Hello members! Here is a bit about me

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notsoclueless

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I started a blog because when I was going through my hard times I didn’t have much help. I thought if I can share my story with people they would feel so alone. So I begin to write and I notice how much pain I still felt. I find it hard for one to use I so much and to truly express the depth of my situation. It is because I am a person who is more passive and I don’t like to bring so much attention to myself, so I down play things. I will just put some of it out there. I figure unless future employers see this, I have nothing to lose. I am a first generation American. I found that at a young age I felt I was wiser than many of the children.

Even though I more mature than my age, it does not mean I don’t screw up. In fact as a young child I was bad. I still think I was not as bad as some can be. Because I was so curious and had to try things for myself, I tend to get hurt a lot. My mom believes strongly in beating a child. Eventually my behind got so use to the pain she had to upgrade the belt.
My life issues where created before I was born. My mom was not married to my dad at the time and as a young girl who also had troubles past and did not know better had two boyfriends. I guess you can see where that went with me being born. I was sent to another country to live with my dad parents. My mom came to get me back and bring me to America. By the time she came to get me I already had became a “problem child”. It was really because I spoke my mind and did what I wanted to do at the age of like four.

The issues I face going to school in America is that my accent caused me to be teased. Also to make it worst I was picked on for wearing skirts because of my mom religion. In second grade a box to a liking to punching my stomach after school every day. The funny thing is I was a bully at first and then became bullied. His punch never hurt me but it bothered me. I had doors slammed purposely on my face and looked over on Valentine Day because of spite. So many issues and I was not even in fourth grade. The odd thing is I can handle myself; I could beat most of the boys up if I wanted to.

Eventually I broke down and failed a grade. I was an A student before that. It took me time to recover from my Fs. I switch schools but all was the same in sense. Student even stooped the old kick me sign. So that is when I began to skip in elementary school. Eventually I pulled my act together in middle school.

My personal life on the other hand, was not always so great. Like many girls and boys I was molested few times by different cousins. Since I didn’t understand the magnitude of their actions until I was older. It often bothered me in my teen years that those thing happened. It was like repressed memories that came back to me in my teen years. Also as a teenager I suffered from stressed cause by family members. I often question if my dad cared about me because the way he always treated me. My dad is a product of child hood depression would often verbally abuse me. I felt worthless and not beautiful. My mom who was only trying to be a good mother also added issues to my life.

I felt I didn’t fit in with many people. I became socially awkward. I would cry myself to sleep many times or just cry in general. People I trusted betrayed and use me to gain something. This made me with draw from socializing. I felt alone and sad way than a normal person should. I got really bad. Sorry If I am not going to deep into details. I guess you must take my word for it, I been through some really crazy stuff. I attempted suicide so many times and failed. Two of them were pretty funny in retrospect. One I told a friend I am done I am going to kill myself now. He couldn’t do anything because he lived in a different country. I swallowed s bottle of pills and waited to die. After building up a scene of panic for him and who so ever he contacted….nothing happened. The pills had no effect. Then I try to slit my wrist but it hurt way too much for me to continue. I really don’t see how people cut their wrist. I am a person use to physical pain, like I said I am curious or mischievous. I once split my pinky in half and suffered numerous inflictions by accident.

Not only that I do suffer from stupid ailments that make me sick too much. It is nothing serious, like life threatening, but it still a pain to my body. It helps be avoid school, so I can’t complain. Sometimes I would skip school and use my illness as an excuse. My mom would make sure the school knew I miss those days because I do get sick a lot but little did she know I was skipping. I had some of the best time skipping. I hated school. I didn’t even have to show up and I would pass my class with As. The classes were not challenging and the people where not the best. There also a huge thing that is happening to me since 4 to 3 years now. I won’t really get into it because I know it is hard to believe. This event added to my stress and I couldn’t sleep at night. It was controlling my life.

My parents are living together but separated. My dad tends to pull me into his issues with my mom. When I talk to him I am always left feeling sad. He abuses my mom verbally as he does me. He has his favorite son. Right now I am just dealing with their issues after they fought a few days ago. I wanted to stay far away from them and their drama but somehow I am always involved.

I just want to be happy. I don’t want to seem ungrateful. I know I am blessed but it doesn’t change the fact that I am stuck in depression, loneliness, and sadness.

If there is errors in my how I typed the story, I am sorry. My grammar is not the best when it comes to using it. Haha I tend not to proof read.
 
Haha, I'll let my grammar nazi ways slip this time then. lol
Anyway, welcome. Hope you find some friends here that can help you to achieve happiness.
Check out the chat if you want people to talk to at most times of the day. I would be in there right now, but it's blocked here at school. lol
And if you want, fill out your information on your profile. Should be a topic in this section about how to do so. But anyway, welcome. Have fun. Hope we can help.
 
I don't have the drive to go to college or anything, I'll stick with small time journalism until I get my writing career off the ground. lol. You read any of my stuff yet? It's in the Express Yourself section.
 
Oh ok. College sucks anyway. lol The classes repetitive and you can only learn so much them. I will read some of your "stuff".
 

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