The truth as I have experienced it.

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Cwo5

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Friends of the board, this is not a rant as much as it is a declaration of the acceptance of my truth. What I am saying is either an objective fact, or it is how I have experienced and observed my particular reality.

Facts:
I am 36 years old.
I have been divorced for 6 years, and I don’t have kids or a girlfriend.
During these 6 years I have spent nearly every waking moment alone, other than when on public transportation or attending classes at the university I attend.
I have not had sex or physical contact with a woman in any way shape or form for 6 years. I am dead serious.
Everyone in my family is dead, my brother being the only living person I can call ‘family’ and he has a family of his own.


Observations and Experience

I rarely hear a piece of cracker barrel advice that I have not heard in the past, so I won’t detail all the quick fix solutions we all probably hear or have heard.

Look, here is the truth as I know it. When a person reaches a certain age, their opportunities for companionship and friendship start to diminish. I submit this to the audience; I have noticed most persons from their mid 20’s to late 50’s are busy raising a family, and are too wrapped up in their own lives and spouses, and girl/boyfriends to spend any real time with anyone else. Basically I am saying that a person my age usually gets the majority of their social and human contact needs from a spouse or girl/boyfriend. Therefore, they have limited time, or motivation to spend with their single friends, if they have any.

There is only so much a person can do to bring good opportunities into their life. In other words we are not in control of the circumstances that provide us the real opportunity for the things we need in life. The best we can do is to put ourselves in positive situations and hope for the best by trying to make it work for us. But if nothing happens, then at least we tried. There is an urban or modern legend that states we are somehow in control of the things that happen to us. All someone has to do is read the book of Job in the Bible to figure out and to see that so much of our life is not in our control.

If one attends church, volunteers, or even dates occasionally… fine. However here is the hard truth about the situation. These activities are only momentary fixes, that are good while they last, but after an hour or two you are back to where you were before. You still go to sleep alone, eat alone, wake up alone, and spend the majority of your time trying to distract yourself from sinking into depression or to fill the void in your life with work, hobbies, or some other solo activity.

I am not interested or inclined to defend the way I feel or my experience. I personally challenge anyone who can experience real, honest to goodness mind numbing loneliness and not be affected to respond as such.

When I say real loneliness, I refer to spending years alone. Not 6 months, or even a year at a time. Years. Most people never spend this type of time alone until they are elderly, and no one has time for them.

Let's be honest with each other here. Most people, bounce from relationship to relationship, even after a divorce. Honestly, I can't remember how many people I have known that are already having sex or are shacked up with someone during the seperation period before the court appointed divorce even happens for crying out loud.

The type of loneliness I am writing about just doesn’t go away, or get easier, it wears you down.
 
I was with my wife for 9 years, and the marriage ended mainly because of mental illness. Mine.
 
I agree with most everything you say. I found when I was young and single I had many, many friends because, well, everyone else I hung out with was young and single. Now I am 40, married with children most people my age are also busy with family life and unable to socialize. The ones who are single (that I know of) are single moms who are busy with their children and especially can't socialize because they would a) need to get a sitter b) need to pay for said sitter, both of which are difficult as a single parent.

I'm in the same boat, or I should say nearly the same boat - I'm a single parent because the military stole my husband away from me for 15 months. This may not seem long when you've been single for 6 years, but with children to care for on my own, it's a long time.

You had me thinking about the church and volunteer thing, it's true about it being simply a temporary fix. I imagine this will be the rest of my life... temporary socializing if any at all. Sad!
 
Thanks for saying so muffin. I have tried very hard to distill the truth from what just is personal bias and isolated experience.
 
If we don't get out there and better our self's how could we ever expect to experience a better life. Myself I lost my common-law wife and have been miserable ever sense. I have dated on and off with no luck. I finally found a girl I was into and she seemed into me. She agreed to date and six hours later called it off. Just my luck. I imagine that's just life.

I think you could agree that life with a partner is better than a life with out. All i've experienced in the last year of my life is loss, I lost my son, I lost my girl, I lost my home and all of my friends. It's all gone leaving me to question "how has it come to this?" I'm speaking literally in all of my loss.

I guess your post just bugs me because it sounds like you've just given up hope. You know it is true what they say, life's about how many hits you can take and keep moving forward. It makes us who we are. That's how we win by not giving up. I'm sorry if I'm ranting a little just life has been beating me down hard lately and I feel un-settled about it. But how could you ever just lose hope, and not push on? It's just hard to hear because there's nothing I fear more in this life than spending it alone. If you volunteer you could meet friends, you share interests with you, they obviously are there because they have spare time as well. It could grow into friendship or maybe more. In school your mates share your interests, you can meet people there. Online dating never worked for me, But new people join every day so who am I to say it wouldn't happen? Working out is a long time dedication, you feel good, you look good. It improves life, even a lonely one. Join a gym with lots of people eventually you could make a friend. I made a friend at the gym I go to, it's nice to meet new people.

The ultimate goal for everyone on this forum is to be with one they can love. For those know what love really is you know why they are after this. I've only ever loved twice. So many give up, So many surrender to the emptiness. Why...why..why...How can you be afraid of change when anything would be better than the life your leading. Your over weight, I was...I lost it. Everyone possesses the strength to do it. Pursue hobbies, This is not just a minor filler. It's an interest. You can't go through life waiting for the person to complete you, and when they do come and find you have no motivation, no interests, only self pity why would they stay? That's why you gotta get out there...that's why you have to do everything to the fullest, even on your own. I refuse to ever give up hope, and I hope everyone on this forum would feel the same.

Again sorry just bad night, had to rant.
 
CWo, you have hit a very sensitive timeframe to deal with MLS.

You are quite perceptive about the relation of socializing at that age, when the most "attractive to select" women are taken, leaving the remainder scurrying about to find the "most ideal male" they can think of.

Unfortunately, what this means is even the mediocre women are passing up the "plain average Joe" in droves.

This is precisely why MLS will not go away anytime soon in our fickle fem-centric society.

Dr. Morlenheim
 

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