"Personally I limit the term ugly to the purely visual domain but I understand what you mean by being "less ugly" in the eyes of guys you aren't attracted to. More personable/attractive due to no anxiety etc."
My answer: Actually, my severe anxiety around guys I like makes me look objectively more physically unattractive as well. My anxiety makes me unattractive in all ways - awkward body language, seems like I have a cold/boring personality, uglier voice, etc. They're simply not attracted, in any way, when I have my unique form of severe anxiety around them.
"2.+3. Understood. When everyone is approximately the same social status and level of education it doesn't really matter and I'm not here to talk you out of your standards anyway. If that's what you are and what you want in return - which makes perfect sense - then you do you."
My answer: I'm glad you understand that everyone in my area is of the bougie, elitist, educated type - and everyone is of approximately the same social status and education. That's what I've been surrounded by, and that's what I am. I've said several times before that EVERYONE in my area is like that, but they want nothing to do with me, IRL or in dating apps, these days because of the face problem.
Another thing is that after my face problem, I've been downgraded in social/socioeconomic/educational status, in people's eyes, because people automatically think a very unattractive person is lowly, cheap, backwards, uneducated, coarse, unrefined, unstylish, etc. So that's why I talk about the bougie, cultured, educated, stylish, liberal so much - because I suffer from being wrongly downgraded in various forms of "status" everyday - when i was never downgraded as that before. When I was still pretty and young-looking for my age, I was seen more as how I am - an educated, elegant, classy, stylish person who was not cheap and went to the normal stores/cafes/places. Now when I go to the stores/snooty cafes I've been going to for years - they're rude to me and think I don't belong simply because of my ugly face. And an ugly face makes people extremely subconsciously biased in many ways - thinking you're cheap when you're not, a bottom feeder when you're not, knows nothing about their brand/store when I've been shopping there for many years. So I avoid shopping in stores after the face problem because I'm judged so wrongly, ignored, wrong assumptions - when I never got those before the face problem.
I'm still the same person after the face problem, but seen/treated infinitely worse. There's so many extremely wrong biases/assumptions/stereotyping towards me now. Going anywhere, interacting with anyone, leaving the house is a nightmare, and extreme trauma. I'm very sick, weak, fragile, and broken after several years of the daily trauma of my face problem. People said that they can see the trauma in my eyes - I look like a very broken person who has gone through extremes of hell.
"Spending a lot of time with people that don't "meet your needs" sounds like torture, but I'd think a people who are outsiders/introverts can relate. Can't imagine how that could go beyond the first date in a romantic setting."
Yes, it is torture. People like people who appeal to them innately. People can eventually like someone who didn't initially appeal to them innately, in some cases. But again, because I'm anxious/a turnoff around people I like, and not anxious/not a turnoff around people I dislike - then I'm only stuck with people I dislike - who have all the traits that I don't like, that don't innately appeal to me. And I've tried extremely hard to like them, have gratitude, have empathy - but it's still extremely hard, and takes a lot out of me. These people have never heard of anything I say, don't get what I'm driving at - because they're worlds and worlds away from me. I'm nice to my "friends" - I see their qualities that even their families don't see. They feel grateful they can talk or hang out with me - because around them, I'm more normie and less ugly than I am around people I truly like and find appealing. But they're extremely ungratifying to me. Our talks go nowhere because they can't begin to imagine where I'm coming from.
Ironically, all the hipster/bougie/educated/stylish people around me, IRL, in my area - would be able to completely relate to my worldview/interests/values/politics - but they don't see it, because my weird form of anxiety around them (people I like) makes them wrongly see me as the opposite of who I am. I've described this various times in this forum, but it's hard for people to absorb this because so few people have this specific problem, and so severely. It's mired in stereotypes against my ethnicity, too - that complicates things a great deal.
"I don't put much effort into my appearance and I don't care if I'm judged for it."
That must mean that you come across decent enough that you don't need to put effort into your appearance. I'm seen as the lowest of the low, IRL, so I've tried to hell, continuously, to try to improve on my looks with clothes, hair, makeup, etc. It's an ongoing and losing battle. No matter what I wear, or what my makeup looks like - I'm adamantly judged as poorly dressed, backwards, and cheap. Again, whenever I go into a store - trendy/affordable, or higher-end - I'm ignored, treated condescendingly, and assumed to not be a shopper there - even if I'm covered head to toe in THEIR BRAND(S). That's after my face problem, not before. I could go into any store fine before my face problem because I had a regular, pretty, young-looking face. But with my extremely ugly face - the Halo Effect is there to an extreme - automatically and adamantly seen as cheap, poor, live under a rock, not a shopper there, dumb, lowly - even if I've been shopping there for many years and know much more about their store/brands than they do.
"Let me rephrase another part though: I can logically process why my girlfriend is seen as unattractive or below-average by the general population (and she's been bullied as a consequence). My perception is not like that though. I still find her attractive on a physical and social level."
I can understand how you find your gf attractive, even though you can logically process why she's seen as unattractive by others. If you love her, and many other aspects of her, then you naturally will find her physically attractive, too, at least eventually - maybe not necessarily at first sight.
"We have lots of common interests and a similar approach to life. She's chill to be around and I value that in other people. I've been with her for almost two years now."
That's what's sorely missing in my friends and potential dates/bfs. I don't care if a guy is seen as ugly by others, as long as I really like him in other ways - some shared interests/worldview/politics/education, if I like his personality - if I like everything else about him. And if I'm comfortable around him, at least eventually.
And if I'm comfortable being seen with him in public, and if my family welcomes him, too. Families/friends can be nasty to gfs/bfs who are uglier and more unlikeable - so that can cause stress and a rift between couples, and cause them to have difficulties and eventually break up because they can't go on.
"Did you miss my question where I asked about your anxiety in online vs. offline settings or did you not deem it worthy to answer because a). it's the same or b). you haven't found yourself in a scenario where you weren't immediately stonewalled due to your looks anyway?"
There's no easy answer to that, not as relevant, and I found it hard to answer. I can answer in one aspect, though: I'd say that if I had some "crush" on someone online, say on a forum, I wouldn't talk to them at all. It's much easier to chat/PM with someone I don't care for so much.
That was a lot of work in responding thoroughly to your response/questions, but that's ok. Since you seemed to have worded everything in a nice enough way, and didn't seem condescending, and you seemed to have understood some points I made - it was not that painful to respond, and I'm not that exhausted. If people word things in an accusatory, dismissive way, then it can be exhausting to respond - to "fight" against what they're saying.
