Why are you a loner?

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BornMisfit

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Do you not fit in? If so then why? Or is it that you don't like people; why? Is there some other reason? I'm interested to know.

Personally I've never fitted in. For some reason I was born misfit. When I was a small child I had a highly developed mind that was much more like the way an adult thinks, so I couldn't relate to the other kids at all and spent my entire childhood pretending to fit in so I'd be accepted; but it was all fake on my part. As I got older I felt more and more detached from the human race in general, almost as though I was alien on this planet, because no-one seemed to be like me at all, and I've never been able to understand or connect with human motivations, or greed, or violence, or why people do what they do, or even why they're so obsessed with TV soap operas and other mundanities. I can only relate to the deeper feelings; the love, compassion, joy, etc, which I've always felt so much more strongly than ordinary people. All this is why I'm a loner; I simply can't related to, or connect with, the human race or society in general - it feels like poison to me and so I avoid it - I feel more content away from it. I have certainly had a few very special dear friends (and husband) in the past who were also like me, so I know I can form deep bonds with my kindred, but we're very rare, so currently I know no-one. But it's not so bad. Personally I prefer to be alone rather than have to cope with dealing with non-kindred 'friends' in my life, as I find it very stressful and I have to be fake, otherwise they find me too freaky. So please explain why YOU are a loner? Thanks for sharing.
 
speech impediment when i was younger, that didnt become manageable until i was in 5th grade. anxiety caused me to talk to fast and didnt pronounce words properly. i talked a lot as a kid too.

jehovah witnesses until the age of 9 when i moved. didnt associate with worldly children, only other kids from the religion. didnt celebrate holidays... school sucked, not making friends cause i wasnt allowed, being pulled out of class for speech therapy and tutoring, not participating in holiday events.

moved... no friends, at all.

i was pretty popular after two years from the move though. but then the teen years started. oh my... lol
 
My story is very similar to that of BornMisfit. My case was aggravated by the fact that I grew up far out in the countryside, which more or less isolated me for the first two decades of my life and caused me to develop no social skills whatsoever. Unlike BornMisfit I was never able to fake being "normal", so school was a terror. I'm fairly content being alone most of the time, but my inability to relate to other people is of course a hindrance in the inevitable situations where I have to deal with them. I've become better at faking, but I don't have the energy to do it for longer than say half an hour or so.
 
wasnt allowed to go to friends houses when i was younger due to my physical disability, had surgeries every summer as a child. It's just snowballed from there I think.

Now I'm afraid of people hurting me and I dont know how to connect to people offline.
 
SophiaGrace said:
wasnt allowed to go to friends houses when i was younger due to my physical disability, had surgeries every summer as a child. It's just snowballed from there I think.

Now I'm afraid of people hurting me and I dont know how to connect to people offline.

I wasn't allowed out either, but I don't know why.

I wasn't allowed to talk much when my dad was around, and my eldest brother kept that going after he died, so I learned to be quiet and I'm still the same today. I don't really know how to be around people and be comfortable.
 
I'm not exactly sure but I think there's a couple reasons.. I have light Tourette's Syndrome, now that I'm older you wouldn't notice but as a child in elementary school I was made fun of for that sometimes, not that much though. I think it was just enough to keep me from really becoming popular, you know, I did have friends but they weren't very close, and I didn't properly learn to be social and everything.
As a result, I didn't have friends in high school for the first couple of years. People generally think I'm nice though, so I got along with people pretty well. The problem was that I didn't do anything with em outside of school, and still don't, because they're just not really friends, just people I hang out with at school.
And I didn't do much else either outside school, apart from sports, and I've somehow never found someone I really liked in a sports team I was in.
So.. I guess that's one reason, I just never did much. And it's probably also because of this that I'm now really shy, and therefore still don't do anything.

Other reason is that I have depression, also because of lack of contact and some other things. It's kind of a vicious circle. And lastly there is that I'm really picky and that I don't mind being alone that much compared to others. I still do though :S
 
I have always been different from the rest. I can help friends through stuff but I am always looking at it from the outside. No matter what I do to get onto the other side of the fence I always end up tripping and falling on my face. I hold all of this inside of me. No one around me actually realizes what I go through. They see the smile on my face but not the warring emotions within. People call me cool. They think I have a handle on everything. I put on a mask for everyone to see. No one has seen through it although some have gotten faint glimpses. I have to fake that that's true because there is no one else that they can hold onto as an example. So I have to fake my strength so that my sisters can be strong and so that my friends do not lose hope. That is all my life ever seems to be.
I feel that even if I can get a relationship I can hold onto it. It wouldn't be fair to whoever that girl is. I can't always be there. When I go into the military I do not want some poor girl back home waiting for a letter saying that I'm sorry but I'm not coming back. I will not put any woman I care about through that. It is better if they think me a jerk and a lone wolf that to hurt them. I do not fear my death. I don't want anyone else to either. For this I walk alone. Its just better for everyone involved.


Aedammair
 
In my early childhood I was a hell of a lot more social than later, starting with the teen years. I still can't understand what caused it to change. Granted, I was constantly teased at school because of wearing glasses, and I really took it to heart back then, maybe that's when I started to lose my confidence. I always had a very strong need for friends, but real, very close friends, with whom I would resonate, bit of the 'soulmate' stuff you know, not just any generic bunch of pals. I had, or I thought I had one at school, but she kind of dumped me for another, cooler one, later. I had another very good friend later in the university, but now we rarely ever see each other, it's not really the same as before. Strangely, both of them are extremely social, a total opposite of me in this respect. And yet, with the second friend especially, it felt so right, like we just fit together so well. Currently, I have a couple of friends here and there, but not that close and we never hang out together or anything. And I feel so **** lonely because of it. It's no use pretending I don't need anyone because I do. But it's hard to make new friends, those with whom I would 'click' are rare, I was lucky to have any before. They were all somewhat on the 'weird', geeky side, what else would you expect from someone who used to read every book relating to astronomy or the paranormal as a young kid?
I'm rather socially awkward, though not as shy as before, and I can keep up a 'normal' conversation when it's my lucky day, but it's nearly always a tough work, no relaxation whatsoever. In truth, I hate small talk and regular convo stuff (about job, money and such) with a passion, I just make attempts at it to come off as normal. Notice I didn't mention anything about a relationship? That is another weird-ass thing about me, as long as I got friends I care about, I don't even think twice about a boyfriend. In fact, that is the only thing I actually want a boyfriend for - to be my best friend and soulmate. Not for sex and certainly not for making children. It's not very likely I'll meet such a person though I guess while one is alive, there is hope.
 
I think it all began in elementary/middle school. I was hyper and a class clown before then but around the time I became really shy and reserved... probably due to weight gain and a horrible fashion sense. Picture a really pudgy kid with a bowl cut in nylon gym pants and WWF attitude t-shirts (This is all I'd wear.) I was made fun of some but for the most part I was just ostracized. This predicament fueled so many problems I still deal with today... lack of feeling like a "sexual being", low self esteem, extreme self-awareness, hypersensitivity, inability to feel like apart of a group of people, etc.
 
I have discovered through practice that loners have several attributes present, and heavily promoted from within their psyche:

1. A superiority complex.

2. Deprived of meaningful social interaction during formative years.

3. Having experienced a traumatic pyschological event/s during formative years.

4. Having a desire to remain isolated due to familiarity.

Dr. Morlenheim
 
Perhaps Doc, very plausible. But I disagree with #4, while they do want to stay in the 'comfort zone', I would really struggle to say that they have a DESIRE to stay in such circumstances. And superiority? Well I can see that but I would not say it is an all encompassing complex. Surely you dont feel superior being lonely, I'd say its superior in the sense that sometimes people may think they are too different from the rest and so give off the aura of being so.

EDIT: Oh, and as for me. I feel like a 'loner' because I feel like I do not think on the same wavelength as the people around me save a certain few (who interestingly are lonely as well). I have a decent amount of friends, certainly more than most, but it actually adds to the loneliness knowing you're surrounded physically, but not emotionally. Its something I dont really comprehend yet. :/
 
I am successful.
I have good friends.
I am not shy talking with girls.
I am not shy talking to a stranger.
I don't like money very much and i think life isn't about money.
I talk with a lot of ppl during the day.
I am not selfish and i like helping ppl a lot.
I am good at jokes and i can make ppl happy and keep them laughing.
And i am still lonely and can't have a girlfriend. And i feel like it is forbidden for me to have a girlfriend.
I have never been in loved and felt love. I don't want sex , i just want a kiss from a girl , and someone who during the day will call me and ask me how i feel.
:(
 
A lot of my issues I know stem from my mother. Hooray for mommy-issues. I never learned to trust my feelings with others, to feel worthwhile or good enough. I always felt so insecure and having an abusive mother really didn't help that. I'm very closed off. Initially I can come off as fun and goofy but it's like I can't get beyond that to show my real self. I don't let anyone in, I'm so afraid of being judged or people finding out that I'm a mess and just don't have it all together. I shy away from commitments and making plans because I never know how I'm going to feel each day... I just feel so insecure and inferior to people. I feel like I'm not put together enough, not thin enough, not smart enough, not polished enough.... I live in the big city now and I'm still always feeling like a backwoods northern Wisconsin girl that I grew up as... I don't relate well to other people, especially woman...
 
As a child, up to post High School, I think a lot of my loner mentality stemmed from medical reasons. I have a Growth Hormone Deficiency, and took steroids up until age 16. I was pretty much the perpetual 'runt' and gym class was horrific for me, the beatings and mockery pretty much carried me throughout elementary school. I also have a lazy eye which didn't really help with self-esteem.

I didn't make my first real friend until the 5th grade and he was constantly teased and picked on as well so we bonded pretty much on that level. My parents also terrified me into remaining hidden from others through a developed sense of everyone is a sinner and associating yourself with them would lead to possible religious stigma. I abandoned my faith at 15 and lost a lot the few friends i had then. Aside from that and being shy, I didn't date at all through High School, and met my first Girlfriend (later to be my wife) through Yahoo Personals. She's extremely misanthropic, which is probably not healthy for either of us. However, I have bonded with some of her friends and talk to them on occassion.

I still have a lot of feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy to meet the expectations of people in general. I am usually ecstatic to meet someone, but it usually is revealed that meeting them is a simple formality of social niceties and when the opportunity to avoid me arises, they will undoubtedly take it.
 
It seems that as a child, I never learned any social skills or how to express myself like other people can. I went to the same school for 10yrs with mostly the same classmates. But none of them ever got to know me and I never had any friends at all. As a kid, I was just mute. I never said anything, ever. I don't know really why I ended up being that way. While everyone socialized with each other and developed great friendships, I always just naturally remained by myself without much thought.

It wasn't until high school that I realized how weird I'd always been and how terrible my social skills were. But even with this realization, I really haven't changed much. I've at least learned how to make eye contact and have small talk (which I couldn't even do at all before high school), but I'm still a loner and I still cannot make friends.

Not ever having friends, has made me feel like no one would ever want to be friends with me. Because of my extreme shyness, I can't ever open up and get comfortable around people. Therefore, I believe that people must think I'm so boring since I don't talk a lot. Someone who just sits there and doesn't really talk much isn't fun to be around. But I'm also scared that if I actually did open up to someone, they would think I'm really weird and not want to be friends with me. I often feel like I don't have that much in common with people, which of course makes it even more difficult to find a friend.
 
26 days after i turned 18 I moved away from my homecity,family and my friends. Becouse i was offered a well paying job and now i have been alone in this city for three years. First year i lived in a trailer and in a barrack. there were only russian and polish workers and i dont know a single word of their language so i just were in my room or in my trailer. there were no internet so i didn't be in touch with my former friends and i still dont. sometimes there has been weeks when i havn't said a single word out loud becouse there hasn't been no-one to talk and it drives me crazy. three years and i have only one friend who is btw good friend of mine, and he is married and kind of dont have time to me, or i dont want to disturb them. I have only 12 days of work per month. So i have all the time in the world to make friends. But i just cant make them. I'm a christian and i used to visit church in youth nights..But i didnt get any friends from there. I dont know how to be friends with someone new.last 6 months i have been engaged with the woman i love but she cant fill the part in me which need to be filled with true friends. i dont know how to leave this city. i know i dont have any friends left anywhere. I became loner becouse i was offered money.

sorry for bad grammar.
 
Hey just wanted to say that your story is exactly like mine BornMisfit, and I am not just simply saying that. To this day I seem to be still losing touch with society's intentions and general feelings. Everyday or almost everyday I seem to be losing a little bit of empathy and feelings toward mass society. Its even worse no since im in college now, no one talks and if the class talks I dont talk back, because I know that they will never understand me. Maybe it was the lose of my mother at 9 years old that triggered something.
 
I was never really a 'loner' until I started university. In high school, I didn't have a huge group of friends or anything, but the ones I had were really great friends, so it didn't really matter.
I decided to go to a university where I didn't know anyone, and I assumed that I would just make new friends. Pretty much everyone I know who goes/went to university made a bunch of really good friends, so I wasn't nervous about that at all.
So basically, I met a ton of people, but never really became friends with anyone. There were two people who I thought I could be friends with, but then I introduced them to each other, and now they don't really talk to me anymore. We used to go to supper together every night, but then they stopped telling me when they were going/coming to get me or whatever : / I mean, the three of us were "friends" for a while, I guess, but I started feeling like a third wheel whenever I was with them.
Right now, I have some acquaintances, but I don't particularily like any of them lol. I just can't... relate to anyone! I have no idea why.
 
I'm not always a loner... I go through periods of loneliness, I think, by my own doing. I seem to push people away without realizing it, until it's too late.

But i suppose i have been super lonely since my break up with my Ex 4 years ago. My friends have all married, and are starting families..they just don't really have the time that I do, being single. I also work full time, with no real co-workers... just people I communicate with on the phone for the most part.

After reading the DR's post, I did have a traumatic event happen when my mom passed away when I was 11. that was during my formative years..perhaps that situation has something to do with how I form relationships today? I really don't know.
 

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