does attention equal our value?

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kermithomer

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hey everybody,

Is it just me, or does it feel like theres something seriously wrong with us if we dont have members of the opposite sex making idiots of themselves to meet us??  There seems to be this idea that if that isnt happening to us, then we're losers and theres something wrong!!  Is anybody else in the habit of using this behaviour (no ones paying attention to me therefore im not worthy, and vice versa)?  Its certainly shoved in our faces through the media, and i find that its really affecting my self esteem - making loneliness combine with feeling bad about myself!! Anyone relate?
 
I'll agree with you. I've been seeing the same man for several years, but I honestly couldn't tell you if he's really, honestly attracted to me. He's never been in a relationship, slow in the courtship. I'm not used to being in relationship like this. He's a great guy, well worth the patience to see where this leads, but often I start wondering, why isn't he acting like most guys, does he not find me attractive, what's with me???? I know it sounds like I have a huge victim personality by allowing this behavior and feelings.
 
Kermit,

I know what you mean. Our society has these very false concepts of love and sexuality. We see fake stuff in movies, such as women orgasming the second a man penetrates her, and we think that's how it's supposed to be. Unfortunately, that has little to do with reality. The human body (female anyway) simply doesn't work that way for the vast majority of females!

As for love affairs, we are supposed to think that everything in life is love and being loved, and if we are not being pursued by many admirers of the opposite sex that we are undesirable and perhaps somehow defective.

Also complete rubbish!
 
No, respectfully I am compelled to disagree. What you describe is indeed a very serious defect! All things being equal, being pursued by suitable admirers of the opposite sex would vastly improve my life.
 
kermithomer said:
hey everybody,

Is it just me, or does it feel like theres something seriously wrong with us if we dont have members of the opposite sex making idiots of themselves to meet us?? There seems to be this idea that if that isnt happening to us, then we're losers and theres something wrong!! Is anybody else in the habit of using this behaviour (no ones paying attention to me therefore im not worthy, and vice versa)? Its certainly shoved in our faces through the media, and i find that its really affecting my self esteem - making loneliness combine with feeling bad about myself!! Anyone relate?

It sure feels like it, especially when your closest friends are being pursued along with all of their ex's wanting them back. I'm very rarely shown interest by a girl and when it happens I usually end up showing that interest back & that makes their interest vanish.


Life is more than being pursued by women, despite what many guys think.
There are many other things to appreciate in life. I no longer base my personal value on how many women are after me...I would never feel good about myself. I'm no longer starving for another relationship. I know I'll probably be stuck with my broken heart indefinitely, perhaps forever. There's worse things in life though.

Though it really sounds intruiging to die of a broken heart. =*(
 
Enough sour grapes! Even though we should hardly join in castigating ourselves for our outcast state, on the other hand, I can hardly deny that such appreciation whereof we speak, might lift my spirits. And one way or another, who will ever be close to you without first being drawn near? You are indeed poor specimens indeed if you can never esteem yourselves the worthier for your value to anyone who needs you.
 
Aaron!

These guys are already down...they don't need a kick!

I wish I could help them all and save them all. Eventually they will realize that through a combination of:

Sheer hard work, exercising regularly (particularly getting buff and built through weight lifting and body building) proper diet such as learning to steam some broccoli and bake some chicken breast, taking vitamins, avoiding or limiting smoking and drinking, going to church and/or working on our spirituality, giving back to society by volunteering and donating time to worthy causes, and forcing themselves to get out of the house and at least go hang out at the local coffee house and bookstore, that they will be able to improve themselves, their lives, and be less lonely.

Do you want to be less lonely? DON'T STAY MOPING around your house all day! Other than the Internet, which is a worth and valuable social tool, I want you to:

Open your curtains. Let the sun shine in. Turn on some music that gets you in a good mood. MOVE. Exercise. Go for a walk today at the park--bring a book, a journal, or an Ipod if you feel lonely or embarassed to go by yourself. With a book, you are never lonely--you always have a companion. The author is speaking directly to you and your beautiful soul. A journal to keep your thoughts, no matter how stupid or banal. An Ipod to listen to music that you love, particularly upbeat music that makes you feel energized and happy and sexy and loving and cheerful.
 
I oppose practicality without meaning or satisfaction. And so, I'll take a stand and say that all of our chance would be better and the less arduous if only there were anything more fun to do that boring repetitive exercises. -which would also supply a better reason to be more cheerful, unlike beating oneself up with power of positive thinking.
 
Aaron, practicality wouldn't actually be practical, if it didn't have meaning, otherwise it would fall into being impractical. :)
As for beating ourselves up with the power of positive thinking, I'm sure one positive result of that would eventually be realizing we need to stop beating ourselves up. :)
 
Alas, many people even on this very forum can never conceive of questioning whatever the common wisdom, no matter how consistently it ever fails them in practice. -The mechanics of prospecting for connections, rather than the meaning of reaching out.
 
Kermit, your awareness of the self-esteem issue being motivated, or lead, by the media rather than your own doing, means you haven't internalized it as being your fault, or something you did to cause members of the opposite sex not to fall all over themselves for your attention. That being said, it doesn't prevent us from being disappointed in those who follow that media belief and miss out on wonderful human connections and relationships because the persond doesn't fit the media "ideal". Kermit, I'm going with the assumption that you are male (only because of the id name). If that's the case, I'm going to suggest that you try and follow another time-tested popular "norm" (sorry Aaron, another typical "common wisdom") and be the man who totally courts a woman you're interested in. Be the guy who shows the real romantic side (this is not the disgusting, sloppy, sex-riddled type, this is the old-fashioned romance). Will it work on the woman you chose, who knows. If not, find another you are intersted in. (dating with real style rather than just to date). You will find a woman who becomes completely enraptured by your show of romance, and will have the same returned to you.
 
Everyone responds both on deep emotional levels and also more shallow to a pretty face. Indeed, what is more mythological and artificial than the compartmentalization between tender romance versus drooling hormones? You claim to wish another might see past your exterior. But when anyone however desirable to you likewise just thinks that you're cute, I bet you'll be giddy as a school girl! It's all good. Never confuse style and substance.
 
Style gets you there, substance keeps it going. I left the popular scene back in my college days, not really even sure those boys had "style" back then, but they sure were cute. :)
 
Teach, I think you said it well. Style attracts, substance makes it last, makes a relationship blossom and grow.
 
Teach, can you PM me and tell me more about your current relationship...just curious.

I remember the cute college boys..unfortunately, NONE of the men I've been attracted to, with few exceptions, have asked me out! :(
 
Dare you be more aggressive and take the initiative, then?
 
Not really good at taking the initiative or being aggressive. Would much rather have that be the "man" role, probably my Southern, mountain upbringing. I like the guy being "in charge", showing the strong, dependable soul (with the tweaking of female influence). :)
 
Being forward might be a thrill. But in the alternative, you can always be traditionally feminine, and let them think their leading if only you do show interested and provide openings and channels of contact, rather than trepidation, obstacles, distance and rejection.
 
Aaron, in my case...as you can probably tell...I'm usually not shy.

I remember having this HUGE crush on a Palestinian guy in college. I really really liked him. And I flirted endlessly, but he never asked me out...
 
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