I'm trying to take the next step but I'm afraid of what may happen

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

Remedy

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 11, 2009
Messages
299
Reaction score
0
Ok, I've been thinking much more positively lately but my mind feels like it has been having an on going war between negativity and positivity. Don't worry this isn't another generalization or at least I hope it isn't :S.

Before this forum, I used to go another forum that was full of self centered people, who thought they were just it, and truly only thought about what they could gain from everything. Of course not everyone was like that but I guess it was the place that filled me up with such negative thoughts so I don't go there anymore.

What I'm getting at is that I'm becoming ready to branch out and try to get into relationships but I'm afraid of the consequences of being so inexperienced. I guess I just want to be reassured that there are truly plenty of people out there who don't care about all that. Since some of the thoughts from that other forum composed of people saying that they wouldn't want someone who is inexperienced. I know that there are plenty of people who don't care about that, but I'm just afraid I'll run into the ones who feels that way.

Such examples include being bad at kissing or not knowing how to please someone in bed. I guess some people are so focused on what pleasure they receive from others so I'm typically afraid of running into such a person which would hurt this self-esteem I'm trying to grow. Another example from how some people think that terrifies me is(which has nothing to do with being inexperinced) that some of these women on the forum I go talked about how if a man isn't big enough down there, they said they would drop him. I know that not everyone thinks this way! I'm just saying I guess I'm terrified in running into people like this so its holding me back from doing what I want to do.

I'm just having a rather hard time coping and feeling ok with how inexperienced I am. Just how it effects how other people will see me because there are some people who would laugh at it. I know that there are plenty of people who think much differently and I hope to find them. I have met friends online who think the way I hope someone will think when I meet someone out in public so I know they are out there. I guess if I meet someone who looks down upon me for being so inexperienced I should just take it well and think they were no good for me anyways. But it's just so hard to take it that well, so I guess I need to finally man-up and just try to see where it gets me. So there are plenty of people who don't look down upon such a lack of experience right 0_o? Just so afraid of what may happen when I try to put myself out there.

____________________________________________________________

Sorry if I'm so self conscious all the time and question everything. I'm really trying to improve so I just post a little here and there to try and help me vent some frustrations a bit. This is not a generalization this time :) and I just want to thank this forum for being so great with so many understanding people who are so helpful.
 
You will never know unless you try :) Go for it and learn from it :)
 
Remedy,

We're all inexperienced at one time or another and it's just practice, I fear things too but not in a sexual way. I can tell you this once you try kissing you develope your own technique, it's the kind of thing that you have to feel your way into.

When you get a girlfriend it should come naturally and usually passion or arousal helps and add to the bit of confidence you need. Things are scary when you don't know how to do them and the more you think about it the harder it gets.

Some girls are fickle when it comes to a man's size but not everyone is like that. Without going into detail it's about how well your in bed that counts, more girls will leave if your not. Be honest when you feel the time is right and tell your girlfriend that you're a virgin, if she likes you for who you are she'll stick around. I'd wait until a relationship is establised.

Until then unkown territory is going to cause you to be scared, that's normal. Try not to be too hard on yourself.
 
i agree with samba :)

i think that if a girl is willing to leave you over something superficial - you ARE better off without her.

keep being positive, and i think you should maybe look at other people abit less :p i think it might help you keep your positivity up a bit easier :)))

well, you know what i think, lol XD
 
Hi Remedy, We have not meet be for.

I think if anyone looks down on you cos of you being inexperienced then there not worth knowing.
Even if you have been with over a hundred partners it still doesn't mean the next girl you get with well love what you have to offer.

How would it matter to anyone how many times you've made love?
I think most men and women would prefer there partner to have 0 experience.
What one person likes another wont anyway. So experience means nothing here anyway.
If the girl likes you then she well like your kissers.
The first time I kissed a girl our teeth clashed. It was funny cos I made it to be funny.
You gotta have a laugh you know.
Its also doesn't matter what you got down stairs. It really is what you do with it and how you treat her.
Be nice, have a joke and she well love you for you even if what you got down there isnt much. I ent the biggest of guys but what I got dose me for what I use it for, which unfortunately for me is not as much as I would like lol But doesn't stop me dreaming about it.
 
Most women I've been with are experinced and self assuring.. Some found my inexperience a turn on.
Pretty much all the women I've been with taught me how to kiss and etc.
They bascailly tell me how they want it, where they and where they want it....(listen and follow instructions :p)
All women I've been with likes to turn me on. I pretty much feel the sameway...I get turn on even more when she gets turned on.

The thing about having sex or making love with someone is ...it's letting go..whatever your insecurities, guilt, shame.
It's being in the moment with someone. It's also about trust. Trusting someone with your body.
She'll bascailly let me kiss or lick her from head to toe. visa versa...It's about not being judgemental.
Every women that I've been with actaully tells me to tie her up. She knows I'm not going to hurt her.
Your naked...baring all. So whatever fears or insecurities you have pretty much vanishes...
That is my definition of "intimate"...it's not just the *******.
 
Remedy said:
I'm becoming ready to branch out and try to get into relationships but I'm afraid of the consequences of being so inexperienced.

It's not really that bad...the consequences aren't really that negative at all. In fact, a lot of women might find social shyness or awkwardness to be cute and endearing. :)

Remedy said:
Such examples include being bad at kissing or not knowing how to please someone in bed.

There are sooooo many ways to have sex, and so many different interests and fetishes and preferences....that this isn't really a problem either. Half of the fun of having sex is learning about what it is that turns on your partner, and working to do those things better and better. Every person has different tastes and wants in bed....so it's very possible/probable that a guy could be a sexual "expert" with one woman and also a sexual "failure" with a different woman.

So don't worry about this stuff so much. Besides...women love to teach a guy how to please her. :p

Remedy said:
so I guess I need to finally man-up and just try to see where it gets me.

Spot on, man! Inexperience isn't a negative thing, it's an opportunity. The only option is to stay where you are or to move forward and start gathering that experience. :D I think you're gonna do fine.

----Steve
 
Thanks for all the great replies and it really helps. I guess I was mostly venting to be reassured of the fact that not everyone out there thinks this way and I received what I was wanting to know, thanks. Don't get me wrong though when I gave such examples as sex, it is not what I think about all the time. I try to put it in the back of my mind but some people focus on it so much I can't help but to think about it. I know nobody questioned it but I just wanted to show that I don't.

Currently trying to get a job through a program since the unemployment rate is so high here. So when I get out more with working I'll try to put such new ways of thinking to the test. Hopefully I can use some of the confidence I try to gain from here outside in public.
 
It's OK to be scared - everyone has to start somewhere. I haven't sifted through all of the replies, so I apologize if I say something that has already been said.

However, I do agree with samba:

samba101 said:
Be honest when you feel the time is right and tell your girlfriend that you're a virgin, if she likes you for who you are she'll stick around. I'd wait until a relationship is establised.
 
Lonesome Crow said:
Most women I've been with are experinced and self assuring.. Some found my inexperience a turn on.
Pretty much all the women I've been with taught me how to kiss and etc.
They bascailly tell me how they want it, where they and where they want it....(listen and follow instructions :p)

That is my definition of "intimate"...it's not just the *******.

Lol Lonesome, I like ur summary of being intimate it's rly straight forward, but it's down to earth... made me realize it doesn't totally suck to be inexperienced =P

TY for an awesome eye-opener:D
 
samba101 said:
Remedy,

We're all inexperienced at one time or another and it's just practice, I fear things too but not in a sexual way. I can tell you this once you try kissing you develope your own technique, it's the kind of thing that you have to feel your way into.

Samba, I think he worries about the fact that the first encounter with a woman won't go as planned because he is inexperienced and she is not. When a boy and a girl of let's say 16, do it for the first time, they have less to be ashamed off, because they are both inexperienced... but when you are in your mid 20's its highly likely that you will encounter someone with experience and expects YOU to be too.

And then the fact that most (pretty women) just move on when they don't get the satisfaction they want, because; "like I care, I can get anyone I want"

Well, that's what I think he means though :)
 
Maverick1989 said:
Samba, I think he worries about the fact that the first encounter with a woman won't go as planned because he is inexperienced and she is not. When a boy and a girl of let's say 16, do it for the first time, they have less to be ashamed off, because they are both inexperienced... but when you are in your mid 20's its highly likely that you will encounter someone with experience and expects YOU to be too.

And then the fact that most (pretty women) just move on when they don't get the satisfaction they want, because; "like I care, I can get anyone I want"

Well, that's what I think he means though :)

You are mostly right about everything I said except I don't feel the same way about the "pretty women" thing. Any and all people who think this way does not necessarily mean that they are usually pretty. It doesn't really matter what a person looks like because anyone can feel this way regardless of looks.

Also, what someone thinks is pretty completely differs from one person to the next. I just wish there was a way to find out sooner if someone doesn't like people who are inexperienced. So you don't have to get into something with someone and than end up feeling down when they drop you because you are.

I get what you all mean though, that if someone drops you for it you're better off. I guess I just hope to find someone who will like me for me and show me how to do things but it seems people like that are getting harder to find. I don't get how anyone is suppose to be good at something if they have never done it before :/. That's in the future(hopefully) and I'll try not to think about it to much.
 
Remedy said:
I just wish there was a way to find out sooner if someone doesn't like people who are inexperienced. So you don't have to get into something with someone and than end up feeling down when they drop you because you are.

Well, I find that brutal, complete honesty almost always works. Make it a point to tell them right from the start that you haven't had a lot of experience. You could even make it humorous, like this, "I know it sounds lame, but I don't have a lot of experience in this area...so don't make fun of me! :p"

Do it with that attitude, and most likely they're not going to be scared off or anything. Let 'em know you're not uber-experienced, but also let 'em know that it's not a big deal to you.

Remedy said:
I don't get how anyone is suppose to be good at something if they have never done it before :/

lol yeah...that's true. I think I've said it before, though...I think those people that HAVE to have experienced partners are the minority. Most people would probably be willing to give you a chance no matter what sort of previous experience you may or may not have. ^_^

----Steve
 
Just let yourself go and let your man instincts take over. Before I was with my first girlfriend, I too thought that my inexperience would discourage her, but it didn't.

I've been getting back into the swing of talking to girls. As I progress, one major thing I've noticed is that getting better at it has involved stripping myself of most of the anxieties, conflicting thoughts, and mannerisms and behaviors that I was raised with as I was growing up. It's almost like I'm reverting to a consistent set of behaviors that I was born with. I feel more at harmony with myself now, because I look at the world from my own eyes and from my own soul. I basically put myself at the center of my world. It may sound selfish, but we all need to take care of ourselves and look after ourselves. Really, I don't care what people might think, nor do I even remotely care about what kind of male I feel that I'm expected to be (or any experience that I'm expected to have ;)).

Really, I just don't give a fresia anymore, and I do what I want to do, and I say what I want to say. It's really very liberating and empowering. Just let go of your worries, and don't worry about what she might think. Worrying about those kinds of things will screw you over. We all start somewhere. There are guys who start out pretty late, yet there are women who accept them very willingly. So don't worry about not having experience. Just practice and build up the experience along the way.

Sorry for the rant, but I hope that at least some of the info in my post will help you. Good luck, and chin up!!
 
you think a lot remedy... i dont mean it in a bad way at all.. but i dont think as much as you at all

you worry a lot..
my advice is this; stop thinking.. just act and see where things go.
stop thinking about what may happen or about what people may think or about any of these things


just act... life is a lot more fun this way.

if you find yourself thinking about a future conversation.. what she may say.. what you will say.. STOP.
call her.. have a random conversation.. one you did not plan or review in your head.

if you continue to think so much you may depress yourself as things will almost NEVER go as you planned it in your head.

stop thinking.. if you like a girl.. go tell her NOW.
give the world a chance.. just tell her.. you may be rejected you may not be..
AT LEAST YOU WILL HAVE THE PEACE OF MIND THAT YOU TRIED.

so yes that is my advice... DO NOT THINK SO MUCH!
 
Hadrurus said:
Really, I just don't give a fresia anymore, and I do what I want to do, and I say what I want to say. It's really very liberating and empowering. Just let go of your worries, and don't worry about what she might think.

Completely awesome, Hadrurus. I couldn't agree more. Strangely enough, that is the exact attitude that women find most appealing in a man...the "I don't care what you think," attitude. :D

----Steve
 
There are times when thinking it over and over just will not get you anywhere. Learn to take risk. Not all things can be measured in thoughts and in numbers. Remember, every one of us had to take that first step. We acquire our experiences after that first step through time.

If that someone finds it hard to accept your innocence then maybe you're just not meant for each other. Think positive. :)
 

Latest posts

Back
Top