Can't seem to relate to anyone.

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tony30

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How did I end up here? I really don't know. I suppose I could rattle of an extensive list of various problems that have hampered my social development but if I'm honest, I suppose that I'm just lonely and would very much like to talk about it to people that might understand.

The story is a short one and I'm not going to tell you that my life has been beset by drama and woe because that's not the way it is.
I may as well continue in the vein of candor by admitting off the bat that I still live at home and have recently lost my job, so that there are no illusions concerning my status.

It boils down to this, I have always suffered from a crippling lack of self belief. Part of it stems from being naturally shy but the more corrosive aspect of my personality that haunts me is that I have absolutely no emotional intelligence and am utterly devoid of intuitive communication skills. The end result is that, even if I do try to come out of my shell, the best and only response I can ever seem to get from other people is indifference and by god, that hurts far more than being disliked and presses me back into an insular and counter-productive state of mind.

Sometimes I pretend to myself that being a social exile makes me, in an aloof sort of way, superior to others, but I know that's utter twaddle, it's just a self defence mechanism. Deep-down I really like people, and it pains me that I can't find a way a relating to them, even on the internet. I'm well past the stage of blaming others for my lack of social prowess and I'm tired of looking for excuses not to get on with my life because I beginning to find the whole nolife/nojob/nofriends pattern very depressing. I'm 30 now and I don't want to add any more regrets to my life than the ones I already have.

It feels slightly weird admitting all of this over the internet but, at the very least, if someone else can understand this and relate to any of it then they will know that they are not alone in their anguish.

Please feel free to leave a comment or pass on any tips you may have concerning this subject.

All the best.

Tony.
 
it pains me that I can't find a way a relating to them, even on the internet

So far you're doing a fine job here.  Your post was clear, and I think there are many people here who will understand you.

If you lack basic social skills or the ability to relate to others, that is something that you can learn.  It might be a long, hard process.  You will have to prepare yourself for further rejection, or more of the indifference you've already encountered.  Eventually though, you will very likely start to understand how to interact with others.  You'll probably make friends.

I don't have any amazing, life-changing advice.  Go online or go to your local library and start reading about social skills and communicating with others.  The information you find will give you a foundation to build upon.

Good luck.
 
Firstly, hello and thankyou for taking the time to read my post and offer me feedback Elaeagnus. These sort of things aren't easy to address and I have never really been able to talk about it amongst the few people that I do know, because there is always the lingering fear that revealing my problems would just make me seem very odd and saturated in self-pity ( although there probably is an element of the later, but in only occurs in short spells).

Your advice is highly reassuring because I had just about got to the point where I imagined that I could well end up friendless for the rest of my days and no matter tough a person thinks they are, surely one would have to possess a heart of granite not to find that an appalling idea.
It may be a classical symptom of loneliness but I have also much, to my shame, cruelly rejected the few people that have shown an interest. When I look back on it , (my actions then were shaped by a 'get them before they get me mentality' which is born from feelings of inadequacy) it fills me with guilt - they were human beings too, all complete with the same feelings and fragility's that we are all bundled with and trampling on their investment in me as a friend was a truly wicked and spiteful thing of me to do.

I've started to digress, (ahem) my point is that if as you suggest, social skills can be accumulated through study, I would be more than willing to face rejection and indifference if it meant that eventually I could break some new ground and learn how to sustain some lasting companionship. I don't envisage there being a miracle cure and I didn't expect one when I came on here, but it is very heartening to hear from someone who seems to understand and is able to give measured counsel on how I can best go about giving myself a good kick up the backside.

Again, many thanks.:)
 
Hi Tony,

Don't be ashamed. Everyone has problems. Some people have problems relating to other humans--it's no worse than any other problem!

Hugs,

LG
 
Thankyou for the reply but I, respectfully, disagree. Being able to engage in social spheres is a critical aspect of how humans survive and prosper. It is something that we are all programmed to do and if you lack the skills to fulfill those instinctual obligations, it dismantles every facet of you relavance in society and seriously limits your potential to have fun and without being able to enjoy your life, what's the point in living it?
 
Hi Tony,

I see your point. I just meant that, for some reason, in our society it's considered horrible if a person has no friends. It's very painful to be a 'social reject'. I've been one most of my life, I should know. I just think that it's wrong to blow this particular problem out of proportion and blame people for it. It's not our faults that we don't know how to relate to others. I consider myself very intelligent, which is my snobby excuse for why I don't get along with small-minded sheeple.
 
I may have misrepresented myself on this score. Though I do feel a faint bitterness ( tinged with some self depreciating humour, it must be said) I am not filled with perfidious hatred towards mankind or anything like that. Yes - I went through stage of being very angry with people and possibly even blaming them for the way they made me feel about myself. However that has dimmed in recent years. Now I would just try and find ways to be more 'normal'.
Anyway, there's only so much I can stomach bleating on about 'poor old me':D. How are you Lonelygirl? You seem like a pleasant and thoughtful individual.

Regards.

Tony30.
 
Hi Tony,

I'm a bit misanthropic, myself. I don't like people in general. I like intelligent, creative, artistic people. They seem to be the minority.
 
People that can appreciate the intricacies of your character? If that's what your saying it's something I can also relate to.

Are you yourself an artist of any description? If so what sort of medium do you use to express yourself?
 
Hi Tony,

I'm a wanna-be writer. I enjoy art in all forms, particularly visual arts and music. I prefer to chat about life than about celebrity gossip. I used to write poetry in high school (didn't we all?) but it was probably pretty bad.
 
A budding authoress? What sort of genre inspires you? Horror, thriller, comedy or is it something else entirely?
Personally I have a passion for medieval fantasy and have quite literally written enough material to fill three or four good sized novels! But none of it ties together to form anything cohesive enough to seriously think about doing business with a publisher.

Never really been bitten by the poetic bug though, but do have some appreciation for art. There's no particular style that draws my bias but I've always been in awe those austere, baroque portraits that were made popular in the 17th or 18th century.
 
This isn't interconnected with the last few entries and is directed at noone in particular, but gawd am I really that tedious? I've had a few polite sympathy votes from a couple of the girls but it's apparent that the members, on-the-whole just don't want to talk to me ( not one of the blokes on here has answered a single one of my posts)! Can't force people to be interested (nor would I wish to) but I can't for the life of me figure out what I'm doing wrong?
 
Mate, I don't think you are doing anything wrong. I've read all of your posts but didn't think I had much to say in response.

Still, I can say hi so I'll do that now. Hi.

What I have noticed is that you post in detail. Have you sent PMs to any members, perhaps a few people whose posts you felt some affinity with?

I think there is a certain level of discussion that is difficult to carry out on a forum like this. If you are lucky enough to find another member or two that you click with then you may find more of what you are looking for.

It may take a while to find that but it's always worth PMing someone to say hi and see where that takes you. In the meantime I would keep posting as you have been. I'm sure people are interested. The time differences between members doesn't help and, at times, the board can be fairly quiet in general.

See you around anyway.

Michael
 
You're not doing anything wrong.  People are answering your posts.  You've also posted quite a bit in threads where people seldom give direct responses, such as the pets and gardening threads.  Those are more about sharing, and those posts don't usually receive direct responses.  This thread that you created seems to be doing quite well, and people have been using it and talking with you.

Why are you worrying about the gender of the people that are replying to you?  The women here are just as much a part of the forum as the men.  If you're only interested in talking to other men, I'm sure there are forums geared directly towards men that you could use.  I'm not suggesting you leave here for one of those sites, but I do think you should stop worrying about which people are responding to you.  There's nothing wrong with having women respond to your posts.  In fact, based on what I've seen in my time here, I think there are slightly more women who post on a regular basis than men, so perhaps you should take that into account when thinking about the members "on-the-whole".

You've been contributing interesting thoughts and insights in your posts.  Keep that up, and don't be so concerned about whether you're doing something wrong.


tony30 said:
This isn't interconnected with the last few entries and is directed at noone in particular, but gawd am I really that tedious? I've had a few polite sympathy votes from a couple of the girls but it's apparent that the members, on-the-whole just don't want to talk to me ( not one of the blokes on here has answered a single one of my posts)! Can't force people to be interested (nor would I wish to) but I can't for the life of me figure out what I'm doing wrong?
 
To both, please excuse the melodrama and paranoia. I don't mean to sound impatient but I'm rubbish at reading silence and perhaps a little unconvinced even when people do respond ( I know - damned if you do - damned if you don't).

Michael - Hi.

Kind of feel a bit nervous about PMing. Am well aware of the fact that there are quite a few of the members may be emotionally vulnerable ( I'm probably one of them ) and don't want them to feel in any way personally harassed.

Elaeagnus.

Please don't think I'm a misogynist or aristocratic about talking to women - that couldn't be further from the truth. Again, it's an issue of perception, I don't want it to seem as though I'm singling someone out for undue attention ( particularly women for obvious reasons ). For that reason I would rather correspond with a balanced quota of men and women.
 
Hi Tony,

You seem a very sensitive person. I like that. You can see the fine layers of things in life. It takes a keen eye to notice small details.

Don't worry, I think if anyone here felt harassed or bothered they would certainly tell you, either on the forum or through a PM.

I would ideally like to write non-fiction books. I have several ideas for books but lack the self-confidence and self-discipline to write the proposals to get these imaginary books published. I also would love to write The Great American Novel but I have few ideas for stories!

Are you from the UK, Tony? I love England and I am quite the Anglophile.
 
Too sensitive lonelygirl, I chew over almost every thought and action because I don't have the confidence or the ability to be spontaneous when sharing company or representing myself to the big wide world.

On your unwritten material - my suggestion would be to try and hammer something out on paper, even if it's only a few pages, and then see where it leads. Pressures of commitment may not allow you to dedicate inordinate amounts of time to it, but in my humble opinion there's always an element of tragedy when a creative impulse is denied some form of outlet. You clearly harbour an aptitude for detail and intellectual requirements that are not easily satisfied, perhaps making your ideas manifest may pave the way to some sort of fulfilment.

I live about 110 miles to the south-west of London lonelygirl - weather conditions are .....never boring.

Tony.
 
Tony,

Thank you for the kind and encouraging words. What do you think of the Smiths, one of my all-time favorite bands? I hope you are not a Morrissey-basher!!! I think he is a sensitive poet.
 
....you have killed me, you have killed me... I've heard those lyrics countless times thudding through the walls! My sister is a huge fan of all things Morrissey, and when she used to live with us, his album ( I'm not sure which one) was the only thing that occupied her CD tray for nearly three months! During that time I did manage to cultivate a grudging respect for The Smiths and whilst I wouldn't go so far as to call myself a fan, I will concede that they are, beyond dispute, right at the top of the talent pool!

My taste in music is fairly eclectic but in recent weeks I've developed quite a fondness for Radiohead. Any thoughts on them Lonelygirl?
 
Incidentally, and this is sort of directed at Micheal and Elaeagnus but it's not designed to provoke a response ( I'm over worrying about that) just to be read.  I think I was being extremely selfish when bemoaning lack of feedback. It wasn't that I felt any sense of entitlement, I was just panicking a bit. As it, I consider myself  fortunate indeed to get as many replies as I have in such a short space of time, for which I am very grateful. My treatment here has been exemplary.

Gonna be offline for a little while but I thought that it was something worth saying before I go.
 

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