Girls as Friends

Sorry this is kind of a rant/brain dump. I would love some input, however, feel free to ignore me.

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For those of you who have not seen my millions of thoughts about my current female situations... I have a situation with females. That is what I will leave it at. I am sure you can find my threads if you REALLY want to know details. This post more gears towards my thoughts about females.

When I lie around think about a girl who I am trying to build something with. The only thing I can think about is how disappointed I will be if I do not sleep with her, on the day we meet. Despite the fact that she is really nice and sweet and seems like we have a whole lot in common and could grow something really nice. I think about my attitude towards females. Then I think, why the hell can't I just think of her as a friend. I mean that is what I told her I wanted. Yet now that I have a chance to meet her all I can think about is ways to get her to sleep with me.

I sit here and wonder why that is. Why can't I just be friends with her? Why can't I just see her as a person? It hurts me, because I feel this will ruin any relationship I could have with her. It kind of ruined my last relationship. My last female friend told me that when we stopping having sex I seemed like I was not having as much fun. She was partially right, it was less fun spending time with her knowing I was not going to actually have sex. When I realized that, I was hurt. It hurt me a lot. It made me start to despise myself, because I am becoming like my dad.

I just don't get it, why is it that when I cannot just be friends with a female, when I do not have some kind of barrier between us. Such as I have some other female I am having sex with or the internet. Why do I need such big powerful labels and barriers to make me. Why can't I just appreciate someone for who they are? Just have fun, be a real friend. No I have to go straight to getting sex from her. What is worse is I will push a female away if I do not achieve that goal or already have that barrier in place.

I don't know like I said this is making me very depressed. Any thoughts on what kind of a miserable person I am?

Shes not right for you... if you dont want to give up, try more activities together. then she can be your activity buddy. but shes probably only going to cause you problems...

hey AFrozenSoul... i'm sorry, i'm afraid i haven't got any constructive input to your situation. i am myself in a place where i could most probably count on my 2 hands how many times i've had sex with my partner in a year... so the idea of sex to me right now is not exactly unappealing.
but i just wanted to sympathize with you. despising one's own self is not a pretty feeling and i hope one day that feeling ceases and is replaced by one of love instead. i'll ponder on your situation and give you more constructive input if i can.
oh but here's one thing though... like i said, i go without sex for long periods of time -_-" and well, i actually manage it by having other hobbies. i indulge in poetry... music... i play the guitar and compose. hmmm i spend lots of time on the net... talking to my mates and stuff.
and also... i'm in an extremely difficult situation with the partner and it's difficult for me to NOT be sexually attracted to other men. but if i realise i'm getting real close to a dude, and it's the sort of person i'd really like to have a long friendship with, well, i just start seeing them in a sort of 'brotherly' affection kinda thing. it might sound so terribly weird but so far it's worked. one of my best friends is a dude, and he's like my lil bro.

hmpft.

oh well

hugs to you,
mimi low

Because you seem to think of females as objects. Something you want to lay down with and have sex with. Friends are not objects to us, so they are thought of differently than someone you have sexual interest in.

@h i: I am not sure what you mean, "she is not right for you"...?

@mimi low: I am trying to manage... however, I am too depressed... nothing seems appealing to me right now. I was just doing a self-analysis. This is the conclusion I came too. It is not something that I think I may really be able to over come. Which depresses me more... in many ways I don't want to over come it. I don't want to close doors before they are open.

@VanillaCreme: So friends are people you just throw out the idea of having sex with huh? Great... seems like this relationship is doomed before it even starts. The way you state things you make it seem like my sex drive is something I should be ashamed of. Well no worries I am already ashamed of the desires I have. However, being ashamed of them seems to make them worse... well thus far anyway.

Theres some people that the chemistry is just unbalanced and youre better off avoiding. they dont even have to know you exist... the damage can be all your own doing. usually after an event, such as a break up, or something really awkward. but sometimes without even meeting, they cause you conflict within.

I had a girl in high school that was like this, and avoiding her actually made me feel better. I could focus on important stuff instead of her. Every time I saw her, I just wanted to hold hands or talk to her... and shes just like, whatever. Theres been others too...

Not all girls will confuse you like this. If it really does start to bother you. just your general being and not being able to get over it. replace her, or just put some distance and make her an activity friend. you can always get another girl. try someone less attractive, so friendship will be easier. start small and work your way back to the girl now.

I dont think anything is wrong with you. you just need something new, a different experience. youre probably becoming mundane with the same habits, bored, and thinking of sex in places where other options could be. add some new people and activities to your life style and you wont focus on sex so much.

AFrozenSoul:

If you REALLY want to try the FRIEND experience with a woman...then tell the next girl you meet that you're gay. Seriously. She will instantly be in friend mode, not truly considering you as mating material...and it may teach you to learn a new perspective of women.

Is this approach unorthodox? Sure. Is it sort of underhanded? Sure. But if you hold to it long enough to feel that the woman has become a FRIEND, then you may have found a part of yourself that was otherwise unreachable without such a drastic move.

Here's a tip: If you going to act gay for the purpose of this, then you DO NOT have to talk in a high voice or lisp...you DO NOT have to wear fashionable/metro clothing...and you DO NOT have to show an active interest in men. Just tell the girl that you're gay, but not looking for anyone at the moment (bad relationship just ended, etc).

Again, this move would be HIGHLY unorthodox and complicated...and probably unethical. But if it teaches you that you CAN view women as friends (and not sexual objects), then it will have been worth it.

Sorry if I am being really difficult I just get this way when I am thinking about flipping a coin to determine if I should make an attempt tonight or not

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@h i: I have never been good at gauging females feelings or interests in me. There could be tons of chemistry and I would be to blind, deaf.. lack of smell.. lack of taste, and paralyzed to see it.

I always get a good laugh when people tell me I can get another girl. If that were true I would not have these feelings. I would have what I want, and my mind would not be here. Like I said, distance will be put between us.

I am too depressed to do anything else I love. I have not played video games for over a month now. A MONTH, that is an insanely long time for me. All my activities have lost their joy. I have no motivation to do any other activities either. It really sucks, I want to get over this, but it seems impossible.

@Badjedidude: I am wary of creating such a huge lie like that. A huge lie got me into this mess. Plus I have to be able to meet women to be able to do this. I think that is another thing getting in my way. I just cannot met women... in real life anyway.

AFrozenSoul said:

I am wary of creating such a huge lie like that. A huge lie got me into this mess. Plus I have to be able to meet women to be able to do this. I think that is another thing getting in my way. I just cannot met women... in real life anyway.

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Fair enough. It is a pretty big lie and a huge move....but if you ever become completely desperate, then it's something to consider, at least.

You get bonus points for rejecting the idea, by the way. I wasn't setting you up or anything...but I do think it's admirable that you know yourself well enough to say "NO!" to something like what I suggested.

@Badjedidude: Plus I am not mature enough to really pull something like that off. I would probably just lie and say "I just have never had a woman who could excite me" and try and use that as a way to get converted.

I am not desperate to change myself yet. I want to be comfortable with my desires. However, I also want to be comfortable with women. Once I have both I think I will be ok. But right now I have no skills when it comes to meeting women so... yeah I am not comfortable with either.

I just feel like a scum bag. Feels like I am luring someone out to become my personal concubine... to replace my last female friend until I can seduce her once more... god I hate my feelings. I wish I had never developed them.

i have never really had a friend that was a girl that i talked to or hung out with regularly. i guess its because im too much of a video game and sci-fi nerd and i havent really come across and girls like that around here.

@edgecrusher: Another problem I have, so many of my interests keep me from socializing.

AFrozenSoul said:

But right now I have no skills when it comes to meeting women so... yeah I am not comfortable with either.

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Sounds like yet another reason for guys' night out in Europe. Strength in numbers, my friend. lol

AFrozenSoul said:

I just feel like a scum bag. Feels like I am luring someone out to become my personal concubine... to replace my last female friend until I can seduce her once more... god I hate my feelings. I wish I had never developed them.

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Well, there's nothing wrong with finding a woman to be sexual and attractive. There are times when I think sexual thoughts about my friends-who-are-girls....and that's just natural because I'm a dude. I sometimes consider taking things with those friends to the next level, even if that means the destruction of the friendship and taking advantage of her own feelings and desires.

But in the end I recognize the thought for what it is: A DAYDREAM. Like I said, I'm a guy...and guys have sexual daydreams and thoughts like that. Crazy thoughts about doing insanely stupid things for sex and sex ONLY. *shrug*

What makes me an OK dude (in my own opinion )is that I don't act on those thoughts. As a guy, I think it's OK to have thoughts like that....as long as you recognize that they're fantasies, and not reality. And don't try to MAKE them reality.

Women are going to hate on me for admitting this, but....really, I think most guys are probably the same. It's just taboo to admit it. *shrug*

Badjedidude said:

Sounds like yet another reason for guys' night out in Europe. Strength in numbers, my friend. lol

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:rolleyes2: yeah strength in numbers. It is just that when I get back those numbers will be gone. So will my strength.. and the trip will become a fevered dream.

Badjedidude said:

Well, there's nothing wrong with finding a woman to be sexual and attractive. There are times when I think sexual thoughts about my friends-who-are-girls....and that's just natural because I'm a dude. I sometimes consider taking things with those friends to the next level, even if that means the destruction of the friendship and taking advantage of her own feelings and desires.

But in the end I recognize the thought for what it is: A DAYDREAM. Like I said, I'm a guy...and guys have sexual daydreams and thoughts like that. Crazy thoughts about doing insanely stupid things for sex and sex ONLY. *shrug*

What makes me an OK dude (in my own opinion )is that I don't act on those thoughts. As a guy, I think it's OK to have thoughts like that....as long as you recognize that they're fantasies, and not reality. And don't try to MAKE them reality.

Women are going to hate on me for admitting this, but....really, I think most guys are probably the same. It's just taboo to admit it. *shrug*

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I don't want it to remain a day dream is the problem. I want my dream to be a reality. I want to get a chance to enjoy my desires once again. Not feel restricted by them. Not feel guilty for having them about someone. Like I said I don't want doors to just be closed. Given my record with women, I don't know when or if I will meet another one. I guess I want to take my chances instead of wonder what if....

Badjedidude said:

Women are going to hate on me for admitting this, but....really, I think most guys are probably the same. It's just taboo to admit it. *shrug*

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Then they shall hate you for speaking the truth, oh wise one. Do not hate us for what we are, ladies. We're trying our best

AFrozenSoul said:

So will my strength.. and the trip will become a fevered dream.

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Maybe not. Never know until you try.

AFrozenSoul said:

I guess I want to take my chances instead of wonder what if....

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That's not entirely a bad thing, man. If you need to do that...then go for it. Just be careful to be safe about it...and try not to abuse women. After all, there are plenty of women who feel the same way about men...and they aren't very hard to find. *shrug*

Badjedidude said:

Maybe not. Never know until you try.

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Depends on how much success I have during the trip.

Badjedidude said:

That's not entirely a bad thing, man. If you need to do that...then go for it. Just be careful to be safe about it...and try not to abuse women. After all, there are plenty of women who feel the same way about men...and they aren't very hard to find. *shrug*

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I have yet to meet a woman who feels the same way about men.

I guess I would rather ruin something and be alone then lie to myself and string myself along. Then again, if I was better with women I would not have a problem with this.

AFrozenSoul said:

@VanillaCreme: So friends are people you just throw out the idea of having sex with huh? Great... seems like this relationship is doomed before it even starts. The way you state things you make it seem like my sex drive is something I should be ashamed of. Well no worries I am already ashamed of the desires I have. However, being ashamed of them seems to make them worse... well thus far anyway.

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Uhh, that's generally the idea of having a friend. Unless they're friends with benefits.... yeah.... you don't have sexual relations with friends. I have lots of friends... I wouldn't sleep with any of them. Having a sex drive is nothing to be ashamed of. However, when you envision females as just an object for sex, and then you wonder why a deeper relationship won't develop, it becomes a problem.

i tried writing something like this in the 'date a girl on ALL' or some thread like that. i got a little side tract and offended some people. something about lesbians and bitching... i dont know... the important thing is i hear ya. most guys are like this. just keep it real man. no shame.

video games are a bad example cause most people out grow them. it might just be your time. lol. if its like a long distance thing, and youve got like real distance between you. maybe just talk it out. talk about sex or something. get it out of your system, and then move onto something else. you might just be putting to much emphasis on it, by not facing the problem. I still say get a fat friend and start small. do stuff like walking and going to movies together. being able to be around girls, is like breathing air. you dont think about it until somethings wrong. no girls... no air... then its a pretty big thing. just having a girl at school, or at work, or an activity buddy, will like fix so many problems dude.

Pretend they have a penis?

I don't know what to say. For me, it's pretty easy to see through guys that just want to fresia. I find myself always questioning their motives and wondering if they are genuine.

I grew up as a tom-boy, chilling with the guys and doing what they did. So maybe that allowed me to have that a sort of comfort-level around guys.

It's just something you're going to have to work on. Perhaps surround yourself with a bunch of females, not just one that you can focus on. You know what I think would be great for you? Volunteering at a battered-woman shelter, if possible. Might open your eyes.