Could be going towards divorce

I need help. My parents may be heading for divorce. My dad has depression except, instead of getting sad he gets angry. My mom has a low self esteem. He hounds on that, hurting her in more ways than I care to list.
About 5 years ago he got angry at the dog and started screaming. He pulled a gun screaming that he was going to shoot the dog. My mom was holding the dog, crying hysterically. I was only about 10 11.
I couldn't physically fight my dad and win. I haven't ever been stupid. I went under the porch and made weapons. I grabbed my bow and what arrows I had. I attached my pocket knife to a stick. I hid my "weapons" under my bed just in case I needed them that night. My mom thought I had just snapped and had gone under the porch and started playing. She later learned the truth
My mom had a massive emotional breakdown. Called the cops and got him arrested. Had a restraining order on him for about six months. She began seeing a shrink. I don't remember but she told me that I suddenly became clingy always being with her. She wanted me to go as well. That's how she found out about what i really was doing under the porch.
6 months later he came back. After Anger management, marriage counciling, the works. He was actually trying.
Now he is sinking back. He gets in moods in which he hurts her in whatever ways he can think of. He attacks how she is raising us kids. How she lives her life.
I used to have anger problems myself. I would explode and hurt my sisters. I am better now. Much. I look back now and see it closely related to how my dad was acting. My anger has always given me a strength that I could do things that normally I couldn't. I'm faster, stronger. I know that sounds really wierd. Well now I don't get angry. I haven't hit my sisters in ages. I haven't lost control for a long time. My only fear in this is that if my dad does lose it, I won't be able to compete. Strength for strength he always wins. But if I am in my greatest anger, I know I can beat him. I am afraid I won't be able to bring up that anger that I have been smothering for so long. (I know this entire paragraph makes me sound crazy)
I have told my mom that if he ever does lose it I will not allow anything to happen. She knows what I mean by that. That I will fight him.
What should I do? Should I push for divorce? Or that they stay together? If I were talking to a friend I would definetly push for a split. But its my parents Does anyone have any experience with this?
I am not afraid to do what is necessary. Please help me. What should I do?


Aedammair

I would definitely advocate for divorce over physical violence. If you truly think that it will eventually come to physical violence...but aren't you missing another approach?

Have you tried sitting your dad down, man-to-man, and EXPLAINING the situation to him? COMEPLETE HONESTY, man. Tell him to his face that he's ******* up again and that you don't want that to happen to him, to your mom, and to you.

Right now it's YOUR job to be your mom's man...and that doesn't just mean physically protecting her at the moment of crisis. TELL HIM STRAIGHT UP that he needs to see about getting his act together. But do it nicely, and make sure your dad knows that you understand his (undoubtedly rough) past and that you care for him also.

I know it sounds like it's hard to do...and it is. The first time a guy stands up to his dad is always a rough one...but you can do it, especially since your mom's happiness is on the line. Talk to him first.

----Steve

Divorce. It's not worth sacrificing you and your mother's sanity because your father can't keep control of his temper.

---

I also just wanted to add my experience, and my mother's. Lol, it's probably going to sound... Unreal, but you asked for an experience.

My father is mentally sick and twisted. He did terrible, terrible, things to my mother that I can't even admit here. I'm ashamed to be his daughter. It did a number on her, and it has done a number on me.

My father abused my mom and my sister physically, not so much me - except for the time I had to fight him out of my house and I'm only 5'4". And a few other insignificant times, but nothing compared to what he did to them.

In a drunken state, my father told my sister that he was going to rape her, and then her child. My sister's husband ended up kicking him out of the house, breaking his leg, and sent him on a cab to the nearest airport. He choked the cab driver. My father has a "guardian" (his dad) because he is so incapable of controlling himself. I won't say what illnesses he has, because I don't want to tarnish the illnesses itself just because of one sick man who won't get medical treatment and take care himself.

Needless to say, I am better off without him. Other people have told me he is like poison to me at this point in my life, and it's better if I just cut contact completely - they are right.

Please don't tak it the wrong way.

I had my fair share of divorce, being raised in a dysfucntional home.

Your parents relationship is really none of your bussiness. it's thier relationship , marriage ...not your's.



You're reacting like any typical child going through a divorce...You want control over something that's beyound your control.
Now you want to get into manipulating behaviors...

You're dealing with surface stuff and not really getting to the root cuase.

You need help just as much as your father...or even more.
If you don't....it'll effect you in ways that you don't even understand. On top of that years from now, you'll find
yourself being exactly just like your father...it'll be bewildering to you.

So you think you can just send your parents into treatment, counseling and they'll come out cured and fixed?
I'm counseling you now...will you be cured and honky dory tommorow or a month from now???

You're parents didn't get like that overnight...they're not going to get well overnight.

Work on yourself...love yourself. Set bondaries to both your parents...don't take sides.
In other words don't get sucked in into their dramma and turamma...not easy, i know.

Just know underneath all of the bullshit...both of your parents loves you very much.
Try to accept this...even though it dosn't show. Just know that you are loved.
Focus on yourself...your hopes and dreams.

Sometimes my father will still attack me mentally and emotionally....I don't internalize his sickness or bull honeysuckle anymore.

Sometimes I still hear my parents arguing...My father is kind of wacked. He makes progress. Some days are better than other.
Sometimes he'll revert. Over the years my mother had learned how to tell my father to fresia off in her own way or not internalize my father's shortcomings.

There's nothing wrong with feeling angry...it's how you react to your anger.
So if you're mother and you tell your father not to feel his anger...then he'll just stuff it and become a walking time bomb.
Just make simple suggestions or reminder to your father without attacking him or simply just ignore him.

Don't tell him what you do. He's not going to listen to you to begin with...all that's going to do is escalate the dramma and turamma.
...that's how you get sucked into the bullshit...you'll end up getting hurted or hurting your father..if your father or you gets hurt...you're mother will have a melt down either way.
Lose..lose situations for everyone...

My father had been trying to stop drinking for serveral years now. Sometimes he'll come as ask me about recovery literature.
I can't fix my father or my mother...He still gets drunk...sometimes he'll get very moody...other times he'll be okay.
I set bondaries...I can love my father from a distant.

Give your parents their chioces. this is very healthy for the both of them and you....no matter the outcome.

Here's an analogy...
Hay stack fire....the more water you pour in it to try to put it out...the bigger, bigger the fire will get...it's like pourig more fuel into the fire.
becuase the fire was started from the inside not on the surface.

LC, if there's a chance of his father harming his mother, then YES, it IS his business.

Would you just sit back and watch if your dad was potentially going to harm your mom? If so, then you have no soul. Period.

It's not "sick" to advise Aedammair to do what he can to solve the situation.

----Steve

Lonesome Crow said:

Please don't tak it the wrong way.

I had my fair share of divorce, being raised in a dysfucntional home.

Your parents relationship is really none of your bussiness. it's thier relationship , marriage ...not your's.



You're dealing with surface stuff and not really getting to the root cuase.

You need help just as much as your father...or even more.
If you don't....it'll effect you in ways that you don't even understand. On top of that years from now, you'll find
yourself being exactly just like your father...it'll be bewildering to you.

So you think you can just send your parents into treatment and they'll come out cured and fixed?

Work on yourself...love yourself. Set bondaries to both your parents...don't take sides.
In other words don't get sucked in into their dramma and turamma...not easy, i know.

Sometimes my father will still attack me mentally and emotionally....I don't internalize his sickness or bull honeysuckle anymore.

Sometimes I still hear my parents arguing...My father is kind of wacked. He makes progress. Some days are better than other.
Sometimes he'll revert. Over the years my mother hads learned how to tell my father to fresia off in her own way...

There's nothing wrong with feeling angry...it's how you react to your anger.
So if you're mother and you tell your father not to feel his anger...then he'll just stuff it and become a walking time bomb.
Just make simple suggestions to your father without attacking him or simply just ignore him.

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Yes, that's his business to some degree. It's his parents. Just like YOUR daughter is upset over you and your ex-wife. You best check yourself, Rocket, before you even attempt telling someone what's what. Because you have no right, hypocrite.


To the OP, I'm very sorry what's going on. Perhaps divorce is what the best chance is to help. Being abusive like that isn't something you or your mother should ever have to put up with. You shouldn't have to fight your father physically over anything. I hope it gets better. *hugs*

Badjedidude said:

LC, if there's a chance of his father harming his mother, then YES, it IS his business.

Would you just sit back and watch if your dad was potentially going to harm your mom? If so, then you have no soul. Period.

It's not "sick" to advise Aedammair to do what he can to solve the situation.

----Steve

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I agree.

He shouldn't only be worried about his mom's safety, but his own as well. Especially if his father has a past of using lethal weapons to "make a point".

Lol I never said I would ignore you forever, LC. Just on that last issue.

I'm sorta confused as to why you're so ardently against me...but for the sake of not killing a serious thread, I'm not going to engage you in yet another pointless back-and-forth.

Aedammair, you definitely SHOULD intervene. This is your family. You can't expect things to get better by sitting back and pretending it's not happening. Take charge and work to save yourself and your mom...whether that means divorce or not. Do something.

----Steve

For Aedammair's sake, I'm going to repost my advice to him, so the thread doesn't get completely ruined. I'm sure Aedammair would be thankful for any words of advice or support given to him:

I would definitely advocate for divorce over physical violence. If you truly think that it will eventually come to physical violence...but aren't you missing another approach?

Have you tried sitting your dad down, man-to-man, and EXPLAINING the situation to him? COMEPLETE HONESTY, man. Tell him to his face that he's ******* up again and that you don't want that to happen to him, to your mom, and to you.

Right now it's YOUR job to be your mom's man...and that doesn't just mean physically protecting her at the moment of crisis. TELL HIM STRAIGHT UP that he needs to see about getting his act together. But do it nicely, and make sure your dad knows that you understand his (undoubtedly rough) past and that you care for him also.

I know it sounds like it's hard to do...and it is. The first time a guy stands up to his dad is always a rough one...but you can do it, especially since your mom's happiness is on the line. Talk to him first.

----Steve

I agree sitting down and talking to him might work, then again, it might not. Some situations are so far gone. But it's worth a shot. He might see how much it's hurting you.

If he doesn't see it, and continues with the abuse, then getting out of the situation completely is the best thing possible. No one deserves abuse like that.

Fighting posts WILL be deleted.

I do agree with LC on only the part that it is my parents issue and I should respect that it is mainly their problem to deal with it. However for the rest... I can't stand by and be a bystander. That is what I did last time. That is not the kind of person I am.
I am working on simply talking to him. I did a little this morning. I agree that violence should be a last resort. I don't want to fight my dad. I am simply saying that if I have to I will protect my family. Period.
I am trying to be my mom's support. This whole thing is messing with my head. Thanks for the advice.

Aedammair
P.S. EVF I'm not trying to find ways to fight my dad. rather on how to resolve it before it gets to that point

It may be their issue, and it may be their marriage.... However, if my mom were being abused like that, father or not, he'd had to go through me. I'd fight to the depths of hell and back for my mom. And no one, and I mean no one, would even attempt to lay a hand in vain on her if I could stop it. Sounds like he needs his ass handed to him anyway, since he wants to go around doing that to people for no reason.

at the age of 33 i stepped in when my parents were having major problems..

i always tried to treat my parents 'equally' and not be a part of 'their' relationship, and for the most part they tried to keep their relationship out of my life, but things always spill over if you're in the same house..

it wasn't until many years later that i started spending more time with my parents and saw how unhappy my mother was. at this stage she had gained some of her own strength back from years of insanity/drama that followed my dad around like a stinky hippo fart..

at a particular time my mom had depleted a lot of her emotional resources dealing with his chaos and needed help. i offered to be the mediating party/go between and he was to deal with only ME, if he wanted something.

my mom is grateful for the help and i consider it one of my proudest moments..

but, it wasn't easy and took its toll on me too. i have no regrets.

.. there were no guns or violence in my situation though..

Aedammair said:

P.S. EVF I'm not trying to find ways to fight my dad. rather on how to resolve it before it gets to that point

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EVF...err...was that for evenescencefan or was was that for me but typod? And if it was for me, I meant the others who were fighting on your thread, not you and your dad, lol.

Alright EveWasFramed... I'm really tired today... That was suppose to be a W. Oops. Okay. Wasn't sure if you were talking about the thread or the comments.

P2TP I am thinking that is the same role that I may end up playing between my parents.

Just so all of you understand. Before my dad changed he was abusive, physically and verbally. During his good 5 years he was neither. Now he is becoming more verbally abusive, I am not going to allow it to get physical.

VanillaCreme... amen


Aedammair

I've gotten in serval fist fights with my father protecting my mother and myself.
It's not an everyday occassion. No, i don't approve of my father's actions.
I've comforted or stood up to my father. While it might had changed me, it didn't changed my father.
For the most part when trying to speak to my father on such matter. The conversation got twisted.
All the did was got me all turamatized and feeling bad about myself.
It's not as easy as ..."hey dad lets talk"

My father had been trying. He also attended anger managements.
He's also making serval attemps to stop drinking.

Never the less my father is only going to change when he's going change.
My mother is going to do what she's going to do.

I have to look out for my own well being..If I'm not well myself..how can I help anyone or my mother.
Shell had to get away from her father...I fulley understand that.
For years I stayed away from home. It ment that I also would not be close to my mother or sisters.
It wasn't easy and it's not easy. These poeple are my family.
The only other person that can understand me is my older sister. She grew in the same house hold.

I remember her telling me..."You're not crazy...I saw the fucken elephant too"....

I'm ACOA...an adult child of an alcoholic. I grew up in a dysfuctional enviorment.
However...it was normal becuase our family wasn't any different than a lot of my friend's family.

I stopped drinking and getting high at a very young age for many, many reasons..
I hated the way my father acted and sometimes i do feel like I hate him.
I wanted nothing to be like him...but undereneath all of that is the truth...I love my father very, very much.
Fucken lukie me...some poeple have parents that support them..honeysuckle even give them the ropes of how to thrwo ball in the NFL.
I get a fucken crazy ass drunk tell me how to live. No honeysuckle sherlock...be a decent kind human being.
"Do as I say but not as i do."... Well fresia, dad...I'm a fucken visual learner.

it effected me more than I could ever imagine. I couldn't wait until I was old enough to leave that household...
Did i mention my ex-gf is an alcoholic???...She treats me or have similar triats of my father.
When I made list of traits of the perfect woman. Did I put down any of those traits of my father...Of course not. Duhhhhh....
It was familar to me...I know how to function in fucken chaos and dramma. I brought home to me...consiously or subconsiously.

Lonesome Crow said:

It's not as easy as ..."hey dad lets talk"

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no it's not.
--

i don't love my father.

i do think about how much of his character could have rubbed off on me. it's a personal nightmare not knowing with certainty.

the closest i can get is not hating EVERYTHING about him.