I am slowly learning to accept my loneliness and how I never will be loved...

...and...I don't feel sad.

Not everyone is meant to be loved.
Not everyone is meant to have friends.
Not everyone is meant to be important.
Not everyone is meant to have a meaningful life.
Etc.

I am slowly learning to accept, that I am one of those "not everyones".
I could continue trying to meet people through the internet, volunteering, social places etc., however, if my fate has already decided that there is no place in my life for love or friendship, what can I do? I cannot change or give myself what I was never meant to have.

There are those, who try, and try, and can never find friendship or love.
There are those, who do not try, and can never have a shortage of friendship or love.

This...is what I have had difficulty with coping with for so long.
I finally feel that I am coming closer to accepting my loneliness.
I finally have had my "Eureka!" moment.

For the longest time, I kept asking myself:
"Why me?"
"Why I can't have what _________ has?"
"What does _________ have that I don't?"
All of these questions, did nothing but to pull my self-esteem lower and lower. All I would do was draw comparisons with strangers, acquaintances, family etc. All it did was deepen the wounds in my heart a little more each day.

I am tired of crying into my pillows during night.
I am tired of feeling sorry for myself.
I am tired of getting my hopes up only for them to be crushed.
I am tired of destroying myself.

I honestly feel...complete. More complete than I ever have been.
Yet, it is almost as if I have no feeling anymore?
I do not know how to express how I feel...perhaps, it is peace.
Is this what peace feels?

My expectations of people...were far too high.
My expectations of my efforts...were far too high.
I have learnt that, you cannot expect anything from this world.
When you put out your hand to the world, it will be ripped away from you.

I cannot expect happiness...not everyone is meant to be happy.
My life...whatever is in store for me - this how I was meant to live.
I may not be happy, but I feel that...I am no longer sad.

Life is...what it is...

wow Luna that is brilliantly written

i do not believe there is such a thing as fate or destiny, there just simply is;

the world it's objects and it's processes

hmm it is unfair

but i do not think the world was created with fairness in mind, or with any regard to the consequences of creating human life,

they all just came to be without any real any intention of what it was creating

there are six billion people in the world

with a random sequence of events

it is just chance that some people end up incredibly wealthy and loved, have everything and have a continuously great life

some are poor with friends, or vice versa life with good and bad parts

some have nothing

but i do not believe the future is set in stone although i do believe i am completely impervious to any amazingly happy event occuring to me, as well as i think the same about dying in a suddenly tragic accident of some kind.

the world is crowded now, it seems that perhaps we do not have enough room to carve out our own futures as we would prefer.

as i think the rest of my life will be incredibly mild and rather medicore

unfortunantly you feel like you don't belong to a cool close knit group of friends like you hope for, as do I

but I am sure there are still people out there who care about you


it is incredibly difficult not to compare yourself to others, this is a big problem for me

that is great if you can stop looking in all the wrong places for self worth

although for what it's worth i think you're a great person

luna i hate to say this but you sound apathetic rather than accepting of the situation...

like you've given up the struggle and are just lying there in a daze of numbness *hug*

I may be wrong, but I don't think your battle is over yet. You may have been feeling stronger about it in the moment you decided to post this, but the frustration will come back around because, naturally, you want more for yourself. The questions and the wondering will return, and, with it, the pain that comes with not having a good answer and optimistic belief that change is around the corner.

You'll be truly victorious when you find someone and someone finds you.

What I've come to accept is that there's something I'm not doing right, or at all, even. When I figure that part out and change it, then my chances will increase.

There's a guy at that fast food restaraunt you frequent that digs you, but there's something you're not doing right.
There's that girl I run into frequently who'd say yes in a heartbeat, but there's something I'm not doing right.

I agree with the others that it sounds like you haven't really worked through things yet. I do however like that you're going to quit comparing yourself to others. That is a great first step. Once you quit worrying about 'normal' you'll find happiness in some pretty remarkable places.

Another dreary, cold night, and here I am, staring blankly at the computer screen once more.
It has been a year since I joined the forums, and 8 months since I created this thread.
This post best reflects my feelings for the past approximate 3 months, but I have made...some corrections according to how things simply are.

Tomorrow, you will see that I will complain of how tired I am, and my co-workers will be subjected to my complaining of my lack of sleep.
But it does not matter; not much does.
I am simply part of the cycle.

I am slowly learning to accept my loneliness and how I will never be loved... life.

...and...I don't feel sad.

Not everyone is meant to be loved.
Not everyone is meant to have friends.
Not everyone is meant to be important.
Not everyone is meant to have a meaningful life.


We are not meant for anything.
We are not put on earth for a purpose
It is up to us to choose whether or not to have a purpose, and what it is to be.
Some of us are put on earth with handicaps from the beginning.
Some of us aren't even given the chance to live long enough to try.
(Note that, for the above that I do not mean you, but rather sick infants and children for example.)


I am slowly learning to accept, that I am one of those "not everyones".

I could continue trying to meet people through the internet, volunteering, social places etc., however, if my fate has already decided that there is no place in my life for love or friendship, what can I do? as long as there is benefit to me. I cannot change or give myself what I was never meant to have.


There are those, who try, and try, and can never find friendship or love.
There are those, who do not try, and can never have a shortage of friendship or love.

This...is what I have had difficulty with coping with for so long.
I finally feel that I am coming closer to accepting my loneliness. reality.
I finally have had my "Eureka!" moment.

For the longest time, I kept asking myself:
"Why me?"
"Why I can't have what _________ has?"
"What does _________ have that I don't?"
All of these questions, did nothing but to pull my self-esteem lower and lower. All I would do was draw comparisons with strangers, acquaintances, family etc. All it did was deepen the wounds in my heart a little more each day.

I am tired of crying into my pillows during night.
My tears are all dried up. Can't cry. Yay!
I am tired of feeling sorry for myself.
What to feel sorry? It could be much worse.
I can only imagine how messed up I would be if I were to be made a sex slave by some 86-year old and raped every night, urinated on, beaten, given acid to drink, limbs cut off, forced to eat rotting human flesh.
That, or deal with a swarm of mosquitoes, only to pass out, and have them feast on me...and my remains, for the ants to carry away happily.
(I hate bugs.)
I am tired of getting my hopes up only for them to be crushed.
I only see black clouds, and they smile at me always, whereas the sun laughs at me as I am burning under his irritating bright, arrogant glory.
I am tired of destroying myself.

I honestly feel...complete. More complete than I ever have been.
Yet, it is almost as if I have no feeling anymore?
I do not know how to express how I feel...perhaps, it is peace.
Is this what peace feels?
This is peace, I think.

My expectations of people...were far too high.
Bah, people.
My expectations of my efforts...were far too high.
Bah, trying.
I have learnt that, you cannot expect anything from this world.
When you put out your hand to the world, it will be ripped away from you.
Okay, the above I agree with still. However, sometimes the world instead will not just take your hand, but will hack off the whole arm.

I cannot expect happiness...not everyone is meant to be happy.*forced smile*
My life...whatever is in store for me - this how I was meant to live.
I may not be happy, but I feel that...I am no longer sad.

Life is...what it is...

Luna said:

Another dreary, cold night, and here I am, staring blankly at the computer screen once more.
It has been a year since I joined the forums, and 8 months since I created this thread.
This post best reflects my feelings for the past approximate 3 months, but I have made...some corrections according to how things simply are.

Tomorrow, you will see that I will complain of how tired I am, and my co-workers will be subjected to my complaining of my lack of sleep.
But it does not matter; not much does.
I am simply part of the cycle.

I am slowly learning to accept my loneliness and how I will never be loved... life.

...and...I don't feel sad.

Not everyone is meant to be loved.
Not everyone is meant to have friends.
Not everyone is meant to be important.
Not everyone is meant to have a meaningful life.


We are not meant for anything.
We are not put on earth for a purpose
It is up to us to choose whether or not to have a purpose, and what it is to be.
Some of us are put on earth with handicaps from the beginning.
Some of us aren't even given the chance to live long enough to try.
(Note that, for the above that I do not mean you, but rather sick infants and children for example.)


I am slowly learning to accept, that I am one of those "not everyones".

I could continue trying to meet people through the internet, volunteering, social places etc., however, if my fate has already decided that there is no place in my life for love or friendship, what can I do? as long as there is benefit to me. I cannot change or give myself what I was never meant to have.


There are those, who try, and try, and can never find friendship or love.
There are those, who do not try, and can never have a shortage of friendship or love.

This...is what I have had difficulty with coping with for so long.
I finally feel that I am coming closer to accepting my loneliness. reality.
I finally have had my "Eureka!" moment.

For the longest time, I kept asking myself:
"Why me?"
"Why I can't have what _________ has?"
"What does _________ have that I don't?"
All of these questions, did nothing but to pull my self-esteem lower and lower. All I would do was draw comparisons with strangers, acquaintances, family etc. All it did was deepen the wounds in my heart a little more each day.

I am tired of crying into my pillows during night.
My tears are all dried up. Can't cry. Yay!
I am tired of feeling sorry for myself.
What to feel sorry? It could be much worse.
I can only imagine how messed up I would be if I were to be made a sex slave by some 86-year old and raped every night, urinated on, beaten, given acid to drink, limbs cut off, forced to eat rotting human flesh.
That, or deal with a swarm of mosquitoes, only to pass out, and have them feast on me...and my remains, for the ants to carry away happily.
(I hate bugs.)
I am tired of getting my hopes up only for them to be crushed.
I only see black clouds, and they smile at me always, whereas the sun laughs at me as I am burning under his irritating bright, arrogant glory.
I am tired of destroying myself.

I honestly feel...complete. More complete than I ever have been.
Yet, it is almost as if I have no feeling anymore?
I do not know how to express how I feel...perhaps, it is peace.
Is this what peace feels?
This is peace, I think.

My expectations of people...were far too high.
Bah, people.
My expectations of my efforts...were far too high.
Bah, trying.
I have learnt that, you cannot expect anything from this world.
When you put out your hand to the world, it will be ripped away from you.
Okay, the above I agree with still. However, sometimes the world instead will not just take your hand, but will hack off the whole arm.

I cannot expect happiness...not everyone is meant to be happy.*forced smile*
My life...whatever is in store for me - this how I was meant to live.
I may not be happy, but I feel that...I am no longer sad.

Life is...what it is...

Click to expand...

don't really know how to respond to this.

Life isn't fair . . .
But .. . . be greatful for what you have . . . is all I can really say, which you've already said you are.

Hey Luna, you sound like you've gone through quite a bit.

However I just want to give food for thought. It sounds like there's a lot of people around you that you compare yourself too. Now comparision to other people isn't bad all the time, but it sounds like it's really hurt you. You seem to see people that have 'more' then you all the time.

Remember the phrase 'grass is always greener on the other side'; which it normally is. Everyone has their different strengths and weakness. Thoughs who seem to 'have it all' in friends, relationships and careers normally don't as much as they look. Frankly there is no point in comparing yourself to people, because trust me, it always looks better when people can hide their flaws.

So in short, I think you comparing yourself with others is the real deep root of the problem and your loneliness. No offence meant, but that's all I'm reading from your post. And I'll leave you with some more food for thought in case you were still hungry.

Yes there will always be people better then you. That is a given fact and true for every person on the planet.

Confidence is believing in yourself. How can you believe when your belief is grounded in what others think?

And finally, golden rule, there is no set standard for life. You don't have to reach goals of any sort, be super popular for example. You simply have to be happy. : )

When you walk through a storm,
hold your head up high!
And don't be afraid of the dark.

At the end of the storm
there's a golden sky
and a sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind,
walk on through the rain,
though your dreams be tossed and blown,
walk on!

Walk on!
With hope in your heart;
and you'll never walk alone!
You'll never walk alone!

I feel like you do from time to time Luna....

what your processing is actaully a natrual process of letting go.
The sedona methode explains in depth.
Or one of the ways is to drive right into your pains or whatever your suffering are...
Acceptence or seize fighting.
Beneath all of that is an ocean of love or peace.

It's like being reborned.

Love ...that's who you are sweetie.
Youre loved, whole and complete already.
You have so much love to give and share to the world.

I started practicing the sedona methode last year.
Gradually people that i love came into my life.
Actaully a lot of people had came into my life.

It's not that I don't know how to fine happiness within myself or love myself.
It's just that I want what I want
I'm like totally fixated with Michelle. I want to be love by her, only her.
I have selective OCD...I like obesseing over her.

It's totally wierd. The more i let go of her..the more she contacts me.lol

I feel like you summed up your entire post with the last line:

"Life is... what it is..."

This very sentiment is the reason you feel the way you do - defeated and tired.

Life is NOT what it is - life is what you make of it. People who have friends aren't just... lucky. They're the people who aren't afraid of putting themselves out there and getting hurt. All of us here, it's not that we lack anything, we just lack confidence. We're afraid of getting hurt. We're afraid of making mistakes. Well let me tell you something, right now, you may not want to make any mistakes, but i can guarantee you that when you're on your deathbed, you'll wish you had made a lot more.

sadface, I agree with you 100%.

Luna, there are so many days i feel like you do... but I have to keep trying to make something better come out of feeling so low. I usually do. Not many great things happen for me, I happen to have the worst luck ever....

But I will never give up on myself.. and I hope that you never give up on yourself. You deserve the best this life can offer. WE ALL DO.

Lets do it together!

Luna said:

We are not meant for anything.
We are not put on earth for a purpose
It is up to us to choose whether or not to have a purpose, and what it is to be.

Click to expand...

I agree. You're thinking straight here.

Luna said:

Some of us are put on earth with handicaps from the beginning.
Some of us aren't even given the chance to live long enough to try.
(Note that, for the above that I do not mean you, but rather sick infants and children for example.)

I have learnt that, you cannot expect anything from this world.
When you put out your hand to the world, it will be ripped away from you.
Okay, the above I agree with still. However, sometimes the world instead will not just take your hand, but will hack off the whole arm.

Click to expand...

Yup. Life is not fair. In fact, it's hard to imagine anything more unfair than life. The most horrific things happen to the most wonderful people. I've seen it happen to my friends. For example, one of my friends was stabbed, murdered, shortly before his wedding. If I once believed that life was fair, that belief is truly dead now.

Luna said:

My life...whatever is in store for me - this how I was meant to live.

Click to expand...

You said earlier, "It is up to us to choose whether or not to have a purpose". That's true.

But now you say, "this how I was meant to live". Sounds like you're talking about fate now. I don't believe in fate. There is no predetermined way that you're meant to live.

There is no predetermined reason why you cannot have friends.
There is no predetermined reason why you cannot be loved.

Yes, random chance plays a massive and cruel role in our lives. But you have free will. You make your own choices. You can choose to surrender, to give up, or you can choose to fight. Here's my attitude, my fighting spirit, which I've been slowly developing and strengthening over many years:

"Life, you may throw a lot of honeysuckle at me, but by golly, I choose to fight it with every ounce of strength in my soul. You may knock me down a thousand times, trample me into the mud, but by golly, I'm going to stagger back onto my feet every single time. You will never be victorious over me."

Please watch this scene from The Abyss. If you don't want to watch the whole thing, then scroll forward to about 4:13, which is the important part.

[youtube]8Q60x_5WOqk[/youtube]

Whenever I feel like surrendering, accepting failure, giving up hope, I remember Virgil screaming at Lindsey: "FIIIIIIGHT!" That is the strength of my fighting spirit. In fact, this amazing scene almost forms the core of my fighting spirit. When things get really tough, I remember this scene.


----------------------------------------
----------------------------------------
----------------------------------------


Life has been cruel to you Luna. You haven't had the good fortune that some others have had. It may be a billion times harder for you to find a friend, a lover, than someone else. But that doesn't make the slightest difference to the fundamental truth about who you are at heart.

You are precious. You are special. You are capable of being loved. This is the truth about you. One day, random chance is almost certain to bring into your life a person who will see this truth, and love you just as you are. A person who will see that special girl with a loving beating heart, buried deep under all that pain. Of course, random chance is a cruel thing, and may not bring such a person into your life ever. But that doesn't change the truth about who you are: You are precious. You are special. You are capable of being loved.

You've shared so much of your true nature with us in your posts, and we know that, underneath all that misery, you have a heart of gold. If you don't believe it, just take a look at the comments in your Reputation Report here on ALonelyLife.



You're in the middle of that hug Luna, and everyone on ALonelyLife is surrounding you with warmth. You're not alone. You have us. Don't give up.

QuietGuy said:

You're in the middle of that hug Luna, and everyone on ALonelyLife is surrounding you with warmth. You're not alone. You have us. Don't give up.

Click to expand...

And that's not a flashlight in my pocket....

Luna, how do you feel about your office job?
Do you love it? Hate it?
Do you look forward to going to work? Or dread it?

I ask because I know how much a miserable job can drag the rest of your life down. My previous office job was indescribably miserable. I'm not kidding, I think it was actually starting to drive me insane with boredom and depression. I could feel my mind crumbling, disintegrating, withering. It was truly horrible.

One day, I finally snapped. I had to sit through the most f***ing boring 2-hour meeting you can imagine. I had to pretend to look interested, even though inside I really didn't give a f*** about what they were saying. I couldn't take it any more. I handed in my notice that day. I didn't have another job to go to, but all I knew was I could not spend one more day in that place. And I'm so glad I left, because now I have a job that I really enjoy, and it's made such a difference to my life.

Sarte had this thing in Being and Nothingness about realizing that if you stand on a cliff and choose to hurl yourself off that there is nothing to stop you. Nothing. A few people in the world can really wrap their head around the horror of that. That life is completely devoid of external value. The only thing that has any value is trying to entertain yourself through life and to try to have personal morals and not be a crappy person. Life is pretty much empty and pointless. With that, I say don't ever be a victim. Pointlessness or not, always fight for yourself when it comes to serious circumstances,(we are all victimized everyday in some small way, example; advertising). Cynicism always helps.

Luna said:

...and...I don't feel sad.

Click to expand...

I think I understand what you mean.

I was lonely for so long I just kind of stopped being lonely after a while. I started to just hate people instead.

I hope you know that youre worth it. You deserve to be happy and humanity is just going to have to catch up to your beautiful-ness.

---

Mostpeculiarman said:

Sarte had this thing in Being and Nothingness about realizing that if you stand on a cliff and choose to hurl yourself off that there is nothing to stop you. Nothing. A few people in the world can really wrap their head around the horror of that. That life is completely devoid of external value. The only thing that has any value is trying to entertain yourself through life and to try to have personal morals and not be a crappy person. Life is pretty much empty and pointless. With that, I say don't ever be a victim. Pointlessness or not, always fight for yourself when it comes to serious circumstances,(we are all victimized everyday in some small way, example; advertising). Cynicism always helps.

Click to expand...

Sarte was a miserable old man that believed in nothing. His philosophy is not designed to make anyone feel complete or a part of the universe. I understand he is a founder of existentialism but I think his theory differs from his sentiment. The idea about existentialism should mean there a somethingness and hope and completeness and connectivity to the universe if you choose to believe it. While his theory is valid his personal belief that life has no value warped his attidude and explanations behind existentialsm.. With Sarte, reality is nothingness and nothing matters. I believe reality is the EXACT OPPOSITE of nothingness - pure chaos. Within chaos everything is whole and complete while at the same time nothing is true and the only value of something is what you choose to believe. Sarte equates existentialsm with nihilism. With him life has no point or value.. It's a miserable thing to believe in.

I kinda feel the same way

I agree with you and I don't agree with you.

Line by line, I agree with you 100%. Some of us are luckier than others...we are not as lucky as some, but we are also luckier than many people in the world; you're right. I also agree that when your hopes are up and you get knocked back down, it feels like you might as well not get your hopes up in the first place because it'll make you feel worse.

But, as a couple others have said, we gotta keep fighting!! One other thing about life is that it's full of ups and downs. And sometimes you're not going to succeed, but it's better to keep trying.

I try to remind myself -- "To accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And wisdom to know the difference."

Some things, you can't change, but that doesn't mean there aren't things you can!

Luna said:

...and...I don't feel sad.

Not everyone is meant to be loved.
Not everyone is meant to have friends.
Not everyone is meant to be important.
Not everyone is meant to have a meaningful life.
Etc.

I am slowly learning to accept, that I am one of those "not everyones".
I could continue trying to meet people through the internet, volunteering, social places etc., however, if my fate has already decided that there is no place in my life for love or friendship, what can I do? I cannot change or give myself what I was never meant to have.

There are those, who try, and try, and can never find friendship or love.
There are those, who do not try, and can never have a shortage of friendship or love.

This...is what I have had difficulty with coping with for so long.
I finally feel that I am coming closer to accepting my loneliness.
I finally have had my "Eureka!" moment.

For the longest time, I kept asking myself:
"Why me?"
"Why I can't have what _________ has?"
"What does _________ have that I don't?"
All of these questions, did nothing but to pull my self-esteem lower and lower. All I would do was draw comparisons with strangers, acquaintances, family etc. All it did was deepen the wounds in my heart a little more each day.

I am tired of crying into my pillows during night.
I am tired of feeling sorry for myself.
I am tired of getting my hopes up only for them to be crushed.
I am tired of destroying myself.

I honestly feel...complete. More complete than I ever have been.
Yet, it is almost as if I have no feeling anymore?
I do not know how to express how I feel...perhaps, it is peace.
Is this what peace feels?

My expectations of people...were far too high.
My expectations of my efforts...were far too high.
I have learnt that, you cannot expect anything from this world.
When you put out your hand to the world, it will be ripped away from you.

I cannot expect happiness...not everyone is meant to be happy.
My life...whatever is in store for me - this how I was meant to live.
I may not be happy, but I feel that...I am no longer sad.

Life is...what it is...

Click to expand...

I had similar thoughts once. Thinking about how and why I don't fit with people and similar depressing stuff. Giving up again and again with sports, life in general, people that didn't give a ****, trying hard again and failing... At some point I was standing on an edge of some bridge and thinking why exactly shouldn't I just step into the void without a clear answer pro et contra. This world to me at that point was just a desert with emotionless bipeds wandering past me. Things have changed since then. I did meet people that I now consider friends. I found people that showed me what affection and love is. They made me think life is worth living again. Still lonely because the live far away but way past giving up.

And if I do a bit of retrospective I find it was the attitude that propelled me out of the misery I was in. It's the stuff that was burning inside of me that eventually caused things to happen. And I believe that may help you as well. Do you WANT TO BE part of the past or part of the future? Do you FEEL LIKE WINNING OR LOOSING in the end? Are you BURNING with a flame of passion because you know that eventually all you want to have will be yours? Getting the attitude up and running isn't the entire story but it could stand for a proper beginning!