• Please register and login and join us. Registered members may block ads while they are logged in.

...

  • Thread starter QuietDesperation2.0
  • Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.

Hazed

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2018
Messages
702
Reaction score
7
Ive read everything you've written, and my conclusion is that no other person suffers like you, you're experiencing the pinnacle of suffering, and there's no cure. No one can understand you and therefore no one can help you. 

Nothing i or anyone else writes seems to be good enough. Im struggling to figure out what you want out of this. I think you want to be heard. But so badly that its difficult to see that people are trying to listen. Like you're so hurt that anything that could remotely be bad is just more oil to the fire. Or water to the sea or something. 

Either way i'm definitely on ignore after this so i'll just enjoy the fireworks.
 

kaetic

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2012
Messages
1,213
Reaction score
27
Location
Ohio
Disagreement is not persecution. If you get offended and run away every time someone has a different opinion than you, then yes your world is going to be very lonely.

You're unhappy right now, why not accept another perspective and try to heal a bit? You complained that no one answered your question, but you ignored what they were saying as well, choosing to instead complain about no one "getting it."

Whether you stay or not, I hope you find what you need.
 
Q

QuietDesperation2.0

Guest
Rodent - Your content is in bold said:
"Personally I limit the term ugly to the purely visual domain but I understand what you mean by being "less ugly" in the eyes of guys you aren't attracted to. More personable/attractive due to no anxiety etc."

My answer: Actually, my severe anxiety around guys I like makes me look objectively more physically unattractive as well. My anxiety makes me unattractive in all ways - awkward body language, seems like I have a cold/boring personality, uglier voice, etc. They're simply not attracted, in any way, when I have my unique form of severe anxiety around them. 

"2.+3. Understood. When everyone is approximately the same social status and level of education it doesn't really matter and I'm not here to talk you out of your standards anyway. If that's what you are and what you want in return - which makes perfect sense - then you do you."

My answer: I'm glad you understand that everyone in my area is of the bougie, elitist, educated type - and everyone is of approximately the same social status and education. That's what I've been surrounded by, and that's what I am. I've said several times before that EVERYONE in my area is like that, but they want nothing to do with me, IRL or in dating apps, these days because of the face problem. 

Another thing is that after my face problem, I've been downgraded in social/socioeconomic/educational status, in people's eyes, because people automatically think a very unattractive person is lowly, cheap, backwards, uneducated, coarse, unrefined, unstylish, etc. So that's why I talk about the bougie, cultured, educated, stylish, liberal so much - because I suffer from being wrongly downgraded in various forms of "status" everyday - when i was never downgraded as that before. When I was still pretty and young-looking for my age, I was seen more as how I am - an educated, elegant, classy, stylish person who was not cheap and went to the normal stores/cafes/places. Now when I go to the stores/snooty cafes I've been going to for years - they're rude to me and think I don't belong simply because of my ugly face. And an ugly face makes people extremely subconsciously biased in many ways - thinking you're cheap when you're not, a bottom feeder when you're not, knows nothing about their brand/store when I've been shopping there for many years. So I avoid shopping in stores after the face problem because I'm judged so wrongly, ignored, wrong assumptions - when I never got those before the face problem. 


I'm still the same person after the face problem, but seen/treated infinitely worse. There's so many extremely wrong biases/assumptions/stereotyping towards me now. Going anywhere, interacting with anyone, leaving the house is a nightmare, and extreme trauma. I'm very sick, weak, fragile, and broken after several years of the daily trauma of my face problem. People said that they can see the trauma in my eyes - I look like a very broken person who has gone through extremes of hell. 


"Spending a lot of time with people that don't "meet your needs" sounds like torture, but I'd think a people who are outsiders/introverts can relate. Can't imagine how that could go beyond the first date in a romantic setting."

Yes, it is torture. People like people who appeal to them innately. People can eventually like someone who didn't initially appeal to them innately, in some cases. But again, because I'm anxious/a turnoff around people I like, and not anxious/not a turnoff around people I dislike - then I'm only stuck with people I dislike - who have all the traits that I don't like, that don't innately appeal to me. And I've tried extremely hard to like them, have gratitude, have empathy - but it's still extremely hard, and takes a lot out of me. These people have never heard of anything I say, don't get what I'm driving at - because they're worlds and worlds away from me. I'm nice to my "friends" - I see their qualities that even their families don't see. They feel grateful they can talk or hang out with me - because around them, I'm more normie and less ugly than I am around people I truly like and find appealing. But they're extremely ungratifying to me. Our talks go nowhere because they can't begin to imagine where I'm coming from.

Ironically, all the hipster/bougie/educated/stylish people around me, IRL, in my area - would be able to completely relate to my worldview/interests/values/politics - but they don't see it, because my weird form of anxiety around them (people I like) makes them wrongly see me as the opposite of who I am. I've described this various times in this forum, but it's hard for people to absorb this because so few people have this specific problem, and so severely. It's mired in stereotypes against my ethnicity, too - that complicates things a great deal. 


"I don't put much effort into my appearance and I don't care if I'm judged for it."

That must mean that you come across decent enough that you don't need to put effort into your appearance. I'm seen as the lowest of the low, IRL, so I've tried to hell, continuously, to try to improve on my looks with clothes, hair, makeup, etc. It's an ongoing and losing battle. No matter what I wear, or what my makeup looks like - I'm adamantly judged as poorly dressed, backwards, and cheap. Again, whenever I go into a store - trendy/affordable, or higher-end - I'm ignored, treated condescendingly, and assumed to not be a shopper there - even if I'm covered head to toe in THEIR BRAND(S). That's after my face problem, not before. I could go into any store fine before my face problem because I had a regular, pretty, young-looking face. But with my extremely ugly face - the Halo Effect is there to an extreme - automatically and adamantly seen as cheap, poor, live under a rock, not a shopper there, dumb, lowly - even if I've been shopping there for many years and know much more about their store/brands than they do. 


"Let me rephrase another part though: I can logically process why my girlfriend is seen as unattractive or below-average by the general population (and she's been bullied as a consequence).  My perception is not like that though. I still find her attractive on a physical and social level."

I can understand how you find your gf attractive, even though you can logically process why she's seen as unattractive by others. If you love her, and many other aspects of her, then you naturally will find her physically attractive, too, at least eventually - maybe not necessarily at first sight. 


"We have lots of common interests and a similar approach to life. She's chill to be around and I value that in other people. I've been with her for almost two years now."

That's what's sorely missing in my friends and potential dates/bfs. I don't care if a guy is seen as ugly by others, as long as I really like him in other ways - some shared interests/worldview/politics/education, if I like his personality - if I like everything else about him. And if I'm comfortable around him, at least eventually.

And if I'm comfortable being seen with him in public, and if my family welcomes him, too. Families/friends can be nasty to gfs/bfs who are uglier and more unlikeable - so that can cause stress and a rift between couples, and cause them to have difficulties and eventually break up because they can't go on. 


"Did you miss my question where I asked about your anxiety in online vs. offline settings or did you not deem it worthy to answer because a). it's the same or b). you haven't found yourself in a scenario where you weren't immediately stonewalled due to your looks anyway?"

There's no easy answer to that, not as relevant, and I found it hard to answer. I can answer in one aspect, though: I'd say that if I had some "crush" on someone online, say on a forum, I wouldn't talk to them at all. It's much easier to chat/PM with someone I don't care for so much. 


That was a lot of work in responding thoroughly to your response/questions, but that's ok. Since you seemed to have worded everything in a nice enough way, and didn't seem condescending, and you seemed to have understood some points I made - it was not that painful to respond, and I'm not that exhausted. If people word things in an accusatory, dismissive way, then it can be exhausting to respond - to "fight" against what they're saying. 
 

LostintheBardo

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 27, 2018
Messages
175
Reaction score
4
OP is a melodramatic princess with a persecution complex the size of the moon and who would almost certainly be a nightmare for any guy who had the misfortune of dating her.

Sometimes you need to look in the mirror, not point the finger at everyone else.
 

ardour

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 25, 2011
Messages
4,055
Reaction score
35
Location
New Zealand
"Nasty responses"...? Oh boy.

No I wouldn't date Susan Boyle but my standards are nowhere near the OP's, and, unlike her, I haven't had any interest from the Susan Boyles.

I wanted to understand and empathize while I still thought this was actually a decent enough person who had been through the ringer. Just disagreed on a couple of points.

Clearly not sufficient. Because apparently this is the most oppressed person on the planet. Oppressed because the pretty/cool people don't like me anymore, and only guys I don't want are interested. Seems like she's suffering from a tragic loss of status.
 
Q

QuietDesperation2.0

Guest
The following are on my Ignore List - rest assured I will never see their posts or responses: ardour, Xpendable, and most others who have posted in this thread.

And this thread will be locked up for eternity soon. Please do not jump to conclusions about me. Please do not make me exhaustively write the same detailed explanations over and over again. And none of them ever listen or budge one bit. It always seems like their way or the highway - they just stick to their guns, no matter what.
 

Xpendable

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 11, 2015
Messages
1,690
Reaction score
2
Location
Chile
What's the problem with Susan Boyle? She's a great singer and a nice lady. Probably the biggest problem is the age difference. I remember she was a Forever Alone person and never kissed a man. I personally like to be active so I don't think I can be too comfortable with an old person. Yes, I probably have a limit on my standards but I'm more concerned in the chemistry. In the past, there were very cruel and annoying girls around me and some of them liked me. I know I was not their choice and probably thought I was accessible but they had nasty personalities, and I don't mean like awkward or downers, but actual bullies. I don't really dislike obese people because of how they look as much as I dislike the fact they do nothing about it. I don't have a great body by any means but I try to be in reasonable shape. For me, the outside can be a reflection of the inside. Maybe working out won't fix a face or height but it would show character. It shows discipline and self-control, it shows will power and self-love. If you are willing to bust your ass to be a better person overall, then pretty much nothing justifies being alone or unwanted. I myself have seen some improvement in my relations after I made some changes. Not everything has to be physical. I've been working on being more confident; I may be self-conscious at times when it comes to presenting myself. I try to stan straight, to talk correctly, not to stumble on words, not to talk too much or too little, look people on the eye and be receptive. It's all very tiresome and many times I ask myself if it will pay off. I don't see anyone telling you to change those things and you mentioned you are in a loop or circle. I don't know your age but I feel you can still begin to correct these things. I used to be sure people will like me eventually for who I am but sadly that's not the world we live in. So again, if you meet a guy with all those traits, why should he be with you? What have you done to change the ties? I ask because I empathize. People in this forum can tell you I've been in this same spot and sometimes I relapse again and become very bitter and repel anyone and reject the same hollow advice over and over. I'm not trying to give a loose definition of the person one should become. I try to be empirical and actually materialize what I want. Not in a hippie-like-the secret kinda thing by just wishing, but actually attacking the issues at hand. It's a long, hard road but I believe it has its rewards sooner or later.

Edit: damn, 5 minutes too late :/
 
Q

QuietDesperation2.0

Guest
Xpendable said:
What's the problem with Susan Boyle? She's a great singer and a nice lady. Probably the biggest problem is the age difference. I remember she was a Forever Alone person and never kissed a man. I personally like to be active so I don't think I can be too comfortable with an old person. Yes, I probably have a limit on my standards but I'm more concerned in the chemistry. In the past, there were very cruel and annoying girls around me and some of them liked me. I know I was not their choice and probably thought I was accessible but they had nasty personalities, and I don't mean like awkward or downers, but actual bullies. I don't really dislike obese people because of how they look as much as I dislike the fact they do nothing about it. I don't have a great body by any means but I try to be in reasonable shape. For me, the outside can be a reflection of the inside. Maybe working out won't fix a face or height but it would show character. It shows discipline and self-control, it shows will power and self-love. If you are willing to bust your ass to be a better person overall, then pretty much nothing justifies being alone or unwanted. I myself have seen some improvement in my relations after I made some changes. Not everything has to be physical. I've been working on being more confident; I may be self-conscious at times when it comes to presenting myself. I try to stan straight, to talk correctly, not to stumble on words, not to talk too much or too little, look people on the eye and be receptive. It's all very tiresome and many times I ask myself if it will pay off. I don't see anyone telling you to change those things and you mentioned you are in a loop or circle. I don't know your age but I feel you can still begin to correct these things. I used to be sure people will like me eventually for who I am but sadly that's not the world we live in. So again, if you meet a guy with all those traits, why should he be with you? What have you done to change the ties? I ask because I empathize. People in this forum can tell you I've been in this same spot and sometimes I relapse again and become very bitter and repel anyone and reject the same hollow advice over and over. I'm not trying to give a loose definition of the person one should become. I try to be empirical and actually materialize what I want. Not in a hippie-like-the secret kinda thing by just wishing, but actually attacking the issues at hand. It's a long, hard road but I believe it has its rewards sooner or later.

Edit: damn, 5 minutes too late :/

Ok, I hadn't actually added you to the Ignore List yet, since I hadn't come across your post in a while until now. So not too late. I read that. But I have most of the others in this thread on my Ignore List. 

You never mentioned your country, but I see it in your profile. I wonder if things are different there than in the US or most Anglo countries. I'm sure most people on this forum are from the US, and maybe the UK, Canada, etc. I'm in the US, but not white American, so I go through life extremely differently, and suffer from stereotypes and stigmas. 

The most direct fix for me would theoretically be plastic surgery, but my particular/unusual face problems makes that very experimental, risky, expensive, painful, and unlikely to get decent results. My face is not straightforward. I've consulted a number of plastic surgeons in my area, and none of them said they could do anything about my face.
 

Puddled Duck

Banned
Joined
Dec 20, 2018
Messages
371
Reaction score
0
Xpendable said:
What's the problem with Susan Boyle? She's a great singer and a nice lady.

Yep, but I wouldn’t go down on her.

Perhaps have a cup of tea and a slice of carrot cake with her and listen to her warble out Wild Horses or something like that for 3 minutes.

But I’m sorry, I’m not going down on her.
 
Q

QuietDesperation2.0

Guest
What's with the Susan Boyle bashing? That's like bashing me, if any of you saw me in person - except worse. Well, I'm not even seen/treated as human IRL.

And yes, Susan Boyle is an amazing singer and nice person. People like her should be given a lot more respect. There's way too much lookism and ageism in the world. I'm not old, but seen as old, so I suffer from ageism, too.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Latest posts

Top