40s, Male, Lonely

[mizera]

Hello, I found this site recently. I suffer from loneliness. I have been depressed off and on during my adult years, but now after a difficult period in my 30s (drugs, out of work, depression, etc.) I've managed to find a new profession and am living a healthy life. Unfortunately, I have no one in my life but my mother. I spend a good deal of time thinking about what happens when she dies. Ideally when this happens, a person has their partner, friends, children, etc. around. But I may have no one if I continue on living like this. I sort of enjoy my job, so during the week I occupy myself with it. But on the weekends I have no idea what to do. Occasionally I will take a walk in another part of the city, but usually I can't wait to get back into my apartment. I am sleep deprived due to a cat who doesn't have much longer to live. He wails and wakes me up every day at 4am. So the rest of the day I am tired. I can manage to eat, work, exercise, and do a little cleaning. The rest of the time I remain in bed either surfing the internet or watching television. One problem is that I rarely find anything of value on the computer or tv, so I just pass the time. On the rare occasions when I discover a very good television program, I am living my best life. I can get away from myself, my fears, and loneliness and just watch the tv without any feelings of guilt.

On the positive side, I am confident in my appearance. I've worked hard to get into good shape and I look good for my age. On the other side, I am alone and it's embarrassing. I don't have a lot to talk about, because nothing really goes on in my life. If I had stories to tell, they would be pretty old at this point. I'm grateful for work at home. At the office I have to be careful what I reveal about myself. I'm pretty sure it's obvious to my boss and others that my life is what it is. I never mention anything I did over the weekend, and never mention other people in my life. I'm actually ok at this moment, living. I'd just rather that people not know about me or think about me. That is much easier when I don't have to go into the office.

I'm going to call this week and get on a wait list at a mental health clinic so I can start speaking with a social worker. I used to have one, but she moved into a private practice. I had so many other issues at the time that I didn't talk much about my loneliness. Once I managed to solve all the other problems, I was left with the loneliness, and there isn't much to talk about. I don't know how I'm going to have a conversation every week when nothing happens week to week. I know I have to change something, but I don't know how. It's not easy for anyone to make new friends at this age. Nor is it easy to date. I can't imagine getting into a relationship with someone just to have some companionship. There has to be a lot more than that to make it work. I fear that revealing myself to potential dates as a lonely person who doesn't do much is going to reflect very poorly on me. I fear that I eventually may cave and try to find someone who is looking for financial support. Both options feel like a bad idea and I'm aware that there's nothing worse than being trapped in a relationship with someone you don't want anymore. So the last option is to forget about that. Maybe a miracle will happen and I'll finally find someone to love that loves me too. And when my mother is gone, I won't be alone. But all I can think of is the most likely outcome, and it's hard to fathom, especially when I start getting into my 50s and 60s.

 

[ardour]

Similar situation. 40's, never really dated, one close relative alive, wondering what the point is of continuing. Taking up new hobbies and going out has brought me into contact with new people, a couple of which have become friends, but typically these are younger people which has it's downside. On one hand there's the temptation to try and relive parts of life missed out on via these new acquaintances, on the other it feels lame now, being this old, and getting a front row seat into the lives of people 15 years younger experiencing what I couldn't.

 

[user 181674]

Well, Mizera, I hope you find someone or some good friends. I say this because I, myself am already in the situation you fear. In my late 50's, my mom has already passed on, we were super close. I miss her every day. So, my advice would be if you're close to your mom, spend as much time as you can with her now while she's still here. And again, being in my late fifties, I have a few friends, but my best my friend lives in a different state than me. And some more advice, I did the thing you worry about - got into a relationship with someone that really only wanted for me for what I could provide for her. It's no fun, I would highly recommend avoiding that type of situation if you can. I wish the best for you.

 

[Adamridge79]

Well, lemme see. About to be 42. Many psychological diagnoses, had a hard part with life, live with my mother after getting out, who is old and put me through a scare recently with an illness..cat is 13 years old, I have almost zero social skills, happen to love my work thankfully, do have a psychiatrist and a new therapist on Tuesday, on numerous meds, but have a huge crushing hate of self. I do not have the confidence of self image, so of that I'm a little envious, but overall, it's relatively the same. So, I do hope that you find, well, hope. Life is hard, and the way things are presently it is a bit difficult to navigate. Glad you expressed half the things I haven't, you make me feel a bit more normal.

 

[Colster]

48, and not much positive within my life. I'm actually in a better position than some. But, it doesn't stop the growing bouts of loneliness.

 

[StarDust]

Greetings Mizera ... It gets better in your 40's... well, it did for me anyways. Hated my 30's. It took quite a journey to find a therapist that made sense to me. Four years later and an empty bank account I feel great today because of it! (wink, wink) Truly, keep your chin up.

How old is your cat? How long have you had it?

About surfing... you need to channel yourself better if not finding anything of interest. Do intent focus searches. Pick a subject and investigate it. It has to be a subject that means something to you. (am preaching? I hope I am not preaching...)

Just wanted to welcome you to the forum..

Cheers!

 

[StarDust]

Well, Mizera, I hope you find someone or some good friends. I say this because I, myself am already in the situation you fear. In my late 50's, my mom has already passed on, we were super close. I miss her every day. So, my advice would be if you're close to your mom, spend as much time as you can with her now while she's still here.

Good Evening to you Sir Vinny. It is ironic. I am opposite of you and Mr. Mizera. My Mother passed away when I was 17 years. I have a companion, but no parents, and that is what makes me lonely. Hated the holidays, seeing everyone post those family photos at the Christmas dinner table. Envious of people who have/had parents in their adult life. But I am better now (I think?!?) I am actually looking forward to the holidays this year! Tree is up, windows are decorated with lights, and feeling quite jolly.... (or could it all just be effects of the rum??). Any hoot. Nice to see you again... we crossed paths once before - several hundred threads ago.

 

[user 181674]

Good Evening to you Sir Vinny. It is ironic. I am opposite of you and Mr. Mizera. My Mother passed away when I was 17 years. I have a companion, but no parents, and that is what makes me lonely. Hated the holidays, seeing everyone post those family photos at the Christmas dinner table. Envious of people who have/had parents in their adult life. But I am better now (I think?!?) I am actually looking forward to the holidays this year! Tree is up, windows are decorated with lights, and feeling quite jolly.... (or could it all just be effects of the rum??). Any hoot. Nice to see you again... we crossed paths once before - several hundred threads ago.

Hi StarDust! I'm really glad to hear you're doing better and that you're looking forward to the holidays. Losing our moms is hard no matter when it happens, but as you say, at least I got to spend time with mine in my adult life. So sorry you lost yours @ 17, I can't imagine that pain. My mom was so into Christmas, now, it's just a pain point for me. I haven't had any motivation to even get a tree, have no decorations up - plan on giving the few that I do have to Goodwill. Nice you have a companion too, I don't - which also makes me sad because my ex hated Christmas, but still she's gone, so I again, I just want Christmas to be over with. Sorry to be a downer, I truly do feel happiness for folks that have these things. I'll try to enjoy Christmas with the remaining few family members I do have. Take care,

 

[mizera]

Greetings Mizera ... It gets better in your 40's... well, it did for me anyways. Hated my 30's. It took quite a journey to find a therapist that made sense to me. Four years later and an empty bank account I feel great today because of it! (wink, wink) Truly, keep your chin up.

How old is your cat? How long have you had it?

About surfing... you need to channel yourself better if not finding anything of interest. Do intent focus searches. Pick a subject and investigate it. It has to be a subject that means something to you. (am preaching? I hope I am not preaching...)

Just wanted to welcome you to the forum..

Cheers!

Hello, my cat is probably old, or at least I hope he is. His kidney disease was caught rather late, and I feel very bad about it. He's been at stage 3 now for a year. I've been giving him fluids a few times a week. All year I've been holding my breath when I feed him, since he's eventually going to stop eating and that's when I have to take him in. I love him very much and have only had him for 6 years (a rescue). Certainly if I get another cat it will be a young cat, because it's heartbreaking to develop this close loving relationship and have it end after six years. I believe he was abused since he was found in a cardboard box on the side of the road in long island. He was very aggressive and violent when he first arrived. That changed over time.

As for the internet, I read a lot of Twitter - current events, following journalists mostly. Sometimes I find something interesting that I follow. I'm going to try to spend 30 minutes a day reading a book. I feel like I waste a lot of time. My interests are very narrow I think. When I go to YouTube all the suggestions are either music or exercise related. I suppose being a lonely person in this time compared to any other time is much easier. I can't imagine what I'd be doing if the year was 1980. The best I can hope for is finding a really good series that allows me to put away the laptop and just zone out. I had that when I was watching The Bureau and Gomorrah. But those kinds of shows are rare. But it's really not a life, even if fed a constant stream of good entertainment. I've thought of getting a video game console, since those are very popular among the lonely population. I don't think I have the patience to learn those games. The last time I really played video games was 1986.

I think I'd manage a lot better if my cat wasn't sick. He sleeps with me every night and is close to me. It's going to be really hard for me when he's gone. Already for the past year, he hasn't been the same. I don't think there is much time left and it makes me unhappy.

 

[StarDust]

Hello, my cat is probably old, or at least I hope he is. His kidney disease was caught rather late, and I feel very bad about it. He's been at stage 3 now for a year. I've been giving him fluids a few times a week. All year I've been holding my breath when I feed him, since he's eventually going to stop eating and that's when I have to take him in. I love him very much and have only had him for 6 years (a rescue). Certainly if I get another cat it will be a young cat, because it's heartbreaking to develop this close loving relationship and have it end after six years.

I had a cute female tabby cat. Had her since she was a little kitten. Highest weight she reached was 6.5 lbs. One summer day I found her under the bed hyperventilating. I had to crawl under the bed and pull her out. Her lips were purple. We took her straight to the vet hospital. She was put in an oxygen chamber right away. After some tests they found she had fluid around the heart. They did not why it was there and advised they could drain the fluid but because they did know the cause , it could happen again. In addition, her kidneys were like raisins, about to fail. We had to say good bye to her that day. She was 6 years old. I came to realize, no matter how well you take care of your pet, some are simply destined to shorter life spans. Stay focus on the life span your cat has, you provided the best years!

 

[StarDust]

I had a cute female tabby cat. Had her since she was a little kitten. Highest weight she reached was 6.5 lbs. One summer day I found her under the bed hyperventilating. I had to crawl under the bed and pull her out. Her lips were purple. We took her straight to the vet hospital. She was put in an oxygen chamber right away. After some tests they found she had fluid around the heart. They did not why it was there and advised they could drain the fluid but because they did not know the cause , it could happen again. In addition, her kidneys were like raisins, about to fail. We had to say good bye to her that day. She was 6 years old. I came to realize, no matter how well you take care of your pet, some are simply destined to shorter life spans. Stay focus on the life span your cat has, you provided the best years!

 

[mizera]

I had a cute female tabby cat. Had her since she was a little kitten. Highest weight she reached was 6.5 lbs. One summer day I found her under the bed hyperventilating. I had to crawl under the bed and pull her out. Her lips were purple. We took her straight to the vet hospital. She was put in an oxygen chamber right away. After some tests they found she had fluid around the heart. They did not why it was there and advised they could drain the fluid but because they did know the cause , it could happen again. In addition, her kidneys were like raisins, about to fail. We had to say good bye to her that day. She was 6 years old. I came to realize, no matter how well you take care of your pet, some are simply destined to shorter life spans. Stay focus on the life span your cat has, you provided the best years!

That is heartbreaking. Pets are wonderful but it's so hard when they die. My last cat died suddenly of a heart attack. I think that if you get a cat when he's young, and then it lives to an appropriate old age, then it's fine. You have the cat for a long time, give it a nice life, and then it will die. I'm ok with that. I know that next time I'm going to have regular visits to the vet to make sure everything is done right.

I would like to have two cats, two brothers, so they can amuse each other if I'm out of the apartment. I'm afraid that with cats, I won't be able to take vacations since I have no one to take care of them. I would like to take some solo trips but I'm too embarrassed to tell people at work who might ask, that I'm going somewhere by myself. So I might have to wait until I retire to take my vacation, which is crazy. My loneliness is very personal. I refrain from stating any details on here due to an irrational fear that someone might come across a post and recognize me.

I've gotten so used to being alone that I find having a cat to be enough. But I have to be careful with the next cat, since some can be distant and not want to give affection or be petted. But I'm sad because this cat and I have developed a close relationship, and I don't want to have to start again from nothing, and have to risk getting a cat with the wrong personality. All this time he's been sick I've been at home with him. I think I'll try to find a girlfriend next. I just need to make some effort, before I get too old and regret not having tried when I was younger.The time keeps slipping away, good years that I'll never have back.

 

[U-122]

Hi, 40's male in the same boat, same exact situation with my mother who will not be around much longer, absolutely nobody to talk to. Depressed on and off, if i can call it depression. I'm not 100% sure. Early 00's i gradually started feeling hopeless, sad, tired, couldn't exercise as much as i used to, couldn't find work, lost interest in some activities. Possibly because of relationships that ended with me being discarded and rejected a few times. I never smoke, never drink alcohol, don't do any kind of pills or controlled substances, eat healthy, vegetarian, try to avoid pills whenever i can. Genetically inferior but try to stay in shape and always work on myself for myself. My depression or whatever it is also comes and goes. Shitty life from early childhood. No family, only one mother left, no childhood friends, no pets because i moved often from one country to another and then another. Never had my own home in my adult life. I always wanted a few dogs and cats, would gladly adopt but i don't even have a place for myself. Rental is not my home, i consider myself homeless, hopefully soon will live in my car. I won't be able to give up my pets once i adapt, i get too attached to animals. It wouldn't be fair to them and i would want to provide the best living conditions for my pets. I have neighbors who own cats. Despite being wealthy one constantly cries her 2 cats drain her bank account. Another reason why i can't have pets. Now out of work and really looking forward to not paying rent to my greedy scum landlords.

When my 9-5 work ended, so ended my status and reputation. My neighbors, especially females my age, stopped looking in my approximate direction, completely ignored me. Not that they respected me or were friendly to begin with but at least they said "hi". What i thought were my friends turned out to be frenemies. I got rid of them all, acquired new, and it was the same thing with different people, so i had to get rid of them again. They only wanted to use me, take advantage of me any way they could, borrow or steal money, some were envious, jealous of whatever little i had in life, even though they all had much more. Some wanted me to fail, all didn't care for me at all. Long story short once i meet someone new they want to use me and when they can't benefit from me, gain something, they don't want to have anything to do with me. Now i no longer allow anyone into my life. I have a few good neighbors i talk to, and a few acquaintances but keep distance. I can't talk to anyone about my loneliness and how i feel. Once i got older and lost my status, women no longer give me time of day. I think i have the invisibility superpower. I show clips from my security cameras to another older woman neighbor who is very friendly with me, how this female walks by me and doesn't even acknowledge my existence. She's very critical of this female.

I exist one day at a time. No matter how bad i feel, i wake up every day fooling myself there's still hope. A few things keep me going. I don't let anyone around me, including my mom, see my real face. She does understand women don't want me. She stopped hinting marriage and kids a few years ago when she realized it's too late for me. I always have to wear a "japanese face" or mask or whatever they call it. One for every occasion. As i got older, lost status, nobody gives me time of day anymore. I don't watch the zombie box TV at all. Never had cable, never cared for it. I stream whatever i want from internet, not what the zombie box wants to feed my brain. I have my own mind and opinion. Movies and music is not my life. Caffeine is not my world. As of recently i lost interest in movies and video games. I used to be a light gamer. After what happened to me recenly i lost all interest in everything. Tried playing a game and couldn't even last half a minute. Absolutely no enjoyment in anything.

Someone recently gave me time of day. We had a small talk. She gave me her number. I felt amazing for a day. Thought maybe we can be friends or at lest friendly neighbors. I wouldn't get involved with her because she avoided contact with me for 15 months. I ran into her twice and said hello. She completely ignored me like i'm invisible, which isn't unusual around here. Other female neighbors are the same. Don't give me time of day. We started talking 4 months ago. We talked and texted for a few days. Then came a hurtful text from her and she ignored me outside later same day. We talked and texted on and off a few more times. Shortly before winter holidays i broke down and texted her hinting i liked her as a neighbor, boosted her ego, implied she's a good person (she's not but she pretended to be). She's very clever. She got the hint, replied she doesn't like me. Now doesn't talk to me anymore. Because of my low status. I've been nothing but nice, helpful, respectful to her. Now i feel sadness, anxiety, stress again. Don't know how to handle it. I don't get rejected because i never talk to women anymore, don't approach them for any reason. Never date. Especially terrified of them after what happened to me with this female. If something happened in the past i let it happen naturally. When i tried a few times and women didn't show any interest i got out of their way and never talked to them again. In the past few rejections were never a problem. Getting discarded like garbage after a relationship was a huge problem. Now i can't even get into a friendzone. This female makes me feel terrible. I've been dead inside for decades. She killed me inside again. Made me cry every day. I still do. I get fever whenever i think about her or run into her outside. I haven't cried since i was 21 when love of my life told me she was getting too attached to me so she had to let me go. We both cried. I no longer care, but emotional pain is in me forever. Emotional pain for me is worse than the worst physical pain i've endured in my life. As soon as pain went away my brain forgot about it like it never happened. Emotional pain is forever. I still can't get over what my neighbor has done to me, how she treats me like invisible garbage.

You say "I fear that revealing myself to potential dates as a lonely person who doesn't do much is going to reflect very poorly on me. I fear that I eventually may cave and try to find someone who is looking for financial support." To me honesty is better than pretending to be what you're not. I'm always honest. I am what i am. It is what it is. If i don't have a good life, i'm not perfect in every way, like females around here demand, i don't pretend to be something i'm not. I can't be very social if i have no friends and don't do social activities anymore. You have to tell your potential partner or she will find out sooner or later. It shouldn't reflect on you in any way. It's neither good or bad not to be social, to have or not to have friends and family. I don't see not having any friends as a problem. Where i am now hardly anyone has friends. I know many neighbors don't even get alone with their relatives. I told my neighbor the truth. I'm alone. I don't have a life here. I don't have any friends, because they were never my friends to begin with. I don't allow anyone into my life anymore. She knows i'm completely alone. She's also alone. Doesn't have real friends. She uses males and discards them. Tinder style. I don't do that so i can't be more than friends with her. She never invited me to just talk or watch a movie, or have tea, never showed any interest in me. Wouldn't even address me by my name, which she asked twice and i told her twice. It's also very common around here for both genders to do this crap to me. When i'm so insignificant they go out of their way to forget my name. Best i got from this female was "hey" once in a text message. No greeting at all in other texts even after we didn't talk for weeks. When females act like that, i'm never the one who initiates first contact. She made it very clear i'm nothing and i don't exist.

Don't look for someone who wants financial support. Better to be forever alone than with scum like wealthy women i know who can never get enough of financial support. I know older divorced women who don't need support but they don't just settle for any man. When asked if they remarried or have someone they usually always say i have a man. Not a husband, boyfriend, just a man. He does so and so, which implies a good paying job and financial status. The fact that the very first thing they tell me what their men do, and not how nice or amazing they are, or any other good qualities, how they love each other, tells me these women i know are garbage and gold diggers. It's never enough for them. I know them very well from my past jobs. When we were younger i was never attracted to them for that exact reason. They never changed even after they aged.

"Maybe a miracle will happen and I'll finally find someone to love that loves me too." Don't settle for anything less. I've had mostly one way relationships. I got very little or nothing in return. If i initiated kissing and hugging, i'd get same in return but they were never the first to do it. We were young but i observed others and females often gave affection first. Only recently after reading what others go through, i realized how bad and wrong i had it in the past, how i should use my past experience to make things better in the future, learn from my personal and others' mistakes. Also don't have any expectations. Look for red flags if there's no reciprocity in love, end it. It has to be a miracle for me. Impossible to meet someone normal at our age, to connect with someone on all levels. Especially when everyone i know around me got divorced.

 

[Finished]

Hi, 40's male in the same boat............

Welcome to the forum! Great first post. Enjoy the site.

 

[U-122]

Welcome to the forum! Great first post. Enjoy the site.

Thanks!

 

[LolaOF29]

I’m really sorry you’re feeling like this. I have mental health issues so I totally empathise with you. I hope you are feeling more positive really soon x

 

[Shirley]

Hi, 40's male in the same boat, same exact situation with my mother who will not be around much longer, absolutely nobody to talk to. Depressed on and off, if i can call it depression. I'm not 100% sure. Early 00's i gradually started feeling hopeless, sad, tired, couldn't exercise as much as i used to, couldn't find work, lost interest in some activities. Possibly because of relationships that ended with me being discarded and rejected a few times. I never smoke, never drink alcohol, don't do any kind of pills or controlled substances, eat healthy, vegetarian, try to avoid pills whenever i can. Genetically inferior but try to stay in shape and always work on myself for myself. My depression or whatever it is also comes and goes. Shitty life from early childhood. No family, only one mother left, no childhood friends, no pets because i moved often from one country to another and then another. Never had my own home in my adult life. I always wanted a few dogs and cats, would gladly adopt but i don't even have a place for myself. Rental is not my home, i consider myself homeless, hopefully soon will live in my car. I won't be able to give up my pets once i adapt, i get too attached to animals. It wouldn't be fair to them and i would want to provide the best living conditions for my pets. I have neighbors who own cats. Despite being wealthy one constantly cries her 2 cats drain her bank account. Another reason why i can't have pets. Now out of work and really looking forward to not paying rent to my greedy scum landlords.

When my 9-5 work ended, so ended my status and reputation. My neighbors, especially females my age, stopped looking in my approximate direction, completely ignored me. Not that they respected me or were friendly to begin with but at least they said "hi". What i thought were my friends turned out to be frenemies. I got rid of them all, acquired new, and it was the same thing with different people, so i had to get rid of them again. They only wanted to use me, take advantage of me any way they could, borrow or steal money, some were envious, jealous of whatever little i had in life, even though they all had much more. Some wanted me to fail, all didn't care for me at all. Long story short once i meet someone new they want to use me and when they can't benefit from me, gain something, they don't want to have anything to do with me. Now i no longer allow anyone into my life. I have a few good neighbors i talk to, and a few acquaintances but keep distance. I can't talk to anyone about my loneliness and how i feel. Once i got older and lost my status, women no longer give me time of day. I think i have the invisibility superpower. I show clips from my security cameras to another older woman neighbor who is very friendly with me, how this female walks by me and doesn't even acknowledge my existence. She's very critical of this female.

I exist one day at a time. No matter how bad i feel, i wake up every day fooling myself there's still hope. A few things keep me going. I don't let anyone around me, including my mom, see my real face. She does understand women don't want me. She stopped hinting marriage and kids a few years ago when she realized it's too late for me. I always have to wear a "japanese face" or mask or whatever they call it. One for every occasion. As i got older, lost status, nobody gives me time of day anymore. I don't watch the zombie box TV at all. Never had cable, never cared for it. I stream whatever i want from internet, not what the zombie box wants to feed my brain. I have my own mind and opinion. Movies and music is not my life. Caffeine is not my world. As of recently i lost interest in movies and video games. I used to be a light gamer. After what happened to me recenly i lost all interest in everything. Tried playing a game and couldn't even last half a minute. Absolutely no enjoyment in anything.

Someone recently gave me time of day. We had a small talk. She gave me her number. I felt amazing for a day. Thought maybe we can be friends or at lest friendly neighbors. I wouldn't get involved with her because she avoided contact with me for 15 months. I ran into her twice and said hello. She completely ignored me like i'm invisible, which isn't unusual around here. Other female neighbors are the same. Don't give me time of day. We started talking 4 months ago. We talked and texted for a few days. Then came a hurtful text from her and she ignored me outside later same day. We talked and texted on and off a few more times. Shortly before winter holidays i broke down and texted her hinting i liked her as a neighbor, boosted her ego, implied she's a good person (she's not but she pretended to be). She's very clever. She got the hint, replied she doesn't like me. Now doesn't talk to me anymore. Because of my low status. I've been nothing but nice, helpful, respectful to her. Now i feel sadness, anxiety, stress again. Don't know how to handle it. I don't get rejected because i never talk to women anymore, don't approach them for any reason. Never date. Especially terrified of them after what happened to me with this female. If something happened in the past i let it happen naturally. When i tried a few times and women didn't show any interest i got out of their way and never talked to them again. In the past few rejections were never a problem. Getting discarded like garbage after a relationship was a huge problem. Now i can't even get into a friendzone. This female makes me feel terrible. I've been dead inside for decades. She killed me inside again. Made me cry every day. I still do. I get fever whenever i think about her or run into her outside. I haven't cried since i was 21 when love of my life told me she was getting too attached to me so she had to let me go. We both cried. I no longer care, but emotional pain is in me forever. Emotional pain for me is worse than the worst physical pain i've endured in my life. As soon as pain went away my brain forgot about it like it never happened. Emotional pain is forever. I still can't get over what my neighbor has done to me, how she treats me like invisible garbage.

You say "I fear that revealing myself to potential dates as a lonely person who doesn't do much is going to reflect very poorly on me. I fear that I eventually may cave and try to find someone who is looking for financial support." To me honesty is better than pretending to be what you're not. I'm always honest. I am what i am. It is what it is. If i don't have a good life, i'm not perfect in every way, like females around here demand, i don't pretend to be something i'm not. I can't be very social if i have no friends and don't do social activities anymore. You have to tell your potential partner or she will find out sooner or later. It shouldn't reflect on you in any way. It's neither good or bad not to be social, to have or not to have friends and family. I don't see not having any friends as a problem. Where i am now hardly anyone has friends. I know many neighbors don't even get alone with their relatives. I told my neighbor the truth. I'm alone. I don't have a life here. I don't have any friends, because they were never my friends to begin with. I don't allow anyone into my life anymore. She knows i'm completely alone. She's also alone. Doesn't have real friends. She uses males and discards them. Tinder style. I don't do that so i can't be more than friends with her. She never invited me to just talk or watch a movie, or have tea, never showed any interest in me. Wouldn't even address me by my name, which she asked twice and i told her twice. It's also very common around here for both genders to do this crap to me. When i'm so insignificant they go out of their way to forget my name. Best i got from this female was "hey" once in a text message. No greeting at all in other texts even after we didn't talk for weeks. When females act like that, i'm never the one who initiates first contact. She made it very clear i'm nothing and i don't exist.

Don't look for someone who wants financial support. Better to be forever alone than with scum like wealthy women i know who can never get enough of financial support. I know older divorced women who don't need support but they don't just settle for any man. When asked if they remarried or have someone they usually always say i have a man. Not a husband, boyfriend, just a man. He does so and so, which implies a good paying job and financial status. The fact that the very first thing they tell me what their men do, and not how nice or amazing they are, or any other good qualities, how they love each other, tells me these women i know are garbage and gold diggers. It's never enough for them. I know them very well from my past jobs. When we were younger i was never attracted to them for that exact reason. They never changed even after they aged.

"Maybe a miracle will happen and I'll finally find someone to love that loves me too." Don't settle for anything less. I've had mostly one way relationships. I got very little or nothing in return. If i initiated kissing and hugging, i'd get same in return but they were never the first to do it. We were young but i observed others and females often gave affection first. Only recently after reading what others go through, i realized how bad and wrong i had it in the past, how i should use my past experience to make things better in the future, learn from my personal and others' mistakes. Also don't have any expectations. Look for red flags if there's no reciprocity in love, end it. It has to be a miracle for me. Impossible to meet someone normal at our age, to connect with someone on all levels. Especially when everyone i know around me got divorced.

Wow!!!