really, my only close friend). My brain can't wrap around the idea that my best friend for over a decade is now hurting me more than any single person ever has before.

Feel free to share your own tale of woo, or feed me a little pity to help me get back on my feet. For some reason I'm feeling really low about this right now.
"They pretend they're going to always be there for you, and then one day they pack up and move away and take their love with them, and leave their declawed cat to fend for herself. They leave her, wondering what she did wrong." - Mittens

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#2
I'm sorry you're going through it...it's can be very stressful.
Please try to be gental to yourself through this process.
Please try not to abuse drugs or alcohol during this process,
it will only make you feel worst and more depressed. It won't
solve anything.

You can give yourself a break or time out.
Everyone copes or react differently

It's okay to hurt. It's okay to cry. It's okay to feel angery. It's okay to talk about it.
Try to be around people...family and friends if they're avaliable. You can try to stay bussy...
but never the less please don't runaway from this process or denial it.

wow...my divorce?
I was devestated. It wasn't my decision. It left me feeling even more
fuastrated and angery becuase I was never given a chioce in the matter.
I felt like life, everyhting and everybody was ripping her away from me ..from the moment I married her...
I love her very much. The mistakes I did was...I checked the Fucked out.
I didn't know how to stop loving her and I still love her very much today.
I couldn't wrap my head or mind it. Everyone was tell'in me to stop loving
her...Yet all of my life I've been told Loving someone was the most important thing.
Love is gives life meaning and purpose.

I didn't started drinking heavily until after my diviorce.
I didn't started hanging out in bars or having one night stands until
after my divorce. I had plenty of beautiful women that came into
my life after my divorce. It was really wierd...Most of the women
I met wanted to take me home or did take me home with them trying
to FIX me or love me back to life. No amount of money, drugs or sex
took away my pains. I didn't know how to stop loving her. I tried stopping
loving her...It didn't work. All that happened was..I pretend to be happy
in front of people. I party all the time to numb myself of the pains.
I worked all the time to escape so I didn't have to think about her.
I didn't cared if I lived or died anymore. I had a hard time forming relationships with other women...
becuase I didn't want other women.
I love her. I lived that crazy party hardie, rock til you drop, bad boy,
women throwing themselve at me for 3 years after my divorce..
On the surface people thought I had me shit together becuase i had
money to throw around and a I don't a fuck (careless) attitude.
Inside...I felt hurted , lonely and devestated.

It wasn't that I didn't know other women would come into my life....
I just thought it was fucken retarded that I had to stop loving her.
Yeah...kind of like it wasn't a mutaul agreement with me..( like you)
Well...that was 20 years ago....
Our married only lasted 2 years, but it was the love that I have for her.
I havn't re-married becuase I don't want to be married or get married to anyone else.

I went through 2 long terms relationship after that...
The first one lasted 5-6 years. I totally fucked that up. I was still very much
in love with my ex-wf. My gf knew it, felt it. She pretty much left me becuase of it.

The second relationship lasted 12 years..Well, my ex-gf knew that i was still very much
in love with my ex-wf too. It was a subject matter we didn't want to talk about.
My gf had crazy jealousy issues becuase of it or it was a thorn in that relationship.
I tried moving on with my life of course...but the fact remains the love I have for ex-wf
was still there in the background.
She cheated on me....so I have experince in that too.

well...My ex-wf calls me almost everyday now and tells me that she loves me.
It's kind of weird...It's has given me a lot of peace in my heart. Just knowing that she loves
me inspite of everything and after all these years. Just me being able to tell her that
I love her very much has ease my pains. It's still not easy living without her.

I don't know if there's a heaven, life after death or life after death...
I'm just grateful she and I are able to let each other know we love each other and made
peace in our lives in this life time....I had a say so or a chioce in this matter.

well...ya probably won't wanna take advice from me nor i don't make a very good divorce
conselor..lol
You asked my experince...that was my experince..
And the way I feel at the moment is that I still love my ex-wf very much..that's pretty deep stuff..
and for me to try to form another relationship with another woman would be pretty damn shallow of me or
I don't think I can love another woman as much I love my ex-wf..

I can go talk to a shrink about and try to psycho anylize my head. Yes, yes life gose on....
Never the less my heart tells me what it tells me..
People say...follow your heart.lol So.....there i go.lol
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#3
I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

Maybe it isn't so strange that he acts like it was a mutual decision though more frequently the cheater tries to rationalize it into being all your fault. Generally they are great at blaming their actions on other people, and justifying everything.

It is a real roller coaster ride so you will most likely feel pretty low at times. It can be quite an adjustment but things will level out. I am sorry that you are going through this.
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#4
coricopat, I'm so proud of you for divorcing him and not allowing him the chance to hurt you again. Even though it is taking a toll on your heart and mind right now, I know that you can pull through this. However, you need to focus on yourself right now and try to heal.

Don't let yourself shrink into the background and let him make you believe any of this was your fault. NONE of this is your fault. It is HIS. You gave your heart, love, and faith - trusting that he wouldn't break that bond. He crossed the line.

My father cheated on my mom, several times. Once while she was in the hospital, having surgery. My mother had a beautiful soul and never deserved any of the things he put her through. Now that I am old enough to understand what went on while I was younger, I am ashamed to be his daughter.
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#5
Thanks folks,

I'm handling it pretty well I think. I'm still angry, but I doubt that will ever go away. It's a real mindfuck, but I'm starting to be able to think things through. Like I'm realizing that for a while now, while he talked a good game, I can't recall anything he actually DID that was responsible, mature, or even really what I would call good. And he made me feel like my illness was the biggest burden a person could bear. Now that I'm with my folks, who work way more than my ex does and have ZERO problems dealing with my illness, I'm beginning to realize that my ex was just a wuss.
"They pretend they're going to always be there for you, and then one day they pack up and move away and take their love with them, and leave their declawed cat to fend for herself. They leave her, wondering what she did wrong." - Mittens

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#6
(11-24-2009, 07:50 PM)coricopat Wrote: Just wanting to connect with others who have been through this hell.

My situation - caught him cheating on me and threw him out. Now we're divorcing and he acts like this is some mutual decision we came to and has nothing to do with the fact that he's screwing some college kid. Really hard on me because up until then he was my best friend (really, my only close friend). My brain can't wrap around the idea that my best friend for over a decade is now hurting me more than any single person ever has before.

Feel free to share your own tale of woo, or feed me a little pity to help me get back on my feet. For some reason I'm feeling really low about this right now.

Your situation sounds similar to a lot of other relationships i have been around in my life. I think most people stay together way too long in relationships more so that the fear of being alone is ultimately still worse than being with someone no matter how bad it is. You cant have your cake and eat it to. Two people should know when the relationship isnt what it once was and be able to stand up and talk about maybe just seeing other people. Of course seems like for average people in relationships so many times leads to people just going out on their spouses looking for someone else that can spice up their life again even romantically.

When the intimacy begins to just become overly mechanical and people stop getting the pure sensual pleasure out of it will naturally just start looking for other viable mates. People dont like to say these things especially if the intimacy behind closed doors isnt what it used to be. Seems like people even continue to force themselves to still make love with each other even though they dont love each other anymore anyway. Arousal is everything when two people are intiment but usually is never talked about between two people i think its just assumed the fact that you are making some sort of intament action is it by itself enough regardless of what you feel after.

Generally seems people put any relationship whatsoever over no relationship but also generally the quality of it comes into play after. People are to into themselves sometimes thinking that they will be with their spouse for ever regardless of what happens. Him cheating on you was probably perfectly normal in the forms of a biological standpoint so i wouldnt get to worked up. Ultimately it should have been on both of you to make a change in separating from each other before any cheating act ever came into play. Unfortunately if the relationship is in ruins and both people are unwilling to seriously talk about it will it almost always lead to one spouse cheating in some way almost every time. People stay in a relationship to not be alone which is unbearable for them but also a bad relationship would also include bad intament relations which would also be acted upon eventually as well in the form of you partner just looking for someone else. Non arousing sex is just as bad for people as not having it i think. Of course i think for most people the illusion of a very sensuously rewarding copulative act will almost always be felt with a new partner by default. Your husband would have probably have gotten off to having sex with almost any new partner that wasnt yourself.

People in a dying relationship need to just step up and talk about it and deal with it as adults. Just because you are still lusting for love and you cant find it in your current relationship anymore isnt an excuse to go out and copulate with the next person who liked you like that. I dont understand why people get so shocked and such when people cheat on each other. Ultimately its as strong a biological urge that people have as what got them in their current relationship that they are currently cheating with. The intimacy becomes a shell of what it once was between two people i would say the person would actually be crazy for not going and cheating simply because the biological urges they felt to be aroused again at a high peak would be uncontrollable after a while.

Your expecting your ex to deny what he is a living breathing human. With all the same urges of close intimacy as everyone else. I would say if your husband didnt do what he did perhaps something was wrong with him. Im not justifying what he did to you but you should have seen it coming from a mile away. His new relationship probably wont last long but for some reason even being with this college girl was more pleasurable than being with you as it was during the end days of your relationship with him.

Cheating and lying in relationships is probably on average more common than the statistics show and even they are high. I think for people who naturally arent getting the full arousal out of their current copulative partner will almost 100% of the time begin looking for one with someone else. Ultimately its just a natural desire that all people have one that i dont know why is ultimately frowned upon by society when it seems like everyone and their mom cheats these days. Nature made humans to be naturally promiscuous with multiple partners in their lifetime. I dont think people naturally desire to be with the same partner their entire lives even though society says relationships that last forever are good. Eventually all natural relationships always will eventually loose their spark sometime down the road. Seems like when this happens though people revert to like thinking of a 16 year old high school kid and go back to doing desperate acts like cheating and such. Ultimately people are answering only to their biological desires and really have very little control over it. No one thinks with their genitals first more or less what their mind overall feels. Healthy intimacy is always better for the mind even if it is someone one is currently cheating with.
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#7
(11-24-2009, 07:50 PM)coricopat Wrote: Just wanting to connect with others who have been through this hell.

My husband left me for a homewrecking whore soulmate because I couldn't meet his emotional needs (according to him). As near as I can tell, "meeting" his "emotional needs" boiled down to whether ot not I stayed up to greet him with a welcome home blowjob when he came home at 4 in the morning from a gig.

*cough*

So, anyway. I was upset and pissed for a long time because he wouldn't even try to make the effort to work on the marriage. When I finally reconciled myself to the end, all of a sudden, he's sulky and pissy and walking around as if he were the injured party in this scenario. He's still doing that, 3 1/2 years later.

THAT? Pisses me right the fuck off.
  • I never wanted this divorce.
  • I did not cheat on him. Ever.
  • I didn't nag him or harangue him to death about stuff.
  • I didn't treat him like a retarded kid, which is the way I see some acquaintances treat their husbands.
  • I let him be about his hobbies because after all, I was his wife, not his fucking MOM. Plus, I like to have my own alone-time, so why begrudge him his?

Yeah, I have my issues, mostly dealing with how I express my emotions, and the deal with my chronic depression which only got worse after our son died. I never said that being married to me was a picnic, but I was not the heartless harpy he tried to make me out to be.


But now? He's giving me attitude and being all pissy over "this sad, sad situation?"

What galls me most of all is that he's told our kids that "Mommy and Daddy are getting a divorce because we couldn't get along."

Total bullshit. We're getting a goddamn divorce because:
  1. he couldn't not be the same selfish asshole he's been all his life and think of someone else's needs for a while and
  2. he couldn't handle weathering a relationship during its rough patches and opted for the easy way out with a goddamn whore who's got two rotten-brat kids by two different deadbeat Babydaddies.



*sigh*

Wow. It felt really good getting all of that out. Finally. Sorry if I spilled a little bile on ya.
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#8
@cheaptrickfan - You go girl. It does help to get it all out, so spill away. I see you also got the 'poor me' treatment. That's what really pisses me off. He tells everyone how he's just SO concerned about everything and wants me to be ok, yet once he's away from people he turns into a total asshole. I'm reading a book now that explains a lot of his behavior, so at least I can get a grip on what's going on with him. I'm still pissed, but I don't have that 'just had the rug pulled out from under me' sensation anymore.



@eleven - You're making an awful damn lot of assumptions, almost all of which are flat out wrong, about what my marriage was like and what my sex life was like. You sound like you're talking about a completely different post.
"They pretend they're going to always be there for you, and then one day they pack up and move away and take their love with them, and leave their declawed cat to fend for herself. They leave her, wondering what she did wrong." - Mittens

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#9
Eleven, your opinion concerning cheating disturbs me.

Cheating is never acceptable in a monogamous relationship. It's called being a coward and stringing someone along for your own greedy desires. When you marry someone, monogamously, you are committing yourself to that person. If an individual feels that they can no longer continue the union, then they should at least respect that person enough to communicate with them and say that they wish to split.

Furthermore, something called STD's (Sexually Transmitted Diseases) is out there. Therefore, someone can't just go around bedding everyone as they see fit ("natural BS", or not), ESPECIALLY if they are in a relationship. Even with proper protection (condoms), there are some STD's that you can still contract from sexual partners. How dare someone who is in a committed relationship, cheat on their partner, and then put that partner at risk for getting a sexual disease just because they "couldn't control their pants from -naturally- coming off".

When you are in a relationship, you trust that your partner won't be reckless with your heart, health, and well-being in general. Someone who doesn't have the maturity to communicate with their partner that they are no longer being satisfied in certain areas - has no business being in a relationship. Even in polygamous relationships, communication and honesty is a MUST. Someone who doesn't seek a relationship, but only has sexual intentions should say so before a relationship is even established.

coricopat: I am sorry I thread-jacked. Sad

It upsets me how cheaters are treated like "victims" that simply can't control themselves due to "natural urges". It's like saying murderers are victims that can't control themselves because they are in a "natural" fit of rage when they decided to stab someone to death. Does that make the murder justified? No, it should not.
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#10
(12-02-2009, 02:42 PM)coricopat Wrote: @cheaptrickfan - You go girl. It does help to get it all out, so spill away. I see you also got the 'poor me' treatment. That's what really pisses me off. He tells everyone how he's just SO concerned about everything and wants me to be ok, yet once he's away from people he turns into a total asshole. I'm reading a book now that explains a lot of his behavior, so at least I can get a grip on what's going on with him. I'm still pissed, but I don't have that 'just had the rug pulled out from under me' sensation anymore.

Yes, it is unbearable, the "poor me" business; how he's trying on the "brave single dad" mask as if he were a fucking widower instead of an adulterous bastard; how he tries to go above and beyond in "helping" me so that to the world he still appears like the Great Guy(!!) he's told everyone he is.

For the sake of the kids we've been doing a 50/50 split joint custody, but the only person who's truly benefiting from that is him.

Some days I get so angry that I literally tremble with rage, even now, 3 1/2 years down the road.

Could you tell me the name of the book you are reading? It might help me gain some badly-needed perspective.


(12-02-2009, 03:19 PM)shells Wrote: It upsets me how cheaters are treated like "victims" that simply can't control themselves due to "natural urges".

This? Couldn't agree with you more. Sure, humans are animals, but we've moved a long, long way from being ruled by our baser instincts, and anytime I hear someone trying to justify shitty behavior on "natural urges" I see red. Almost literally.
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