Hello everyone ! Here's who I am

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R

Romantic Poet

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Hello everyone !

I'm quite shy, and it took me a long time to muster up the courage to register on this forum, but I'm really glad a place like this exists for lonely and introverted people. In fact I had once written up a presentation of myself, but the whole thing got entirely erased, which really devastated me.  I'd love to be able to make some friends. I really don't know how to begin, but here I go. I'll try to present myself as honestly as possible. I'm usually very lengthy when I write, so please feel free to only glance through this.


My name is Sébastien, I'm 20 and live in the south of France (I was born in France), in the little city of Aigues-Mortes, well-known for its medieval castle and ramparts. I live on a boat (or "péniche"), a converted sandbarge. I have 9 cats (my sister adores them). I have been told I'm not bad-looking at all, though the girls I known don't notice me.
My parents are American so I'm fluent in French and English. I lived in America briefly when I was 7, mainly to learn English. It's really hard for me to give a description of myself, because I always want to give a true image of myself to others. I'm terribly afraid of appearing obnoxious or haughty, and I'm definitely not like that.
I'm extremely lonely and haven't had anything like a "best friend" or girlfriend ever. I'd like to have friends I wouldn't have to lie to. I'd like to have a girlfriend and be in love (I suppose everyone wants this), but all I see around me are people dating, as if it were a social necessity not based on feelings but fashion. People just seem disappointing to me. I've really tried opening up to others and being less demanding of them, but I truly cannot seem to find sensitive people anywhere.
I've been terribly depressed for the last five years, but I daresay I've never really been happy in my life. Things just haven't gone too well for me. I have no grandparents. Both my parents are alcoholics, and are drunk usually 4 days a week...They are verbally abusive; my father and I have even fistfought several times (I was trying to keep him from going downtown and getting drunk again -- strangers always bring him back or I have to go look for him, which embarrasses me terribly).
Being insulted ("you stupid fool", "I'm infinitely smarter than you", and all kinds of exclamations too gross to be mentionned), being embarrassed, worrying while I stare at my ceiling, studying again and again, that's my average day.  
My father's alcoholism went even worse after he became handicapped because of a stupid surgical operation. A month ago he actually cut his wrists and was sent to a hospital and all, maybe because my mother had finally decided to leave him.
As for me, I'm constantly tormented by my own self-awareness and self-depreciation. I'm hyperconscious, always trying to find a way to fight depression (and I usually fail), and as a result exhausted because of this. The only good thing about it is that I'm first in my class -- but I also dread being second.
I am an intelligent person. I like learning. Yet school has nearly consumed my life. I tried to enter the "Ecole Nationale Supérieure" (the French equivalent of Harvard) in Paris, and missed it by only one point out of twenty. I had to go through two years of extremely competitive "classe prépa", where all I really did was to study, getting up at 6 AM, commuting, working and stopping at 8 PM. Now, the exams are over, and even though I didn't get in, I'm finally on vacation.
My dream would be to write a book of poetry or philosophy, something vast and grandiose ; I've started dozens and dozens of projects, yet I never finish a single one. I can't seem to focus on one. Often I desire so much to do my absolute best that I never begin. I 'd love to read and write poetry, but never am able to because I'm scared it won't be any good, that my imagination is too weak or my words too commonplace.


In short it seems I've built a perfect wall around myself that prevents me from doing what I'd like and especially meeting people. Everyone seems shallow to me. I really wish to have true friends, ones I wouldn't have to lie to, with whom I could be myself, think, write...
There came a point when all I could think about was suicide. I nearly did it several times, but decided to see a psychoanalyst, and was very lucky to find a helpful and intelligent one. Things are a little better now, though at times I still feel utterly depressed.
I live on film music (John Williams especially), movies (I'm a huge film buff, and love Spielberg movies and romantic comedies), poetry (Whitman, Shakespeare, Tolkien, Keats, Brautigan) and philosophy (bits and pieces of Plato and Sartre).
I'd really love to talk to anyone who shares the same feelings ; or share to others some of the knowledge I've acquired to fight against depression. I truly am a nice person, though no one seems to notice this, and would be glad to talk.


Sorry once again for being so lengthy, for sounding so negative, and for boring you with this post.
If anyone here would like to talk to me, please answer.
 
Bonjour Sebastien!

J'aime lire aussi.

You seem like a very, very intelligent young man. I'm so dissapointed that you missed the exam by only one point! You should be surrounded by your peers--other young people who enjoy poetry, philosophy etc. more than just getting drunk and acting foolish. Is there any way you could take the exam again? Or perhaps study one year at a local college, getting excellent marks, and then transfer to the school you want?

Also, very sorry about your parents. Through no fault of your own, you are trapped in a really unbearable situation. How old is your sister? I am sure she really needs you. With unstable parents, it's very difficult to make it through life, unless you can rely on your siblings.

Please don't be so self-critical. Your intelligence and sensitivity shine through in your writings. I would love to read your poetry. Who cares if the first piece aren't perfect, they are a practice.

I'm the same as you--so afraid of having my innermost thoughts rejected that I'm loathe to start writing, although I claim to want to be a writer! It's a bit bizarre.

Welcome here and hope to get to know you better!

LG
 
Salut Sébastien! Bienvenue chez notre forum! My French is a bit rusty, but it'll do :D I hope you feel at home here!;)
 
Hello Sébastien!
Welcome to this forum. You really must be an intelligent and pleasant person. Sorry to read you missed your exam only by one point, that's a pity. Think you can be the number one everywhere you want. ENS is a top university, but you don't need the best university to show you're the best. Like you, I like reading: I like philosophy but not poetry. I would glad to read your writings, if you wish.
Feel free to write, ok?:)
 
lonelygirl said:
Bonjour Sebastien!

J'aime lire aussi.

You seem like a very, very intelligent young man. I'm so dissapointed that you missed the exam by only one point! You should be surrounded by your peers--other young people who enjoy poetry, philosophy etc. more than just getting drunk and acting foolish. Is there any way you could take the exam again? Or perhaps study one year at a local college, getting excellent marks, and then transfer to the school you want?

Also, very sorry about your parents. Through no fault of your own, you are trapped in a really unbearable situation. How old is your sister? I am sure she really needs you. With unstable parents, it's very difficult to make it through life, unless you can rely on your siblings.

Please don't be so self-critical. Your intelligence and sensitivity shine through in your writings. I would love to read your poetry. Who cares if the first piece aren't perfect, they are a practice.

I'm the same as you--so afraid of having my innermost thoughts rejected that I'm loathe to start writing, although I claim to want to be a writer! It's a bit bizarre.

Welcome here and hope to get to know you better!

LG

Thanks to all for your very nice welcomes, lonelygirl, Eyael and keeper! I will indeed try to post some poetry here this summer.

As for taking the exam again, I've thought carefully about it, but I don't think I will. I don't have any regrets ; I'm not really that saddened by missing it by a point. Getting into ENS was really for me just a bonus if I could manage it. I was told by my teachers of several bright people who tried for 4 years in a row to get in, and still didn't make it...

The amount of work involved and the sheer stress is just too much.
It's a fact that several people commit suicide because of it in the fanciest parisian "prépa" schools. The weekly written exam are 6 hours long...

Anyway, I found a good law school to go to next year ; my objective has really always been to become some sort of lawyer or jurist, so as to help people the best I can.

My sister is 16 and we are both quite close. I really tried to help her as best as I could so she could lead a "normal life" ( she has dozens of friends, and thank goodness, none of my obsessions ) ; but she has always understood my phobias and troubles, and really is one of the few people I can talk to.

Thanks once again for your posts : it's nice not to feel so alone !
 

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