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mikenyc352

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Hi all,

My name is Mike.  I am 30 years old and I live in NYC and I am here looking for advice and friends b/c my life has currently taken a turn toward the lonely and at certain times (like now) it really gets me down.  You see my life has gotten really pathetic. I spent my teens getting over the fact that I am gay. I finally got a group of friends, got over my depression and met someone. Of course the dumb fresia I met got himself in a “To Catch a Predator” like sting. He got arrested, my friends dropped the two of us like hotcakes and now the only job he could find has him working opposite hours to me. Of course, being the dumbfuck I am this all took me completely off guard.  Why am I still with him you ask. Because I can’t give up on the 8 years I invested in him. I am freakin cursed moron. God sometimes I hate me life.  Any advice?
 
Hi Mike-

There are a lot of great guys out there, especially in a huge city like New York. Deep down, do you really want to stay with someone like the person you described?

Don't think of leaving him as giving up or losing the time you invested in the relationship. You still have all the memories and all the things you learned about yourself during that time. Moving on will be the next stage of your life, and you can view it as building on what you've already done and been through, not just abandoning your past or losing the investment you made in those 8 years.

It sounds like this guy was your first love or first serious relationship. That's a hard thing to move away from, but not everything lasts for ever.

Hang in there, and do what you think is right for you. Maybe you can reunite with some of your old friends in time.

Welcome to the forum. :)
 
Thank you for the input.

Yeah, he did something really wrong. I know he did but in everything else our relationship has always been good. In many ways this is why it has thrown me for such a loop. Everything was going so well in my life beforehand. It has been a year and 1/2 since this all happened so I don't think the friends are coming back. He is in counseling now and I really feel what he did was a aberration from his true character. Maybe I am an idiot but I still love him. Its not that there aren't other guys out there, its just I only ant him. I don't kno. I just feel like our relationship deserves the opportunity to be fixed. what do you think?
 
Mike, the issue you that you have is not love; it is trust. You need to decide if you still trust your partner, and if you don't, if you will ever be able to trust him again.

Every person has limits- there are things that they cannot accept, cannot forgive, or cannot deal with. You need to determine if what he has done is something that has gone beyond your limits, because if it has you will not be able to ever trust him again. You cannot have any sort of healthy relationship without trust, no matter how much you love someone.

The fact that you are still dealing with this a year and a half later suggests that you do not trust him. If you think there is a chance that you might be able to forgive him and trust him again, then you might want to consider couple's therapy. This will help you determine whether or not you can move past what he did. If it turns out that you can't, you should leave.

Don't stay in a relationship with someone that you can't forgive and don't trust. It will lead to nothing but unhappiness for both of you.
 
No you are totally right. I think the two of us should go to counseling. In the meantime I have just become such a hermit since this all happened. i was always a bit on the homebody side b4 but i had a group of friends to hang out with. Now that has changed and I am spending a lot of time alone. Excuse my winefest before btw. I am just having a bad day and am feeling a bit lonely. I don't really have many people to talk about this stuff with. I need to find a way to meet people and create friendships but I guess I kind of have a social phobia. The embarasment with this whole thinkg with him hasn't helped either. I guess I really just need to get off my ass and stop coplaining and just do something. It is jus that is easier said then done. TY for being a sounding board btw.
 
Hi Mike,

I think Elae gave you great advice. If this guy loved you so much, why was he trolling for underage boys? What does that say about his morals?

Sometimes the smartest thing to do in a relationship is walk away.
 
He made a mistake. Granted it was a huge mistake but I think he has learned from it. I don't thnk his intention was to actualy have sex. In the transcripts of the conversations he said as much. I think he ot caught up in the fantasy and anonymity of the internet chat. Whenit comes down to it, I still love him very deeply and outside of the fact of its hge change in my life and the friendships I have our relationship still has value. If this mistake was ongoing I would leave but I am willing to forgive him this mistake. I don't think I am making a mistake but it is possible. I didn't think I was making a mistake the first time. I mean I wouldn't stay with him if I thought it was taking away more from my life than it waas adding. Maybe I am being self delusional. I really don't know anymore.
 
Mike- I really think couple's therapy is the way for you to go, especially if can have both joint and individual sessions.

You are very conflicted about this, which is perfectly natural. You really need to determine if you can move past this or if you need to leave him. The sooner you figure that out, the sooner your life can get back on track.

In the mean time, I think you should get out and do something. Ask a coworker or a neighbor if they want to have coffee or go to a movie with you sometime (not a date, just any person you think you might get along with as casual friends). It sounds like part of your problem is that you are very isolated. You might need to get out and start experiencing other people again before you can look at your situation through clear eyes. I know you said you have a social phobia, but try putting yourself out there.
 

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