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UntrinqueParatus83

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Hi guys. So I’ve had a life that has taught me the value of myself. To believe in me even when no one else does. In October of 1999 I lost my family, all of them I was 16 years old and they all died in a Car Crash. I didn’t know how to cope, I was big and strong and angry and eventually it broke me. I ended up spending almost 20 years detained because I just couldn’t cope in those first few years. The system doesn’t believe in people, it thinks once broken likely to always be. Never the less exactly a year ago today I won my freedom in front of a court of law. Since then I was homeless initially, had zero support and I was lucky enough to find my feet a little. Now with this happening around the world I’ve found myself in a 3 bedroom house with 6 people and it is harder then it has ever been. I’m desperately trying to escape to solitude. I’m thinking I’ll soon be heading to the middle of nowhere till my end days , I can hunt and fish so I got a head start. The lonely feel I have isn’t that i am alone or have been alone for over two decades it’s a need to be alone I can’t shake. I don’t know anything about life except internal struggle and survival. Is that wrong to feel that way? Live or die I got to go, if i can’t build shelter and survive I will in all likelihood die but I die free and sane. All this in my head just driving me round the bend
 
UntrinqueParatus83, you've certainly found a name that won't be copied by anyone else.  I'm surprised though that no one's responded to your post yet, but perhaps yours is a tough case that's hard to offer answers.  Nonetheless, you'll generally find people here kind and supportive, as well as struggling with life's problems, so look forward to some positive feedback.
  
Your current situation of living with 5 others in a house (as a middle aged adult) is just cause to feel some need to escape, to seek some privacy potential.  I assume you're still shoring up your finances, but when possible, you'll need to get your own place.  You can work towards that goal now and look forward to the time of relaxing comfortably in your private, comfortable environment.  But meanwhile, take advantage of the social contacts conveniently around you.  Work to make a good friend or two out of your current roommates by showing interest in them, by caring about them.  In other words, look beyond yourself and see what you can do for others.  Consider your time together as an investment.  You want to leave the scene with good memories of some good times and a worthwhile relationship or two that'll continue for the rest of your life.   Understand that we needn't choose between privacy and relationships.  Most of us need both.

I'd like to comment on your assessment of life right now expressed by these words:  "I don’t know anything about life except internal struggle and survival. Is that wrong to feel that way?"

I won't say that it's wrong for you to feel that way since your circumstances may have understandably led you to this point.   But, I will suggest that your feelings of frustration and negativity needn't be the determination of your life.  You were made for more and you deserve more.  It sounds to me like you're lacking purpose and direction for your life, which affects your perspective of people and relationships.  As a Christian, I watch a lot of video sermons on YouTube and have waded through hundreds of mediocre ones in order to find a few worth keeping and sharing.  Here's one I think you should watch.  You may find it applicable and helpful to getting your life on a better track.

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I am sorry you are going thru this, I cant imagine the pain you have gone through. Have you seen a professional to help you with your grief? If not here is a number for a great place that can offer some free counseling advice and even refer you to some in your area 1-855-382-5433. Also here is an interesting article series that might help. https://bit.ly/2AmadTb . in addition Here are some other references in regards to grief. http://bit.ly/2mlOW5d.
It sounds like you never had the opportunity to grieve properly. Also going through that was a trauma, and you may even suffer from some type of PTSD. I hope this references I have supplied you will help you heal. My prayers are with you.
 
UntrinqueParatus83, I am sorry to hear your sad story. I hardly dare think what it must have been like for you.

In your post the sentence that stood out for me is The lonely feel I have isn’t that i am alone or have been alone for over two decades it’s a need to be alone I can’t shake. Now I can see how that could be a particularly frustrating problem to have. I get the feeling that had your early life been different you would have been a more sociable person. This need to be alone is something that has been imposed on you by your traumatic experiences and is not natural to the person deep inside. I agree with Jimdubu  that you may still be suffering from PTSD. Talking with a professional to solve this problem is the best way forward here. An understanding friend who is compassionate, sympathetic and a good listener might well be all you need but, as we all know here, they are hard to find.  

It sounds to me though that you are a strong character and have quite a few things going for you. You clearly have more than your share of resilience. You know how to hunt and fish. You say you want to go to the middle of nowhere. How about compromising a little and just go to the edge of nowhere? Find some outdoorsy job where you could have plenty of solitude but still stay close to civilization and interact with people on occasion if you wanted? I remember after I got divorced I hated living in the busy city and longed for solitude. I fantasized about living in a rural area near the sea. Incredibly, a job opportunity came up which enabled me to do just that. I would take long walks along the beach after work, the sound of the waves soothing my soul. I found walking in the woods therapeutic too.
 

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