I'm extremely lonely and I need lots of help please

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Cooljohn

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Hi everyone. I'm Cooljohn and I'm a 36 year old male. I am extremely lonely and the pain is becoming more and more excruciating every day. I'm so happy that I came across this site.

I was born with a minor disability (a missing forearm). This has never stopped me in accomplishing anything that I wanted to. I went to university and majored in the Life Sciences. I am presently a high school teacher.

My major problem seems to be connecting with women to establish a romantic relationhip. Now, I am often told that I am handsome, intelligent, caring, loving, understanding, confident, friendly, honest, etc. However, I've never had a serious courtship with anyone from my country (I'm from the Caribbean), although I yearn for one. The only girlfriend that I had was a long-distance relationship with a lady abroad but that didn't work out.

When I meet ladies in my country interactions usually follow a certain pattern. They meet me, start to become friendly with me for a while and then they start pulling away and act as if I did them something. They don't give me any explanation. All I get is excuses and lies. However, when I see them interact with other guys they don't act that way.  

As I walk about doing my daily activities, I see so many couples. I see guys who I know don't have my qualities being successful in obtaining romantic relationships.

Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me and nobody wants me. I understand that sometimes one would get rejected. But all the time?

I was told by some people that it is because of my arm. But would this be a problem for most women who I meet?

I'm 36 years old and I know that I would be a great boyfriend and maybe one day a husband and father and I wish that some lady would give me the chance to enter into her life.

I hope that I could make some friends on this site and gain some support because right now I feel as I I'm dying emotionally.I feel so alienated. I feel that no one wants what I have to offer (sigh). I wish that I could be accepted, trusted and loved in a committed relationship. I would definitely return that love 200% and more. Thanks for reading my post and I hope that I communicate with you all soon.
 
Hi Cooljohn,

I'm really sorry to hear about how bad you are feeling lately!

I can only speak for myself--I'm a 31 years old American female. I know that for me, a missing limb would certainly make me hesitate, BUT if that man and I had a lot in common, and we enjoyed each other's company, I would totally get over it. I think that there are a LOT of women willing to overlook this kind of thing if you are kind and a good person!

Perhaps some of this is cultural--I know that not all cultures are accepting of handicaps as others---could you relocate?

I'm not being flip, but sincere.

Hugs,

LG
 
Most women (and people in general, i believe) are looking for their dream-partner and a visible thing like a deformaty is, sadly, probably what has turned most women You've met down; that's not a part of what they are looking for.

The thing is that since people looking for relationships (naturally) see the partner of their dreams as someone important in the equation, and You have this problem, You are going to have to proove Yourself as someone very close to a woman's dreampartner on the inside, and that's what's hard for everyone looking for love. I know couples where one of them have deformaties and what i've noticed is that they are very different people in general, making them fit together better than anyone of them would with someone "normal", i guess.

Like i've written so many times before, i think the internet is the best way to find a person, for any matter, to be honest. Match-Making websites do work very well and is a great way to get to know people personally before You meet them. It worked great for me when i was desperately lonely so i'm sure it will for You too, CJ.
 
I don't think missing one forearm is that big a deal.

Do you use a prosthetic limb?

Hugs,

LG
 
Me neither, LG, and i think CJ up there might have a little case of low-esteem going on. ;)

John, You do know that the more different You see Yourself as, the more different others around You will see You. You create Your own appearence and feeling "alienated" doesn't like You're very comfortable with Yourself. You have to accept who You are before others can accept You. You know what i mean?

I was a bed-wetter (is that the actual word for it? Looks pretty messed up) until i was 10 and i hated it so much and felt like the only person in the world with that condition; my mom didn't even tell me that anyone else had it... I know how it feels, pretty much.

How do You think Your self-esteem is feeling?
 
Thanks for all the replies so far. To tell you the truth Robin, the self esteem thing only took a downslide recently. I would not have accomplished anything meaningful in my life if I told myself "I can't." I'm usually confident and most of the time I forget that I have a missing forearm unless someone brings up the topic. Just before I became a teacher, many people wondered how I would cope with all the heckling and teasing from the kids since they could be quite brutal. You know what? It has been quite rare that I was ever "victimised" in that manner by any of them. They seem to generally respect me. Believe me, I've seen other teachers (without a disability of course) who experience a harder time than I do. So it must have been something that I did right.

I don't really alienate myself from people because of my disability and I'm not ashamed of it at all. However, people alienate themselves from me, usually in the manner as I described in my first post. If I confront them concerning their actions they act as if I'm the bad one.

Lonelygirl, at the moment I don't use a prosthetic, but I am in the process of getting one. I guess you're correct that it may be a cultural thing. However, relocation is a bit of a difficult option for me at the moment.

I thought for a long time that my good qualities (including my "tall dark handsome good-looks." Please note that I'm not boasting or anything; I've been told that I'm good-looking on many occasions lol) and the fact that I Ideal with my disability in a positive light would have gone a long way in attracting someone, but it seems that I have to reconsider this now.

We are all human and I guess the initial reaction to my disability would be one of discomfort. However, after seeing me in action and interacting with me over a considerable period of time, I would think that someone would develop some attraction to me and would want to have a committed relationship. This is never the case. I can understand the rejection happening sometimes, but practically all the time? This is what really has me feeling down. I really do not know what to do again. Should I go through the rest of my life watching women fall head over feet for guys who I know can't treat them good? Must I always be overlooked because of my disability? This is not fair. I spent so many years of my life to become a better person. I prayed very hard for what I need but my prayers have been unanswered. What has been the use of it all I'm wondering now.

Also, I think sometimes the ones who may appear to be interested are possibly discouraged by friends and family. This makes things more complicated.

Most women are looking for a good man. I'm a good man. Why can't I be that special someone in a lady's life? This all hurts very badly. I really don't know what to do (sigh). :(:(
Again, I thank all those who have replied to my post thus far and I hope to make many friends here.

If you have a poll you can probably vote me as the "loneliest person on this site" lol (see, I could be funny too).:)
 
Hi Cooljohn,

I really feel for you. I understand how you feel, and how painful and frustrating it may be. I think part of this is perhaps the women you see that are going for men who treat them poorly--part of that is their own insecurity, part of it may be immaturity (women from ages 15-23 or so tend to pick 'bad boys' who are exciting and liberating to them sexually, but who would make terrible husbands.)

I really do think part of it is culture. In a place like the US or Canada, people probably wouldn't make such a big deal. But in smaller places, island places, these so-called disabilities can be a huge deal. Especially if the person is concerned about passing on that genetic 'defect' or you could say anomaly to their kids.

Are you in Jamaica? I'm very curious.

I also know what you mean about being good looking and yet rejected. That really hurts the ego!

Please keep coming back.

LG
 
Thanks Coolgirl. You put a smile on my face concerning the "genetic defect.":D

Actually it did not result from a genetic mutation. It seemed to have resulted from an umbilical cord obstruction during foetal development. I believe the medical term for it is "amniotic band syndrome." That is, while I was developing in my mother's womb, her umbilical cord hindered the development of the full arm.

Therefore, it's very unlikely that if I have kids they would have that deformity. It's a bit like say if someone loses their arm in an accident. Assuming that both parents are not genetically predisposed to produce kids who will be deformed in some way.  Based on this, then although one parent has lost an arm in an accident the kids very most likely would not be born with a deformity since it was a result of a physical incident rather than a genetic one.. I'm sorry if I waxed too scientific here but my physical situation warrants an explanation.

There are other things I want too add concerning my thread but I'm feeling tired and sad and all I need is some shoulders to cry on right now.
 
I'm feeling tired and sad and all I need is some shoulders to cry on right now.


You're in the right place. We've got 600 or so pairs of shoulders for you to cry on.

If you think it will help, you can post about why you're feeling sad right now. As you've already discovered, the people here are warm and avid listeners.
 
Hi John,

Thanks for not being offended. I didn't think that you are deformed in any way. You are as you were made by God, who knows why. God is a joker, some say. Others say he's cruel. Why give people intelligence and sensitivity, but let them suffer so much? I don't know. We'll find out when we die, I hope!

I think wearing a prosthetic would really help. I once saw a guy with an obvious prosthetic arm. I was so curious--even though he was wearing long sleeves, the one arm did not move.) I wanted to ask him what happened but didn't want to hurt his feelings or point it out, as we were in public. Thank you for explaining about your arm. I've heard of people losing their children due to the umbilical cord wrapping round the neck and the baby being stillborn, but not about losing a limb. Thanks for teaching me something new.

Why feel bad? You are a good person!

Hugs,

LG
 
Cooljohn said:
Thanks Coolgirl. You put a smile on my face concerning the "genetic defect.":D

Omigosh Lonelygirl! I just noticed this! It seems that I'm trying to rename you with part off my name LOL. :D I'm so sorry.

I forgot to mention that even women over 23 who I encounter (including ones in their 30's) want the same kind of men, i.e the so-called "bad boys."

Thanks for seeing me as a good person. I wish there is a special someone out there who would see me in this light and have a committed romantic relationship with me instead of playing games with me.
 
hi CJ, you sound like an intelligent guy with a mager in Life Sciences. i couled only dream of having brens like that. well i surepos it doesn't help much when your back home alone again. that feeling is the same how ever intelligent you are.
but i realy can not imagine the missing forearm thing wouled put girls of. but you never know what is going fro there head lol. i have found where i live that girls do go for the bad boys and that just is not me. thats maybe where we are both going wrong hay! i always look it girls who get treated badly by there boyfriends/husbands and think why are you with them. guss deep inside them the nice guys just are not existing enuff for them.
 
Cooljohn,

Honestly, that may be part of a cultural thing. I left the bad boys behind once I turned 25. I'd had enough of being mistreated. I'm surprised that women where you are still want the bad boy type even into their 30's.

Well, I wouldn't say that you should be a bad boy, but how about---making them work for it? If you can be a bit more mysterious, not just an open book, then a woman is more likely to want to get to know you. These days, even women like the chase--to a degree. What you want to do, I suppose, is to be friendly, but not just totally open.
 
I hear you Bluey. It's a drag isn't it? Actually, yes. The missing forearm thing seems to be a bit of a problem (sigh).

"I'm surprised that women where you are still want the bad boy type even into their 30's."

Lonelygirl, don't be surprised. I'm telling the truth. That's how it is.

You know, I think I've tried almost everything including what you mentioned there for years. That's one of the main reasons that I'm on this forum and feeling this way. I'm all tried out.

I used to have similar problems in obtaining employment. I graduated from university 14 years ago and I finally got my first permanent job this year. I used to work on contract for several years in a field that didn't require my qualifications. I was denied employment opportunities on numerous occasions on account of my disability. Of course, the potential employers would usually tacitly imply this rather than blatantly tell me this to my face.

As you can see my loneliness goes deeper, including the fact that I'm an only child and my parents are all I have. They are quite old and when they are gone one day I'll have no one. My extended family is quite large but we aren't really close.

The next thing is that when anyone needs help or something (mostly women, moreso the ones with whom I work or had worked with) they know who to bother (yours truly) because I'm so willing to help and quite resourceful. Anytime anyone really needs help I really go the distance for them. However, if a situation arises to socialise (whether romantically or non-romantically; I definitely do not have romantic relationships with women who are taken. I hate infidelity with a vengeance) it's like they prefer to be with other people; men or women. This happened a lot on my previous job. With this recent job I thought I would have had a fresh start and things would have gotten better. However, the same thing is happening again! It seems that I'm caught up in some vicious cycle or something. The strange part is that the kids are generally ok and I can handle them. It's the adults who get me down. I really don't understand this. I'm not rude, perverted or a wet blanket either when I'm socialising. I'm generally very friendly. I don't understand this at all. :(
 
Cooljohn,

That really sucks about the jobs. That's bullshit that they wouldn't hire you if you were able to do the jobs despite the situation.

As for women, you've got to meet some other women! Do you like white women? Do you ever meet any?

Can you possibly relocate to another place? I think you need to go somewhere where people are more open-minded!
 

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