it's funny....

when i had just broken up with my ex who was cheating on me, everyone would say "don't worry. you are a great guy. i'm sure you'll find someone in no time".

after 4 months had gone by without even going on a real date, i would openly gripe about my lack of success, and those same people would say things like "well it's only been a few months. as soon as you stop trying so hard you'll find someone..."

after one year, the responses would be a little more terse. "you need to stop worrying about it...." "you'll never find anyone if you keep looking so hard."

we're on year two, and now people just pretend not to hear me when i mention it.

everyone loves a story with a happy ending. no one wants to be part of a sad story, even indirectly.

Hi "it's funny!" You're quite perceptive in people's responses to situations. I went through a similar situation where my husband cheated on me . . . happens all too often it seems. We had dated since high school, through college (long distance at that!) then after six years of marriage he started seeing a girl who had just graduated from law school. Really does something for the ego; even though I have a master's degree it would have been easier to take if it had been a waitress or something!! It's been years now; I'm remarried going on two years. But was single for 6 years before that all happened. I guess to some degree it's making the most of life where you're at, huh? It's good to know there are other people who go through the same things with some degree of sanity left ; ) I still struggle with that "monkey on my back" so to speak and probably still working through "stuff." All in all, I think good friends are the most important folks to keep around though waving a magic wand doesn't make all that happen so easily either. "Here's to knowing how life turns out in ways you didn't intend despite how hard you may have tried. Meantime, may you have many friends and many fun times that make the days worth their while. . . Cheers!"

poidog said:

when i had just broken up with my ex who was cheating on me, everyone would say "don't worry.  you are a great guy.  i'm sure you'll find someone in no time".  

after 4 months had gone by without even going on a real date, i would openly gripe about my lack of success, and those same people would say things like "well it's only been a few months.  as soon as you stop trying so hard you'll find someone..."

after one year, the responses would be a little more terse.  "you need to stop worrying about it...."  "you'll never find anyone if you keep looking so hard."

we're on year two, and now people just pretend not to hear me when i mention it.

everyone loves a story with a happy ending.  no one wants to be part of a sad story, even indirectly.

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Perhaps people have stopped replying because they realize that what they were saying was not doing anything for you.  You said you kept complaining and bringing it up over and over again.  Well, there are only a few things people can really say when you are single and not having much luck.  They can offer platitudes and encouragement.  After offering those to you over and over, you still continued to say the same things.  Obviously what they were saying was not affecting you, and they probably couldn't think of anything else to say.  I wouldn't look at this as people treating you badly or disrespecting you.  Just think of it this way:  they have tried to offer you encouragement over and over again, it didn't help, and now they can't think of anything else that could help you.  Of course they're going to ignore you when you bring the subject up again.  Neither you nor they are getting anything out of those conversations, so why keep repeating them?  No doubt the people on the other end of the conversation are just as frustrated as you.

These people probably care about you.  Perhaps they are your friends or your family.  Try to look on the bright side and see that having people that you can talk to is a good thing, even if the talking doesn't amount to anything.

I love that . . . people you "can talk to is a good thing, even if the talking doesn't amount to anything." Funny, funny.

Elaeagnus said:

Perhaps people have stopped replying because they realize that what they were saying was not doing anything for you.  You said you kept complaining and bringing it up over and over again.  Well, there are only a few things people can really say when you are single and not having much luck.  They can offer platitudes and encouragement.  After offering those to you over and over, you still continued to say the same things.  Obviously what they were saying was not affecting you, and they probably couldn't think of anything else to say.  I wouldn't look at this as people treating you badly or disrespecting you.  Just think of it this way:  they have tried to offer you encouragement over and over again, it didn't help, and now they can't think of anything else that could help you.  Of course they're going to ignore you when you bring the subject up again.  Neither you nor they are getting anything out of those conversations, so why keep repeating them?  No doubt the people on the other end of the conversation are just as frustrated as you.

These people probably care about you.  Perhaps they are your friends or your family.  Try to look on the bright side and see that having people that you can talk to is a good thing, even if the talking doesn't amount to anything.

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let me get one thing straight - i never said that i "kept complaining" or that i brought it up over and over again. but regardless, you missed the point of my post. what i was talking about was how people are quick to be supportive when things aren't so heavy. but when things get a little more serious and they can't get by with just a quick "keep your chin up" anymore, they pretend that they don't hear you or they just rather not know. the funny thing is that nothing seems to stop them from talking about their relationships or their marriages or anything that a lonely person really doesn't need to hear about so often. it's ok for them to gripe about how "bob goes to bed so much earlier than me so we don't make love as often as i'd like", but when i reply with "I miss having someone to sleep next to" all of a sudden the conversation dies.

for those who are quick to lecture, it isn't that i'm moping around going "woe is me, i'm still single wah wah wah." sorry if you took my post that way - i'll be more specific next time. when i first became single, of course i was in a state of shock and i couldn't help but talk about it with those who are close to me. that's when people would say stuff like "don't worry, you'll find someone else in no time" or "i have a friend that went through the same thing and he actually found his wife to be within X months" or something like that. now that time has gone by, its more like i'll be at work and i'll look up at the calendar and realize that another six months or so has gone by and i still have yet to be on a real date (i've been on a few fake ones with girl i went to college with who pretended to be single, but turns out she was just looking for an escape from her semi-serious relationship with some guy). i'll be at lunch that day with a friend and i'll say something like "do you know it's been two years since i've been single, and i still haven't even come close to finding someone?", with the usual response being "stop worrying about it" or no response at all. I'm not looking for anything but a "darn, sorry to hear that. how are you holding up?" or something similar. an opportunity to talk about how i'm feeling a little bit. but when they pretend like they don't hear you or when they tell you to "not worry about it" it feels like they really don't want to hear anymore about it. these kinds of things are very sensitive to a person going through this, and its hard to talk about it without some kind of reassurance that the listener really is ok with hearing you out. when people respond with silence or with a dismissive comment (or a lecture like Elaeagnus's above) it feels like they are telling you to shut the hell up and stop raining on their parade. i mean, that is their right. but being more supportive is the least they could do if they are going to talk about their relationship "problems" and whatever's going on in their happy lives.

I know that i'm not the only one who has to deal with this kind of thing. even if we aren't "getting anything out of those conversations".

Karen said:

Hi "it's funny!"  You're quite perceptive in people's responses to situations.  I went through a similar situation where my husband cheated on me . . . happens all too often it seems.  We had dated since high school, through college (long distance at that!)  then after  six years of marriage he started seeing a girl who had just graduated from law school.  Really does something for the ego; even though I have a master's degree it would have been easier to take if it had been a waitress or something!!  It's been years now; I'm remarried going on two years.  But was single for 6 years before that all happened.  I guess to some degree it's making the most of life where you're at, huh?  It's good to know there are other people who go through the same things with some degree of sanity left ; )  I still struggle with that "monkey on my back" so to speak and probably still working through "stuff."  All in all, I think good friends are the most important folks to keep around though waving a magic wand doesn't make all that happen so easily either.   "Here's to knowing how life turns out in ways you didn't intend despite how hard you may have tried.  Meantime, may you have many friends and many fun times that make the days worth their while. . . Cheers!"

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thanks for the reply. that's the kind of empathy that someone feeling what i'm feeling needs every once in a while.

poidog-
I'm sorry if you took offense to my post.  Let me clarify a few things though.

First, the definition of gripe is "to complain constantly or naggingly", so when you used the word gripe in your initital post, that's what I thought you were doing.  Your second post clarifies that you were just bringing this up every now and then, and not constantly.  However, I'm sure you can understand why I interpreted what you wrote the way I did.

Second, I was not trying to lecture you.  I thought that you were upset that your friends and family only wanted to talk to you when things were good.  I was suggesting that the reason this is so is because they have no way to help you and their encouragements didn't work.  As such, they were ignoring you because they were probably feeling uncomfortable and frustrated.

Again, I apologize if I offended you in any way.  When you add a post, people are going to post a reply, including their opinions, in many cases.  I get the feeling from your initial post and your follow-ups that you would prefer someone to commiserate with, rather than other views or opinions.  That's fine.  Sometimes we all want someone who says they understand and nothing more.

At any rate, if that's what you're looking for here, I won't try to offer you any different opinions (I'm sure you'll be glad; I know I can be quite chatty ).  Good luck!  

poidog said:

let me get one thing straight - i never said that i "kept complaining" or that i brought it up over and over again.  but regardless, you missed the point of my post.  what i was talking about was how people are quick to be supportive when things aren't so heavy.  but when things get a little more serious and they can't get by with just a quick "keep your chin up" anymore, they pretend that they don't hear you or they just rather not know.  the funny thing is that nothing seems to stop them from talking about their relationships or their marriages or anything that a lonely person really doesn't need to hear about so often.  it's ok for them to gripe about how "bob goes to bed so much earlier than me so we don't make love as often as i'd like", but when i reply with "I miss having someone to sleep next to" all of a sudden the conversation dies.

for those who are quick to lecture, it isn't that i'm moping around going "woe is me, i'm still single wah wah wah."  sorry if you took my post that way - i'll be more specific next time.  when i first became single, of course i was in a state of shock and i couldn't help but talk about it with those who are close to me.  that's when people would say stuff like "don't worry, you'll find someone else in no time" or "i have a friend that went through the same thing and he actually found his wife to be within X months" or something like that.  now that time has gone by, its more like i'll be at work and i'll look up at the calendar and realize that another six months or so has gone by and i still have yet to be on a real date (i've been on a few fake ones with girl i went to college with who pretended to be single, but turns out she was just looking for an escape from her semi-serious relationship with some guy).  i'll be at lunch that day with a friend and i'll say something like "do you know it's been two years since i've been single, and i still haven't even come close to finding someone?", with the usual response being "stop worrying about it" or no response at all.  I'm not looking for anything but a "darn, sorry to hear that.  how are you holding up?" or something similar.  an opportunity to talk about how i'm feeling a little bit.  but when they pretend like they don't hear you or when they tell you to "not worry about it" it feels like they really don't want to hear anymore about it.  these kinds of things are very sensitive to a person going through this, and its hard to talk about it without some kind of reassurance that the listener really is ok with hearing you out.  when people respond with silence or with a dismissive comment (or a lecture like Elaeagnus's above) it feels like they are telling you to shut the hell up and stop raining on their parade.  i mean, that is their right.  but being more supportive is the least they could do if they are going to talk about their relationship "problems" and whatever's going on in their happy lives.

I know that i'm not the only one who has to deal with this kind of thing.  even if we aren't "getting anything out of those conversations".

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Elaeagnus said:

poidog-
I'm sorry if you took offense to my post.  Let me clarify a few things though.

First, the definition of gripe is "to complain constantly or naggingly", so when you used the word gripe in your initital post, that's what I thought you were doing.  Your second post clarifies that you were just bringing this up every now and then, and not constantly.  However, I'm sure you can understand why I interpreted what you wrote the way I did.

Second, I was not trying to lecture you.  I thought that you were upset that your friends and family only wanted to talk to you when things were good.  I was suggesting that the reason this is so is because they have no way to help you and their encouragements didn't work.  As such, they were ignoring you because they were probably feeling uncomfortable and frustrated.

Again, I apologize if I offended you in any way.  When you add a post, people are going to post a reply, including their opinions, in many cases.  I get the feeling from your initial post and your follow-ups that you would prefer someone to commiserate with, rather than other views or opinions.  That's fine.  Sometimes we all want someone who says they understand and nothing more.

At any rate, if that's what you're looking for here, I won't try to offer you any different opinions (I'm sure you'll be glad; I know I can be quite chatty ).  Good luck!  

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no apology needed. i think what set me off is that your reply sounded a lot like what you would hear from someone who doesn't understand. but since we are all here on this message board, i should have not taken it that way. i'm just frustrated, that's all.

thanks for replying.

I understand, me and my ex broke up 2 years ago + I didn't haven't had a date for almost 2 years my life is a mess, I'm depressed but trying, I was 'with' a woman the other night, not my type, but I sure as hell am not picky, but I'm not looking for anything ore to happen, I have learned not to get my hope up. I wish you the best.

kazman32 said:

I understand, me and my ex broke up 2 years ago + I didn't haven't had a date for almost 2 years my life is a mess, I'm depressed but trying, I was 'with' a woman the other night, not my type, but I sure as hell am not picky, but I'm not looking for anything ore to happen, I have learned not to get my hope up. I wish you the best.

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i totally understand what you mean about "not getting my hopes up". when i first became single i would get all excited whenever i met a new MOS, only to be extra disappointed when nothing came of it. now i consider myself to be extra pessimistic and i expect things to go sour before they even happen.

Hi Poi,

I know what you mean. I remember when I found out my evil ex was cheating with this girl. I HATED her with a passion and him, too. My mom said, "It will never last..."

Guess who got married last year?!!!!

I'm married now and I love my husband. I never loved this ex at all. I was just very attached to him.

I agree with Elae, it's so hard to reassure people. Frankly the singles scene these days is pretty brutal. I'm thankful I don't have to be out there. It's tough because people can be so shallow and not even try to get to know you, it's all about appearances. Even if you are attractive, that doesn't lead to a very deep relationship, KWIM?

I don't know what to say when I see my siblings dating losers and guys who use them for sex. I dont' know what to tell my handsome but very insecure brother. He's tired of being single and he can't find a girl either. It's really hard!!!

Hugs,

LG

Not that i would know the first thing about dating or going from a relationship to being single, but i'm quite sure that, which Elaeagnus pointed out (with the people You talk to getting frustrated and uncomfortable since they don't really believe they can help You in any way), these people, like everyone else these days, simply have own problems big enough to not sit down and go through a plan to get You a girlfriend. I'm sure as hell not trying to say they simply don't give a **** about You, nor offend neither You nor them in any way, but maybe they simply believe it's best for everyone (and especially You) to talk to a professional about things like these when You, in their eyes, might seem so very down about it they have no idea how to help You.

I'm saying they either don't care enough to help You or they don't know enough to help You, and i think it's the second one. They obviously already tried to help You without any visible result from their point of view. What You expect from these people probably wouldn't seem like something "too much" at all in neither Your nor any other person in Your situation's ways, but what can words do about it?

I know You could use some simple cheering up and that words can do miracle work for that but somehow i think they've missed out that You actually want to talk about it, rather than trying to ignore it (and trying not to get You even more down and maybe pissed off) and talking about something else instead. Sometimes we get so caught up with what we just have to do that we don't notice how obcessed we become with it and thereby don't see it as such a big deal to simply bring up in a conversation sometimes. I believe people around You think of You and Your problem much more than You think they do, making them even more worried about this subject when You finally meet them even though You're not around.

What You wrote about how people don't like to be part of sad stories is true; for a close friends for example, to keep up a smile and still saying the same, positive stuff about something which ain't right for years, it takes a mental superman. Who the heck could take that?

I want You to understand that i am a 20 year old guy who've only been in one relationship, had one love and never been on neither a date nor "dumped" so be gentle with me if You find something of what i wrote outrageously wrong or cold-hearted.

And.. since i've only had this single relationship and never been on a date all my real advice for finding love is to do it how i did it; register on some dating website online, find someone that fits perfect, send a few e-mails and don't meet until You both know "this is it" and enjoy it while it lasts. You probably already knew this and might not think of it as anything special but "dating" online is the best way to do it (and the only way if You're shy ) since You get to know the person much more personally than in any other situation.

I lived in hell for five years before i even noticed there were dating websites (i'm way too shy to try and go to a pub or a disco something, so i've actually never done it), but when i found my first and current love we both couldn't believe it.

I truly wonder if all this seem like some fairy tale for You normal people (compared to me and my spouse, at least); waiting for true love and live in a depressive hell, finding it and blabla... Me and Madeleine went straight from being kids up to marriage and children and all that (we've already planned it all) so i guess You could call us old-fashioned.

I hope i did some good with all this cause i planned to grab something to eat now.

By the way, You got another thread in this board which haven't got any replies yet. I read through it all and were just about to reply to it myself when i noticed You posted another one. Uh... should i keep that stuff in here too or would You prefer i'd write it in that thread?

Whoah. Let's be nice. Everyone comes here for support. Many of the people here are REALLY harsh on themselves. They need support and kindness, not a slap in the face to wake them up. Life is already tough for all of us!

Nice? I just told him that i believe it's hard for the people around him to help him since they don't know what do do, in a long version. Then i gave him the only advice i can give and that is what i believe is the truth. I clearly stated several times that i didn't mean to write ANYTHING to offend anyone the slightest and that i am deeply sorry if i did so.

I'm not going to write some rubbish just to make someone a little happier for a short while, that's not me.

Although this may be a bit after the fact, this post will do me some good too if you don't read it

Man Poidog, I can relate to you! It's about 2 years for me now since my breakup and I found this website in one of my small bursts of loneliness. I'm a happy and outgoing person, but once in a while I indulge myself in a bit of depression because I can't really find anyone.

The relationship was fantastic, but I was sad to see it end (but for the better though. I got a pretty bad treatment, though I was too love sick to see any of it, whoops!). It was great towards the end, man were we infatuated with each other, but then she went to Europe for a few weeks. When she got back, the flame was gone. A few months passed before we really broke up (we were still attracted physically, that kept things working for a while). A week later she hooked up with my best friend! There wasn't any bad blood over this though, I personally think he did me a favor

The breakup left some emotional scarring that I think you're familiar with poigdog, though it may not match you completely. She told me I was a bit boring. I'd like to think I'm not, I've lived to have a few good tales (only one or two have to do with drinking escapades from college!), and I love to joke. I look at myself and I see a pretty interesting person, but I just can't shake the feeling that I'm so uninteresting that a girl would only take interest in me out of pity. Now I do remember, several times in my relationship she said she wants to break it off because she wants to see what other guys are like, and I always told her I'd stand by her because I've always believed if you really love something, you need to be able to let it go (but I crossed my fingers she'd stay, and stay she did until she really left >_< ). I'm just so convinced I'm not worthwhile love interest I've given up. I've been giving the opportunity to find someone a good push, I've done going out to starbucks, large malls, bookstores, conventions, conferences, and even payed a few bucks for online dating, but no dice. I'm just no good at it. I'm a decent looking guy, Italian with lean body, a wee bit of muscle, and an honest smile. I live with my parents though, can't afford to live on my own while I work towards my Ph. D, so I'm using that as a scapegoat to my whole predicament .

It sucks Poig, I've studied psychology and read books like Men are From Mars Women are from Venus in the hopes of when I get a gal I'll treat her right, but no dice. I've thrown in the towl and called my pursuit quits. I'm happy being single, but there are a few times I wish I could enjoy the sun with someone while sleeping on the beach sand. I feel a bit small since everyone in my office has a ring on their left hand and my closest friend is a step away from marriage. I'm only in my early twenties and I feel so behind .

I wish I could stop the moments when I feel so alone, since I really do live a happy and satisfied life. I don't really have anyone to talk to about my depressing moments, between us guys this kind of stuff doesn't fly and the others I'm not close enough to, so I'm thankful for the anonymous rapport this forum can give . You guys don't have to feel lonely all by yourself