So here's a pretty honest positive summary of what happened to me.

I've always been considered somewhat of an odd/goofy kid since as far back as I can remember, but that wasn't hardly ever a bad thing before a certain age. When I was 8, we moved and it was then I started having trouble fitting in, I guess you could say. The neighborhood kids were kind of rednecky, and I got picked on a bit. At school I had like two close friends who I stuck with, and my parents did not like my best friend because he was a bad influence, so my dad did everything he could to sabotage the friendship. I didnt hate sports, I always played them, but I never got all macho and competitive about it, and I wasnt that good.

I've always been considered "entertaining" by most of my peers, or "weird in a cool way". I was diagnosed with ADD. When I was 12, I started hanging out with different kids than my best friend I made when I was 8. So he started being mean to me. The puberty years were right around the corner. At the end of 7th grade, the first girl I liked found out, and she was a ***** about it. Then 8th grade was worse, as the kids started seeing bad movies and hooking up, and they started to be ******** to me. This is when my really angry thinking began. At the end of 8th grade, this kid poked me in the ******* and told me I was a ***** who would get no ladies. My dad found out and him and another parent got the kid expelled, except he was friends with one of the teacher's sons, so she made sure the entire school found out about it, and all the parents at all the Catholic elementary schools found out too. They blew it out of proportion, and the rumor was that the kid had "fingered me up the ******* in the locker room"

At the beginning of high school, all the jock, cheerleader, "cool kids" called me the ass-rape kid, and asked me constantly about it. I didnt even know these people. Worse, the girl I liked in middle school and some friends spread rumors I had a "list of girls". All these girls came up to me flirting asking "what number am I on your list". Flattered by their attention, I made up random numbers. Then I realized they were all making fun of me, so I said I'd kill myself, I guess trying to get pity. They went to the Dean and reported me saying I "had a rape list".

Everyone thought I was a school buffoon, but people were nice to me because I "entertained them". But I didnt really have any friends, my friends that I was in marching band with were jealous that the jocks gave me so much attention, even though it was mockery. My dad knew this was depressing me, but he said bullshit like "you have no right to be depressed, you're a white private school kid, all the 'cool' people will grow up to be street-sweepers, and you'll have a good job." By my sophomore year, I began to pack on a good group of friends, but when school dances came around, I realized that I was "incel", because it was always hard to find a girl to go with.

I was skinny as hell in High School and had a big nose and really dark features, I was in the band and on the cross-country team, so I certainly could not have been considered attractive by High School standards. (even though some of the band and cross-country kids did get hook ups) There was one girl in HS school who for sophomore, junior, and senior year would lead me on and friendzone me, again and again, I was so in love with her. But by the end of my junior year, I was considered a relatively popular kid, throwing parties, everyone wanted me to make an appearance at their parties, etc... Junior year I started publishing a fake newsletter making fun of all the kids at school and I became very popular as a result. (it was just a small school, only 1200 people)

So then the summer between junior and senior year, me and the friendzone girl spent so much of our time together. She made me feel so attractive and confident, and she gave me signs she liked me, but I could never make myself kiss her. Everyone at school respected me as a unique individual, thought I was hilarious, even though I was still goofy and awkward (and wasn't a badass, cause I didnt drink or smoke weed). Then I found out this girl had been dating an effeminate friend of mine behind my back all this time. I kept lying to myself, saying it wasnt true, because they would never PDA (and had been asexual best friends the year before). I started falling to pieces.

I realized a couple things. I had always wanted to be a macho man, and I realized one thing that was so "funny" about me was the fact that I was this skinny Catholic school band kid who never drank, so there was nothing "macho" about me, but I always walked and acted cocky. And I realized people thought I was funny, but I had no sex appeal to a girl, and guys didnt really take me seriously as "a guy" either. Not like I was effeminate, just quirky. I realized most teachers and adults thought I was this immature spaz kid too. To make things worse, the fact that I went to a Catholic school made adults say things like that I was "sheltered" and "knew nothing of the real world" or "would get messed up every day in THE REAL WORLD". I started thinking about myself as this pussy, and I got really really depressed. I didnt realize until I got fired from my first real job the summer I turned 18 that no employer would take me seriously either.

So that's when I kind of snapped. I told the friendzoning girl that I never wanted to see her again. I didnt want to be this skinny, bumbling, quirky, awkward, goofy Forrest Gump kid anymore. I wanted to be a man, I wanted to be taken seriously by employers, and I wanted to be seen as sexy by girls. I started weightlifting after high school. I started college at a very small Catholic college (same size as my High School).

I thought that the "cool kid" bullshit, and the "jock vs. nerd" bullshit ended at high school, and that pretty girls would give guys who weren't "jocks" a chance. Boy was I wrong as fresia. I had never drank before I was 18 so I got teased for that. I moved on a hall full of cocky, macho, partier guys who pretended to be my friend and picked on me. I was as intimidated as fresia all the time. Sometimes I would try to be like them (it never worked). So eventually I shut my mouth and started to withdraw. (there's more to the story which I can post later on)

I have alot of friends now, but am still extremely intimidated by girls I find attractive. I have sacrificed the popularity I had for being "quirky" in High School because I want people to take me seriously. I dont expect girls to find sex appeal in quirkyness. I am somewhat distrusting, withdrawn and skeptical of people until I feel like people look at me like a real adult man with a dick.

I just feel like I have not smiled in the longest time, but being a 20-year old virgin makes me feel dirty and disgusting. I fear people being able to tell by looking at me. I can spot a quirky, nerdy virgin young adult by his dress-sense, build, voice, and gait, and I am scared as fresia of people comparing me to them.

I just want to smile again. I'm sick of being angry, but I don't know what to do.

Its hard to break out of this current mood. From what i've read you seem to not feel really comfortable with the way you are. It probably seems like nothing you do works, and you've gone at your wits end to change yourself. Sadly there isn't one fast way to solve your problems. It takes a while to feel good about yourself and you have to take day by day. For me i build off of small things and eventually you just improving and feeling better. Talking to more people eventually will build more confidence in yourself. But it hard to just jump in So just take one at a time. Talk to one new person and slowly work off of that. There's nothign you can do to change certain people and eventually you do run into ********, the best you can do is tell yourself your better than them. Those people are so egocentric that they don't even know how badly they treat other people. You seem to have good morals though. You said you've been been lifting right? Hows that going? Physical appearance helps alot. Gain some weight and get in better shape you'll feel better about yourself. Also it may seem that evryone is lookign at you awkwardly and judging you, that may not always eb the case. If they do let them judge, they may not be the people you should be associated with. Also give yourself some credit you prob. have really good traits and you seem to have a good personality. Friend and family is extremely important. You depend on them and remember they also depend on you. Your family and friends want yo to be happy and successful in life. Your in college right? Find some activities to join. It might feel wierd and awkward joining a club or organization but it helps. Join soemthing your interested in cause the people you meet will also have similar interest. I don't really expect my post to help too much, just to give you something to think abotu however you've prob heard the same thing over again from previous people. Just remember you'll feel better eventually. Even if you can't see it you've had friends before and that girl prob did like you, even if she cheated on you, someone did liek you so you know there is hope cause if it happened once why can't it happen again. Well hopefully not the cheatign part) You've had many friends before. So youll make more. Just try to sound friendly when meeting new people. You become friends with people who have simliar interest as you so try to find out what that mgiht be when makign friends. Again you build off of these things. It could be making one new friend, or accomplishign somehting. or even just a girl smiling at you. Girls liek down to earth and funny guys. A good personality goes along way. Or maybe all you need is that rush, somehtign to egt your adreniline going. Might i suggest rollarcoaster or skydiving, or bungee jumping. Some activity to scream ti all out and make you think about life. Do it with a friend, as a activity. Sorry for all the spelling mistake, im too lazy to fix then. Anyways if ya wanna talk, it doesn't have to be anythign important, it could be about news or interesting stories you could private message me.

Timeless: I'll tell ya, I'll never get tired of reading huge chunks of text without proper spacing. *rolls eyes* lol PLEASE for my sanity, USE PARAGRAPHS, PEOPLE!! Welcome to the site, Timeless.

SocratesX: The problem with self-loathing or low self-esteem is that others can see us displaying those characteristics. When you're always down on yourself, thinking that you're crap, then others will pick up on that and naturally avoid it.

People like to be around those who are confident and content with their lives, no matter the situation. (I feel like I've said this exact same thing this site somewhere o_0) You have to find that personal confidence and contentment on your own.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being a virgin at 20, or even never having been on a date. Don't buy into the media/popular culture lie that you can't be a virgin and be happy. That's stupid.

I moved on a hall full of cocky, macho, partier guys who pretended to be my friend and picked on me.

Click to expand...

Haha jock guys are like that. If you're going to hang with that type of guys, then you have to be ready to cut some sack, dude. My friends and I are constantly putting each other down and beating on each other affectionately...it's just how they/we are. Not every guy is like that, though...I'm sure you'll be able to find a group of friends who are more your style...you just gotta keep looking around, that's all.

Well, I hope some of that helped a tad. Have a good one, man.

----Steve

Badjedidude said:

Timeless: I'll tell ya, I'll never get tired of reading huge chunks of text without proper spacing. *rolls eyes* lol PLEASE for my sanity, USE PARAGRAPHS, PEOPLE!! Welcome to the site, Timeless.

SocratesX: The problem with self-loathing or low self-esteem is that others can see us displaying those characteristics. When you're always down on yourself, thinking that you're crap, then others will pick up on that and naturally avoid it.

People like to be around those who are confident and content with their lives, no matter the situation. (I feel like I've said this exact same thing this site somewhere o_0) You have to find that personal confidence and contentment on your own.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being a virgin at 20, or even never having been on a date. Don't buy into the media/popular culture lie that you can't be a virgin and be happy. That's stupid.

I moved on a hall full of cocky, macho, partier guys who pretended to be my friend and picked on me.

Click to expand...

Haha jock guys are like that. If you're going to hang with that type of guys, then you have to be ready to cut some sack, dude. My friends and I are constantly putting each other down and beating on each other affectionately...it's just how they/we are. Not every guy is like that, though...I'm sure you'll be able to find a group of friends who are more your style...you just gotta keep looking around, that's all.

Well, I hope some of that helped a tad. Have a good one, man.

----Steve

Click to expand...

Ahh spaces that alot of work though, i rather just type through haha but alright i guess if it makes it THAT much better than ill consider it. Also thanks and nice to meet you steve

Badjedidude said:

People like to be around those who are confident and content with their lives, no matter the situation. (I feel like I've said this exact same thing this site somewhere o_0) You have to find that personal confidence and contentment on your own.

Click to expand...

Man, you know, this reminds me of a fella I met when I took my Fire Code class last week; coincidentally, also named Brian.


Brian is from a little fire department on Mica Kidd Island. I met him on the third and final day of class when I ended up at the same restaurant as him and some other guys for lunch and we ate together.

There was a wide variety of experience and personalities at our table. John was a veteran Fire Medic from California, who retired due to a back injury and moved to North Idaho. Chief Crawford was the Chief of Mica Kidd; a big guy, probably in his 40s. You could tell immediately that he didn't take life too seriously and that he enjoyed what he did, and it was immediately evident that he treated his men with respect, and I think they would have probably followed him in to Hell. Or at least **** close.

That sort of man makes a good Chief at a small department. But this really isn't about him.

This is about Brian. Brian was about my build, in his late 30s, with a scruffy beard and blue eyes. He'd been in the fire service for about 5 years. But right off I noticed two things about this guy: he talked quiet, and he was really relaxed. But when he talked, people listened.

Brian....was cool.

I enjoyed being around him because he was so at ease, but so confident. He wasn't judgmental, he was expressive with his facial muscles and posturing, and he was interested in the people around him. I noted that, whether he realized it or not, he uses a simple technique that I've read about to assert yourself and exude confidence; he took up space. He sat in the corner eating his pizza, one arm spread along the back of the seat and the other elbow propped on the other side, relaxed. I noted its effectiveness in how he was perceived. As I was finishing telling him about my department, he told me about a guy he knew who used to work there, and that was how he knew where we were even though we were two counties apart. And as we talked, he shocked me like I haven't been shocked in a while.

By his 34th birthday, starting from 30, Brian had suffered five heart attacks. He had something like 9 stints in.

The fact of the matter is, Brian will probably be dead by 50 unless he somehow dodges another heart attack. He says he takes things easy...and I believe him. I respected how absolutely peaceful he was. He commands a cool presence and doesn't need to brashly assert himself. And yet he's not -shy-; because of these things, he is a brash contrast to much of the fire service, chock full of more Type A personalities than you can shake a stick at.


I don't think there's anything that could shake this guy's world.

So my mission is to be like Brian. When we talk about 'being ok with ourselves and our situation', and having confidence, I think this guy is the poster boy for the cause. I really wish you could all meet him and see what I mean.

But I think that's along the lines of what we need to be aiming for.

Badjedidude said:

People like to be around those who are confident and content with their lives, no matter the situation. (I feel like I've said this exact same thing this site somewhere o_0) You have to find that personal confidence and contentment on your own.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being a virgin at 20, or even never having been on a date. Don't buy into the media/popular culture lie that you can't be a virgin and be happy. That's stupid.

Click to expand...

Where does confidence even come from when people treat someone like crap all their lives? Like with attraction, what if someone was born just extremely ugly what the hell is there to be confident about because even if a person posseses some other qualities its not like it's going to get them very far. There are those exceptions but most people don't want to date the ugly so how is one suppose to be confident about that.Confidence is usually from positive comments other people make about you but when they make none ever, what do you do cast a magic spell to make it? I mean when it's nothing but put downs in your life it isn't exactly easy to have confidence to build upon when there is nothing to build with.


As for the second part. Some people just have a hard time being able to accept being a virgin/alone and I guess I'm one of them. It's hard not to feel that way when your parents start believing your gay because you are still dateless when you are in your early 20's.When your friends are talking about sex and know not even to ask you anything because they know you are one in which they just look over and snicker. It's sort of hard not feel left out when almost everyone has experienced something while we are in own small little club of people who are looked down upon as weird or losers.


You can tell what a vast majority of people think by judging the outside world or going to other forums. I've seen guys ask on other forums that if a girl found out that he was still a virgin in his 20's would they still date him.Most of them said "no" because there has to be something wrong with them. I know I shouldn't care what people like that say but when there are so many of them how can people not care?I really do think who gives a fresia because those type of people are self-centered pricks. Although its odd when someone would choose someone just because they have messed before when there might be something wrong with them such as std's haha. So like how the hell does one not care about such outside sources when there is evidently so many of them? I guess in this generation its just been so embedded into our minds that if you haven't had sex by a certain age than there must be something wrong with you or you're a loser.

Here's the thing about me....

My biological daughter is one those hawt smexy babe that can have any guy she wants.
She's very pretty like her mama...then again she looks just like me.

Both of my sisters had all kind of guys chasing after them for as long as I can remember.
People used to tell me all the time how pretty they were and if i can hook them up.lmao

Ok..so how in the fresia did I ended up with the fucken ugly stick?
The truth of the matter is...I didn't.
Pyschologicly it was putted into my head that I wasn't good enough.
Being an asian male growing up in the USA in the mid 70's and 80's was major challenge.
I didn't know wtf discrimination was until I moved to the USA.
I didn't know why people would hate me just for the colour of my skin.
I was the only asian kid in grade school. There was probably 2 other asian dudes in HS.
I've been mock, redicued, threaten, called everything fucken name in the book and than some...etc
That's the ugly truth.

There's a double standard. when I hear people saying ...woo hoo ya be da be fucken dooo.. they love asian
babes becuase asain babes are smexy sex goddess..
Err Wtf...who in the fresia do you think made smexy asian babes???

I had very poor self image..but every women the I've ever been with tells me they think I'm smexy.
And all I've been involved with are cuasian women. ( all the smexy asain babes were taken.lol)
And I've been asked out by women plenty of times....
Yet...pyschologically, there's still a part of me the don't belive that I'm good enough. It's ingrain in me...
It dosn't effect me as much as it used too..but it did for a long time.


What I'am saying is...change your thinking ...change your life.
Another word for confidence is self-esteem, self worth.
If you were programmed or was infected with negativity...you gotta learn how to let go of your old ideas. Clean house. Filter out bullshit.
It's not the easiest thing in the world. Do however, make a decicsion everyday..to be happy no matter what...build on that.

Being a male in your early 20's ..you're mostly are in your sexaul prime. Your hormones are probably shooting out of your ears.
So if you're not fullfiling your natural body needs...it can cuase a lot of fuastrations and depression.
IDk...I did manage the have a nympho as a GF when I was in my late teens.
I didn't have sex until after I got out of HS..bascailly I didn't have sex until after i was 18.
You're not that much older than I was when I lost my virginity.

Get a nympho for a GF ...I did.
You havn't lived until you had a nympho as a gf.lol
Warning though...I couldn't keep up with her

Date older women...I did that too.
Women in thier late 20's or early 30's are in thier sexual prime.
They're more mature in many ways.
Straight up...she said she just wanted me for my body.
And no...i didn't get STD...She wanted a single sex partner so she didn't have to sleep with a bounch of guys.
At the same time she didn't want a committed relationship. If anything , she had to keep reminding me not to get
emotionally attached to her.
On the flip side of this spectrum..I had to work through a lot of guilt, shame..(old programing) Whatever moral or vaules
I was riased with and society at large. I belive my experince with her was very healthy for me. There was no ill will
between us. No dramma, truamma, lies, broken promises, expectations, guilt , shame, manipulations or hate. Just a lot of hot steamy sex.

the great thing about about high school and adult life, is youre suppose to change. use it as motivation. i wore prep clothes sometimes, then big black gothic bell bottom style pants other days. my friend, a guy, even wore a gothic skirt... lol. youre suppose to be lame in school. youre just kids...

i use to miss like a day each week of school, and was late probably two days every week. i even quit school. ive been at my job now for over 3 years, and rarely ever call out, and im never late. i still wear whatever, just cause i dont care but generally i dress proper. im more unique wearing my clothes properly, then baggy.

Remedy said:

It's sort of hard not feel left out when almost everyone has experienced something while we are in own small little club of people who are looked down upon as weird or losers.


You can tell what a vast majority of people think by judging the outside world or going to other forums. I've seen guys ask on other forums that if a girl found out that he was still a virgin in his 20's would they still date him.Most of them said "no" because there has to be something wrong with them.I guess in this generation its just been so embedded into our minds that if you haven't had sex by a certain age than there must be something wrong with you or you're a loser.

Click to expand...

Honestly there are many more virgins in their 20s out there then you think. Sure it may not be a majority, but its not uncommon for a young man/woman to still be a virgin in college. I dont know what forum you had that example from, but I've also read similar forum questions over the years and the ending results were always largely in favor of people not caring if their partner is a virgin or not.

I know it seems like the world is passing you by because I've had the same thoughts, but it really seems that way because of this media age we live in where sex is glamorized to the point where people think that having sex is what solidifies their worth as a man/woman/ etc. and this just isnt realistic.

Its really a bigger deal because you make it a big deal. If your friends make fun of you for it then you should tell them to grow up. Everyone needs to start maturing sometime so try to start your friends down that path.

"I just feel like I have not smiled in the longest time, but being a 20-year old virgin makes me feel dirty and disgusting. I fear people being able to tell by looking at me. I can spot a quirky, nerdy virgin young adult by his dress-sense, build, voice, and gait, and I am scared as fresia of people comparing me to them."

the fact that you haven't smiled in the longest time is the most concerning statement in your post. There is NOTHING wrong with being a virgin at 20, and noone can tell by looking at you...so don't worry about that. I think we are all scared to be compared to others to some point...but here is what I suggest for you.
Find something that makes you smile...anything. that is the most important thing to do for yourself, and your well being. What is it that you like? do you like the ocean? dogs? kids? cats?....movies? find something and make it a point to really try and find joy in something...no matter how big or small...everyday.
As far as the sex thing goes....that will come in time. Again, there is nothing wrong, or dirty about being a virgin...in fact, I find it quite admirable. Maybe it hasn't been your choice to wait, but when you meet that person that makes your stomach do flips and you can't focus your mind on anything else but that person...that is when sex is going to mean the most, and be the best. Don't rush things...I know you want to, but focus more on you....find things that make you happy, and in the process you will find like minded people.
I wish I had waited....I had sex entirely too young... I have had random (protected) sex with many men...but I feel so unfulfilled, that it is proven to not even be worth it. I was in a 12 year relationship....it ended 4 years ago, i do have to say..that, sex in that relationship was the only sex I have had...worth having. I was in love.
I know I have a tendency to babble...sorry about that. I just want you to know, that you are not alone in your quest for love and attention...I think all of us here are feeling a bit of that. But don't focus your whole being on sex, when you will have it, and what people will think of you if you don't have it. Sex is a bonus to any real relationship....not the most important thing. one thing I can promise you...is, you will have sex...but first find happiness within yourself, then move on to finding like minded people....everything else will follow naturally. ((hugs)) to you.

Confidence is usually from positive comments other people make about you but when they make none ever, what do you do cast a magic spell to make it?

Click to expand...

You fake it. Once you get good at faking it, you'll find that people hang around more, which then gives you real confidence...and you won't need to fake it anymore. You just have to psych yourself up to be confident, that's all.

Brian mentioned a good technique to work on that can easily become second nature if you use it often enough: take up space. It's about animal body language--a confident male will take up space by stretching his legs, by leaning back in his chair, by putting his arm around another's chair, etc. That's one easy way in which you can "fake" confidence.

Honestly, I say "fake" it...but what I really mean is PRACTICE it. Confidence and contentment take practice just like everything else. No, it doesn't magically pop out of thin air, but if you work to practice the language of confidence, you'll find that soon you're not "faking" (practicing) it anymore. It'll be real.

----Steve

Brian said:

Badjedidude said:

People like to be around those who are confident and content with their lives, no matter the situation. (I feel like I've said this exact same thing this site somewhere o_0) You have to find that personal confidence and contentment on your own.

Click to expand...

Man, you know, this reminds me of a fella I met when I took my Fire Code class last week; coincidentally, also named Brian.


Brian is from a little fire department on Mica Kidd Island. I met him on the third and final day of class when I ended up at the same restaurant as him and some other guys for lunch and we ate together.

There was a wide variety of experience and personalities at our table. John was a veteran Fire Medic from California, who retired due to a back injury and moved to North Idaho. Chief Crawford was the Chief of Mica Kidd; a big guy, probably in his 40s. You could tell immediately that he didn't take life too seriously and that he enjoyed what he did, and it was immediately evident that he treated his men with respect, and I think they would have probably followed him in to Hell. Or at least **** close.

That sort of man makes a good Chief at a small department. But this really isn't about him.

This is about Brian. Brian was about my build, in his late 30s, with a scruffy beard and blue eyes. He'd been in the fire service for about 5 years. But right off I noticed two things about this guy: he talked quiet, and he was really relaxed. But when he talked, people listened.

Brian....was cool.

I enjoyed being around him because he was so at ease, but so confident. He wasn't judgmental, he was expressive with his facial muscles and posturing, and he was interested in the people around him. I noted that, whether he realized it or not, he uses a simple technique that I've read about to assert yourself and exude confidence; he took up space. He sat in the corner eating his pizza, one arm spread along the back of the seat and the other elbow propped on the other side, relaxed. I noted its effectiveness in how he was perceived. As I was finishing telling him about my department, he told me about a guy he knew who used to work there, and that was how he knew where we were even though we were two counties apart. And as we talked, he shocked me like I haven't been shocked in a while.

By his 34th birthday, starting from 30, Brian had suffered five heart attacks. He had something like 9 stints in.

The fact of the matter is, Brian will probably be dead by 50 unless he somehow dodges another heart attack. He says he takes things easy...and I believe him. I respected how absolutely peaceful he was. He commands a cool presence and doesn't need to brashly assert himself. And yet he's not -shy-; because of these things, he is a brash contrast to much of the fire service, chock full of more Type A personalities than you can shake a stick at.


I don't think there's anything that could shake this guy's world.

So my mission is to be like Brian. When we talk about 'being ok with ourselves and our situation', and having confidence, I think this guy is the poster boy for the cause. I really wish you could all meet him and see what I mean.

But I think that's along the lines of what we need to be aiming for.

Click to expand...

he sounds like an AMAZING guy - you are lucky to have such awesome people around you even if it is sometimes

i hope he will live long and will continue to inspire people..... (hug) thanks for sharing