Have you ever wondered?

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

Remedy

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 11, 2009
Messages
299
Reaction score
0
Why is it so hard for people to get into a relationship and for others it is so easy? There are some people out there like a lot of my past friends or new ones that just pick up on it so easily. They don't go like a week without being in a relationship. With some people they just like click with the opposite sex and do quite well with relationships. Where as some of us become secluded and detached away from society ending up quite lonely.

Are we just too used to lonliness and know nothing else that our social skills become hindered and we can't interact correctly with the opposite sex. Or we just never were taught while growing up or given the chance to blossom into a normal human being who can flirt and communicate well. It seems like our attraction level plays a big role in our time growing up because when you are unattractive you don't get the time of day other people get from the opposing gender.

I'm just curious to find the root of all evil that restrains us from branching out to be a better person and get a relationship we want. Have you ever asked yourself the question whats makes us so shy and how did I get like this? To me its because my parents weren't very open about the opposite sex and never taught me or my siblings about relationships. In school as well I was usually put down about my looks and how I acted around girls didn't help much. To be honest though I can't really remember when I became shy its like something clicked on when I was younger in my head.

Do we constantly look around at other couples and become consumed by a "why not me" complex in which we give off vibes of desperation,lonliness, and pathetic signs.I just wish I knew what made some of us so socially inept and how some of us can fix our problems. Sorry about my post it just seems like a cluttered mess of thoughts that I didn't put together properly but its just something I've always wondered.
 
Hey Remedy, y'know I've asked that same question to myself countless of times as well.

I think to a certain extent, I'm not a social butterfly - so that makes it harder for me to meet people. I'm a quiet person and if viewed negatively, it can be perceived as a reclusive personality. I don't know *shrugs*.

I think that we're all pieces of a puzzle. Some of us are just easier to fit into other puzzle boards.

The rest of us are...a little special. It's just gonna take us a little longer than others to find that puzzle board that we can fit into :)

Sometimes meeting the right person is just about being at the right place, at the right time :) Don't cha think?
 
Ya I know what you mean and that puzzle example is a great way to put it. But ya it is definitely about being in the right place at the right time since everyone has so many different reasons to be attracted or unattracted to someone. Certain people though seem to have a lot more options and always seem to be in the right place at the right time. We probably just need to all try to stop being so shy but its much easier said than done. It would probably open up a lot more options though and make people feel less awkward being around us. Thanks for the puzzle example though, it definitely makes things look less bleak and gives a little hope.
 
i personnally blame on my parents. i think it's their fault for never rooting for me, and push me to get other people affection
they also never let me date in my early teenage years. i think they put a spell on me. so yeah it might be that we were not taught properly.
then we get use to loneliness, and become cavemen who speak different languages from the opposite sex/
 
Hey, I just asked myself this question today. I met this girl who is really unattractive and has an awful whiny character, yet for some reason gets dates on a regular basis. I really wonder why it is that noone asked me out in 3 years?

I've heard that if you "need" someone, that actually repells other people. I guess that's plausible because your potential date is not looking for a relationship that will clearly involve a lot of work and might not be fun. Also, if you work/study all the time and don't socialize a lot (like me :p ), then you will meet fewer people. But there must be more to it... does anyone else have more ideas?
 
i feel like i "need" someone im not sure if thats wats doing it but i dont connect with people i dont trust people cos i know what they do. finding someone who is right for you is very difficult but you dont want to be stuck in a shell like me, waiting
 
I actually think i am quite nice to be with once i get to know a girl. Well they seem to like spending time with me. But my problem is i am filled with shyness around new people. Especially those of the opposite sex. I also think that shyness tends to put people off of talking to me, i think they feel as if it makes me awkward and uncomfortable when they communicate with me which i suppose it does. But i would rather they persist so i can eventually get to know them. This is why i find it hard to make new friends and find new relationships.

I also think i am a depressive. However i refuse to take any sort of medication because im worried it would change me in a way that wouldnt be me anymore. As soon as i feel the depression coming on i know about it, i just try to not worry and ride it out, avoid thinking of anything negative and i just cant show interest in anything or any sort of conversation. People feel as if im blanking them or upset with them but im not, I just have a sort of communication failure. Often those lcose to me can see it even when i try to hide it, quite often my eyes go red in colour whilst im depressed.
 
Remedy said:
Have you ever asked yourself the question whats makes us so shy and how did I get like this?

All the time.

I think the start of it for me was when I got interested in different things than most other kids in school, and didn't hang out with the 'in' crowd. We were a tiny band of social pariahs. And hence it was a laughable thought that I might get a date or something.

I never learned the dating lesson during school, and every day it seems that goal gets further and further away.

It seems to me that as a teenager, dating can be likened to learning a second language and being asked to write a short story about your day.

But as an adult who never wrote that short story, it's like sitting a Mexican immigrant down with a pen and paper and telling him to write, in English, a discourse on the writings of Benjamin Franklin. It's not gonna happen.


And so my own inequities make me shy, which makes them more and more difficult to overcome. And every effort I make to get past them, I seem to fall flat on my face. I can't tell if I'm making progress or not. I think a few more attempts at interacting with the opposite sex should be sufficient to discern a trend toward progress or lack thereof...as it stands my results are varied, though the lean isn't in a positive direction.

I can talk to girls kinda. It's hard but I can do it. I can ask them for their phone number, sometimes, and a couple of times I've had a date. But that's as far as it ever gets, and that's only happened a couple of times so far. After meeting me just once, even those brave adventurous types who take the plunge to go out with inexperienced me seem to be turned away.

And I have no idea why.
 
Brian said:
Remedy said:
Have you ever asked yourself the question whats makes us so shy and how did I get like this?

All the time.

I think the start of it for me was when I got interested in different things than most other kids in school, and didn't hang out with the 'in' crowd. We were a tiny band of social pariahs. And hence it was a laughable thought that I might get a date or something.

I never learned the dating lesson during school, and every day it seems that goal gets further and further away.

It seems to me that as a teenager, dating can be likened to learning a second language and being asked to write a short story about your day.

But as an adult who never wrote that short story, it's like sitting a Mexican immigrant down with a pen and paper and telling him to write, in English, a discourse on the writings of Benjamin Franklin. It's not gonna happen.


And so my own inequities make me shy, which makes them more and more difficult to overcome. And every effort I make to get past them, I seem to fall flat on my face. I can't tell if I'm making progress or not. I think a few more attempts at interacting with the opposite sex should be sufficient to discern a trend toward progress or lack thereof...as it stands my results are varied, though the lean isn't in a positive direction.

I can talk to girls kinda. It's hard but I can do it. I can ask them for their phone number, sometimes, and a couple of times I've had a date. But that's as far as it ever gets, and that's only happened a couple of times so far. After meeting me just once, even those brave adventurous types who take the plunge to go out with inexperienced me seem to be turned away.

And I have no idea why.


:(
what do you mean you can talk to girls kinda though?

basically, what i mean to say is, talking to girls should be the same as talking to guys - unless your only interest is a date :/ and then well - it kinda shows, and noone wants to know the only reason someone is interested in them is bc. they are a girl :/

at least i wouldn't :(

sorry if that came out rant-y, didn't mean it so.
 
packyourbags said:
talking to girls should be the same as talking to guys - unless your only interest is a date :/ and then well - it kinda shows, and noone wants to know the only reason someone is interested in them is bc. they are a girl :/

at least i wouldn't :(

I agree to an extent, though he is interested in a date. I think it's a good idea to just practice talking to girls without an agenda. That way you can become as comfortable talking with them as with a guy; they're not that different.

Well, maybe I'm not the best to give advice on this. I have difficulty talking at all, though I've not always been this way. Most of my conversations in the last few years have been online so I have difficulty responding coherently, and talking out loud =\

Sometimes my accent changes mid-sentence xD
 
what do you mean you can talk to girls kinda though?

What I mean is I can talk to them, but I'm shy and uncomfortable still. And for some reason I run out of things to talk about.

basically, what i mean to say is, talking to girls should be the same as talking to guys - unless your only interest is a date :/ and then well - it kinda shows, and noone wants to know the only reason someone is interested in them is bc. they are a girl :/

If I meet a female professionally or through someone else I know, I can get along fine in a platonic sort of way depending on what sort of person they are (some people just rub me the wrong way, especially in my line of work where politics run high, and certain people are just flat-out looking to motherfuck you for some reason; even I'm out to motherfuck certain people, because they're out to motherfuck me...it's a vicious cycle).


But I guess I don't get it when it comes to dating. I keep hearing that girls don't want to date the people they consider friends first, and my experiences certainly reflect that. So what sort of reasons for talking to someone am I supposed to have if I'm interested in them sexually/romantically? I see a girl I fancy. I talk to her and she's not completely obnoxious.

So the way I see it (at least in theory since this situation very, very rarely even occurs because I more or less live in a box made of routine and habit), from there I can befriend her and just be her friend, or I can flirt with her and try to date her (which I guess, as you put it, is me being interested in her because she's a girl; I'm attracted to her).

Option 2 never works for me because I never went through that process when I was younger. And Option 1 doesn't help me in the case that I'm attracted to her, because in general girls don't date their friends (or so I'm led to believe). I wish it was possible to be friends with a girl and know her before moving on to anything else because to me that seems more sensible and enjoyable. But it has yet to work in the case of women who I already know and am attracted to. I don't even say anything or act any different toward them than I would other people I associate with; yet several times now I've gotten the preemptive "There's no way I'd date Brian" bit. It's a little more indirect than that, but the message is pretty clear.


So what the fresia, you know? I got no idea.

I should probably just stay in my box. Work, come home, work some more, school, eat, sleep. Then I at least have a new excuse when people ask me why I have no girlfriend and look at me funny. "I don't do anything to meet women" sounds a lot better when your life is too busy to do so.
 
Brian said:
what do you mean you can talk to girls kinda though?

What I mean is I can talk to them, but I'm shy and uncomfortable still. And for some reason I run out of things to talk about.

basically, what i mean to say is, talking to girls should be the same as talking to guys - unless your only interest is a date :/ and then well - it kinda shows, and noone wants to know the only reason someone is interested in them is bc. they are a girl :/

If I meet a female professionally or through someone else I know, I can get along fine in a platonic sort of way depending on what sort of person they are (some people just rub me the wrong way, especially in my line of work where politics run high, and certain people are just flat-out looking to motherfuck you for some reason; even I'm out to motherfuck certain people, because they're out to motherfuck me...it's a vicious cycle).


But I guess I don't get it when it comes to dating. I keep hearing that girls don't want to date the people they consider friends first, and my experiences certainly reflect that. So what sort of reasons for talking to someone am I supposed to have if I'm interested in them sexually/romantically? I see a girl I fancy. I talk to her and she's not completely obnoxious.

So the way I see it (at least in theory since this situation very, very rarely even occurs because I more or less live in a box made of routine and habit), from there I can befriend her and just be her friend, or I can flirt with her and try to date her (which I guess, as you put it, is me being interested in her because she's a girl; I'm attracted to her).

Option 2 never works for me because I never went through that process when I was younger. And Option 1 doesn't help me in the case that I'm attracted to her, because in general girls don't date their friends (or so I'm led to believe). I wish it was possible to be friends with a girl and know her before moving on to anything else because to me that seems more sensible and enjoyable. But it has yet to work in the case of women who I already know and am attracted to. I don't even say anything or act any different toward them than I would other people I associate with; yet several times now I've gotten the preemptive "There's no way I'd date Brian" bit. It's a little more indirect than that, but the message is pretty clear.


So what the fresia, you know? I got no idea.

I should probably just stay in my box. Work, come home, work some more, school, eat, sleep. Then I at least have a new excuse when people ask me why I have no girlfriend and look at me funny. "I don't do anything to meet women" sounds a lot better when your life is too busy to do so.



Hey Brian. i think i mis-communicated abit, saying that you are only interested in her as a female. what i meant is not a situation where you meet someone you fancy, and try and initiate something - but people that would hit on anyone, just because... welll female.
and i DO understand why it happens, i know how bad being lonely feels, obviously.

so that's not what i meant.
it's just that either i am indeed a freak and a weirdo - or simply not a female, but in my entire life, i haven't gone out ONCE with a guy that wasn't at least a bit my friend first. i don't see the point. i don't get how you CAN be in a relationship with someone that is NOT your friend!

and yeah, of course i can see why you would not like to talk about your job :/ and come off as a poser :/

((((((((((hug)))))))))

basically, i'm just trying to say that i'm really sorry it's like that, and if i sounded... light, or ignorant, or critical. none of those were in my intention.

i just can't understand it either :(
i wish i did :( but so far i'm with you on the "what the fresia" thing :(
i just hope this world and the people in it will turn out to be that less pathetic and pitiful than what they seem to be now, at some point. because now it makes no sense to me at all :(
 
I guess there's just some people whose personalities are more accepted in today's society, and then... there's us. Shy, clueless about dating because we've been deprived of the opportunity to gain the skills necessary for that. I do still believe it's still up to us to change, if we really wanted to. But yes, that's very, very hard to do.

I believe there's really something very wrong with our society. I don't know if ancient people had these kind of problems, but I think all of these probably started with the Industrial Revolution. Why do I think that? Ever since that Revolution started, we've become so busy with the hourly-waged kind of work, creativity and craftsmanship disappeared with the construction of factories, and with the Internet and the digital age, we've become less interactive with each other on a personal way. I bet if we lived in the past, when all of these things were out of our way, we'd have less problems finding a relationship. What do you guys think?
 
I am 59 and always shy and hard for me to get to know people. So, I think thats why i turned to alcohol cause it gave me courage i didnt really have. So, I married the first girl that would have me and 30 + years later I am still married and as lonely as everyone else. I switched from the alcohol to anti depressents (from a dr) but just kept me from drinking so at least i got rid of the hangovers. I have no idea what the answer is. We all have a wall of denial and excuses but knowing that is no solution. mayby all the pressure from society to have that peerfect relationship is an illusion considering divorce rate. we all also tend to overthink everything and that paralyzes us.


treading water is very hard[/color]
 
Welcome to the site, behindblueeyes! I hope you find some people to talk to or some advice that helps here! :D

Hmmm..yeah, I would argue that the perfect relationship is a myth. No relationship is happy-cuddly fun all of the time, though we are told that from birth. Relationships can be hard work sometimes (most of the time).

I don't know what the answer is, either...but I'm looking for it and I think we're both in the right place to start searching. ^_^

----Steve
 
Hey Guys about Relationships, I am totally in your spot... but the truth of the word is that Dating like socializing if you read my post is another trait to be learned.
I noe this is like scientific and nerdy to an extent, as expected of an EggHead Uni student =P..

but I have been hating myself to the point of depression, and even had thoughts of suicide before, so my word comes from lots of painful experience.

The main thing I would say is to READ Articles, Social Psychology lectures at my university taught me more about relationships than any player friend that i noe of, they picked it up naturally .... good for them.. but for the rest of us, we need to take it into our own initiative to understand what makes relationships happen!

Science Content! U are warned


Okay relationships all start at some base primal level, guys can do-it anywhere anytime, so generally that;s y guys are horny all the time, and the reason why when guys don't get relationships we aren't satisfied at the primal level... like an old one-liner "Sex isn't important unless your not getting any"

For girls they have one chance to carry a kid per month, and they lose 9 months per every kid, they have significantly less chances to pass on their genetic code, and that's the reason why girls are more selective, they are picky about everything, "the general girls" are like that

Now what attracts girls is:
a) the V shape body, it appeals to them because it signals strength, and the fact that the men can protect the girl

b) Self Confidence and Independence, when a guy clings onto the girl, it makes her think that she is the man in the relationship, a natural turn off.

c) Hygene, if a guy takes care of himself, it shows that he is comfortable with himself, and that reflects on self confidence.

d) *** MAIN POIN***a good sense of humour ( matching to the girl's humor) laughter is what makes relationships last

e) being able to be himself, another stitch onto self-confidence

Summary
Anyways i didn't take notes on what guys look for in girls, sry ppl, but the general consensus is SELF CONFIDENCE.

This is the reason why bad-ass, dick-heads get girls while the nice guys don't... the ******** are full of themselves, and full of confidence which is the natural turn on for girls..

Tho this may seem unfair, its the Truth! Self-Confidence is the key player here, and as fellow dudes we have to build on it to Appeal. but DON"T turn into an *******, you don't need to be an ******* to get a girl, just confidently let your self shine, every guy has a girl, your Individuality is your key, find the lock (girl) that fits you. No innuendo implied =P

Me
I used to be so shy that just brushing a girls hand would make me happy and ecstatic, when a girl talked to me, i'd just blank out and stare (i noe creepy) , but it takes time to get comfortable to girls, i talk to my mom (level 0, since Badjedidude says moms don't count =P) talked to a girl i had no attraction to, and then i slowly built it up,,,, theses things take time and dedication to learn, if you didn't get it naturally, you have to step up and learn it, life won't change if you stay static, you have to go out and get what you want.

Eureka moment anyone?
Hope this was informative.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top