Going through a divorce all alone

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Carcass Raid

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My wife of three years told me about a week ago that she wants a divorce. She says the way I don't care about anything and how I hate everyone make her dislike me. I can see why but I never really felt that way, I just got numb and felt unloved a few weeks ago. Apparently she gave me my one chance at redemption and I overlooked it. She was planning the divorce all behind my back and told me that she was just going to drop it on me one day. Everything.

I'm...the kind of person who has only one or two good friends. Those friends are in college though and I'm stuck alone in my room working minimum wage overnight. I've got no one to confide in and it hurts. Especially when I see my ex with her new love interest at work laughing together at breaks. I still just can't believe she got over everything we had in 3 years within 3 weeks. I get sick to my stomach when I come across a picture of us in the room that I haven't thrown away yet.

She's already moved on and I figured I should too. I want a new love in my life (i've already found one) but I still can't get over my ex. I still have feelings for her. Nowadays I just come home and drink until I feel a little better. I wish I could move up with my girlfriend but I'm poor too. *sigh*

Yeah I dunno what the point of this was. I just felt like I was suffocating keeping this in.
 
Carcass Raid said:
My wife of three years told me about a week ago that she wants a divorce. She says the way I don't care about anything and how I hate everyone make her dislike me. I can see why but I never really felt that way, I just got numb and felt unloved a few weeks ago. Apparently she gave me my one chance at redemption and I overlooked it. She was planning the divorce all behind my back and told me that she was just going to drop it on me one day. Everything.

I am so sorry. My own situation was somewhat similar, though on a longer time line - my ex came into the living room one night, said he was divorcing me, end of story and then walked back out. He had been planning his escape plan for well over a year, all without telling me so that, like you, I had no shot at redemption. I understand your pain. :(


Carcass Raid said:
I get sick to my stomach when I come across a picture of us in the room that I haven't thrown away yet.

I couldn't throw away the pictures and everything, but I did pack them away so I did not have to be hit in the face with reminders everywhere I turned.


Carcass Raid said:
She's already moved on and I figured I should too. I want a new love in my life (i've already found one) but I still can't get over my ex.

This will sound like the worst of cliches, but it is true nevertheless: It gets better with time.

But don't be surprised if you cycle back through the various stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining and depression before you really come to accept the situation as you move on. Moving on is a process, not a destination. <--OMG sorry. Now that really sounds like psychobabble bullshit, but it is true.


Carcass Raid said:
Yeah I dunno what the point of this was. I just felt like I was suffocating keeping this in.

Oh, we have to let it out at some point. Keeping all of that negativity inside only hurts you.

(((Carcass Raid)))
 
well...you're doing better than I did, I guess.
When my ex-wf filed for a diviorced. I fucken showed her.
I made my live in gf at the time get all dress up smexy in a mini skirt to go drop off the child support check...
while I set in her new truck and just waved. Amongs other crazy stuff I tired to do to make her jealous.

Heck , you're doing better than want I can do...I probably go ape honeysuckle if I see my wife with another guy,
while the divorced is still not final. And i would probably still have sometype of reactions if I see my ex's
with another guy...especially during a break up or right after a break up.

A diviorce or break up is difficult for everyone

Idk..my ex-gf told me oneday she didn't love me anymore...after all the fucken chaos and destructions she
cuased in our relationship. After I stood by her side in sickness and in health...after fucken 12 years.
It took me a while to heal and get over that. It wasn't easy. Alot of termoils, hurted, anger, re negocitions, clousure i had
to work through. She never gave me closure. That was the hardest part.

Well..all i know is alcohol is a depressent. it might numb your pains or emotions for a while..but ultimately it'll make you depressed.
I lived a pretty wild, crazy life style for around two years after my divrioce...Untimately even after 2 years of running.
I bascailly fell to my knees and cried my heart out for my ex-wf. Honestly, I'm still not over her. It's me though...not everyone
is like me.

Life is just so freaken weird. Out of all the people that would help me get through did with my ex-gf is my ex-wf.
It has taken a very ,very long time for Chelle and I to get to this piont. There were a lot stuff un finished bussiness, a lot of miss communications
a lot of miss undersrtanding that lead up to our diviorce. I still love her very much as she loves me. And coming from her it's like the world to me.
I messed up our marriage...i really, really did.
 
She cheated on me...she cheated on me! Ugh. I had a panic attack yesterday when I confronted her about it and you know what her response was? "How DARE you invade my privacy that's worse than cheating." I freaked. I asked if kissing someone else qualified as cheating and she said no it wasn't. I still feel sick seeing their text messages in her phone. I mean I know we're splitting up but we haven't DIVORCED YET we're still married. At least have that much respect after we've been together this long.

He...he calls her "babe". That was our name ._. I knew something was up and I TOLD her to tell me if anything happened between them because then I couldn't live with her anymore but guess what :/ So in a panicked rage yesterday I threw away the rest of our things. More pictures and finally our marriage certificate. I can't live like this anymore guys.

I'm constantly on the verge of a panic and my heart already isn't good. I don't know what to do. I'm probably about to make a bad decision but my girlfriend is trying to figure out a way for me to move in with her. At this point I'm ready to take anything if I can just get away from this entire state and start over with someone who cares about me.

I just can't take these hate-filled, paranoid nights anymore.

The worst part? If she said she wanted me back I'd take her in a heartbeat ._.
 
Carcass Raid said:
The worst part? If she said she wanted me back I'd take her in a heartbeat ._.

I know the feeling very will. And I too would do it in a heartbeat

Will, I moved in with a GF while going through my divorce.
It didn't solved all my problems but it kind of took the rage and
anger out of me. I belive it was more difficult for my GF than it
was for me becuase most of the time I wasn't emotionally avaliable
to her. She actaully did anything and everything for me.
She actaully acted the way what I always thought a wife should. Very loving, very understanding.
I didn't even had to pay rent or bills. She was self supporting. She even took me home to meet her family.
Money wasn't an issue. Kind of weird and ironic in a way. Love was right there, right in front of me.

She used to be my neighbour. We would go out and party and were just good friends.
I remember the day she saw me moving all my belongings to move back with my wife. "becareful"..she said.
Months later she took me home from the hospital after I tried to kill myself over my ex-wf.
She was a nurse...

I was very mentally and emotionally torn up at the time.
Bascailly got pretty obsessive about my ex-wf and divorce.
I felt vey guilty and ashame in what I was doing. i didn't
belive in a divorce. I actaully thought I was going to burn in hell.
Plus I nevered want a divorce. I didn't want another woman.
I wanted my wife. And I felt I didn't have a chioce in the matter.

On the flip side of that. I also experinced and knew my life
could and would go on without my wife. It was very difficult
to know and want that.

Sometimes i wonder how my life would be differnent today,
if I wasn't so caught up in myself with all the guilt and shame
and the insanity of it all..and gave the relationship with my GF a chance.

I belive if I had some type of positve couseling. i would have nevered
gotten up in the middle of the night and drove 1600 miles to run
away from all my problems. My gf begged and pleade for me not to leave. She cried her heart out. I fucken ripped her heart out. and abandent her. She gave me everything and i ran from it all.
Adding more pains on top of pains.
 
I recall that panic feeling well. That was the worst part, I think. Worse than the depression. While alcohol seems to help, it's a bad move for the long term. Seek professional help for the anxiety and depression instead. Much better drugs than alcohol to help deal with all the emotional crap.

Cheaptrick is right that it will get better with time, but expect to go through the whole cycle several times. I'm 10 months in and it has gotten easier, although I still have moments.

Moving in with another girl when you're not over your ex = bad idea. How do you even have a girlfriend when you only learned about your divorce a week ago?
 
I moved on because my ex made me move on. I'm not ready to but she is and if she doesn't want me anymore then I have to be with someone else. I'm the kind of person that feels extremely hurt when they're alone and this girl...she gives me so much love. I honestly feel like I can't do anything to mess us up (not that i'd try) but that we'd always be together.

I need something true right now and that's why I have this girl with me in my life. And because she needs me too. She's abused and completely alone and I can't do anything about it until June...
 
:( I am worried by several things here:

Carcass Raid said:
I'm not ready to but she is and if she doesn't want me anymore then I have to be with someone else.


Here, you admit that you are not ready to move on. I hope that you see how important a realization this really is.


Carcass Raid said:
I'm the kind of person that feels extremely hurt when they're alone

Honestly, I feel that most people feel this way, so you're not alone in this. Being alone, especially after you've "had it all" can seem especially unbearable. I know that in the early months of my separation I had moments when I literally did not know how I could possibly go on. I mean FFS, my husband and I had been together for just over 12 years at that point. It seemed unthinkable!


Carcass Raid said:
and this girl...she gives me so much love. I honestly feel like I can't do anything to mess us up (not that i'd try) but that we'd always be together.

I need something true right now and that's why I have this girl with me in my life. And because she needs me too. She's abused and completely alone and I can't do anything about it until June...

Please, be careful. There is a reason people talk unfavorably about rebound relationships. Usually we are so hurt by the rejection from our most recent relationships that we may seem to abandon reason and cling to the first person who shows us any kindness, and as good as that may make us feel, you can't use a new relationship as if it were a balm.

In your case in particular, you mention that the new girl has some issues of her own. At best, that could make things difficult.


Again, I am truly sorry that you are going through this. :(
 
i've tried showing my lady everything I could offer and more and she continues to ignore me. I think I just have to give up completely. I don't want to but I don't think I have a choice :/

And, she does give me so much love. But I'm a protector at heart. I can totally feel where you're coming from cheaptrickfan. I want to latch onto anyone who shows me compassion but for her it's different. I want to be with her the rest of my life...that might be too soon for this kind of thing but I'm really the long term relationship kind of person. I am a Cancer after all <.<

I just want to save this girl so bad and I know that we could heal each other after being hurt so horribly. The time away is killing me though. I'm an overnight person and she's a day person. There's always 8 hours between us.
 
Carcass Raid said:
i've tried showing my lady everything I could offer and more and she continues to ignore me. I think I just have to give up completely. I don't want to but I don't think I have a choice :/

Psychobabble Alert: Use this time now to pamper yourself, love yourself. I think that it would be a great time to devote to a hobby that you already have or to try something new that you always wanted to explore. It is not selfish to give yourself some extra TLC, and you never know, you may find new ways of working through the emotional issues which are bound to come up.

Carcass Raid said:
I want to be with her the rest of my life...that might be too soon for this kind of thing but I'm really the long term relationship kind of person. I am a Cancer after all <.<

Ohhh, you Cancers! ((((Carcass Raid)))) You are correct though, it probably is too soon for thoughts like "the rest of our lives." However, this does not mean that you can not be there for her as a friend.



Carcass Raid said:
I just want to save this girl so bad and I know that we could heal each other after being hurt so horribly.

It really is very tempting, I know, but your first responsibility ought to be to heal yourself. I can see the allure though - two people with like wounds, who can empathize with one another, who really understand one another?
But what about those times when you are both so weak and neither can be strong for the another because you can barely stand on your own feet? Propping each other up may sound romantic, but it can be exhausting, I'd bet.

Truly, the best of luck to you.
 
I honestly didn't expect a reply but thanks, cheaptrickfan<3

I would love nothing more than to move on and be myself again but I just feel like I can't. Hell, the woman sleeps in the same bed as me still. I think she needs to move out for me to feel better...

I...honestly don't think I can be too hurt in myself to not be there for her. All I want is for her to be happy and if I can overlook myself to do that then I'm there. That's just the kind of person I am. My ex just decided to overlook that I guess.
 
Carcass Raid said:
I would love nothing more than to move on and be myself again but I just feel like I can't. Hell, the woman sleeps in the same bed as me still. I think she needs to move out for me to feel better...

Oh, hold the phone! When you say "the woman" still sleeping in the same bed as you, do you mean your soon to be ex-wife? She's still there with you? Oh no.

I was there, I really was. My ex did not move out for 5 months after he told me he was leaving me, because why? Oh, because he wanted to wait and move into a brand new house of his very own instead of some shitty-ass apartment on Smith Street where all the other divorced daddies lived, because he didn't want to waste the money on rent. Nice, huh?

So yeah, I felt like I was under emotional siege for 5 months.

Dude: Kick. Her. OUT. She's getting a free ride and you will get nothing but torture.
 
I want to. I honestly want to D: but I can't. She's from washington state and I'm in louisiana. she doesn't know anyone around here except her new love interest WHO I HATE HE'S A FREAKING HOMEWRECKER but it takes two to tango so whatever.

but yeah...she still sleeps with me in the same bed. I have too much of a heart to kick her out completely. She's still my friend deep down no matter how much she's hurt me and how much I want to just completely forget about her. She keeps flooding back into my mind about all the good times we've had.

She's looking for an apartment now but isn't actively doing anyting I think. What can I do man?
 
Carcass Raid said:
She's looking for an apartment now but isn't actively doing anyting I think. What can I do man?

Ohh, hon. You can change the locks and tell her that she can bunk with her "new love interest," to use your words.

OMG you are too nice.

Then again, I understand. I was so shell-shocked by the whole ordeal, that it never even occurred to me to do the same thing with my ex and just boot him out. I know that for months I harbored the hope that we could reconcile, but I really hadn't had any idea of the depth of his feelings against that.

In retrospect, though I really wish I had been a ***** instead of some wounded thing lying on the side of the road.

:(
 
I was going to leave comments about your first post but after reading the last.. my statements changed.

Dude.. honestly.. kick her out. I know right now you're having so many undescribable emotions going through you and, the fact that she's divorceing you, that your not seriously thinking straight.

I know, right now, you want to look like the good guy.. giving her a roof over her shoulders instead of kicking her out on the streets. Hoping that, by having her around, maybe she'll see a different side of you and hopefully decides that what she's doing is wrong and that you are the good guy that she should be with. Maybe even that you're trying to squeeze the last moments with you together before she actually moves out.

But bro.. you're really hurting yourself even more..

She's made up her mind on what she wants and, TBH, once a girl has her mind set to something, it usually takes a miracle to change it otherwise. Im sorry to say but she's found someone to replace you.. someone she looks forward to, has gotten her attention and looks forward to his presence. She probably (silently) resents that she still has to deal with staying with you and looks forward to seeing him tomorrow. And knowing that once she's with him, the comfort of wipeing though of you makes her happy because her attention is soley directed towards him.

Honestly, Im not trying to put you down or make you feel even worse. Im trying to make you realize her mind set and understand what/how she's thinking.

Kick her out brother.. If that other guy really cares for her, let her see if he'll do the same careing thing that you're doing right now.

Remember.. "DONT MAKE ANYONE YOUR PRIORITY IF YOU'RE ONLY AN OPTION TO THEM"
 
You guys hit the nail on the head...but he can't take her because his "baby mama" is still living with him and they're working on splitting up but god knows how long that'll take. What a prize right?

That's why I feel like I can't kick her out. She honestly knows no one here that would take her in. She COULD go back to her parents but she doesn't want to. She's too prideful and doesn't want to face the "We told you so." thing that they've all apparently been hiding since we married. We did it young so there was a lot of doubt in everyone :/ Hell, I'm going to be 22 in July.

I never thought for a second until the moment she told me that she was working on it behind my back that we'd end this way.

OH OH, my favorite part, she was hiding everything away from me so she wouldn't hurt me :D That's just too much. How can I go about kicking her out? Am I allowed to do that...? like do I have the legal right to?
 
Carcass Raid said:
She COULD go back to her parents but she doesn't want to. She's too prideful and doesn't want to face the "We told you so." thing that they've all apparently been hiding since we married.

My heartless reaction to this? "Tough honeysuckle, honey." What's the expression about making one's bed?


Carcass Raid said:
How can I go about kicking her out? Am I allowed to do that...? like do I have the legal right to?

Check the laws in your state - I have no idea if you're in a no-fault state or not, but trust me, it can be pretty damned easy to dissolve that legal contract.

As far as occupancy goes, if you are in an apartment, it depends whose name is on the lease. If it is joint, you each have an equal right to be there. If it is in your name alone, then you have the sole authority to tell her to get the fresia out.

If you have a mortgage on a house on both of your names, it is much more complicated, and lawyers are a necessity, as will be you gaining proof of her infidelity. It may sound mercenary and terrible, but trust me, you need proof that you are free from the major wrong-doing: adultery, abuse, alienation of affection are the three biggies.

I caution you strongly: if it gets to the point where you have lawyers, do not trust a goddamn thing she and her attorney tell you.
 
I'm still confused.

1. You have a wife, but she doesn't want to be married, and although she told you that a week ago she's still shacking up with you. Is that right?
2. You also have a girlfriend that might let you live with her. Is that right? And is this someone you hooked up with AFTER your wife asked for a divorce?
 
Thanks for the heads up, cheaptrick fan. I've actually come to terms with things and accepted it for what it is. Yeah deep down I'm upset about how she did that to me but I can't help but feel better knowing that I've got someone that loves me too and that I get to be with her. So for now I'm letting her stay with me. She put in her apartment application today and hopefully she gets picked up soon.

If she doesn't by the time I leave I guess it's just too bad for her :/

coricopat: Yes you're correct on both and yes it was after. I was helping her get over HER ex a few months ago. She was suicidal and apparently I was the only person who cared enough to talk her out of it. Now she was helping me out with my divorce and stayed with me the whole time.
 
Carcass Raid said:
coricopat: Yes you're correct on both and yes it was after. I was helping her get over HER ex a few months ago. She was suicidal and apparently I was the only person who cared enough to talk her out of it. Now she was helping me out with my divorce and stayed with me the whole time.

Man, Im seeing so many red lights going off on this whole shibang!!!

Apparently, it seem slike that "other" guy is going through the same shiznit that you and her are going through with getting rid of your significant other. Now unless you actually know that they're going to split up, considering she's the babies moma and so many seep things comes with that when separating, Im thinking that he's either using your soon-to-be ex as a rebound or that he's playing the fields.

Honestly, not taking sides, this whole thing seems like a set-up for disaster for your soon-to-be ex. She has pride, the other guy is personally unstable with the way he handles relationships. What kind of person starts looking for a new begining if he hasn't finished his way out of another? 2 wrongs dont make a right and just by the looks of it.. I bet in due time, he'll leave her as easily if another chick catches his interest.

But, hey, that shouldn't be your problem anymore. This time let your pride get the best of you. You're 22 for gods sakes!! You still have a lot of years to find "the one".

Also, with this new gf of yours... seriously bro, I know she's there for you and been helping you out and all.. just dont get your emotions get to you. You might not agree but your both vunerable at the moment and drawn to each other's comfort. Dont get into something you dont want to be in 5 months from now. We're here to help but we also dont want to be the one to say, "we told you so..."

LoL

**** I wish I was still 22..!!!!
 

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