ALL Book by Sin - Prologue

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The Wonderful Sin

The Wonderful Sin

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Before you read, know that the book is half a complete work of fiction, half based on real issues and dealings with people here at this site. The prologue under this is one of those complete works of fiction.
If you would help me re-word a few things maybe, and help come up with a name for the character in the prologue. He will be a somewhat minor character throughout the book, so he needs a name and a username. It will not be stated that he is the same person anywhere in the book, but it will definitely be known. So if I could have that little bit of help.
Lastly, enjoy the prologue. I poured my heart into it, and it is rather depressing, but enjoy it anyway. Thank you.

-------------------------------------
And note that the formatting is correct on my Word document I have it from, it changed it when I posted it here, but it is correct, so that doesn't need fixing lol.

The door slams shut as (Enter name here) walks to his computer. The power button lights up. Tears hit the keyboard as the computer loads. A loud sniffle when he tries to catch himself as the computer is finished loading. He drags his mouse up to the address bar and begins typing. A-L-O-N-E… The link he wants comes up. (name) drags the cursor to a link that reads, “www.alonelylife.com” and clicks it. A smile fills his melancholy face as the main page of the forums comes to view.
Shaking, he scrolls down to the ‘Miscellaneous’ section of the forums. As he clicks it, the Earth starts to weep. A warm tear trickles down his face as he clicks the ‘New Topic’ button. His fingers hit the keyboard at a lightning speed that seems to take years to stop.
“To Anyone Who Might Give a ****,”
He rises from the computer desk and moves to the door.
“Thank you for these many months of happiness. Thank you to those of you who have spoken with me. You have helped me out greatly. This site has helped me find out what is truly important in my life. You all helped me realize those things. Because of all of you, I have been able to smile and laugh once more.”
The lock turns.
“But, life off the internet has gotten far worse. I have lost everything that I found is important. Everything that has made me smile while away from here. My ex-wife has won full custody of the children, and refuses to let me see them. She has moved half way across the country to assure that I don’t see them. On top of that, I lost my job, my parents died, I never see my friends, and nobody ever seems to care.”
He slowly walks to his bedroom and sits on his bed.
“My time here was fun, but it wasn’t enough.”
A drawer on his bedside opens.
“Which is why I am saying goodbye to all of you, my friends, on this wonderful site.”
A gun finds its way into his hand. He presses it to his temple.
“I will not be returning. Not ever.”
A deep breath.
“By the time any of you read this, I will be long gone. I assure you, I tried. I tried for so long. I only made it this far thanks to you. If God does exist, I will tell him of this wonderful place and all of you wonderful souls who inhabit it. I will miss you and I am sorry. I hope all of you find your little slice of happiness. Never let it get away if you do. I will never forget all of the great laughs, tears, and discussions we shared.”
A tear drop hits the floor with an earth shattering boom.
“To all of you at A.L.L.”
Live and vision fade from his eyes from red to black in a very long instant.
“Thank you.”
Click to expand...
 
Uhm... golly. I feel uncomfortable with that being the way somebody would introduce this site.
 
I know it's rather depressing, but do remember that it is a complete work of fiction, the book will be full of everything that is ALL, that just gets teh book going and shows some of the bad here. Do know that that is the worst in the book I plan to go right there, just to develop a plot in the fiction part of the book.
 
I assume that you mean basic spelling and word choice, and not necessarily concerns of style? See below in red.

That said, my one style note is to avoid passive voice and passive-like constructions in favor of bolder verbs. A example would be in place of "A gun found its way into his hand," "He grasped the gun" UNLESS... the powerlessness and passivity of the protagonist is intentional, like a sign of his defeat.

In general, for the purposes of powerful writing, the passive voice is evil. It kills more kittens than masturbation ever did because it denies action and vivid description.

Should I assume that the sentence fragments are intentional as well, or do you want the full-on Grammar ***** experience? :)

The Wonderful Sin said:
And note that the formatting is correct on my Word document I have it from, it changed it when I posted it here, but it is correct, so that doesn't need fixing lol.

The door slams shut as (Enter name here) walks to his computer. The power button lights up. Tears hit the keyboard as the computer loads. A loud sniffle when he tries to catch himself as the computer is finished loading. He drags his mouse up to the address bar and begins typing. A-L-O-N-E… The link he wants comes up. (name) drags the cursor to a link that reads, “www.alonelylife.com” and clicks it. A smile fills his melancholy face as the main page of the forums comes to view.
Shaking, he scrolls down to the ‘Miscellaneous’ section of the forums. As he clicks it, the Earth starts to weep. A warm tear trickles down his face as he clicks the ‘New Topic’ button. His fingers hit the keyboard at a lightning speed that seems to take years to stop.
“To Anyone Who Might Give a ****,”
He rises from the computer desk and moves to the door.
“Thank you for these many months of happiness. Thank you to those of you who have spoken with me. You have helped me out greatly. This site has helped me find out what is truly important in my life. You all helped me realize those things. Because of all of you, I have been able to smile and laugh once more.”
The lock turns.
“But, life off the internet has gotten far worse. I have lost everything that I found is important. Everything that has made me smile while away from here. My ex-wife has won full custody of the children, and refuses to let me see them. She has moved half way across the country to assure that I don’t see them. On top of that, I lost my job, my parents died, I never see my friends, and nobody ever seems to care.”
He slowly walks to his bedroom and sits on his bed.
“My time here was fun, but it wasn’t enough.”
A drawer on his bedside opens.
“Which is why I am saying goodbye to all of you, my friends, on this wonderful site.”
A gun finds its way into his hand. He presses it to his temple.
“I will not be returning. Not ever.”
A deep breath.
“By the time any of you read this, I will be long gone. I assure you, I tried. I tried for so long. I only made it this far thanks to you. If God does exist, I will tell him of this wonderful place and all of you wonderful souls who inhabit it. I will miss you and I am sorry. I hope all of you find your little slice of happiness. Never let it get away if you do. I will never forget all of the great laughs, tears, and discussions we shared.”
A teardrop hits the floor with an earth-shattering boom.
“To all of you at A.L.L.”
Life and vision fade from his eyes from red to black in a very long instant.
“Thank you.”
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
 
Fragments are intentional. lol, I find them to help get the book going a little faster and keep the reader right there if they are thrown around a bit.
And thank you for those, and yeah, the passive voice is just for the prologue, as he has already given up and it is moving him through his defeat. He has no choice over his movements through this.

So just those 3 little things at the bottom then?

And I still need a name, I'll come up with a username on my own later on for him, but I need a name to finish lol

edit:
and dang lol, I guess I had a slip of the finger in my haste and typed live instead of life lol, life is what was written down. haha
 
The Wonderful Sin said:
Fragments are intentional. lol, I find them to help get the book going a little faster and keep the reader right there if they are thrown around a bit.
And thank you for those, and yeah, the passive voice is just for the prologue, as he has already given up and it is moving him through his defeat. He has no choice over his movements through this.

So just those 3 little things at the bottom then?

And I still need a name, I'll come up with a username on my own later on for him, but I need a name to finish lol

edit:
and dang lol, I guess I had a slip of the finger in my haste and typed live instead of life lol, life is what was written down. haha
Click to expand...



The Prologue has both the visual feel of the opening sequence of a video game, as well as the directions which you might find on a script or a screenplay to give the director or cinematographer vision for the scene.

It's awesome to see a scene visually, but in order to shape that through words, it can take some wrangling of the language.

All that said, it's definitely a powerful opening scene. :)
 
Thank you.
I have everything fixed in the document now, just need to think of a name. Probably do that during my next 2 classes lol, and I'll start the rest of the book Monday during school... well, maybe not until Wednesday because I have a couple speeches to work on.
Anyway, back to what Nerdy said,
Note that teh character had only good things to say about the site, the site was introduced in a loving way, but the character wasn't I may have one or 2 things that are like that through the book still, but it isn't bad. You have to realize that these things do happen here. We may not know about it, but I'm sure they happen, we can only hope this hasn't happened to anyone who has been here. But the site itself is something wonderful.
So please don't dislike it because of that fact.
 
Don't worry. I dislike the idea for reasons beyond it, but I hope you have a lot of fun writing it, anyway.
 
I will, and don't worry, the good times in this site will be all over the book, just small bits of depressing here and there, I don't know if they will get that strong again though, maybe one time near the end, but it has to be a bit depressing to show what this site is and who is here.
 
What do you mean, Eve?


And I have decided simply to leave the character unnamed, refer to him as 'he' 'him' and such. no name shall be given to him.
 
I would suggest leaving things hanging, suicide-wise, until the very end. Once you reach the end, DO NOT KILL HIM. This would run contradictory to the whole purpose of A Lonely LIfe.

If this book is going to work, it has to be life-AFFIRMING. Beginning it with a suicide is a betrayal to all of us who have worked hard to make this a positive place, a place where lonely and depressed people can find some positive reenforcement. It's also a betrayal to those of us who come here as a last resort, searching for any reason to keep on going.

This is a delicate project, and you'll need to walk the finest of lines to be successful in this endeavor.

My two cents.
 
Spare: Note that the events that happen throughout the book are going to revolve around this death. My idea right now is for one of his children, perhaps a 15 year old finding the site and learning about his/her father and getting closer... Know, again, that it is a work of fiction and will have a plot away from the site itself, but the plot will involve the site.
 
The Wonderful Sin said:
What do you mean, Eve?


And I have decided simply to leave the character unnamed, refer to him as 'he' 'him' and such. no name shall be given to him.
Click to expand...

It's very naive to suggest that just by changing a name you will keep someone anonymous. People want to post freely here - not worry that someone might be watching their posts for good tidbits in a BOOK. =\
 
Oh, do not worry about that, I have that completely covered. Like I said, consent forms will be sent out later for those people I will use, and others will be made up. Things may be roughly based, but not at all will it be just a word changing. And I will get consent before using anything.
 
The Wonderful Sin said:
Spare: Note that the events that happen throughout the book are going to revolve around this death. My idea right now is for one of his children, perhaps a 15 year old finding the site and learning about his/her father and getting closer... Know, again, that it is a work of fiction and will have a plot away from the site itself, but the plot will involve the site.
Click to expand...

You have previously stated that this was a work of "creative non-fiction." Which is it?
 
The prologue is complete fiction. The book is creative non. Which means that parts of it are real, parts are completely made up.
 
EveWasFramed said:
The Wonderful Sin said:
What do you mean, Eve?


And I have decided simply to leave the character unnamed, refer to him as 'he' 'him' and such. no name shall be given to him.
Click to expand...

It's very naive to suggest that just by changing a name you will keep someone anonymous. People want to post freely here - not worry that someone might be watching their posts for good tidbits in a BOOK. =\
Click to expand...

I agree. I believe this book is a bad idea. No offense meant, A Wonderful Sin. You're heart's in the right place, but there's too many (forgive the double V's) volatile variables to make it practical.

Again, no offense meant.
 
The Wonderful Sin said:
the plot will involve the site.
Click to expand...

No. The plot must involve "a" site, not "the" (meaning this) site. Involving this site directly without seeking a priori consent from site owners is already against forum rules.

The Wonderful Sin said:
Like I said, consent forms will be sent out later for those people I will use,
Click to expand...

You need the consent of people BEFORE you do your work, not after. For one, are you going to rewrite your book if the people do not consent? Why create more work for yourself? I'm guessing you're not well-acquainted with the process of writing a book involving reference material.
 
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