Holidays are the worst

I'm a 43 year old woman who has been alone for a long time. I had an arranged marriage when I was 21 and was divorced by 23. I have never been in relationship functional or dysfunctional since then. I so clearly see that life has passed me by. I've been successful professionally and have used this to keep me busy. I have many friends. As a child and young adult I loved the holidays. I was the person to put up the tree, bake the cookies, sing carols. I'm Hindu by birth but was born and raised in the US so have a marriage of cultures. I have so many friends and have a good life despite my hidden loneliness or a lack of someone special. I have kind of accepted that maybe I'm missing something to make that connection. I also am realistic that as someone of different ethnicity and religion in the bible belt its hard to meet people. I always seem to meet men while traveling so know that I'm capable of being attractive to and attracted to men when in another setting. What's becoming more and more difficult is over the past few years I've started to dread the holidays and get very depressed as it approaches. I am tired of going to the office parties alone. I am tired of watching everyone with so much going on and me being the hanger on in other people's lives. I am the outsider this time of year. I feel like people feel sorry for me. My parents are wonderful but of another culture and I've been alienated from that culture since my divorce. I find I spend time with them but have little in common with them anymore other than our relationship and memories. I have a brother that is not emotionally available to me just to his wife and children. I am close to my nieces but they are teenagers and have their own life. I have another brother who I have no contact with. I'm not sure other family members do and I chose not to know. When I was younger he would try to use me as a sexual object and for some reason even as a child I knew this was wrong. I haven't told anyone this but it is my reason I have no relationship with him.

Before you say go volunteer, i am sooo busy with work especially this time of the year it's hard for me to keep a in advance time comittment.

Does anyone else feel especially isolated this time of year. I don't know if I can go through another holiday season. It's just too much.[/font]

Yeah, the holidays get to me as well. We have a decent size family get together and this is the only time I see half these people. First its Thanksgiving, then a few birthdays and Christmas. I never have anything to talk to these people about and they always ask me the same questions over and over again and I have to act normal and give generic responses. There are a few others who have also expressed their dread for the holiday season back before Thanksgiving.

This is the time of year when I have to face my extended family on both sides... I wouldn't mind if I never saw them again, tbh. I'll get the inevitable "Do you have a girlfriend?" from my aunt... my family will snicker at the thought while she tells me about what my cousins did with their respective girlfriends since we last saw eachother... I'll proceed to look for a rock to crawl under.

Yeah, I think I'm going to fake being sick this year.

Good grief Almond Eyes... I am sitting here in my little chamber, and have tiny streams of tears staining my shirt thinking about you. Holidays are awful. Thanksgiving for me has been spent alone for four years, including this year. Christmas will be spent alone, too.

I once took a walk by the Tennessee River in Knoxville, Tennessee. There, strolling hand in hand, people walked by, talking, sharing thoughts, and in the most marvelous fellowship. I walked along, gazing into the river, and watching all those people enjoying a wonderful day, made better by the company of someone they loved. When I sat down and felt a hand in mine, it was merely my left hand holding my right. There was no one to talk to, and I didn't want to eat alone. Beans on toast would serve as well as would Tarka Dal, or Korma in a good restaurant. Eating is an exploration with company, but never alone. Then it is merely sustenance.

You are all manner of things. Culture, tradition, a traveler, and someone who understands what the world is, and who is in it. You are someone who knows so much more of the world than most of the rest of us. I miss Australian traditions. I miss family to be with, and people to talk to. I miss the exchange of ideas, and the fun that goes with being in the company of a fellow traveler - someone who knows what I know, and smiles at each faux pas I make. I hate holidays... I really hate holidays...

At this time of year I would sail away if I could. I would find another place somewhere far away where the sun shines, and there is color in every place, vibrancy in every experience. The clashing of bells, and the noise of life, and be apart from it. Christmas would have a secret magic, held inside. It would be for me and one other. No hams, no turkey... Rice and flat bread, no meat, and that would be my gift to the world, to do no harm... I hate holidays...

I dont know which is worse being alone or being the freak at the family dinner

Almondeyes,

I know you're depressed right now, but it sounds to me like you have a great life. You have a successful career, and plenty of friends. You think people pity you, but I bet they really don't. I don't. You already experienced marriage once and were brave enough to realize that being single is better than a bad relationship. I'm sorry things are hard for you right now, and I know Christmas is a bit of an exclusive holiday, especially in the Bible Belt where people are expected to pair off at 21 and have kids by 25, but please don't give up on things right now. You really do have a good life.

I hate the holidays as well. Especially this year with no job and money I can't even buy my family gifts. I am dreading spending New Years at home alone. Feels pathetic. All the joy around makes me feel like a loser and feel even more miserable and alone.

Hello Almondeyes,
I am sorry you feel lonely right now. I guess holidays can be depressing. As not so great as it sounds, we do have a chat room here and there are people who would like pen pals. Perhaps you could meet someone here to converse with?
Welcome, and I hope you find some way to get through the holidays. It's a tough place to be right now and I don't really have any suggestions or know what to say.

Thanks to everyone for their kind words. I just wish I could close my eyes and January could be here. I didn't go out Friday and Saturday night to a number of parties I was invited to. I'm tired of going out alone at the best of times. But dressing up is tiresome when you have to drive yourself somewhere, and ultimately leave alone. During the time, being surrounded by people introducing their spouse to everyone, exchange kid stories, and its a time of year people are more physically affectionate than usual. Staying home is easier than having a night of little daggers stabbing you throughout the evening. There is only so much strength I can use this time of year.

To the writer in Knoxville. I too feel alone watching people holding hands or being surrounded by their family. I am not sympathetic to the person complaining about a spouse, or the person who broke up with someone a long time ago still wallowing in sadness. I want to scream at the top of my lungs 'at least you have/had someone'. I never have. Never. I am not naive to think that you can't have loneliness in a relationship. I do however have friends with great marriages and admire them for that. I'd lie if I didn't say I was envious. Another writer said how people probably didn't feel sorry for me. Perhaps or perhaps not. If I don't open myself up to people then yes they think I have an ideal single girl life. I have opened up to a couple of close friends but then feel like it shifts the balance to them feeling sorry for me.

Who do you express your feelings to? I have no one. My parents would be upset if they knew how unhappy I was. Somehow I'd be the one that ended up comforting them for my problems. I don't have any one special friend. I've moved so much in my life it's been hard to maintain that one friendship. There are people I could call but it just seems everyone is so busy. I don't want to call just in crisis. I think people assume I'm so strong, but I get tired. I'm tired of always being strong. I so wish I had a sister that I was close to.

I'm rambling now, so thanks for reading, and your feedback. It helps. I do travel on my own. I've actually done it over the holidays so as to avoid being the single person at the table during holiday gatherings. I'm just tired or running. I wish I could stay at home and not always be running away from my reality.

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Stagnant said:

I dont know which is worse being alone or being the freak at the family dinner

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I haven't figured that out yet myself. I will only go to small family get togethers these days.

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coricopat said:

Almondeyes,

I know you're depressed right now, but it sounds to me like you have a great life. You have a successful career, and plenty of friends. You think people pity you, but I bet they really don't. I don't. You already experienced marriage once and were brave enough to realize that being single is better than a bad relationship. I'm sorry things are hard for you right now, and I know Christmas is a bit of an exclusive holiday, especially in the Bible Belt where people are expected to pair off at 21 and have kids by 25, but please don't give up on things right now. You really do have a good life.

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I think one of the hardest things is I knew I wanted kids from the time I was 15. I love children. I have not created any family or my own traditions. I am so empty. So people may not pity me, but I also can't share myself with them. The ones I have probably do realize that my life is not glamorous.

I also spend holidays alone. I agree that they are some of the bleakest times of the year (believe me, I work at a funeral home). I see very much grief, and the holiday spirit in general seems so mockingly ironic.

One thing that gives me comfort is that the joy and comradeship that people feel during the holidays seems to be manufactured. If they really liked their family, why don't they see them any other time of year, etc? By the time Christmas is over, most people have had quite enough of their relatives. So I say why bother with all of it. I want warm, fuzzy feelings and fellowship, too, but I would like mine to be genuine - and not because TV commercials tell me that it is time to warm up, spend money, and visit family.

And I know that it can be difficult in the bible belt if you are different. Even if you are only slightly different, they do pick up on it and react (sometimes coldly). I know that very well.

I wish you the best of luck and peace of mind. You may take comfort in the fact that your life has not yet passed you by. Don't tell yourself that it has. I know women older than yourself who have found someone for themselves and carried out a healthy relationship.

The main thing that I wanted to tell you was this: Don't buy into all of this holiday cheer. If you are not happy and in good company, you should not feel pressure to have those things right now. Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. are all just days of the year that nobody will remember the next morning.

Almondeyes,

I understand what you mean about never having had anyone. Yes, you were married, but what kind of marriage? I understand about kids too, I have four, but rarely get to see them. They are all grown and live a long way from here. The traditions you spoke of, but do not have, I have not had either. I hear about my kids doing this and that with my ex-wife, but every season sees me alone again. Many would ask what it was I did wrong, but really nothing. Children need their mothers more than their fathers in many ways, so I cannot blame them.

For me, there have been many years spent getting one degree, then another, now two more. Next step is yet another school and a PhD program. Safest place for me is in the classroom, either teaching it, or learning. I am not attractive to the opposite sex not because I am hard to look at, but more because I am not well off. I spend all my time in school, and there is no money in that. Women want things I simply do not have to give them. On top of that I am somewhat absent minded, often forgetful, and constantly busy. If ever I am fortunate enough to have another woman in my life, she will have to get used to a husband that wants only her in his life. I don't think I will ever get that lucky.

I hope beyond hope you find what it is you truly want, and that you create traditions for yourself. I think anyone who gets to be with you will be a fortunate man indeed.

Almondeyes said:

I think one of the hardest things is I knew I wanted kids from the time I was 15. I love children. I have not created any family or my own traditions. I am so empty. So people may not pity me, but I also can't share myself with them. The ones I have probably do realize that my life is not glamorous.

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I understand that one. Realizing I may never have children just kills me. Have you considered adoption? It's not an option for me (no one would give a healthy child to a sick woman) but maybe for you?

Hi Almond Eyes,

I understand about feeling blue for the holidays.

A suggestion may be to take a cruise for singles or some other holiday themed event for single people?

Good luck!