A Major Breakthrough - My Story

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SophiaGrace

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Guys within the past week some pretty amazing things have happened to me. Not externally but internally...

I'll start by telling you my life story...

When I was born, my mom was put into a lot of physical duress. I know most births have some duress for the mothers but my mom was really really sick because I was different in the womb. She had to be put on medication and when I was born, the doctor placed me on my mother's tummy only to realize that I was turning blue. I couldnt breathe, so I was rushed away. 30 minutes later after I had medically died 3 times and been resuscitated repeatedly, a doctor arrived that specialized in tracheotomy placement. They said it was a miracle they found my trachea at all because I was such a small newborn. Then they told my mother that her child that she had just given birth to had a 2% chance of living through the night. I had my last rites read to me.

I lived.

The doctors again said..."she wont live another night"

I did.

"she wont live a week"

I did again.

"a month"

I was still there.

"she probably wont live through her toddler years"

I clung to life and defied all my doctor's expectations to be sitting here today typing this thread to you.

In my childhood I endured 20 reconstructive plastic surgeries, among which was an attempt at a major reconstruction of my jaw (they tried to give me a jaw), a huge back surgery (which put me out of comission for over a month when i was 6), an eye surgery (which made it hard for me to see for days which was very scary for a little child)

As I grew older....the surgeries grew less because they were stressful for my mom to go through. She was the main person to take care of me because my dad refused to. (he was neglectful). I still had nurses around me a ton.

But this is when marital problems really racheted up in my household. My father was abusive, the anti social personality disorder he had inherited from his own father making everything turn upside down.

I remember during this time my father cleaning a gun at the kitchen bar...and my mom brushing my hair (maybe we were getting ready to go somewhere), and my father took the gun and aimed it at us. We ducked. And then he laughed. He laughed at our fear. (this is just an example so you know how unstable he was...)

Eventually he left us all for another woman after a long string of affairs that kicked him out of his family's company (because they went against company policy). His own brother had to fire him., My dad then begged my mom to be let back, but she refused. (I cant imagine the strength it took for her to say no to him...)

So I'd go visit him, my dad, every other weekend. And I hated all those weekends. I remember crying quite a few times. I remember dreading going to his house.

When I was 14 I remember sitting in my school lunchroom, breaking down crying because I had finally broken out of denial about the things that happened before my dad left my mom. child services was called in. I had several hours of personality testing/other sorts of testing by a psychologist to see if what I said was true.

I went and talked with a District Attorney about what happened and because I was so nervous, kept saying I didnt know to many of his questions. He concluded that there wasnt enough evidence to prosecute my father.

But it was enough to make my father stop making me go to his house for visitation. I never went back after everything that happened.

I didnt do well in school that year (for obvious reasons...).

The next year all I did was study. I got on the distinquished honor roll the first semester and then the regular honor roll the second. My English teacher told me that I was such a good student that I should take honors English next year.



In 10th grade I got on the honor roll the first semester and I realized how much I loved English. I got voted onto student council. I obtained membership in the National Society of High School Scholars.

Things were going well. Until I started not to care anymore because I felt really stressed.

I think 11th grade was when I stopped caring. I dont know why I stopped caring, I just did. I became unhappy at my school because I felt like I was being shunned & didnt fit in with the other preppy kids in my Student Council homeroom. I remember some days it was only my nurse or interpreter that talked to me.

I was withdrawing. Becoming unhappy. I got rid of all my nurses at home, became medically independent (learned how to take care of myself) and transferred to MSSD. Where I encountered kids that made fun of me...calling me ugly and asking me what happened to my face and then running away. It actually shocked me what happened...and I had to report it several times.

I got on the honor roll at MSSD my first semester. And my overall GPA point made it that I could join the National Honor Society. So I did join. I also joined the Academic Bowl Team and was the 2nd smartest person on it. We competed and got 3rd in the atlantic region. I graduated with a merit diploma (the highest offered at MSSD), two scholarships, and an award for most avid reader in the school.

I thought I was smart. But I dreaded going to college...

I decided to go to Temple University. When I first got there....

I remember looking at all the kids and feeling like I didnt belong. Like I was an alien. I broke down crying and told my mom I didnt want to be there. She took me home for a weekend and then I stayed at school for the semester, getting a whopping 1.14 gpa my first semester. I was devestated. After all the success I had in high school, I was an idiot in college.

Then, Max died....I went to his memorial service at a synagogue in NYC & at his high school he had always talked to me about. I was devestated about his death. Who was going to understand me now that he was dead?

I remember sitting in class after all the memorial services and not being able to focus. My bst friend was dead. What the fresia was I going to do? Somehow I still got a 3.5 gpa that semester, even in the midst of grief.

I transferred to another college that summer. My first summer class I did extrodinarily well in. I got a 4.0 in that class.

Then I took a writing course and it was in the middle of writing one of the papers for this course that I had a mental breakdown. I just couldnt get the goddamned paper to work and all the readings I had done were quite hard and over my head. I remember crying a lot that august.

And my depression carried into my fall semester....my gpa was a C average...

And then lowered even further my spring semester....a lower c average.

I felt like honeysuckle.

I felt like I couldnt do my work. I felt stupid. I felt useless. I felt horrible inside. I felt like i was breaking, drowning, falling down into a big black pit of despair that I couldnt get out of.

I missed max. I missed him so much. And I despaired at my ability to do my homework/classwork.

My hygiene got worse.

I didnt care anymore about anything. I began to take books off my shelves in my room. And I loved my books more than anything....

But my insides felt so blank. So cold. I would look at my books in my room and I'd see nothing. Nothing useful. Nothing worthwhile.
Total and complete nothingness. So i began to take them off my shelves and put them in the basement. I took all my knick nacks out of my room and slowly but surely my room became more blank, just like I felt on the inside.

I was put on anti depressants. It got so bad that I considered and made a half hearted attempt to end my life. This was in december of last year.

After two rough semesters at York College.... I decided to transfer to Gallaudet university.

I remember staying in my room for 3 days last semester. 3 whole days in isolation. Doing absolutely nothing. Running from everything that scared me so shitless. Running from my despair that I could ever ever solve anything. I avoided things and felt ashamed about my inability to face life and the things that scared me.

and then...that semester ended. I felt stupid once again. How in the bloody hell was I going to get into Graduate school if I kept pulling C's. and I barely pulled a C at that.

I remember waking up last semester...the sunlight streaming in through my window...i woke up...looked at my laptop & realized how much it had taken away from me. I realized how much my depression had taken away from me. I realized how much my avoidance had cost me.


After this last semester ended I decided to stop going on Second Life. during the whole time I was depressed I was talking to this person who lied to me about who they were. And I had-had enough....I told them that I wasnt going to talk to them anymore after a huge argument.

And I havent gone on Second Life since december.

Before this semester began, I told my mom I didnt want to come back..that I just wanted to get a job somewhere and take a break from college. She responded by taking me to my old academic advisor at penn state. I broke down in tears in the meeting.

My mom took me to my OVR counselor the next day (the people who are in charge of my scholarship). I broke down in tears there too.

I felt so stuck in not being able to do what I wanted to do and frustrated at myself that I kept hiding from my problems. That I kept not doing my work. I felt like I was never ever going to be able to not fear every paper and test/assignment that came my way. I felt so stupid. Other kids could do it, why couldnt I?

I went back to Gallaudet.

Things were different because I wasnt on Second Life anymore. I had figure out that if I made a little binder that laid out all the expectations/goals I had for my semester, if I could SEE what I had to do, much like I could see what I needed to do for my reading goals....That if I did this it created GOOD feelings about school.

I began to do my assignments...reading my textbooks...

And then...I realized something. After all the darkness and all the pain I had a monumental breakthrough.

I was reading a thread on another forum...and it hit me. It really REALLY hit me...

I've been through so much in my life. Against the odds I am standing here before you. Ive endured countless surgeries. Stood up to my father and had the strength to shut him out of my life, gained the courage to be able to take care of myself medically...endured the death of my best friend...had the strength to stop talking to marcos...the strength to keep holding on when I was in a very dark place.

I realized....that I am an overcomer. I have climbed mountains that some people never have to climb. And still others fail.

And I forgot that when I was depressed. I forgot how far I had come. The strength I had within me. The courage....the determination. I had forgotten.

I had forgotten my motto "If you fall off your horse, get back on it."

And I realized that I WAS capable of doing my schoolwork, that I WAS capable of facing the world as an adult...that I COULD do it.

And suddenly...my whole world view shifted. Did a hundred and 180 degree spin. Everything I had one been afraid of and despaired about, I now looked at as a challenge. It they were no longer things which disturbed my sleep at night.

And my grades. Hell, theyve shot straight through the roof.

And all I could say to myself was "******* FINALLY!!"

After all the time being stuck and despairing that things would ever change, I finally realized that my view of the world was wrong. And with my view of the world changing...everything has changed for me.

Everything.

I now realize how successful people are ...well...successful.

And I feel...good self esteem for the first time in YEARS.

I can. I am. And I will.

[youtube]nQPmY4nIjVE[/youtube]
 
dearest, you are simply one of the most amazing people i have ever seen in my life.
i could tell you this even before i read this.

now i just have solid proof :D:D:D

(hug)

dearest, you are a wonderful inspiration, and i simply cannot TELL you, just how amazing it is to have you here.
by whatever virtue your life was saved - i am forever grateful to it :) you ARE an overcomer, and you are one of the most amazing, strongest people i know.

dearest, i AM bad with words. none seem to apply, to be strong enough to tell you just how proud you should be of your achievements.

dearest, life teaches us all hard lessons, and throws a lot of trouble in our face.

this is one of the times when i can see how awesome this world can be.
that there are people like you in it.

keep shining darlingest. (not like anything can stop you :D)

shade.
 
:S I m just posting for the sake of posting now that I told you that "I am reading your thread", but no idea what to post :S. Maybe I will just say it again as I usually do "You are so ******* money Soph and you don't even know it" :S
 
Soph, this gave me goosebumps. I know i already told you in chat, but ..wow,what an amazing achievement. You are an inspiration to many. Thank you so much for sharing your story. ((HUGS))
 
wow. amazing. it's really late here and my brain is mush but i can't leave without saying that that blows me away. you're one hell of a survivor and it sounds great that your life has done a turnaround and is heading in the direction you want.

keep kickin' arse! :)
 
Some people have the capacity to endure - which you have. Thanks for not giving up.
 
:D YAY Sophia! :D Everyone is totally right about what they're saying about you! You are resilient, strong, capable, and a great example of a human being!

Haha I told you you're a mountain climber. :p

SophiaGrace said:
Everything I had one been afraid of and despaired about, I now looked at as a challenge.

Awesome attitude and outlook. :D Seriously.

SophiaGrace said:
And my grades. Hell, theyve shot straight through the roof.

XD lol yeah when you remember to do your homework.

SophiaGrace said:
I can. I am. And I will.

I believe in you, Soph. :) But more importantly, I think you believe in yourself...and that's just ossums. :D Not many people these days do believe in themselves...but YOU do, and with that mindset, you can accomplish anything. ANYTHING!! POWAAHHH!!!

----Steve
 
That is truly an amazing story and I'm so glad that you are here to share it with us. You are by far a much stronger person than I will ever hope to be. Your story makes me want to be stronger myself and makes me see that there are positive sides to everything.

You are such an intelligent and beautiful person. Don't ever let people tell you otherwise.

I agree with Shade that people like you make me see how the world can be so great. Thanks so much for being here and continue to be the kind, caring, strong, awesome person you have become even after overcoming such obstacles placed in your life.
 
Remedy said:
That is truly an amazing story and I'm so glad that you are here to share it with us. You are by far a much stronger person than I will ever hope to be. Your story makes me want to be stronger myself and makes me see that there are positive sides to everything.

You are such an intelligent and beautiful person. Don't ever let people tell you otherwise.

I agree with Shade that people like you make me see how the world can be so great. Thanks so much for being here and continue to be the kind, caring, strong, awesome person you have become even after overcoming such obstacles placed in your life.

You know, sometimes we dont feel strong...

But we are :). We just have to realize it and keep the memory of what we've overcome in our lives to create courage and strength that'll give us the energy to climb more mountains.

For example, every time you turn off the tv and go do some work, you're overcoming your desire to do nothing an not do work. That is overcoming something. Small hills turn into mountains.

Every time you wake up in the morning. That's a step.

Every time you choose not to give up. THat's another step in a rocky face.

Face your fears. You'll be stronger for it.

You have to realize what you want from life, and go for it...one day at a time, one tiny step at a time....

and before you know it you've gotten somewhere you've climbed some sort of mountain and you say to yourself " i did it..." and it's the most awesome feeling in the world because you're overlooking a breathtaking vista that you climbed up to see.
 
Inspirational, Soph! :)
I'm very happy to hear you're in a better place now than before, and may you keep climbing to higher altitudes :D
How we view the world and ourselves can indeed make all the difference.
I would've written much more but I'm afraid I'm quite tired and can't think lol
I'll just hug you instead :)

(((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))



 
I read every single word, Soph.

I am so proud of you. You are one of the strongest people I have met and I admire you for overcoming all of the trials and tribulations that has stood in your way. Your story is truly inspirational.

I'm thankful you're here with us today. You shine a lot light and bring warmth into other people's - including mine.
 
SophiaGrace said:
I've been through so much in my life. Against the odds I am standing here before you. Ive endured countless surgeries. Stood up to my father and had the strength to shut him out of my life, gained the courage to be able to take care of myself medically...endured the death of my best friend...had the strength to stop talking to marcos...the strength to keep holding on when I was in a very dark place.

Why I was reading this I was thinking you have gone throw all this and yet you are depressed now.

Sophia, it doesn't matter if you never achieve one moor thing in your life. You have already won the battle. I mean you have all ready gone tho moor then most ppl do in 2 life times and yet your still here and breathing and enjoying simple pleasures in life like the sun shining fro the window. A small thing but that is what life is. Lots of small pleasures that make life what it is. I always think that the ppl that make the most out of the little things are amongst the happiest ppl that live.

You know when you have to battle so much like you did growing up. That in a way is not the hardest part. Its after when you have to start dealing with ppl like the kids that where calling you and looking after yourself. Its then that it becomes harder I think. Its then that you learn to become who you would like to be. That's not always so easy when there are things you know you can never change no matter what you do. Its trying to get to where you wont to be that's the hard part. That's the biggest battle we all face I think.

Also am glad you are taking batter care of yourself. Your moor of an inspiration then you think and am sure most ppl who know you on here or in real life would look up to you.

It is also weird that you started getting rid of all your stuff like your books and stuff. I think ppl do that to clear things out. It kinder makes it easier to think clearly. I am a bit of a minimalist anyway. My gran always says I don't have enough stuff in my home lol But then she's a right clutterlist. (is clutterlist a word? lol)

Anyway that was good to read over a cup of tea and am glad your doing better now :)
 
Actually Bluey I dont feel depressed anymore. Nevermore told me in another post that all we have is this life...

So I've reasoned that if this life is all I have, then I shouldnt go through it with a frown. I should smile and enjoy it.

And yeah I've found that it's been much harder to learn to become independent and find my own identity. It's like it happened later than it happens for everyone else because I had nurses around me all the time and my mom ....being away from home has helped facilitate this process i think :)

lol yeah Looking back on when I cleared my room out, it makes me wonder if I went a bit psychotic :/

Then again I never put the knick nacks back because I liked that it gave me more space to "breathe" :p

Minimalism ftw!

lol what tea were you drinking bluey? xD
 
I always knew you were a strong person, i never realized just how strong.
 
SophiaGrace said:
lol what tea were you drinking bluey? xD

Tetley tea is the only one to have for me :D lol
Yesterday I got up and put orange juice in my cup of tea instead of milk.
That did not taste so good so I had to frow that and make another.
Just some random info for you that am sure you feel better knowing :p
 
Wow, that was a touching story. Good for you. Never forget that feeling when the sun came streaming in.
 
I've already read this thread a couple days ago, and I still don't know what to say. I'd like to say that I'm impressed, but that would really be an understatement. I like to think that I had it rough, but you're definitely an inspiration Sophia.
 
<3

Thanks for sharing Sophia! ((((((hug))))))

You're an amazing person!
 
i dont know what to say really, but it is an amazing story.. you have been through a lot and i can only hope that life will send a lot of good your way.
 

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