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angelus

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Hello everyone,as is obvious from the subject heading I am new to this group.I found it while browsing threw a search engine.I am a guy,33 years old,I live in the northeastern US.I work in a family owned business that I loath with all my heart.I have only one real friend and I have lived a very lonely life.I work with very work oriented people(I'd call them family but that's a laugh) that think life is work and anything else is a waste.I have suffered from depression and social anxiety since my early teens.I am really wanting to change the direct of my life.I don't want to become Mister Social or anything but a better life then this,a few more friends,finding that speical woman,all those things would be wonderful.I don't know how or if I can do such things,only what I hope to do them in time.I hope all of you out there aren't having such a bad night as I and are getting by in this ugly little world as best you can.
 
Hey Angelus,

Sorry to hear about your current situation. Would you please tell us what kind of company you work for. Do you have any male friends?
 
Hi Lonelygirl

Well the family business is basically contracting work doing work on houses for people,for landlords,ext.I can't say I really enjoy it,I was just sort of thrown into it when I was still a teenager.I wouldn't mind it so much if it wasn't for my father who runs everything,is bad with money always causing money problems,cares for nothing but work and can be so...joyless.
I actually don't have any real male friends,my best friend is female,I don't mind however,as different as her and I are(cause I am 13 years older then her among other things)she is also the dearest friend I have ever had.Its just that she lives very far away,we still talk everyday online and all and some might say an online friend isn't a real friend but the bond between us is very real indeed.God it must be at least 10 years since I had a male friend that came within a mile of actually knowing me for real.
 
Hi Angelus,

What a drag! My father was the same way. Actually, I think my father was worse. He did antigues sales and junk sales and flea markets. He drove this rattle trap rust van (in our wealthy neighborhood, not exactly subtle,) and always forced his kids to help him set up and tear down the sales. It was a drag and embarassing and hard. I wish my father could have done something where he didn't need to drag us kids into it.

Is your father mean to you? Can you listen to music or an Ipod or books on tape or ANYTHING to make it a more relaxed and pleasant working with him?

Hugs,

LG
 
Hi Lonelygirl

Boy could I sing a few bars of that tune!Your father and mine really do seem to be cut from the same cloth.

When I first moved in with him when I was 13 we moved into this house one might kindly call a fixer upper,in short a dump,a disaster,in a very well off suburb.This house was hell when we first went there,the heating system didn't work and it was the middle of the winter,he didn't have a fridge in there,the stove looked like it was from the 30's,ext.He drove around in a beat up old Dodge truck from the 70's with a utilty body and did all sorts of wheeling and dealing to make money,including hauling away trash and junk and he would leave this on his truck for days and of course my brother and I always had to go along to help.
 
Hey Angelus,

Whoah! Are our dads brothers or something? lol Do they think it 'build character' to be embarassed in a rich town? I wouldn't have minded so much if we lived in a rural area or a less wealthy town. Being the poor kid isn't exactly good for one's child hood and self-esteem.

My dad is like the king of junk collectors, trash picking, etc. His rusty van was a total junker. I asked him to drop me off at school a block away. Other kids in my high school got to drive their father's BMW's...I got a ride even into Senior year because my parents couldn't afford to buy me a car, even a piece of junk.

I was the only senior riding the bus home from school. Humilation!
Anyway, my dad was born in the 30's. So maybe some of that depression era attitude affected him--that no one should be embarassed of being poor, cause back then most everyone was!

Is your dad mean and abusive? He beat me and my mother and siblings, so that is the cherry on the crap cake. lol

What is Angelus? I think that is Latin--bells? Is it something Catholic?
 
Angelus,

You seem very smart. I re read what you posted first. I hope you can find someone to love. I think that you should go to college so you won't be trapped in this kind of manual labor.
 
Hi Lonelygirl

Well I will tell you,and I suppose I could make myself look better by not being honest about this but Angelus is actually something I got from my favorite TV show,'Angel' which is actually what Angelus means,its latin for angel.Its a show about a 275 year old vampire.

Wow its amazing,my dad is the same way with junk,cause one of the biggest things we have done is take away stuff or clean out houses full of stuff when the people sold it and left a bunch of stuff behind they didn't want.This junk filled up our house,it was everywhere,I had to step over it almost everywhere.In the school I went to the kids got a brand new Trans AM when they turned 16 and of course I never had a car in school.I hated being the poor kid in a school full of rich kids and I became bitter and resentful,espeically after my mother died from cancer when I was 14,I ended up being a real hellion as a teenager,I got into a lot of trouble.

My dad can be mean but in all honesty he never beat me,he however can be very manipulative,he is a bit of a con artist,even with me at times.There have been times when he has stolen from me.He tends to feel justified in doing whatever he feels he must to make money to get by and its created some very ugly and ultimately pointless situations.The sad thing is he was once a nice man,when i was a small child,I may in fact be rare in saying this but from say 5 to 12 my childhood was actually great,its that things took a turn for the worse then and never let it up.The nice man my father once was is gone,replaced by a liar,a back stabber,a bitter old man that drinks himself into a stupor every night on a jug of cheap wine and talks to himself,mostly bitter arguments with people he knows,truth is its almost always me nowdays he yells to himself about.I stopped being a son a long time,I am more a business partner now.

Thank you for your kind words,I have thought about maybe taking some adult education courses,I really don't want to be doing this sort of work for the rest of my life.
 
Hi Angelus,

I've never seen the show. It sounds interesting, though! Do you like anime? Have you seen the movie 'Vampire Hunter D'?

I'm so glad that there was a period in your life as a child that was good. I wish I could say the same, but it was horrible pretty much as long as I can remember. Always a lot of violence and abuse, screaming, and cursing. I have few good memories of my child hood.

I've never fit in anywhere so I do recall being lonely even as a kid. The other schoolchildren did bully me and I had no one to really understand me.

I'm sorry about your dad being an alcoholic. It sucks, I'm sure. And especially losing your mom. Was she nice?

Both my parents are alive, but both are crazy. My mom could not protect us from our dad beating us, so she lost a lot of my respect growing up. My dad was mean and abusive (he lost his dad when he was about 12 because his dad died of cancer due to alcoholism, and his grandmother beat him a lot.)

Do you want to continue in this line of work. Not all junk is junk, by the way! One man's trash is another man's treasure as they say.

I still live in a wealthy area and at 31, I'm not above trash picking. I'd rather no do dumpster diving (I am afraid of rats and roaches) but if someone leaves something good on the curb, I'll sure as hell stop and pick it up! It's better for the environment and it's stupid to waste good things. Where we live in is so wealthy, people throw away great stuff when they move rather than donate it to charity--working TV's, books, nice framed prints, etc. So wasteful!

Is your house still a hellhole? My childhood home, small, dirty, and cramped--not a great place in my view!
 
Hi Lonelygirl

I'm so sorry you had to suffer threw such a harsh childhood,I truly hope you find happiness.Are you sure you won't ever fit in?maybe not in the conventinal sense,with many friends and all but prehaps there is a small group of kindred souls out there Lonelygirl,thats sort of how I see things.Personally I think the world is full of alot of very shallow and selfish people but there is a small group that are not,that really think,really feel,really live and in your life you may cross paths with them a few times.

My parents divorced when I was 2 years old and I spent most of my childhood with my grandparents.Up until I was 12 things where great with them,they where in fact kind of loving to me and while not wealthy where solid middle class.Things changed when I was 12 and my grandmother died,my grandfather had a stroke a few years before that and it really changed him,it made him get very angry,very easily.When she was gone,well she seemed to be the only one sort of keeping him check things started getting crazy.Just before I turned 13 he pulled a loaded gun on me.Within a few months of that my brother and I where sent off to live with our father but it created it own new set of problems.I really didn't know my other that well to be honest.As a child I really only saw her once or twice a month.She was actually rather...cold.

I really don't want to keep on in this line of work and believe me I have found my share of treasure.It was actually I and not my father that got the best find ever in any job we ever did,a rather valuble collection of rock records,rare ones like beatles albums from japan made from red vinyl,promo records,imports from all over the world.Now you would say why would i want to leave such things?I am not sure if I have a good answer expect to say that I was forced into this line of work and I feel my father has had enough say in my life.I really just want to get away from all this and I plan on trying yet again,somehow I will get out of this mess.Also while I have found my share of treasure,I have also seen the ugly side of life in explict terms in the work I have done.Its been many years since I lived in that well off suburb of my teens,I live in a very bad part of town and 90% of the places we work on are in bad parts of town.I've seen houses so vile most people wouldn't want to go into them much less clean them out.I've seen things in these houses that make me sick to my stomach,like one awful apartment building where someone posted a sign openly offering the services of a prostitute.I feel sometimes like I am cleaning out the seedy under belly of where I live,I find crack pipes,jars of human waste,things I refuse to touch and it just....drains me.I just want to go somewhere thats not so ugly all the time.

My place is indeed a hellhole,its got bad wiring,bad electric,bad plumbing and truth be told it would altogether better if the **** place was torn down.

I haven't seen much anime really but I love a good vampire story of horror novel,I just have a love of those things.Some of it may be from living in this old city that is full of ghost stories(town did use to be a nice place now its a train wreck)and its not so much if there true or not,I just love to hear them.
 
Hey Angelus,

WOW. How horrible to see the worst of humanity! Of course it must be depressing seeing the grossest things around. I hope you have never seen a dead body. I've never really seen one in my life except once at a funeral. There was an open casket but the person was in heavy makeup, etc, so they just looked to be sleeping.

I love finding treasures in the trash, too! Nothing too great, like old and rare vinyl you could sell for a fortune!

I love finding stuff for free or dirt cheap at yard sales. I found these Le Creuset French enamel ware at a yard sale for 15 dollars for 3 pieces--they retail for almost 100 dollars each!

I love bargains and yard sales and digging through junk at flea markets and antiques shops. However, the kind of trash you have to deal with is just that--trash! Yucky stuff would be depressing to see.

Now that you've seen the worst of humanity, can you save up some money and go see the Sistine Chapel in Rome or the Louvre in Paris?
 
Hi Lonelygirl

Yes your quite right it can horribly depressing and to make matters worse my father seems incapable of saying no to any job offer no matter how vile as long as they can pay.There have been a few jobs so disgusting or in my feeling so dangerous I refused to do them.Like this one apartment,the living room was full of hypodermic needles and blood!I refused to even walk in the apartment,I just stood in the hall saying,I am not doing this no matter what they pay us.In the end he had to refuse the job and he gave me hell for that but I don't regret it one bit.

I like going threw second hand stores,junk shops,yard sales,I have found some good records like that.You may not find records worth 100's of dollars at places like that,however more the once at places like that I have bought a stack of records for say 5 or 10 bucks and sold them all for a total of 2 or 3 hundred dollars,you just have to know what to look for.

Oh wow I would LOVE to go to Europe,all over Europe in fact,France,Italy,Germany,Holland,Denmark,ext.I have actually done very little traveling in my life,its something I have always regreted and something I do intend to remedy to some extent.
Right now I actually am saving up some money but what I plan to do with it,is quit working for my father, find another job even if it is manual labor,say at a factory or something(it will still be better than those clean outs),move out of this dump and try to...start over again.Its a scary prospect and I am about to piss off my family something awful but I am to the point where I am willing to do that,I just can't do this anymore,I really feel like I am wasting my whole life.
 
Hi Angelus,

You're not wasting your life. However, doing something that you don't enjoy is certainly wasting your youth.

And who gives a rat's ass if it offends your father? This is YOUR life. YOUR chance to have some fun, some adventure, some romance, some travel.

Are you really emotionally tied to your father? Your mom is not there, so what is tying you to the family? Is it your siblings? They can still associate with you if you move out.

May I ask where abouts you live? I would love to help you think of an escape plan.

Factory work is probably going to suck the life out of you as well, unless it's a more cushy job.

As for the hypodermic needles--YES, I'd say avoiding Hepatitis and possibly AIDS is definitely a smart move! Kudos to you for standing up to your father on that one!

LG
 
Hi Lonelygirl

Actually I think if its the right job I could deal with a factory job,as odd as that may sound there was a time I had a job like that,when I was in my early 20's I did some work like that it really wasn't to bad.Also there are a few places around here where the starting salary is great,like 17 dollars an hour to start and where I live thats not bad at all.I live in Reading,Pennsylvania,just about an hour north of Philadelphia.

What ties me to my father?Tough question,espeically now,a few years ago I might have said something like obligation or guilt, now?Well the truth is the only thing that has kept me here is pure fear,I should say my social anxiety is pretty bad.Never the less my level of unhappiness has grown to the extent that I feel I am willing to do some things that will totally alienate me from family and truth be told I don't mind that much.I have a brother and 2 sisters,I already don't speak to one sister as she is a control freak and a bully plain and simple.I think my brother would get it but he lives all the way down in North Carolina and doesn't have much to do with all this anymore(I suspect thats why he moved there to start with).My other sister is well just likes to argue but she has other issues that will complicate things between her and in time anyway so it hardly matters if it happens now or a few years down the line,lets just say she has some weird possessiveness to her male family members and flips out if she hears one of us has GASP! a girlfriend,god that makes me so uncomfortable when she gets like that.I already told her she had better not pull any of that Norman Bates's mother crap with me but I doubt she gets it,stubborness is a family trait you see.

Yeah thats sort of what I figured,I said to my dad well you know okay so we may get a few hundred dollars for a few hours work but I doubt that will cover the bills for getting AIDS or Hepatitis and oh yeah I don't feel like DYING right now thank you very much!He of course tried to say things but they all were absurd,but what else is new.
 
Angelus,

You're so funny! I love your sense of humor. You seem like such a cool person!

Where in NC is your brother? Would you consider relocating there? I am considering relocating there myself--just because I hate cold weather and it's warmer down there. Also, the housing is much more affordable. And the people where I live (near DC) are really unfriendly.

I agree, not worth possibly contracting AIDS or something icky for a few hundred dollars. Even with thick gloves you could have been pricked by a needle. God knows what evil stuff lurked in that place!

How did your father even get that gig? Who does he work for--the county? I think it's certainly an interesting job, but I don't like dirty things such as rats and roaches.

As for factory work 17 bucks an hour is nothing to sneeze at, especially if you don't yet have your bachelor's degree. Do you want to earn one?
 
Hi Lonelygirl

Thank you very much,your so very kind:)

Well my brother lives in Ashville in NC,I have thought sometimes about moving down there.Its sort of a fascination/fear thing,he goes on and on about how great it is but yet I am afraid to just pick up and go off to some other part of the country I have never even visited before.Not that Reading is a slice of heaven,its alright in some places outside the city but the city where I live is a dump,its a sad sight to behold,you can tell just by looking at the houses this was once a beautiful little city.This city goes back to the mid 18th century.

Well my dad has work from a number of different people,sometimes we do work for landlords,sometimes we do it for this local bank.If I recall right that was a job from the bank.They took back the apartment.I usually don't care for those jobs,I don't like the idea of cleaning out a place where people lost there homes to a bank,its sad and I feel like a bloody vulture.In some ways I feel this sort of work has made me old before my time although I don't really look it(actually I am often told I look much younger then I actually am,one of the few positive traits that runs in my family ha ha,stubborness and youthful looks ha ha)but I feel it inside and I have had some health problems the last year or so.I have alot of pain in my lower back and my neck and very high blood pressure although thats under control with some meds,but I think alot of this comes from the strain this work has put on both my body and mind.

Sure I would love to get my degree,I wish I had just gone to college when I was 18,I regret that.I was such a mess as a teenger but what I most regret about those years is how stupidly short sighted I was about things,I thought like there was no future.
 
lonelygirl said:
Angelus,

You're so funny! I love your sense of humor. You seem like such a cool person!

OMG! LG is right! I have been reading this thread and you ARE sooo funny! She's pretty funny herself. Too bad I don't live next door to you anymore, I'd love to meet you in person.
 

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