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K

Kris

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Hey guys,

My name is Kris and yeah I get lonely especially after my wife left me 7 months ago and put me through some real nasty mental manipulation like leaving me with mixed messages and confusing me as to the state of our relationship.

I have a 2 yr old daughter who i only get to see for 2 hours every 2 weeks because of her decision to separate.

I use MSN Messenger a lot so if anyone wants to chat my email is [email protected]

Cheers
 
Hey Kris, nice to see another soul who ended up in a caring community.

I might be a little too young and unexperienced to be able to chat about something that i don't fully understand (marriage and children), so i'm gonna let You decide if i'm a good candidate to do so with. I choose my pen-pals carefully myself and that's why i'm stalling a little here. My presentations-thread is here.
 
Right now I feel suicidal. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this, nor risk going through things like this. I am considering a quick way that won't hurt.

It's no ones fault I guess.

sorry
 
Oh no You don't. You stay the hell out from thoughts like those and listen to what we have to say. We want You here and You sure as hell are gonna stay with us until we're done with You. You're gonna read and think about every single word below until You understand that they all actually are true.

It doesn't matter who's fault it is, You have the power to do whatever You want, right now. Ending Your life is the worst thing You could do to both Yourself and Your daughter. Feeling as bad as You do right now is a proof that You truly loved what You had very much. Even after what what Your daughter's mother did to You, You owe Yourself and Your daughter to take care of this fall and get back up again, and that's something You are gonna do once You understand it is possible. She loves You, You love her and when things like these happen You have to adapt to the new crap and make something good out of it. No matter how crappy You feel right now You can always get out of it and feel much better than You even did before this happened.

You know what, Kris? I envy You. You have someone very, very special to live for who's gonna love You no matter what happens. You had a life which got taken away from You and now You can shape it into whatever the heck You want meanwhile. There are so many people around the world, every day, who get to feel what You feel right now and half of them are gonna get up and start doing something with their lives while the rest aren't even gonna have one. There are many peeps at this forum forum alone who feel sorry enough for You for You to do the most lame and weak thing a human ever could do. My words can't slap You in the face to try and knock this beast of sorrow You have inside You out for good, but they CAN tell You the truth about life. A big one of those thruths are that You have given life to a young girl who's gonna miss having the best dad in the world around once in a while; her own. You get to see her enough to let her know that You love her, and that is the most important thing You could do to her. You need to get up and start doing things You and enjoy and try new things as well to find a better lifestyle.

Meanwhile she's growing up to become a woman, You're gonna start following a pattern which is gonna get You right again. As she get older she's gonna have the choice to be with You more and more and of course she's gonna want to do that! Mom just keeps complaining about her new boyfriends and why her hair looks like that, while her cool dad teach her good values about relationships and why it is cool to be Yourself. Are You that dad right now? If You aren't, You are gonna turn into one!

After a mental meltdown like the one popping Your brains out at this very moment, the thoughts and powers in there are restless and are trying to settle down in a new spot which makes sense to them. You have the devine privilege to change into a person You've always wanted to be and nobody can charge You for being stupid for that; they're gonna be happy that You changed Your mind, Your goals and probably even much of Your personality. Where do You think those weird folkes who natively are from some industrial country with shaven heads and a kimono around them sitting in a tailors-position You see on TV come from? They are people who had some major trauma in their lives and had to do something drastic to change!

If You try to be the best that You can be life is gonna smile at You for staying alive. You have been living like this for seven months now it seems and i suppose You, as i, find out oustanding that You've actually come this far! What exactly have You done to keep it up? You must have done something new?

You have a choice here, Kris; You can either listen to the evil ******* within You who wants You dead, or You can kick the honeysuckle out of it for trying to take You away from Your daughter. I get so PISSED OFF at ******** like the one You have inside Your head; they always intrude at the worst of times and won't get out until You get enlighted. By trying to get up and doing new, friendly stuff to Yourself and people around You, You are going to understand that You still got the power to spread love and improve both Yourselve's and other's life alot.

Reaching this form of enlightenment is going to start a fire in the middle of Your soul which is going to stop the other, evil side of it to go any closer to the right part of it; Your heart, destroying the most beautiful thing in the world. You can stop the fire with fire, and when that fire has burnt the bad honeysuckle out, there's gonna grow a forest there which is gonna be even more spectacular than the one You saved on the other side of Your soul. This is going to be the new Kris, torn by the devil for seven months and then prevailing against the god of death. Of course You are gonna be tired after a fight like that so You should take it easy for a while and let love sing it's choirs.

You don't have to eat some pills, read a book, or crawl in the cealing to get better, Kris. Buy a plant, see it grow into something beautiful thanks to Your love. Enjoy the sun in a park half a day just to try how it feels. Something i've said so many times in this forum so far that it's growing to quite a big pile now, is that You need to change track! Get off the cart in the current rollercoaster which ain't going anywhere and get on a new one which only leads up.

I want to see a new Kris be born and take on the world the way he want to be. What i don't want to see is a Kris who bail under due to the fact that the world isn't how he wants it to be. You are life, Kris. You are supposed to live and do crazy stuff that makes You happy to try to improve it at all times!

Change Your life drastically instead of ending it drastically! Come on, Kris! Show me that You are strong and scream the crap out of that ***** inside You who want You to follow it to the flames of hell! It's ok to shout all of a sudden, becuase You are changing track; leaving the logics of the old one and joining forces with the track which is going to lead You to salvation. You might not see where the track leads, but it sure as hell is much better than sitting on some kart in a rusty, slow, boring track, isn't it?

This has nothing to do with god or some crap like that. Love is much stronger! Hear my call and tell me that You are listening to the very same force that created Your child instead of the evil force that can do the opposit! You gave Love, Love gave You back, now i'm giving You love which is going to spread and show every ******* on this planet that love can not be beaten by some sorry old scare-tactics hatred planted in You.
 
Hi Kris,

I agree with Robin--suicide is NOT the answer!!!! Your 2 year old needs you in his or her life!!!! Imagine that child growing up depressed and miserable, perhaps even killing him or herself when they are older, because of you?!!!!

That is not fair. Suicide is the ultimate of selfish acts.

Hang in there. You don't know what life holds in the cards for you. You don't know if your ex will come around and grant you more custody. Heck maybe she would die in a car accident next week--then where would your baby be without you?!!!!

Seriously, please just stick around through the pain for your child if not for yourself.
 
Hi Kris-
I hope you are feeling better since you posted last. Unlike lonelygirl, I don't think suicide is selfish. You don't have to think that contemplating it makes you a bad person.

I'm a bit out of my depth here, but I really suggest you go to this website, which was kindly posted early by pard. It's a great site, and very thought-provoking.


http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
 
Hi Elae,

I wasn't trying to make Kris feel guilty. I just think that if you have a young child, and commit suicide because life is rough, then yes, you are being selfish. Children need, ideally, two loving parents to get a good start in life. Having a parent commit suicide, especially if not because they are dying of a painful disease or something, would be incredibly devastating to a child, no?
 
I have surfaced for now. I know my problem is I hold the expectations and opinions of others too high for me to be able to cope with.

Sure my life really sucks and who knows I might be better off dead, but I am not going down without a fight and let people get the better of me. If I am to live, then I will live regardless of what people think of me. I am taking ownership of this life, my life and no longer will people rip me to pieces.

I am still going through feelings of suicide but it ain't my fault. I don't see how it could be my fault.

For now I will live. I do thank you for responding - I am really on the edge here but your responses have helped.
 
Hi Kris,

Please, if you ever feel you need help, PM one of us and give us your number. If you are feeling desperate and need to talk, we are all here to support you.

I am so glad to hear that you are NOT going down without a fight. Like that song, "I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're NEVER gonna keep me down!" Keep fighting the good fight! Feeling suicidal is not your fault. Acting on it would be your fault. If you really feel that way deeply you need some help. There is no shame in your game. Life is tough and there are times when we all feel extremely low. But know that if you feel that way, it's not necessarily a 'true' feeling--your mind can play tricks on you. Low serotonin can make a person feel like absolute honeysuckle. It is your responsibility to your child and to yourself to go and ask for some antidepressants from your town's emergency room or crisis center if you really feel that you are going to take action.

Hugs!!!
 
Kris said:
I have surfaced for now. I know my problem is I hold the expectations and opinions of others too high for me to be able to cope with.

Sure my life really sucks and who knows I might be better off dead, but I am not going down without a fight and let people get the better of me. If I am to live, then I will live regardless of what people think of me. I am taking ownership of this life, my life and no longer will people rip me to pieces.

I am still going through feelings of suicide but it ain't my fault. I don't see how it could be my fault.

For now I will live. I do thank you for responding - I am really on the edge here but your responses have helped.

This is exactly what i was waiting for. You can hate life all You want and try to make it better Your way, with time, but hatred is stronger than depression and it is a good way to start kicking back the bastards that chew on Your soul. Scare them out with hatred and replace them with love.
 
I was born in 1983, in 1985 my parents separated and my father overdosed on sleeping tablets.

Primary school and High School 1989-2001 was my daily intake of bullying, pushing, teasing, tripped over, target practice. I was the one always kicked out of social groups and left without friends. Since then I have never been able to trust people and I have huge issues making friends. However I did excel in my studies because I had nothing else to be proud of. I was placed in the top 91.4% of students in my state. I made programs for other students to use and I raised the flag every day voluntarily. I used to raise the Australian flag while rocks were thrown at me.

I remember one incident when I was 14 when a boy teased me all day, in every class and during every recess break. His locker was next to mine, and while he was in the middle of teasing me one day I burst, and within a split second my hand was clenched around his throat and I said "Stop".

After high school I started Uni - 2002, and I began to embrace Nazism and Racism because it gave me a false sense of belonging. That phase lasted about 5-6 months. I am not a racist anymore.

I met a girl on the internet and we got married not long after - 2004, didn't know each other well and weren't really ready for it. She sought me because she was depressed and seeking to replace her problems with a new relationship. I didn't know any better.

One year into marriage we had a baby girl - 2005.

Not long after having a baby I became very depressed with my job and my home situation and started to isolate myself from everyone. I didn't know how to be a dad and it scared me. I lost a lot of potential friends and family because I pushed people away - so depressed I couldnt handle my emotions and people interpreted my behaviour as too rude for them, so they left me be.

In November 2006 my wife left me (for the 5th time in 2006) this time for good. Took our baby, the car and most of our furniture. I had to use a credit card to buy new furniture.

I almost spent Christmas 2006 alone in a house without a christmas tree - nor any love. Luckily my sister was in my area and invited me to lunch on Christmas day at her sister in law's house.

Past Christmas into early January 2007 I went through severe physical depression and without medicine, I didn't shower much, didn't eat vegetables or fruit and lived off packeted or take away food. I slept for 2 hours a day if that, somedays I didn't sleep at all. I also left my job because I couldn't handle the depression. I got to see my daughter once a week for 1 hour and I didn't know to speak to a solicitor.

On February 15th I got myself together as best I could and tried to make contact with my wife. She returned my calls, and we became close for a short period time. However she then without reason placed an intervention order on me, so if i called her or my daughter I would goto jail. I believe the (Australian) law was used as a weapon against me so she could move on. My mother finally came and helped me seek out a solicitor.

In March my landlord sold my rental property and I was forced to move out. Without enough money or transportation I was forced to move in with Mum, (from the city - to the country). At every occasion - court cases where I saw my wife she was with another man.

Just last week I got a new job in the country. I went about my job as anyone would expect. There was a girl in admin where I worked who flirted with me and took a lot of interest in me. I reacted carefully and returned the small conversation - just friendly chat. I invited her for a coffee last Thursday she said sure, come in on Friday (yesterday) and we would decide a time. I came into work on Friday and we tried to organise a time but she got very busy - she seemed very keen still. She said she would call me during my shift to talk.

Two hours went by and no call. I decided to call her and before I could get a word in she said no coffee, and that we were only going to be friends. The fact that she wasn't going to go for coffee didn't affect me, it was the fact that she did exactly what my wife did, lead me on and then very quickly broke me down.

The same day (yesterday) my manager offered me a secured hours position in store security (retail) (i normally work a few hours in sales - tv's / pc's). I fear working in security but I need money to attempt to acquire a new car and pay off the credit cards I am left with no choice. Theres not many jobs in the country town.

I am emotionally unstable and security guard work could be dangerous for me right now. However what choice do I have?

My name is Kris,

-I have no friends
-I have a partially dysfunctional family that cant support me a great deal
-I may be forced to work in a position that I don't want and is scaring the hell out of me
-I have failed so much of my accounting degree and it isn't complete, I have deferred this year because i cant handle it
-I hardly get to see my little girl and I miss her lots.
-I have felt like society is looking down at me the whole time

About 3 times a day I go through strong urges to kill myself. I believe I will probably step out in front of a train. It happens a lot around here. Today when I was driving in my mother's car alone I felt like hitting a tree very hard.

I have attached a picture of me and my daughter on her 2nd Birthday. I didn't sleep the night before. I traveled 3 hours to see my girl. I had 1.5 hours with her before my wife's mother started arguing with me in front of my little girl. Not only that, at the same time my wife came within 200 meters of me. If I stayed I would have been breaking the law. I traveled my 3 hours home and cried - cried hard.

I don't know how much longer I am going to be able to hold on, I feel like I am in my last days of my life. I am not scared of death for I feel like I have seen it already, and that my time is limited.

I wont go down without a fight as I said before, but I don't know if I can fight this one.
 

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