Jesse
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I forget how old I was exactly. I believe I was 20. I know I was out of high school. I had never kissed a girl before, never held a girls hand, never been hugged. Aside from what a few sick people had done to me as a child, I'd never experienced anything sexual with another person.
My step-father, who I was extremely afraid of as a kid, introduced me to a game called warcraft. Warcraft is a fantasy game and I was eager to escape within it. The game became my portal into isolation. Once I got my first computer, that's where I stayed. Over the years warcraft had many sequels and I played all of them. Finally, World of Warcraft came out.
But this isn't as much about video games, though I like to note the irony of how my biggest fear growing up (my stepdad) would unknowingly set me up to meet my first love several years down the road. And so it happened.
I met her through World of Warcraft when she joined the guild I was in. (A guild is a group of online players who play online together) As the second person in charge of this guild I interacted with the members quite often. This is how I began talking to her. We started playing the game together more and more often and finally every day for hours. We had headsets and we would chat through those very often. We did this for nearly two years. We even started wearing our headsets to bed and chatting until one of us started falling asleep.
I wrote her poetry.
Eventually I asked her if she'd like to meet. She said yes. We discovered we were 6 hours apart and decided to meet half way for a night. We got a room and I exchanged gifts. I gave her a down comforter, fuzzy socks, and a home-made book of 4 poems I had written for her. It wasn't a crappy arts and crafts item. It actually was very well made. I was proud of myself. It looked professional. She made me a mix cd with some amazing music on it.
It was the most wonderful night of my life. We went to a japanese steak house where they cook right in front of you on a grill and put on a show. The cook threw shrimp at people to see if they could catch it with their mouths.
We went to see Eragon. In the movie I did the lamest yawn and stretch I could. She knew I was being funny and she got it, she laughed and accepted and snuggled close to me and took my hand. It was the first time I'd felt the warmth of her against my body. Her hair smelled like flowers. Something really came over me then. It felt like electricity. I drew circles on her skin with my fingers.
After the movie we made our way back to the hotel. I offered her the bed and said I would sleep on the couch, but that's not what happened. We ended up under the covers together watching The Last of the Mohicans. Throughout the movie our hands touched different areas of our skin. She felt so smooth and soft. At some point in the movie she looked up at me and at my lips and we kissed. My first kiss. I felt whole for once in my life. There was no such thing as lonliness. The only thing that mattered was her.
We met three more times after that. The second time we met, I drove 6 hours to her town and spent a week with her in her apartment. The third time we met, she drove 6 hours to my town and spent a night with me. (She was actually moving and my town was on the way. She stopped to be with me for a night) On this night I showed her all of the "cool" things of my town and I had something special for her. It was sometime around July. We drove to a backroad and stopped and I got out and set off fireworks.
She was delighted. I loved her.
The 4th time we met promised to be a fantastic time. We were going to an anime convention in georgia. Although I wasn't that big into anime, I knew she loved it and of course I'd love to go with her. We attended the fire and ice ball. I wore a tux and she wore a dress and we did the mamba and the foxtrot along with a few other dances we learned from classes earlier that day.
But something was wrong this time. Something was on her mind. Something wasn't right at all. She wouldn't tell me. She never did.
A week or so later she called me. She didn't want to see me anymore. She wouldn't tell me why. I was standing outside when she told me, standing in the small field behind my house. I dropped to me knees and after the call was over, cried. and cried.
She wouldn't talk to me after that. I was left not knowing what happened, left alone. The person I had spent hours with everyday on the phone was no longer in my life. What would I do now with all of this free time? I withdrew even further into myself. Blamed myself. Hated myself.
After a couple months she sent me an email saying she wanted to talk. I got the feeling that somehow she wanted to get back together, but I was too hurt, too stuck in my own hurt allow the possibility. We didn't contact each other for a long time after that.
A few months later my cousin invited me to her birthday party. For some odd reason I wore a cowboy hat. I never wear cowboy hats, but that night I did. I guess my cousin's friend was attracted to it somehow. My cousin and her bf and my cousins friend and I all ended up back at my house watching a movie. I really didn't think much about my cousin's friend. Honestly i was still hurting pretty badly from the last girl. I don't think I was even in the mindset of looking for someone else.
At the end of the night though, my cousin's friend gave me her number and gave me a hug. Sadly, I fell into a familiar trap. The breakup girl. It's the person you start thinking about in order to try to replace the loss you feel from the last person. You aren't quite over your last experience and try to fill the void with something else. This is all this new girl was although I didn't realize it right then. Things happened physically very quickly with this new girl. It wasn't something I was used to. There was little time to grow emotionally attached. After a couple months of her coming over a few times a week I found out she was sleeping with a few other guys. I ended it immediately.
My mind went back to the first. My first everything. I never went out with a girl or had any kind of physical contact with a girl again until new years 2009. At this point I was 22. I'd had a few brief and wild tastes from two different women. I was also at a very low point in my life.
I had begun drinking the past few months leading up to new years. Drinking to try and drown away the pain I felt from being alone. I decided I'd drink more than I ever had on new years. Big mistake. I drank a 50 dollar bottle of jaeger by myself. I began drinking at 8pm new years eve and didn't quit until 8 am the next day. By the time the ball dropped I was so drunk I only remember bits and pieces. I don't remember this, but I was told I was making out with 2 different girls on the couch. I do remember one of the girls leading me back to a room in the cabin my friend from the marines had rented for us all. It was his last night home before going back to Iraq.
With all my inhibitions gone, I had a one-night stand. I don't remember her name. I feel ashamed. I had always just wanted to be with one person for my whole life. I thought I had met her already, but no, that wasn't meant to be. Now I have been with 3 women. Only one meant anything. The one I'm thinking of again. We're friends again, her and I. It's bringing up all of the old feelings, all the old memories. I'm reminded of what it feels like to be wanted, to be loved, to be held and it makes me sad. I don't know if I'll experience love like that again.
I felt so ashamed about new years, I vowed never to get drunk again. I was drunk for 24 hours after i quit drinking and sick for 2 days more after that. I've been sober ever since.
Since new years, I met another person online. Her and I began chatting more and more every day until I though I had developed feelings for her. She felt the same way back. But this also was not meant to be. Her and I never met in real life. It ended before that could happen. Even still, I had developed strong feelings for this one. It hurt me a great deal that it didn't work out. I had high hopes.
And now here I am, alone again. Familiar territory. I consider myself lucky to have had a couple ladies proclaim love for me. I feel blessed actually. I don't know if this will happen again, but I sure hope it does. I hope I find love that lasts.
My step-father, who I was extremely afraid of as a kid, introduced me to a game called warcraft. Warcraft is a fantasy game and I was eager to escape within it. The game became my portal into isolation. Once I got my first computer, that's where I stayed. Over the years warcraft had many sequels and I played all of them. Finally, World of Warcraft came out.
But this isn't as much about video games, though I like to note the irony of how my biggest fear growing up (my stepdad) would unknowingly set me up to meet my first love several years down the road. And so it happened.
I met her through World of Warcraft when she joined the guild I was in. (A guild is a group of online players who play online together) As the second person in charge of this guild I interacted with the members quite often. This is how I began talking to her. We started playing the game together more and more often and finally every day for hours. We had headsets and we would chat through those very often. We did this for nearly two years. We even started wearing our headsets to bed and chatting until one of us started falling asleep.
I wrote her poetry.
Eventually I asked her if she'd like to meet. She said yes. We discovered we were 6 hours apart and decided to meet half way for a night. We got a room and I exchanged gifts. I gave her a down comforter, fuzzy socks, and a home-made book of 4 poems I had written for her. It wasn't a crappy arts and crafts item. It actually was very well made. I was proud of myself. It looked professional. She made me a mix cd with some amazing music on it.
It was the most wonderful night of my life. We went to a japanese steak house where they cook right in front of you on a grill and put on a show. The cook threw shrimp at people to see if they could catch it with their mouths.
We went to see Eragon. In the movie I did the lamest yawn and stretch I could. She knew I was being funny and she got it, she laughed and accepted and snuggled close to me and took my hand. It was the first time I'd felt the warmth of her against my body. Her hair smelled like flowers. Something really came over me then. It felt like electricity. I drew circles on her skin with my fingers.
After the movie we made our way back to the hotel. I offered her the bed and said I would sleep on the couch, but that's not what happened. We ended up under the covers together watching The Last of the Mohicans. Throughout the movie our hands touched different areas of our skin. She felt so smooth and soft. At some point in the movie she looked up at me and at my lips and we kissed. My first kiss. I felt whole for once in my life. There was no such thing as lonliness. The only thing that mattered was her.
We met three more times after that. The second time we met, I drove 6 hours to her town and spent a week with her in her apartment. The third time we met, she drove 6 hours to my town and spent a night with me. (She was actually moving and my town was on the way. She stopped to be with me for a night) On this night I showed her all of the "cool" things of my town and I had something special for her. It was sometime around July. We drove to a backroad and stopped and I got out and set off fireworks.
She was delighted. I loved her.The 4th time we met promised to be a fantastic time. We were going to an anime convention in georgia. Although I wasn't that big into anime, I knew she loved it and of course I'd love to go with her. We attended the fire and ice ball. I wore a tux and she wore a dress and we did the mamba and the foxtrot along with a few other dances we learned from classes earlier that day.
But something was wrong this time. Something was on her mind. Something wasn't right at all. She wouldn't tell me. She never did.
A week or so later she called me. She didn't want to see me anymore. She wouldn't tell me why. I was standing outside when she told me, standing in the small field behind my house. I dropped to me knees and after the call was over, cried. and cried.
She wouldn't talk to me after that. I was left not knowing what happened, left alone. The person I had spent hours with everyday on the phone was no longer in my life. What would I do now with all of this free time? I withdrew even further into myself. Blamed myself. Hated myself.
After a couple months she sent me an email saying she wanted to talk. I got the feeling that somehow she wanted to get back together, but I was too hurt, too stuck in my own hurt allow the possibility. We didn't contact each other for a long time after that.
A few months later my cousin invited me to her birthday party. For some odd reason I wore a cowboy hat. I never wear cowboy hats, but that night I did. I guess my cousin's friend was attracted to it somehow. My cousin and her bf and my cousins friend and I all ended up back at my house watching a movie. I really didn't think much about my cousin's friend. Honestly i was still hurting pretty badly from the last girl. I don't think I was even in the mindset of looking for someone else.
At the end of the night though, my cousin's friend gave me her number and gave me a hug. Sadly, I fell into a familiar trap. The breakup girl. It's the person you start thinking about in order to try to replace the loss you feel from the last person. You aren't quite over your last experience and try to fill the void with something else. This is all this new girl was although I didn't realize it right then. Things happened physically very quickly with this new girl. It wasn't something I was used to. There was little time to grow emotionally attached. After a couple months of her coming over a few times a week I found out she was sleeping with a few other guys. I ended it immediately.
My mind went back to the first. My first everything. I never went out with a girl or had any kind of physical contact with a girl again until new years 2009. At this point I was 22. I'd had a few brief and wild tastes from two different women. I was also at a very low point in my life.
I had begun drinking the past few months leading up to new years. Drinking to try and drown away the pain I felt from being alone. I decided I'd drink more than I ever had on new years. Big mistake. I drank a 50 dollar bottle of jaeger by myself. I began drinking at 8pm new years eve and didn't quit until 8 am the next day. By the time the ball dropped I was so drunk I only remember bits and pieces. I don't remember this, but I was told I was making out with 2 different girls on the couch. I do remember one of the girls leading me back to a room in the cabin my friend from the marines had rented for us all. It was his last night home before going back to Iraq.
With all my inhibitions gone, I had a one-night stand. I don't remember her name. I feel ashamed. I had always just wanted to be with one person for my whole life. I thought I had met her already, but no, that wasn't meant to be. Now I have been with 3 women. Only one meant anything. The one I'm thinking of again. We're friends again, her and I. It's bringing up all of the old feelings, all the old memories. I'm reminded of what it feels like to be wanted, to be loved, to be held and it makes me sad. I don't know if I'll experience love like that again.
I felt so ashamed about new years, I vowed never to get drunk again. I was drunk for 24 hours after i quit drinking and sick for 2 days more after that. I've been sober ever since.
Since new years, I met another person online. Her and I began chatting more and more every day until I though I had developed feelings for her. She felt the same way back. But this also was not meant to be. Her and I never met in real life. It ended before that could happen. Even still, I had developed strong feelings for this one. It hurt me a great deal that it didn't work out. I had high hopes.
And now here I am, alone again. Familiar territory. I consider myself lucky to have had a couple ladies proclaim love for me. I feel blessed actually. I don't know if this will happen again, but I sure hope it does. I hope I find love that lasts.
