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A VOICE FROM THE GRAVE...

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Sidewinder

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Here's some real 'TWILIGHT ZONE' action, though I'll need to give y'all a little background info first. My pop the submarine commander abandoned his family overseas when I was 10 years old... one day we were tossing a ball back & forth, the next day he was gone and I never saw him again. He went chasing after a younger woman, of course. Left in dire financial straits, we all starved out for months on end before making our way back to the States. Thus began a long & precarious journey fraught with heller grief & anger... I'm talking truckloads of the shit. Over the decades, I slowly processed what had happened, and those Zen Buddhist proverbs & principles really helped me to unload all of that grief and anger. Fast forward to the day I heard that my pop had died: I never felt less emotion in my life at someone's passing, all the tears had already been shed, all the anger expended. My mom followed my dad in death a year or so later, and that was the final chapter in their bitter and ugly separation & divorce. End of story? Well, not quite...

Last month, a brother of mine who may be dying from Lou Gehrig's Disease wrote to tell me that he had found an unopened birthday card from my dad, the card dating back to 2011. This brother was squaring away his affairs, going through his files and paperwork, you see... and he found this card which had somehow never been delivered to me. No big deal, we had too much going on back in those days, so I don't fault anyone for not forwarding the card. I asked my brother to send it on to me, and I found it in my mailbox this morning. Nice card of the ocean with a dolphin leaping from the water... not necessarily a birthday card, more like one of those cards one can buy for any occasion. I'd like to share the contents of this card with y'all, just to see what you think. Know that I DID send a harsh and angry letter to my pop at some point in my life, telling him to eat shit, fuck off & die. So, now I see what he wrote ten years ago, the postmark dated on this very day, June 25, 2011. That was the first thing that reminded me of 'THE TWILIGHT ZONE'---here's what my pop wrote.

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Dear E___,
     Happy Birthday, may there be many more. Across the years---and miles---I have always loved you. You are my son. That says it all. I pray for you---and your happiness. And I am always your father.

Love always, Dad

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I gotta be honest with y'all, when I read this I actually shed a tear or two... guess there were some left after all. When my dad was still with us overseas in Europe, he was the best dad any kid could ever want, but then he made this HUGE mistake by disregarding his marriage vows and his commitment to his family, all to go roaring off after some goddam home-wrecker. So much grief and so much anger---I don't even like to dwell on it, it practically killed me the first time around, ya know? Now I get this card a decade after it was mailed, to the very day, and I wonder whether he was just trying to square his conscience? A man growing old and facing death... well, hell, he might write ANYTHING. Of course, he didn't die until several years AFTER the card was mailed. When he never received an answer, he probably thought I was ignoring him, when in reality I never even knew he had sent a card. Had I known, I probably would've reconciled then and there, as I had already forgiven him despite the colossal fuck-up of abandonment.

Part of me says that perhaps I'm a better man for having gone through this fucking decades-long ordeal... perhaps I'm now stronger as a result of it. It's the old Nietzschean line: "THAT WHICH DOES NOT KILL ME MAKES ME STRONGER." And had I NOT gone through this ordeal, maybe I never would've read poetry or studied Zen Buddhist philosophy, ya know? It's hard to say... I know there's plenty of grief in this world, I've seen my share and then some, but who's to say those hammer blows in 'The Forge of Life' don't actually make a person STRONGER? I was HARD AS FUCKING NAILS in the past, and I'd frequently unload on spoon-fed maggots whining about how tough life was in their rich families, pffffffft. Try it while DIRT-POOR, ASSHOLES!!! But I digress... I see a lot of whining going on at this website, and I think to myself, "Like that grief and anger I carried around for so long, it's totally unnecessary." Quit whining about being ugly & unlovable, go bang a fucking hooker or put a bullet in your head, whatever it takes for others NOT to have to hear your bullshit.

I look back upon those wasted years of my life, when I was CONSUMED with grief and anger, and I look even further back upon those years spent as part of a whole and loving family, and it's a no-brainer: I'm gonna dwell on the good times, and FUCK the rest. When I think of my pop the submarine commander, I think of him as he was while he was still with us... a loving dad who showed us all how to be self-sufficient in the field. Every summer, between school terms overseas, we'd all pile into a VW Bus with a full-length roof rack and go touring & camping through another part of Europe. In those days (1968-1973), you could tour & camp for PEANUTS, literally spending a few lousy dollars per night on some primo campsite, situated on a river or lake with a castle towering above the landscape. Eleven of us crammed into a goddam VW Bus, all having the time of our lives, despite the cramped travel, occasional blown tires (and one blown motor), spells of bad weather, etc. Life was good, it was a FUCKING ADVENTURE, and you simply dealt with the bad days when they came along... no big deal.

Anyway, I'm happy to have FINALLY received this belated birthday card, ten years late but still in time for my birthday on June 30th this year! WOOHOO!!! I believe I'll put pop's card on my bar and leave it there for awhile... take a shot or two of blue agave tequila (with lime and salt) as I ponder the whole situation. Ya know, for decades I was unaware that I actually had a half-brother and half-sister, in fact the gal died for some unknown health reason so I'll never get the chance to meet her. Dunno about the half-brother, I should ask my brother who sent the card for an email address. I wonder how my half-brother feels about the whole freakin' mess? It certainly wasn't HIS fault that my pop ran off with his mom... I should send a friendly email when I get around to it, and offer the hospitality of my home if this hand should ever make it out here to Arizona. I think he's living in England, but he might be in Bretagne (or Brittany), France. The card from my pop says Bretagne, among other details I'll have to look up on my computer. I'd kinda like to see where my pop spent his last years, if only on a map. 

What's the moral of this story? I don't fucking know, I'm STILL trying to figure it out, lol. Some orphans never even know their parents, so I suppose I should be thankful that I had ten good years with my pop. Sure, all that subsequent grief & anger led to delinquency, criminal acts, heller ugly violence, etc., but ALL that bullshit is in the PAST, 10-4? Somehow I managed to survive it, and now I'm going on 59 years of age, living a nice quiet life in the high desert of scenic southeastern Arizona. My parents have both been at rest for 5 or 6 years, and I harbor no ill will or animosity... in fact, I love and miss them both, and that's not an easy thing for me to say. With all the crazy and fucking fraudulent bullshit going on in the world today, perhaps I should CHERISH the good memories associated with my mom & dad... it won't be that much longer before I join them in death. Fuck the bad memories, I'll just flush those down the cosmic shitter, and GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE, lol. Now, I believe I'll have a shot of that blue agave tequila, then look up this address where my pop spent his final years. 

Y'ALL BE GOOD... AND YOU WHINERS QUIT YER BITCHIN', NOBODY EVER SAID THAT LIFE WOULD BE FUCKING FAIR, AYE? YOU DON'T LIKE YOUR SITUATION, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT... OR DIE TRYIN', INSTEAD OF PISSIN' & MOANIN' & CRYIN' IN YOUR BEER. THAT SHIT GETS FUCKING OLD...  :club:

P.S. Here's a shot of the card my pop sent, showing the dolphin leaping from the water...  View attachment 5
 

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Sidewinder

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Yeah, I just felt like tossing it out there... man, those tequila shots did a number on me yesterday, each "shot" was actually a large slug out of the bottle, so it was more like a double or triple shot, lol. But the lime and salt were delicious afterward, that's a good combo for tequila. 

Now I'm enjoying some fresh watermelon for breakfast... I'll have something else later, but watermelon is best eaten alone, since the human body assimilates it so quickly. I learned all this a long time ago when I was heavily into enzyme nutrition & food combination. 

Most folks think of watermelon as some sort of summer dessert, but it should actually be eaten first, that way it won't sit on top of some other food in one's belly. This particular watermelon I'm eating is pretty damned tasty... very fresh and flavorful. 

Well, guess I'll mosey on and see what else is happening at other websites where I hang out, a cat website and a sailing website, lol. I got banned from the dirt biking websites, go figure... been banned about fifty times overall, I reckon.

Meh, some people can't handle the truth, lol... one look at this fraudulent piece of trash in the Oval Office is proof of that, aye? Small potatoes here in Cochise County, nobody here gives a flying fuck about that fraudulent swamp rat, except to laugh at the slimy fucking scumbucket.

CHEERS!!! HAVE A GREAT DAY DESPITE ALL THAT'S WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY TODAY, LOL... NOTHING A GOOD VIOLENT REVOLUTION CAN'T FIX!!! AND PISS ON THE DIRTY GLOBALIST-SUCKING SWINE!!!   :club:
 

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^ Too many complacent, self absorbed, and lazy people. Things will continue to spiral downward.
 

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I really don't think enough will. Also the magical point wont get hit until it's way way too late. We are like frogs in hot water that continues to only get slightly hotter. We will be boiling and not even really notice it.
 

Sidewinder

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Check this: my dad had a second family when he ran off, but with only two kids instead of nine. One of those kids who grew into adults, my half-sister, died from some health issue, but my half-brother is still alive. Well, after reading my dad's belated birthday card and talking to another brother, I wrote an email to my half-brother! WTF, he wasn't responsible for what happened, same way I wasn't... so I reached out to contact him, 10-4? I told him he'd always be welcome here if he ever found himself in the wilds of Arizona, and I sent some pics & links & whatnot so we might catch up, after so many years of growing up in separate yet related families. I even told him I considered him to be a full brother, I only used the 'half-brother' term at the outset for biological or genetic purposes. So we'll see what happens... oddly enough, I already read a few emails written by this hand in family email conversations, I just didn't know he was my long-lost half-brother, I thought he was kin to my relatives in England. Crazy developments, yeah? But GOOD ones too, I think... time to focus upon positive stuff and let go of the negative crap!!! Big move here for me, reaching out to heal some bad family blood. Who knows? Maybe we'll meet one day... drink beer, play pool on the 8' table and catch up with our separate yet related lives, AYE???   :)
 

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That sounds awesome! Good job on reaching out to connect with others! You may very well find a new friend in your brother. The entire time I read that I was thinking......... what about the pool table? Sure enough, you didn't disappoint. It was nicely tucked in right there at the end. :) Ha! ha!
 

Sidewinder

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Well, we actually made contact and it's a go... turns out this brother of mine is a professor of marine biology, married with two kids and just learning to sail! How cool is that? I have two more nephews I never even knew existed, I'm not gonna use the stupid 'half-nephew' term, same way I'm not gonna use the 'half-brother' term, even if they are correct in the biological or genetic sense. And sailing is what I do best, always has been... so it should be fun to compare notes and possibly even offer a little advice now and then, lol. I think this long-lost brother said he was in his 40s, which makes sense: I have to be at least a decade older, since my dad split when I was 10. Strange to think that some good will finally come from such a fucked-up situation... and this brother seems pretty cool too, a responsible married man with kids and a good job. So things are looking up, that's for sure.

This brother dug the shots I sent of my home and the San Pedro Valley, and yes, Finished, I DID send the same shot of my 8' pool table (the one you see in my avatar, lol). Hey, I LIKE my pool table!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Ain't a crappy bar table in town that can touch it, and I know, I sussed out every bar when I first arrived... that's how ya learn about an area to which ya just moved, ya talk to a few locals in the bars and see what they have to say about certain topics. Doesn't mean ya have to hang out there forever, but it's a good way to learn about an area when you're new to it. When I use this tactic, I generally speak to older folks or folks my age, they offer more wisdom with their views, lol. Anyway, I haven't seen a local bar for two years now, no point in visiting one when I have my own pool table right at home, along with the view deck, BBQ area, etc. No barroom brawls or DUIs either, which is always a plus. 

I'M OFF TO READ A GOOD BOOK, NO PARTYING TONIGHT... I ALREADY WATCHED A COUPLE OF DECENT MOVIES TODAY AFTER APPLYING FOR SEVERAL NEWLY-LISTED JOBS, SO IT'S ALL GOOD. JUST WANTED TO SHARE THAT EXCELLENT NEWS WITH Y'ALL! CHEERS!!!   :)
 

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^ It sounds like destiny. Maybe you can get to know his family and school him on sailing in person. That sounds like time well spent.
 

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Fly to England. Visit his family. Sail back to the US with him. He'll realize sailing is WAY more effort then he though it was. He'll give you the sailboat and fly back. Then you can sail all over the world. Ha! Ha!
 

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