I Hate Myself

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Despair

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I really do... There's no use being in denial about it anymore... Every single time I find a way to fresia up and destroy everything that is good in my life... I alienate my friends, get ripped off all the time... I bought home the flue to my cancer ridden grandmother and alchoholic father... I did nothing while he shot himself and nothing when my grandmother, who had very little cancer at the time, suddenly took a turn for the worse in the hospital likely due some malpractice, but we didn't think to question it...

When my 13 year old dog got sick, I didn't even bother going to the vet... He died on columbus day while I watched Donnie Darko for the first time... I teased my first dog and loved him off and on... I couldn't get a grip on my own duality, I was only like six then...

The first woman I loved, a childhood friend, I never called or knew her number yet somehow expected everything to work out... The second I spent a year persuing, but wasn't emotional yet, moved to a new school and never saw her again... I took for granted what knowing those kids meant and cried the first day I went to the new school... The third woman I loved was in the new school, and I never even told her how I felt... The fourth woman lived in a group home, and they changed her to one in another town when I foolishly kept talking to her about not trying crack and didn't realize I had followed her into a classroom... Yeah she broke it off after that...

Then I met the fifth woman... She was perfect for me and we had a wonderful and long time together, I had finally found that special someone, but I let her slip away, cause all we did was have fun, now she won't make a life together with me... If only we had found jobs and made that life it would be different now...I loved her so deeply and am so in shock I will never be able to open my heart again... It rained more then its ever rained in like 10 years starting the first night she left and continued through the next 2 months when she realized was no longer desperate and decided I meant nothing to her... Yeah, the skies themselves wept for us...

My stomach hurts all the time... always has...I have the worst IBS ever... I mooch off my grandfather for 28 years, can't figure out what to do with my rotten life... I have plenty of projects and books I want to write, but I never get around to them... I have no discipline and have ultimately forsaken everything in my life... I tried learning some jobs I thought I would like and would up in serious accidents or knew at some point it wasn't for me... And I hate schedules of any kind...

I have a blind spot a mile wide that has led to great embarassments... My life is so deeply full of fail, that I made a list of 100 ways in which I fail... Now there is no fun left in my otherwise self gratifying, generally fun loving lifestyle of apathy and laziness...

No one would weep if I killed myself... Everyone would be better off... But I still don't have the guts to do it, and I won't do it until after I finish my many projects... Now I just want to work on them, so I can prove once and for all my life is a complete and total failure and finally check the fresia out of this miserable god-awful existence... It's probably what I deserve...
 
Hey, I don't like what you said above about nobody would weep if you killed yourself.

I like a quote which goes like, life sucks then you die. But its not that you are going to die soon, Despair. (oh damnit your screenname is pretty sad too)

I kinda understand your feelings about hating yourself. I posted a very similar blog on some other site. But you know after some time things WILL start to get better. It sure will. Just a matter of time and you have to be patient enough.

Try to do more things that you really like. I am sure there is something that can make you feel happy/better just for the sake of the activity itself?

uhm..

I don't know if I should tell you this or not. But for some reason it helps me, that try not to get yourself too linked up with connections of people you know what I am saying? People disappoint people. But if you don't expect from them too much then you will not be over-disappointed.

-Kim
 
kimberleykat said:
I don't know if I should tell you this or not. But for some reason it helps me, that try not to get yourself too linked up with connections of people you know what I am saying? People disappoint people. But if you don't expect from them too much then you will not be over-disappointed.

Thanks, Kim, you're a wonderful person. This is generally how I live, except for those few times I actually get so sick of it that I reach out...

And no death will be far off, I have a lot I need to get finished, and who knows... Im giving it all my here so maybe things will get better...

What im really wondering is how to get a grip on my apparant issue of constant self sabotage here... I screw up things in my life so much... that I must really hate myself...

I have many things I enjoy doing... but still I don't know how to stop this...

I've always had the best of intentions... Maybe if I had some bad intentions this would work out nicely once in a while...

Theres a whole nother positive side of me you don't know about... or maybe you do (wink) I'm so conflicted I felt the need to divide myself...
 
Despair said:
What im really wondering is how to get a grip on my apparant issue of constant self sabotage here... I screw up things in my life so much... that I must really hate myself...

Do you ever have this idea that for once or many times flashes by your brain that maybe you are NOT that screwed up as you think you are?

Nobody should really hate himself Despair. We are suffering too much to deal with the hatred eating our brains/souls/etc. Although I shall humbly admit that hatred can be some source of energy that can force me to live on for a while lol.

And for the reaching out thing..**** it it's so f**king hard to take a step out sometimes you know? I keep wondering what the hell I should reach out for if I just can't see any lights of hope at the end of that tunnel. I can hardly see any further point in a lot of things that I am struggling for if I am not able to move my concentration from that goddamn tunnel. But on the other hand, when I make it to focus more on the process, I see definitely no point in any effort..It's just a exhausting never-ending all messed up circle that I am running in.

But for some reason I am still alive (lol). I do believe that you share this feeling with me on this that for some reason you will, in the end, manage to live on. That is a very convincing point that people who get stuck in whatever current situation that they believe it's killing them usually fail to see.

The moment you decided to register on ALL forum (lol I am not advertising for it <.<), you are already a brave soul that many others will never have. I know it's a bit cliche but yea, there are a great population out there who will NEVER have a serious glance at their lives, which are more screwed up as they seems.

Well I guess I should stop rambling on lol...

I hope you start to feel better soon, very soon.

-Kim
 
Hi Despair.

We can't decide when its the appropriate time to go, for the ones we love.
You did nothing wrong, and bad luck has nothing to do with this.
Blame is generated through regret, which seems you have a ton of it.
Nothing you did or didn't do is worth this much despair bro... Trust me!

In our society TODAY "people" (majority) just simply don't give a f*** about me, you, or anyone else. If they cant profit from your existence (financial, physical, emotional, spiritual, etc...), then what good are you?

Keeping people an arm distance away is the key as well as not investing too much emotion. The right woman will find you. If you want something done right(or just done), you have to do it yourself.


Just hope you find what you're looking for, and be at peace.
EE
 
I believe everyone has a few moments where they are nasty.If you really feel sorry for yourself,it is time to forgive yourself and move on in life.

Now is the time to make the right choice.
 
Hi Despair,

I heard second-hand an account by a recovered alcoholic that you might find interesting. This guy was staying in a hospital drug ward, his wife had kicked him out and he had no where else to go. The hospital had a policy of not letting anyone who had been drinking back in. So he goes out, drinks a couple of bottles of wine, and then comes back and sits in the grounds of the hospital. He says to himself, I have two choices: I can either kill myself, or I can take this bottle and throw it through the window of the ward. But then he had another thought: or I can get better. The psychologist commenting on this personal story said that the first two choices were not really choices at all, but just reactions to the pain he was feeling. It was the only the third thought which counted as a choice, an actual decision he could make. This thought wasn't simply a way of reacting to his situation, but it involved an actual insight, a creative act, on his part, about how to move forward.
 
I do not want to compare faults, each person puts his own worth on his faults. I can say you succeeded where I failed. You found out how to show your feelings to women something I refused to do up until now. Only now I show my feelings when I am so close to losing her or already have lost her.

Every life is full of failures. Even though I am employed, when I found the job I failed to see it was a dead-end one. Now I am slowly rotting away at it. I want to open up a video game blog/review site... but I cannot bring myself to focus on it. I am trying to run an anime site, and I fail at that, I have not updated the site in over a month. I also let my own superficial nature get the best of me.

I guess my point is, some how I press on. Really I don't know how I do it but I do. You just have to buckle down. If you want to write set aside an hour for writing. If you want to be on your own find a job. Take any success you can take. I do something similar, I shoot for the moon and am disappointed when I cannot jump that high. You need to build up a ladder. It won't be pleasant, it will be very hard in fact. However, it will be more painful if life passes you by..... god I feel like such a hypocrite right now... but I felt it needed to be said.
 

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