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kichigai

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kichigai (Japanese word approx. translating into 'insanity') here on a rainy Friday night; almost 38 physically, almost 21 mentally; single (so very, very single) with one 6-month relationship to my credit.
6'1", 10 lbs underweight (for my height), and I've been told that I'm pretty good looking, although there's this little self-esteem demon that's always telling me otherwise.
Meeting new people is insanely hard as I suffer from "shyness" (there should be a stronger word for it), which is bordering on the symptoms of a mild form of Asperger's Syndrome: a near-impossibility to make or maintain eye-contact, the mind 'going blank' when approached by anyone - coming off as having no interest, having nothing to say, or being 'slow' or boring; a general nervous and suspicious mindset; mood swings with lapses into mild/medium depression; a type of ADD as a part of the package (hard to focus on anything mentally); a sensitive persona; and the inability to read body language - or what I call 'emotional dyslexia'. The last one works two ways; a person who can't understand another's body language gives off either an emotional stiffness or confusing signals of their own.

Yes, I'm a lot of work :rolleyes:, but I'm good at controlling it so as not to drive my remaining friends (crazy) away with being moody or complaining all the time (and I've found that one of the disappointing things about growing older is that friends will eventually find their own paths and move out of town or get married, falling away like leaves from a tree in the autumn... However, another part about growing older is accumulating lots of solid advice that I never seem to heed myself but can pass along to others).

Anyway, it's getting late and I've got a lot of.... well, nothing to do, really - I'll just head to bed, I guess. But it looks like I'll be haunting this site for awhile, until I eventually find someone and my posts abruptly and mysteriously stop... :)
 
Yep, still here. The weekends are my low-point, which is usually when I come around. Some wknds I'll watch a movie with the roommate, tho'. Helps some.
 
i can't tell you how often i've watched movies to escape from the real world. it works well for the time they're on, but unfortunately not for much longer.

you have a roommate, so you do have some social interaction at least.

the social interaction i have at times doesn't always tend to be positive, or leaves me wanting something longer lasting, or more helpful. my work/life situation right now is probably at the lowest point, so it's hard to want to "share" that with anyone...
 
Hi Kichigai,

Welcome! I hope that you will meet many kind and friendly people on this site. I must say that you do have a very good amount of insight into your problems. I also suffer from emotional dyslexia as you put it--the inability to read other people's social cues. I am not sure exactly what kind of behavior is necessarily appropriate. I do strike up conversations with strangers, usually men, and I usually start the conversation by teasing them or saying something very blunt. Some people take it as aggresiveness and are nasty back, which hurts my feelings. Others seem to know that I am just being bold and pushy to start a conversation and it is my way of being friendly--I tend to be very bold and self-deprecating.
 
Quote:
"you have a roommate, so you do have some social interaction at least."

Yes, however...
How's this for a set-up:
1.I'm male, and she's female;
2.We've been friends for 17 yrs.;
3.About 15 yrs. in we decided to 'be more than friends' and became a couple, which lasted six months and ended in a mess of confusion & heartache. After a couple months we patched things up & were friends again.
4.She's born-again (happened before we started the 'going steady' & I had no idea until afterwards [she never came out & told me, for some reason]; had nothing to do w/the breakup);
5.The longer we're alone separately, the deeper she gets into her beliefs (a large portion of my outer family is extremely religious, up to a point where abuse is tolerated, so naturally I'm concerned) & I go through weird waves of loving her as she used to be and being content with the regular friendship - it's a confused feeling; we need another L-word, as it's not as weak as like, one-dimensional as lust, and somehow it falls short of love...

Has sit-com written all over it, no?

And yeah, the gap between the end of the movie and falling asleep is a hard one to fill.

Quote:
Some people take it as aggresiveness and are nasty back

A lot of shy guys like aggressive women - it eliminates the opening step of meeting someone for them - and I'm one of them, but I think it's human... or rather male nature to be instinctively cautious/wary/taken aback by an aggressive woman, as it's unexpected. I wouldn't tame it down, tho' - if the guy's worth it, he'll adjust in a minute or so into the conversation...

I remember a very attractive woman who I worked with for a short time who - after a short introduction from herself - came right out and mentioned she'd like to take me home and keep me in her closet so she could bring me out whenever she pleased.
I mean, maybe not on the first date, but...
Anyway, I was like, "uhhh..." (see the asperger's thing), and she took my stunned silence by laughing, looking a little sheepish, and saying she was sorry and I was probably religious or something - to which I smiled and let out a little laugh myself, which seemed to confirm the presumption in her mind. After that I was too embarrassed to bring it up again & try to get to know her.
Strike another one up for the ol' grey matter.

Oh well.
 
kichigai
born again, huh? that's too bad (well, at least in my mind it is).

velvet underground...
do you listen to stuff like death in june or the virgin prunes or nico?
just curious.
 
So i typed "I am lonely" on Google, and ended up registering on this forum. Honestly, I didn't expect to find anything, and I did it just out of utter loneliness. My fingers just typed out the phrase and I hit enter. I don't know what I'm expecting out of registering here, but I do know that it really hurts to feel lonely. And I'm not sure why I am lonely...
I hate it and I can't seem to know what to do where it's hard to meet people; you don't know how easy to trust new people. I don't know... I guess I'm just babbling! I've posted this in several areas because I'm desperate to talk! :p..
 
Quote:
born again, huh? that's too bad (well, at least in my mind it is)

Well, it was good for her - a miserable life, on top of which one bad relationship after another, together with an undefined chronic neural illness. Now she's the happiest I've ever seen her & if it took religion to do it, I'm glad (for all the faults, turning to a belief-system is better than turning to a crack-pipe or bottle of sleeping pills!). But parts of the old her which I loved are now gone & it's really hard (and strange) to see someone get altered like that. I've had experience with many b.a.'s & some just flip right into a whole new persona & literally attack others with their bible's (like a cousin of mine who fortunately snapped out of it & returned to normal after three months), and only physically resemble their former self.
Another family member went b.a. and became a fundamentalist preacher - for 27 years, until he came across some contradictions in the religion which he couldn't handle. Now he's back to the old him. Very strange phenomenon.

(And haven't heard D.I.J. - noticed a lot of people liked the Prunes so I downloaded an album but couldn't get into it. Might give it another try in a few months, though. As for Nico - I love the voice but it's like a rich dessert - I can't take too much of it at a time;))
 
well, people who "switch over" seem to become very judgemental, & then everyone who doesn't believe what they believe is wrong & will end up in hell or something. my one sister actually believes that my aunt went to hell becuz she was never baptized. i don't even believe in hell at all, or any of that, so to me my sister seems highly ridiculous. i almost feel sorry for her since she's gotten so brainwashed, & she's passing that on to her kid.

(the only prunes thing that is really good is the LP that i think is called 'if i die, i die' - i can even listen to that these days. i don't listen to nico now either but don't mind hearing a little bit now & then.)

Med: it is kinda surprising finding a place like this. with me, there's a lot more problems than just being lonely, so i don't come here that much since it's not "all encompassing" (not like i would expect it to be, but i don't feel like complaining about everything else under the sun that's wrong). hope you find some comfort here.
 

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