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Shine

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hi people, i'm new here and this is the first time me doing something like this, i'll introduce myself first [being part of the story].

i'm a 21 year old guy who is tall, attractive [even good looking from what i heard], don't drink/smoke/drugs, always present at school, good grades, have a lot of good friends and they seem to like being around me, go out to clubs alot, have a nice family, wear nice/expensive clothes [which i work my a$$ of for] and i even have a nice bmw [worked for it myself]. so up till now it seems pretty nice doenst it?

well here is the other side, i never had a girlfriend [not as a partner or "friend" either] during my entire life. i did kiss with a girl but that was just high school experimenting. i'm still a virgin which i am ok with, i wouldn't share sex with some1 i wouldnt feel for. but because i never had a girl i feel so lonely, sad, down, dark and cold. i noticed that as i get older i find it much harder to talk to girls and keep a conversation going. i feel like i dont have any substance and i really struggle to keep converstions going. most of the time i dont even try and then they say i'm closed/strange [can't blame them for saying, right?]

i figured that some1 like me who has never had a girl must be a horrible person to be around i guess. i feel like it just isn't meant for me to happen because i feel like all the signs are there. sometimes i call my friends and ask them to hang out but they can't because they are already hanging out with girls [like 2day]. i feel such a loser then and so lonely and i have to admit that i sometimes really do cry because all of this. the hard thing about this is is that i get confronted with this every day.

when i am at school that's the worst. but also when i go to the movies with friends, walk through the park i see nice young couples having a good time with eachother. i'm really scared that it will never happen for me and to be honest i don't see it happening. will there really be a girl willing to spend her life by my side? how can she spend her life with some1 who doens't have any substance? i used to think: don't worry it will happen, but from 18 on i noticed that i was different, that it wasn't gonna happen.

in order to "make it happen" you need to make some1 like you, love you, have the conversations it takes to make some1 like you, be better than others. i would really like to experience love, hold some1, tell that person how much i love her, take her to the movies and have dinner with her. but it's not gonna happen and i just can't accept/get over that. it has come to the point that i don't even try it anymore, if they say Hey i'll say hey back if they dont then they dont. i never felt needed [by them], thats a horrible feeling. i feel like i'm here without a purpose.

because i don't have any girlfriends i sometimes lock into 1 from class, and that only hurts more. i guess i create feelings for her since she is the only one girl i talk with but it really hurts to see her having fun with other guys. not because of jealousy but i feel like; why can't i be that guy? i guess they are better then me. i have a hard time appreciating myself and i don't like compliments because of that. i feel like i missed out on what should have been a nice time of my younger years...i will never be able to catch up with that. my first date will be like when? when i'm 26 or anything? **** you must be a big time loser then.

sometimes people [friends,classmates or even my parents] ask me how its going with girls, i then say something like: busy with school and work. while in fact its just killing me all day.

i just wanted to get this off my chest, i'm not looking for pitty, i don't want to make my problem youre guys problems. but if you have read it thanks for taking your time and make sure you appreciate your partner [if you have 1] and tell them how much he/she means to you because having some1 is not obvious...take care.
 
It's not a problem or sometype of morbid defect.

A relationship, dating, having a GF is just like anything else.
It's a skill and a learning experince. Sometimes you get out what you put into it..
other times you get nothing and a bounch of bullshit.
You have to put time, energy and effort into it, never less.

Can't make anyone love you...you can attract some one to you and see what gose on from there.
Think of as a journey...not a destination.

You simply havn't had a GF becuase you chose not to...whatever your reasons are.
Now you're chosing and wanting a GF. It's just a matter of exposing yourself and doing it.

Stop compairing yourself with other people and let go of all those self defeating thoughts.

Just becuase I had a GF when I was 15 didn't examped me from going through the learning curve
of how to be with a woman and all those fears of rejections...etc
yeah i was thinking...will fresia me...Am i ever going to have a GF? Oh **** 18 years old without a gf would totally suck ass.
Luckiely my first GF was a total sweet heart. She was very kind, loving, caring, non abrasive, not controling, easy going.
Too bad it didn't last forever. Life just took us in different directions. I had to learn how to get over that too.

Just think of it as something new you're getting into...like a hobbie or activity you havn't done before.
Keep it simple like that..It'll take all of the negative intense thoughts and feelings away.

I actaULLY have a simular feelings running through me...I'm locked into one person at the moment..but it's not happening
I can't accept it all at once...I just accpet it a little bit at a time.
it's kind of retarded really....becuase I'm so used to not looking at other women becuase I've in long term relationships all my life.
I feel guilty or there's an automatic reaction of not checking out other women.
I know it sounds stupid..but I'm actaully forcing myself to check out other women's tits and ass. I'm not in a relationship. I'm single.
But my body and mind still acts like I'm in a relationship and is committed to someone....I'm not. it's like I'm having to retrain myself
or recondition myself. Change myself. Will...becuase my life changed. Adjusting my sails to the wind...I guess.
I'm not going to sit and spin that's for god **** sure.

I'm just done with all of that guilt and shame bullshit today...I really am.
 
Shine said:
.... it really hurts to see her having fun with other guys. not because of jealousy but i feel like; why can't i be that guy? i guess they are better then me. i have a hard time appreciating myself and i don't like compliments because of that. i feel like i missed out on what should have been a nice time of my younger years...i will never be able to catch up with that. my first date will be like when? when i'm 26 or anything? **** you must be a big time loser then.

sometimes people [friends,classmates or even my parents] ask me how its going with girls, i then say something like: busy with school and work. while in fact its just killing me all day.

Yeah, pretty much me, too.

I can ask a girl out and every 6 months or so wind up on a date, but nothing ever goes past that.

There's one in my Biology class right now who I kinda have a crush on. I even talked to her after class one day and we sorta had a conversation. But of course she has a boyfriend. I tracked him down on Myspace and for all intents and purposes he doesn't seem to have any redeeming qualities or usefulness. I theorize that I could kill and cremate him and dump his remains in to one of our water tenders, or sneak him in to a cement truck, and the world would soon forget him. But that would be unethical and she probably still wouldn't go for me.

:p

I also have a few people (parents mostly) who bother me all the time about whether or not I have a girlfriend yet. I'm not sure how I'll ever tell them that I have chest-crushing anxiety or that I'm, for all intents and purposes, love-shy.

Last time they asked I told them that I don't go to bars and I don't party, so I have no way to meet women, and therefor wouldn't be bringing home any precious Priest River crack whores to introduce to them any time soon. They get a really priceless look on their faces whenever I say something like that, heh.
 
What's this whole misconception guys seem to have? That if you're over 21 or 22 and never had a girl, that you're a loser? I've never thought that about a guy who has never been kissed or never had a girlfriend. If anyone has ever said that to you, move away from the judgmental people. You're still young. You have plenty of time. Is there any specific rush? Because it's not required we have a committed relationship by a certain age.
 
VanillaCreme said:
What's this whole misconception guys seem to have? That if you're over 21 or 22 and never had a girl, that you're a loser? I've never thought that about a guy who has never been kissed or never had a girlfriend. If anyone has ever said that to you, move away from the judgmental people. You're still young. You have plenty of time. Is there any specific rush? Because it's not required we have a committed relationship by a certain age.

mmm...our body clock.
Most male are in our sexaul prime at early 20's.
If you havn't had a girl while in your sexual prime..it really fucks you up in the head and then some.
Our horoms are shooting through the roof. i can try to explain it to you...but you being female will never have that experince or feeling to fulley understand it.
Us males have body chemistries too. Surpress your natural body's chemistry make you depressed as fresia.
surpressing anything makes you depressed as fresia.

it's kind of the samething with women.
A lot of women think if they don't have a baby or married and trying
to have a baby by the time they're 30...they're like old maids.
but..really??? It's a miss concept from my piont of veiw. I see a lot of beautiful women in their 30's or older.

it's kind of like trying to understand my one of my ex-gf or fiancee...she was a nympho.
I lived with her. i love and care for her..but she needed to have sex all the time. it was just her body chemistry.
I don't fully and ever grasp what she internally gose through mentally or emtionally.
Belive it not...she actaully wore me out and sex was just like going through the motions for me at times.
At times it even made our lives unmanageble with work scehdules and being a productive member of society.
She simply wanted to have sex all the time. If she didn't she'd go crazy. I'd dragged my ass into work worn out or late all the time.
I felt crazy living with her half of the time..simply becuase I never got any rest after a while. She was like the energizer bunnie.
 
Lonesome Crow said:
VanillaCreme said:
What's this whole misconception guys seem to have? That if you're over 21 or 22 and never had a girl, that you're a loser? I've never thought that about a guy who has never been kissed or never had a girlfriend. If anyone has ever said that to you, move away from the judgmental people. You're still young. You have plenty of time. Is there any specific rush? Because it's not required we have a committed relationship by a certain age.

mmm...our body clock.
Most male are in our sexaul prime at early 20's.
If you havn't had a girl while in your sexual prime..it really fucks you up in the head and then some.
Our horoms are shooting through the roof. i can try to explain it to you...but you being female will never have that experince or feeling to fulley understand it.
Us males have body chemistries too. Surpress your natural body's chemistry make you depressed as fresia.
surpressing anything makes you depressed as fresia.

it's kind of the samething with women.
A lot of women think if they don't have a baby or married and trying
to have a baby by the time they're 30...they're like old maids.
but..really??? It's a miss concept from my piont of veiw. I see a lot of beautiful women in their 30's or older.

it's kind of like trying to understand my one of my ex-gf or fiancee...she was a nympho.
I lived with her. i love and care for her..but she needed to have sex all the time. it was just her body chemistry.
I don't fully and ever grasp what she internally gose through mentally or emtionally.
Belive it not...she actaully wore me out and sex was just like going through the motions for me at times.
At times it even made our lives unmanageble with work scehdules and being a productive member of society.
She simply wanted to have sex all the time. If she didn't she'd go crazy. I'd dragged my ass into work worn out or late all the time.
I felt crazy living with her half of the time..simply becuase I never got any rest after a while. She was like the energizer bunnie.

I didn't mean anything sexual. Even then, we aren't supposed to absolutely have a relationship by any age. It's not a law or a rule. Too many people seem to think they have to have relationship by the time they're 21 or 22, and it's just not true.
 
woow, thnx for all the replies people, i really appreciate that. it was the first time i was being that open about my situation; even writing it was hard but somewhat a relief because i really spoke on my feelings/emotions freely for the first time. @ Luna: thats so sweet what you just said!, the first time i actually had a girl something like that saying to me. @ VanillaCream: i understand what you typed but for me its not really about a relationship, for me having a girlfriend is the ultimate proof of being a nice person. i know that my friends/family love/care about me but still, its a different type of love/care a girlfriend would give you. but i do feel like i am really ready to experience love. @ Brian: hahaha indeed, killing him wouldn't give you a better chance, but i do encourage you to keep talking to her. @ Lonesome Crow:Think of as a journey...not a destination. that are some beautiful words, i'll keep them in mind. again thnx all for your comments and we'll speak soon.
 
Having a girlfriend doesn't mean you're nice. ******** can get girlfriends as well.
 
Nilla's right...
******** and bit***es are the ones that usually have a partner, because I strongly believe that most people (secretly) enjoy the drama and complaining.

I like sweethearts, but somehow they go bad on me haha.
I've yet to meet a true sweetie.
If you are one of them, don't you change.
A person who doesn't take kindness for granted, is a person worth keeping.
Their loss, not yours.
 
VanillaCreme said:
Having a girlfriend doesn't mean you're nice. ******** can get girlfriends as well.

and strangely it seems like all the ******** are the ones who get girlfriends, without even trying sometimes. the saying "nice guys finish last" seems to be true from what ive seen.
 
I agree with those of you who say that having a boyfriend / girlfriend doesn't make you a nice person. But perhaps what Shine is getting at is that having a partner makes you feel validated. It's meant to prove something to other people as well as to yourself.

There have been a couple of occasions in the past when I've told someone I had a girlfriend and they said "Oh, that's great" and patted me on the shoulder, as if now they didn't have to feel so sorry for me. It's like there is this general idea that you can't be a complete human being unless you're in a (usually heterosexual) relationship.

Personally, I think what's important is to be loved in a broad sense of the word - that is, to be in relationships in which you care about someone who cares about you in return. Love can come from a partner, but it can also can come from family, friends, colleagues, and one's community. And perhaps thinking that all your problems will be solved by finding "the One" can be a bit of a mistake. Maybe we should be looking to develop loving relationships in all aspects of our lives, and not just romantically.
 
AndrewM said:
And perhaps thinking that all your problems will be solved by finding "the One" can be a bit of a mistake.

Understatement of the Year Award. :p

It is indeed a HUGE mistake to assume that a relationship will magically solve anything. Because it won't. :)
 
People take kindness for granted. They also mistake niceness for weakness. I've had to tell some people that about me. I'm nice, sure, but the minute you take it for a weakness, I'll show you how strong I can be.

As far as nice guys finishing last, not always. They're usually just finally noticed towards the end of the race.

AndrewM said:
I agree with those of you who say that having a boyfriend / girlfriend doesn't make you a nice person. But perhaps what Shine is getting at is that having a partner makes you feel validated. It's meant to prove something to other people as well as to yourself.

There have been a couple of occasions in the past when I've told someone I had a girlfriend and they said "Oh, that's great" and patted me on the shoulder, as if now they didn't have to feel so sorry for me. It's like there is this general idea that you can't be a complete human being unless you're in a (usually heterosexual) relationship.

Personally, I think what's important is to be loved in a broad sense of the word - that is, to be in relationships in which you care about someone who cares about you in return. Love can come from a partner, but it can also can come from family, friends, colleagues, and one's community. And perhaps thinking that all your problems will be solved by finding "the One" can be a bit of a mistake. Maybe we should be looking to develop loving relationships in all aspects of our lives, and not just romantically.

Feeling validated shouldn't come from that. It should come from you. It doesn't solve everything. The whole idea of having a partner is that you have someone there by your side to help you when you're in need. Someone who knows you deeper, inside and out, more than anyone else in the world. Not to have someone on your arm just to prove someone can hang off your shoulder. That's why a lot of people fall in love with their best friends. Or their partner IS their best friend. It should be someone who won't mind you, and who you don't mind being so deep in you. That's why I always say there's a connection, may not be instant, but there is one. A connection and a comfortableness. My ex may be an asshat, but there's a comfortable connection with him, more than anyone else sees in us.
 
yeah what AndrewM said, Vanilla Cream you said it yourself right: even ******** get gf's. well i feel like i must be something worse than an ******* then, because i'm not able to be liked by a girl. that's where empty/no substance feeling is coming from i guess. i never even had a textmessage or anything, that hurts so much i cannot tell y'all. and for me personally, i know that i don't look/live like a loser so it should be much easier for me. people always tell me how good i am; i spend more time and money on others than i do on myself.

sometimes people also tell me that i'm too good, i also think that might be part of the problem. because girls don't like guys that are too nice right? we'll thats just really who i am. i'ts not like i'm pushing every girl to become a girlfriend either. i can somewhat relate to how Luna feels; she said she'd rather quit the job before the boss would fire her". i sometimes close because i dont want to get confronted with rejaction. why should i try when i see girls are having different/deeper conversations with other guys?

i would really like to be a girls first choice, not some1 they wouldnt even consider a 2n choice option. that would be such a big boost for my self esteem. sometimes when i'm hanging out with friends they get phonecalls from girls and the're like: **** this girl calling again, it makes me sick". i'm like ****!!!, but i guess you don't appreciate a good thing untill its gone.

sometimes when i look forward to having a girlfriend it just makes me happy and sad at the same time. i see me holding her, holding her hands when i will get my first real kiss, take her out, go to paris for a weekend stuff like that. i'm not the one to make a fight so i dont think i will have a lot of troubles in a relationship. but it makes me sad because i know that it might not happen. they say you'll get what you deserve so that's what i'm holding on to...
 
I told a friend this last night. Being a good person doesn't guarantee you get what you want in life. That's just how you decided to live your life. Because you could be mean, and still not have what you want. It's all how life falls into place, and everything will when the timing is right. And it depends on the person if they like nice guys or not. Not everyone is the same.

As for fighting, you have to work for what you want. Things just don't come to you. You get lucky if they do. Seems to me, people are getting lazy about too many things. If you're unhappy with yourself, most people sense that. And you have to work on bettering yourself. And just because it doesn't happen right away, doesn't mean it won't happen at all. Don't be so impatient with something so important. It happens at different times for different people. Different strokes for different folks.
 
yeah i know i noticed people asking me why i sometimes look a bit sad/down, i just tell em i'm tired. i know people always say: stay positive but thats hard when your in a negative spriral, its hard to break out of. not to long ago a girl asked me what was wrong and **** it, i just broke down. this ******* tuff looking guy just broke down in tears. i cant believe it happened but it just happenend. my eyes couldnt hold back those tears that have been hiding there for such a long time. off course she started asking and i had to tell her some of the stuff. she has been real supportive but then i feel like: the only time i've been able to spend time with a girl is through my sadness of not being with girls, **** ironic isnt it. sometimes my friends say i should just start drinking and stuff, f*ck around with easy girls but no, i cant do that. thats not what i'm looking for. 2day was such good weather i was thinking about how it would be to be at the beach with ya girl. say sweet stuff to eachother, have some drinks, hold her to ya chest and kiss. haha i'm looking more forward to having a real kiss than having sex. haha sounds strange isnt it?
 
I'm in a similar situation as you. 20, never had a girlfriend, never got text messages/phone calls from girls. I know how bad it can make you feel inside. My main problem is I don't have good physical appearances, so I've only got my personality to try and attract females, which hasn't been working out too good.

It sucks really bad, and I hope your able to find someone soon.
 

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