new to being lonely... confused, hurting...

So Im in my early 30s now. Im an attractive guy. I stay in great shape. I dont drink or use drugs. In college and high school, I had several serious gfs and went on dates quite often, with lots of girls. Up until my late 20s, I dated pretty frequently, and last year broke up with the girl who was probably my most serious gf to date. It was torture losing her. Its a year later, and I am over her. Ive moved on. BUT, something has happened.

I dont know what happened.. but my self esteem has gone to the crapper. Sure, I still think Im a smart, attractive guy, but since my break up, I dont believe anyone else wants me.

For example, my best friend from college, who i trust fully wants to hook me up with one her of co workers. I saw the girls photos and she is very hot, and she is a decent, well put together girl. But I told my friend no... I cant meet her.

Why?

Because I am convinced she wont like me. One problem is that I dont make as much money these days as I used to, but in this economy it happens. I am SO scared to get involved with a girl, bc Im scared I dont make enough money for her. I have it in my head that ALL women want a guy who is loaded, and would shun a guy who made less or equal to her. Its like ever since my break up, I think the WORST CASE SCENARIO will pan out with all potential mates. I know its irrational, but whenever anyone mentions dating or setting me up, I get physically ill.

And to be honest, now.. all my friends basically are married w. kids and have nice homes. I live in my old apt. building still. Making mediocre money. I just cant believe any woman will be happy with me, or wouldnt leave me for the first guy who made 100K per yr who walked up to her she'd leave me for him.

I stay home all alone now, I wont even leave the house. Life is boring and miserable for me. 30 and no direction or anyone to share life with.

bugzapper said:

Because I am convinced she wont like me. One problem is that I dont make as much money these days as I used to, but in this economy it happens. I am SO scared to get involved with a girl, bc Im scared I dont make enough money for her. I have it in my head that ALL women want a guy who is loaded, and would shun a guy who made less or equal to her.

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Women who aren't shallow don't care about salary. They care about heart and personality. If you're a good dude, then she'd be glad to be with you no matter what your bank statements look like.

The way I see it is this: If I'm with a woman that's making more money than me, I'd be OK with it AS LONG AS I were contributing at least SOME money. I'd feel useless and lame if I weren't making any money at all. But if I'm making enough to support myself, then I'd be fine in hooking up with a woman that made more money than me.

Look at it this way: If she's with YOU even though she makes more money than you, then SHE DOESN'T NEED a guy with 100K salary. Most women want personality, heart, and loyalty...not money.

And you sound like a nice guy...so do yourself a favor and try to give it a shot. What do you have to lose? You're not making any progress sitting at home...so by going out and trying, you can only eventually make progress. It might take a while to find the woman, but you WILL FIND HER if you get out and TRY. It's a certainty.

Good luck with things, dude. I hope you find that spark of drive that you need to get going again.

Thanks brother. True, and my brain/logical side knows not all women are after money... but my ex left an illogical fear in me.

Ok, but to take you up on your suggestion... go out and find someone...

How and where?

Im 32... Ive probably picked up more women in bars in the 90s/00s than many of my contemporaries... however, as a bar "pro"... I know this is not where I want to meet ANYONE or ANYTHING serious Plus, this is a college type town... Im the OLD MAN in most any bar I go in anyhow.. not to mention I dont drink anymore, and find most drunks pretty obnoxious.

I guess I could try Zoosk? haha

Seriously.. tell me where to go, and thats a start. There has to be places other than bars and churches to meet girls (ie. i dont go to church, and will not go).

bugzapper said:

Seriously.. tell me where to go, and thats a start. There has to be places other than bars and churches to meet girls (ie. i dont go to church, and will not go).

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Haha noooo I wouldn't recommend a church, really.

Best places to meet women, just from my personal experience:

1. The grocery store/supermarket. Lots of women, not all of them taken. This is also a good excuse to be in the store with some regularity...as you're a single guy, you're most likely prone to be shopping every day or two (instead of weekly like a family man)...so if you see a woman there everyday or every two days, chances are she's single.

2. Coffee shops. A lot of trendy, cool chicks have their coffee in shops...like Starbucks, etc...even the one inside a book store. Just order a coffee, sit down, and if you're as attractive as you say, then you'll catch some looks in no time at all.

3. Book stores. A lot of good women read. You should too. Or at least roam the aisles looking for women who are looking for books.

4. Trains and subways/public transportation. This is a good place to catch a girl's eye, because when you're riding public transportation, then everyone looks at everyone anyway...so it's not creepy if you stare a bit. It also gives you an opportunity to slip into a seat next to a woman and be there for 15 minutes or so and chat about small stuff. (or go ahead and make your move...I don't know how you work )

5. Lunch/fast-food. One of the best lunch-time places to meet women is at a deli-style restaurant. Women are drawn to soups and salads like nothing else...and if you show up at a place that mainly serves soups and salads, you'll see plenty of women. Hell, if you're brave, you could just slip a "hello + here's my number" note to a random girl that you see.

Well, those are just some general ideas about some places where women tend to congregate a bit. I hope that helps. Really, it sounds like you've just lost your self-confidence...and self-confidence isn't an inherent quality. It's something that you build with use and practice....so if you get out and try, I think you'll be start getting back on your feet and be alright.

Have a good one, man.

Gotcha... ok, but what if you JUST cant seem to muster up the courage to speak to a stranger? My ex gf was a friend before she was my gf. I played in a popular band (no, not Van Halen or anything) for YEARS, and to be honest... I had to NO work at all meeting girls. THEY would come up to ME. It was so easy. And even during my non band days, I was always at a bar, drunk as hell, and could approach anyone.

But here is me in my 30s. Just a regular working guy. No longer a musician. Very normal guy. I dont know how to cope though anymore. I dont even know who I am anymore. Everything about my old lifestyle is gone (for the better, mind you). I simply CANNOT approach a girl in a public setting... FEAR of rejection, and then worse, if she has a bf, then I feel like a dumb butt.

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Its like I never learned to really adjust to a normal, adult lifestyle...

The only way I even comminicate with the world is with my Facebook.... but at that, all it does is remind me all my old friends are married with kids and nice homes.

You were in a band? Oh, that's AWESOME!! I play guitar and drums...and I'm not currently in a band, but I jam around with some guys. I think that in itself is an excellent way to strike up a conversation with women...would you be willing to get back into the music scene? Maybe not professionally...but for fun. It would get you out of the house on those empty evenings/days, and it would give you a chance to meet some women in a more familiar context for you.

bugzapper said:

FEAR of rejection, and then worse, if she has a bf, then I feel like a dumb *******.

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Well, I guess all you can do is remember that rejection is NOT a personal judgement against who you are as a human being. Everyone likes something different in a potential romantic partner...so if a woman turns you down, she's not saying that you're not a good person. She's just saying that you don't fit her criteria.

Honestly, from my personal experience, only about 30% of the women that I approach actually show interest in me. It's not because I'm ugly or a bad person(I don't think ), but simply because they're looking for something else. If you go into it EXPECTING that most of the women are going to turn you down, then you'll feel better about it.

I think the problem here is that since you said you were always approached by women, you never had to learn how to deal with rejection...and now that you DO have to deal with it, you're a bit nervous about how to go through it.

Really, though...it's not that bad. Just understand that maybe only 2-3 out of 10 women that you interract with will pursue it. That's natural. But it's worth it. I would DEFINITELY and GLADLY go through 100 rejections if that meant that I could get 20 women to be interested in me. Try to look at it that way, maybe.

Haha and if she has a boyfriend...well, how could you know without asking? It's not like she had a sign around her neck saying, "TAKEN!!" So asking isn't a bad thing. ^_^ If a girl tells me she's taken, I usually just say something like, "Ahhh. Too bad." And then I walk off. There's nothing *******-ish about it...and chances are that the woman will take it as a compliment that she's pretty enough to be approached even if she's already taken.

Well I hope I'm helping to put things in perspective a bit here.

I guess you are believer in statistics, eh... ask enough girls out, and one's bound to say yes eventually.. yeah, and even a broken clock is right twice a day, and it's broke! Good perspective.

I dunno... you make alot sense, brother. Maybe the time just isnt right... and believe me, Im in the south, and the store I frequent most is Wal Mart, and BELIEVE ME.. you DO NOT want to approach any of the barefoot, ripped shorts, beer gutted broads in a southern Wal Mart. I think Im going to move out West eventually... I hate to think Im too sophisticated for a town.. but.. I am...

bugzapper said:

I hate to think Im too sophisticated for a town.. but.. I am...

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Well...I mean, there's nothing wrong with that. Some people are more comfortable in metro/big city areas...same with east/west coasts. More to do, more exciting, faster pace, more PEOPLE. That would definitely give you a much better chance of running into women....so maybe it's something to seriously think about.

I guess moving like that would be a big step, but if that's what it takes, then go for it! I honestly believe that we're all masters of our own lives. Sure, unexpected, shitty things happen to us, but we can still choose how to react to them. And maybe it's time for you to shift gears and get into a new mode and a new place?

Haha I dunno. Your path is your own, but I really do believe that if you're determined to get things moving, then you will find a way, whatever it takes.

You are RIGHT man.... YOU ARE THE MAN.. I do need to leave here. My knowledge of music, history, art, etc. is deep.. I enjoy good conversation.. I enjoy intellects... and here, all there is a bunch of southern belles with fake Scarlett O Hara accents who are tying to marry the richest guy in town.. OR you have women whose scope of conversation goes no further than NASCAR and Dancing with the Stars... I hate it here..

Stop going after girls, and start wanting women. Being so s00per totally like hawt is for teenagers. And if you want to be with money hungry women all the time, go right ahead. But not all of us are like that. Money isn't the most important thing in life.

Haha awwwww well, then I'd say focus your energies on getting to a situation where you can make the big move. Pay off debts, pack some stuff, pay out your lease....whatever you can do to get to a better place in life, do it. ^_^

There's no reason to rot in a place that you don't enjoy.

Haha I guess I've been totally hogging this thread, so I think I'll shuddap now and leave you with this:

You only have one life. Do anything you can to make yourself a better person and create the life you want to lead. Anything it takes, man. Good luck with it!

Just a quick few things to add here:

You mention being 30 a lot, and that it bothers you or that you think it's closed off something for you. Nothing could be further from the truth - there are a lot of people out there who are actually looking for something who's not 23. I'm single, 31, and I think dating someone super young sounds repulsive - I'd be much happier with someone 2 years older than me rather than 10 years younger than me, at least in most cases.

The "all my friends are married and have children" trap. It's oh so real - I feel your pain. If you have even one friend who's not married, start hanging out with them - they're dealing with the same stuff, and it will be great to meet someone who "gets you." If you don't have a single friend, start chatting up people at work, you never know.

"I've been doing the same thing forever, I still live in the same place, I never even go out anymore." I hear you - it gets to me sometimes too. Getting out there is definitely good - but take it a step at a time. You probably won't be comfortable running out to a club, so try something easier - the bookstore thing is a good idea. Start up a chat with someone who's reading something interesting.

And as far as wanting to meet someone - until you're comfortable starting a conversation with a woman who already has a boyfriend/husband/etc. just because she's interesting to talk to, you won't impress a woman who doesn't. Enjoy people for who they are, and sooner or later, someone will start to enjoy you.